The Complete Military History of France

[AliBabaIncorporated]

The Complete Military History of France

- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

-Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

-The Dutch War - Tied

-War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

-War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories(remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

-World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkish Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French."
This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its
recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"


"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

[himura-dono]

i thought the complete military history of france was "bend over and prepare to be reamed"...

[rakovlam]

My satirist Argus Hamilton on the French...

"Tony Blair flew to Paris Monday to try to persuade the French to back a war resolution against Saddam Hussein. He was on a fool's errand. The only way the French are going into Iraq is if the U.N. inspectors turn up a four-star restaurant."

"France on Friday publicly refuted President Bush's assertion that the game is over in Iraq. It looks like French troops will not support the U.S. effort. American troops are preparing for the possibility that they may have to cook for themselves"

"French President Jacques Chirac dismissed Colin Powell's indictment of Iraq before the U.N. Security Council. You know the French. Jacques Chirac praised Colin Powell as a man of courage, compassion, conscience and conviction, if you go for that sort of thing."

And these were just the recent ones.


"The Transportation Security Agency said there's currently no technology that can check passengers for plastic explosives. Thank goodness. If plastic set off alarms in airports, Los Angeles women would have to learn how to drive to Las Vegas." not the French but LA is also fair game.

[yoMAMA]

The French did invent the Gulliotine (excuse my spelling) :huh:

[SunWuKong]

what about napoleon's conquests and france's colonisation of indochine? those were pretty successful.

[yoMAMA]

Dien Bian Fu anyone ?

:lol:

[ism]

France's bombing of the Greenpeace Rainbow Warrior was pretty successful, killing a photographer in the process. Sinking a non-combat ship in a non-combat situation and killing a non-combatant has gotta count for something, right?

[rakovlam]

The French managed to overlook their regards for a fair trial and gave Alfred Dreyfus a trip to Devil's island. Come on, an anti-semetic conviction has got to count.

what about napoleon's conquests and france's colonisation of indochine? those were pretty successful.

But did the French keep it for long?

[SunWuKong]

Originally posted by rakovlam@Feb 12 2003, 08:44 PM
But did the French keep it for long?

the french controlled indochine for about a hundred years.

[rakovlam]

France blocked NATO from giving defensive aid to Turkey Monday and vowed to veto any Iraq war resolution. Their willingness to stand and fight is legendary. The French Army possesses the only tanks in the world equipped with back-up lights.

Argun Hamilton, 2/13/03 :lol:

[rakovlam]

:lol: I love this site!