Seriously - did I do the right thing?

[Hiroshi2]

Just wanted some input because this is killing my conscious.



I work as a waiter in a resturant, and like anywhere else, there's assholes at my workplace. Unfortunately this particular place seems to have more than its fair share of people who simply put, have bad attitudes.


Anyway, there's this one other waiter there who is out on probation (he spent a couple of years in state prison). Very few people there get along with him because he has a bad attitude and always tries to intimidate people by talking shit and occasionally getting physical with them. He seems to have had a problem with me since day one. I've confronted him several times straight up, asking him what his problem with me was and tellling him he should talk to me about it if he has a problem. Dude never wanted to say shit. OK fine. So I ignore him for the most part. Today I walk by him and accidentally brush up on him, and he's like, "don't bump into me homeboy". I look at him and say "don't bump into me" (I'm not apologizing to this fool even though I didn't mean to do it). And he looks at me and I look at him and he just walks off. The next two or three times he walks by me he kicks me in the foot, not hard, just enough for me to notice. It took everything in me to restrain myself and just not say anything. I talked to the manager who says he's aware of his attitude problem because everyone else has complained about it. He said he'll talk to him and do something about it, but I know that's bullshit. I've met *****s like him a thousand times. THe only way he'll stop is if he gets killed or is locked back up, which personally I believe is the only thing that'll end up happening to him, it's only a matter of time.



My question is - should I have just brushed that off, or should I have just went back and did like I wanted to do and whup his ass? I'm not afraid of him, I'm afraid of myself. I'm afraid I'll lose control and do something I'll end up regretting. I'm afraid of losing my job because I've had five jobs in the past 12 months (and I didn't work for 6 of the 12 last months so really that's 5 jobs in a 6 month period) and I need to keep a job for more than a month or two because it doesn't look good on my record. But I can't help but feel like I got punked. Seriously. Of course the manager told me I did the right thing, but deep down inside I don't think I did. I think I let that son of a bitch get away with punking me, and now he probably thinks he can keep on doing it because I didn't fight back this one time.



To make situation worse, I know I'm not completely stable all the time. Since I've graduated from high school, I've had to pull out a knife on someone twice, both times in self-defense so they let me go. But that's just the point - for some reason people keep trying me like that, and I don't know if it's something about me or what, but I'm afraid one day I'm going to lose control and end up fucking somebody up for real. I have three pocket knifes and a 9 MM at the house, as well as a 12-gauge shotgun (the guns belong to my dad and my uncle, not me). I could kill someone if I wanted to. And quite frankly I'm at the point where I'm tired of fighting, because I know that if you whup somebody's ass all they're going to do is come back and shoot you. So fighting him wouldn't really work anyway. Retaliation would be extremely likely.



I had a similar conversation with a police officer about two weeks ago after me and this guy got into a verbal dispute (almost turned physical but didn't because three cops were sitting about two feet away). He was a devout Christian and tried to tell me about what Jesus would've done - and I simply told him that Jesus was a better man than me. I can't imagine turning the other cheek, I did it today and it's killing me. A coworker last night who knows all too well about how fucked up this guy is told me I should pray for him and that he does so every night. I find that very hard to do, not that I don't believe in God or anything, it's just that I guess you could say that I'm not at that point yet.



So....................did I do the right thing in being diplomatic and civilized, or was it a punk move?

[kimpossible]

Quickly, because I know the young hate to listen to the old, here's how I see it.

Jail sucks. Even when I had the opportunity to leave at will, it still sucks. Prison is more fucked up than even that. I know I'll personally eat a lot of verbal shit so I never have to go. And I HATE taking shit from people. When I want to choke a bitch, I want to choke a bitch. Trust me, if you think being around this one motherfucker is bad try an entire pod full of them when you're just another inmate.

Anyhow.

I know you can't keep backing down forever so I have a suggestion. Gimme your current address and I'll even send you my copy of Emotional Vampires. The other one is called Verbal Judo, I think. Yeah, back to dealing with assholes. Guys like that are insecure and ready to rumble. They operate on something called reptile brain. You have to do something to pop them out of reptile brain. You come back with questions that force them to perform higher thinking than fight or flight. Usually it sends them off kilter enough that they get confused because the adrenaline rush drains off.

Life is full of assholes. I'm sure we're both part of the mix. But you can't blow them all full of holes big enough to see wall through. I have no idea if having enough verbal skills and quick thinking is a good cure but you have to pick your battles in life.

[Hiroshi2]

OK, thanks. I posted this because I'm tired of people giving me simple, dumb fuck answers like, "ignore him." Well no I can't. You just can't let people fuck with you like that. Or someone will say "quit that job and work somewhere else." I won't quit a job without having another one lined up. Someone offered me a job at the airport the other day, I'm waiting on them to call me back for an interview. If I got that airport job, I'd quit this one faster than you can say "check please".



I realize that life is full of assholes. Like I said, I don't know if I have ever learned the best way to deal with them, and every time a new situation comes up like this, it gets worse. This isn't about someone who just has a bad attitude and gets on my nerves. Situations in this city escalate too quickly from being petty disputes and disagreements to being bloody murders, and I know the potential is there. I see it happen all the time, that's why I hate being back home now because people in Birmingham will kill you over nothing. Being here you constantly have to prove to people that you're not a punk because people always want to try you like that. But as you said, don't want end up in prison just because I thought I wasn't a punk. But I can't back down either - so it's not an easy problem to solve.


I'm a college student trying to do something good with my life. Unlike him I have something to lose.

[sageb1]

I still would never engage in a fight, because even if you don't go to jail, someone could end up dead.

But that dude is a walking endorsement for jail life.

[tripostrophe]

I say follow Kim's advice. And maybe find someone to talk with about this and maybe issues of masculinity and how it ties into your identity? I think issues of pride affect APIAs (especially males) in horrible horrible ways. Being demasculinated(?) and all in the media and everyone (like you said) trying to start shit. I recently read a thread in the archives where a couple of prominent YW members were complaining about being tested and doubted all the time as men because of being APIA. And it surprised me coming from them.

And I give you kudos for your ability to do what you did -- I think it's harder to be a wise man than to be a man in the conventional sense, especially when you have to do it all the time. But I do know how you feel about wanting to just go animal on them. But obviously going Cho Seung Hui is not going to help you or the community in the long run, as we've seen..

[Arex]

Of course you did the right thing. And of course it feels shitty. But it's not a matter of this guy or any other random asshole you will inevitably encounter in life somehow getting away with "punking" you. That's high school shit. As you pointed out, you've got more to lose. The handful of successful rappers aside, the vast majority of people stuck in that mindset will never amount to anything. You're smart enough to know you don't want to end up like that. So, a couple of years out, after you've graduated from college and you've hopefully landed a nice job whereas this guy is still a waiter (if he's lucky) or back in prison or dead, who's the punk then?

[deez nuts]

it was a punk move.

why not get a few of the other guys that hate him together and abner louima his ass?

[Golden Monkey]

These situations require a dominant third party to intervene and create some distance. Whether between individuals or nations.

It might resolves his particular obsession with you even if it wont change his underlying emotional problems.

You're probably right about him getting killed or imprisoned. But he might get imprisoned after killing or injuring you. Or he'll draw you down to his level and you'll go to prison.

Here's an interesting article link about the death of the brother of famous young basketball player Len Bias who died young.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv...aunch/jay2.htm

Near Death, Jay Bias Spoke of Family, Prayed

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv...launch/jay.htm

Bias II: There'll Be No More 'Wait for Jay'

http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpag...56C0A967958260

Two Found Guilty In Bias Murder

[Craig]

I agree with Arex. Put up with the bullshit to get the college degree. There are always assholes in life, but getting having to deal with fewer of them will make life much more pleasant. Get into a position where you can avoid the negative environments and pay for a better quality of life.

[kimpossible]

One more word to Hiroshi. I'll get the book out ASAP and maybe a short letter with it. And maybe something yummy to go with.

Learning how to disarm, tune out, and otherwise stop time and energy wasting people would be one of the best life skills you could learn as a young adult. I have very few regrets in life but one big one is not learning very early on how to deal with them in a way that allows me to concentrate on myself.

No matter where you go in life there's always going to be someone trying to fuck with you. This one current guy can stand in for the rest as time marches on. The race, gender, class or age may morph but the inner bitter bitch is still at the core. There are times when you do have to let the other person know... yep, I will fuck you up if you get closer. In adult life we tend to call it nerve or steely resolve. Call upon your samurai ancestors (we're JA. anyone who knows any JA family knows we all think we come from samurai at some point in time) for those staredowns.

But you can't be an anger prostitute where your full beserker rage is available and triggered by a button any fool can push. You need to develop the ability to pull back emotionally and coldly calculate who you're dealing with, what can disarm him or her, the costs involved and if the consequences are worth it to you.

[Broomer]

Bud, mental toughness is more useful in the workplace then physical toughness.

So, in the workplace, Gandhi's right. Non-violence work better. The other moron will trip up, it's not an if.

This is coming from experience.

Kind regards,

Broomer

[AngryABCGirl]

I don't think kicking his ass is the best way to get back at him. I think you have three choices: 1) try to ignore it and let karma be a bitch to him ,2) be the bitch that is karma in a stupid way and your your ass in jail, or what I would try to do 3) be the bitch that is karma in a smart way and find a way to get his ass fired without making him overtly your problem. A guy like that can't work as a waiter for long, and that hurts both pride and pay, and a man whose broke and lost his job in stupid my opinion becomes more pathetic than a man who got beat up. It's really only a matter of time before he looses his job if everyone else working there hates him.

[Hiroshi2]

^ Yes I know I have to outsmart him. That's the whole point of trying to get him to hit me first. According to the law, he who throws the first lick can be charged with assault, the other person would be acting in self-defense and would not be charged, even if he kicked the other guy's ass.


I talk shit to him, antagonize him, get him angry enough to want to hit me. And then I go in and whup his ass. That's the plan.


In any case, I'm not taking this shit all summer. I've realized in the month that I've worked there that this dude is a bully and the only way you defeat a bully is to stand up to him. Telling on him doesn't work. I told on him a week ago, and nothing's changed (but that's what I expected anyway, so at least I"m not really disappointed).my conscious tells me that no matter what, something must change. This can't continue, if I let it continue it'll only get worse.


There's this other guy, he's a bartender actually, and the ex-con gets into it with this bartender constantly. He constantly bullies the bartender, talking shit to him, pushing him, shoving him, taunting him, etc. The bartender never does anything but follows the advice given by many people in this thread - ignore him the best that he can. He never responds to the bully, verbally, physically, or otherwise. And every day he gets fucked with. It's a damn shame to see a grown man get pushed around like that, but it happens. That is NOT going to be me. That's the point I'm trying to make here, I can't let that be me. I wouldn't be able to look at myself straight if I let myself get punked like that.



I'm just waiting for the day when the bartender is going to come in and shoot up the resturant, Virginia Tech style because I already know he's crazy like that anyway. He acts weird around everyone else, not just this guy, so I know it's coming. I don't want to be around when it happens, but I see it coming. Management there knows all about it, they just don't give a fuck. They are in fact some of the worst management I've seen. They are completely apathetic (though not clueless or unaware) to what goes on at that resturant. All they care about is looking good for the customers. As long as nobody does anything crazy in front of customers, they don't care. Well it's really going to look bad for business when someday somebody there (hopefully not me, but possibly so) decides that they've had it and they come in there and they set some shit off. Maybe they'll shoot up the place, maybe they'll just start a huge fight in the middle of the store during the lunch hour, who knows. In any case, this shit is going to hit the fan and fly right back into the management's faces, everybody can see it coming, including the management themselves, except I think they simply don't believe it will happen (wishing really hard that your problems will go away won't make them go away).



But on the other hand.............yesterday I got into an exchange of words with him again. I'm starting to realize that he probably ain't gonna do shit.


I asked him a question, and he quickly cursed me, at which point I got in his face and cussed him out. Then I taunted him and said "i bet you want to hit me, don't you? But you don't want to get locked up and drop the soap do you boy?"


At that point he walked away and echoed what I said in a mocking voice, like what an 8 year old girl might do.


My manager said he was getting sick of this (second altercation in like three days with this dude) but I told him straight up that I wasn't going to put up with it. Afterwards, a police officer was called in, not to arrest or even question anybody, but simply to monitor the store in case something else jumped off. Usually we never have cops sit in on Sunday afternoons, only Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights.



All of my coworkers said they were proud of me for standing up to him and said they wished I had of went ahead and whupped his ass, but that they understood that I didn't want to lose my job or otherwise get in trouble.


I was ready too. I antagonized him. I wanted him to throw the first lick just so I fuck his ass up. The main problem that I see here is trying to convince authority figures (be it management, police, or whomever) that I am in fact the one being harmed, and not an antagonizer or a bully myself.