when friends just aren't

[kitty]

what're some times when a friend you thought you had ends up doing something totally just... well... un-friend-ish for seemingly no apparent reason?

my visa is expiring and i need it renewed. yesterday, my bf and i rented a car and drove to the border, but due to circumstances we'll prolly laugh about in a month, but right now are pissing me off (involving a woman, her chevy impala, and five minutes of our brand new rental truck -- 2005 chevy colorado in electric blue -- parked outside the building i work... if you're interested in the details, pm me)... my bf and i made it to the (wrong) border station at exactly 4:05... five minutes after the ppl who could renew my visa left work.

long story short, i need to go back to the border next tuesday, of i face illegal alien status/deportation/all those scary things the DHS says to frighten away the non-citizens. seeing as how i have a myriad of other unexpected things i have to pay for in the next week, i was feeling a little strapped to rent another car. my friend in ithaca who has a brand new 2003 honda civic asked my bf and i how our roadtrip was, and we proceeded to tell her the bind we were in -- but were NOT going to ask her to take us back on tuesday, though it could've helped us out immensely.

she interrupts our story to tell us, pre-emptively, that she won't drive us to the border to get my visa stuff taken care of. Her reason? She doesn't want to put the mileage on her car.

i rarely if ever ask her for rides -- she's untrustworthy, a bad driver, and by the time she shows, i could've gotten the errand taken care of on my own, so usually i just take the buses. with the trip yesterday, my bf and i deliberately tried to avoid even TALKING to her about the trip so she wouldn't get the idea that we were asking.

but... i'm absolutely shocked that this 'friend' would place the mileage of her car over trying to help me out of a really serious situation... i feel extremely betrayed because i really go out of my way to help her out, going so far as to offer her free rent, food, and other expenses when she was talking about moving out of her mom's apartment. even though i wasn't asking, i'm hurt and upset that she said no.

i don't know what to do now -- is a friend really a friend if she's willing to say/do something like this, and completely ignore the ramifications i'm facing if i can't get to the border by tues? anyone else find themselves in this kind of situation?

[younggiftedandblack]

1st of all fuck her. She's the least of your problems. You need to focus on getting your shit right before they boot you out. After you get that fixed I would drop her ass with a quickness. A real friend would've just offered up her ride or given you one without you having to ask.

[ShortNBitter]

omg her milage?! that is absurd. when you get back key that fuckin vic!

[TB4000]

Her past rep more than likely speaks for itself. Honestly, forget being mad at her for now and please focus on making sure you stay here with us, Jenn. And yes, I know they have PC's in Canada....=P

[Mr.Lum]

What a bitch. Won't even help her illegal friend. Milage is a stupid reason. At least she didn't say it was because she hated Canadians. lol.

[rice cracker]

Okay, she's not your friend.

Can it only be renewed on a weekday? Shoot, we can't do it next weekend, relatives are visiting. Can you do it online or via fax, or just in person? Are there buses you could take? Wow, these are some ignorant questions.

Poopy, I want to drive up there myself and help you out, but the new job starts Monday :( :( :(

Girl, you should have said something to me last week!!!

[ellsworth81]

really good friends would have driven you. if she can't be depended upon now or in the past, why bother to keep in touch with her?

[kitty]

thanks guys for all your concern regarding my visa -- I'm on a TN which basically allows me to be in the country so long as i have a job, but it gets renewed every year. i can get it done every day between 8 and 4, but i was sent back to ithaca to get a piece of paper that explicitly tells them that a lab technician is a research assistant ... lab techs are not listed as allowed jobs under NAFTA but research assistants are. Anybody in the scientific field would know that usually one is the same as the other, but part of the reason my visa stuff was messed was because the border patrol wouldn't've known.

so far, everyone seems to think i should drop the friend?

[applehead]

aw. jen, sorry to hear about your predicament.

man. i have a friend like that.
it is just so unnecessary to have people
like that involved in your life.
you have to cut her off.
how fuckin selfish.
i'm currently in the process.

something similar happened to me
a couple of years ago.
this dog my sister resuced off the street
was staying with us. we planned to keep him.
but we found out that he was really sick
and needed surgery. i was really upset and left
a voice mail for my friend. i don't even remember
calling her. i was so hysterical and really
confused.

so i spoke to her later in the day when she
called me. and she asks me what's wrong.
at this point, my sister and i found out
that the surgery for my dog would cost almost
1,000 dollars. money we didn't have.
we had enough for a 50% deposit so that he was
able to have the surgery. so i was explaining
to her the situation and her response was
"you won't believe what happened to me at mcdonald's
today. i waited 15 minutes for a mcchicken sandwhich."

that was not the response i was looking for, clearly.
i thought she would provide for me some words of comfort.
so i paused and said "listen, i have too much to think
about right now so i can't listen to you bitch about waiting
for a sandwhich." and hung up on her.

a couple of days later she takes me out for a birthday
dinner to eat food that she's been craving. (surprise, surprise)
and she tells me that she changed the subject that time
on the phone
because she didn't have money to lend me.

i was shocked because i never asked her to lend me
money, first of all. second, it didn't even
enter my mind that we should have
asked any of our friends.
and she goes. "well, you can always ask to borrow
money from me. it's just that i don't have the extra cash
right now."
so i said, "oh of course, i know."

so i thought okay, maybe i over-reacted.
then she starts talking about how she only
saved up 15,000 thousand dollars in her savings
since she started working. and how she's planning
a vacation to mexico with her co-workers.

and you know, it's her money. she worked hard
for it. i have no say in how she should spend it
or not. but the lying and the selfishness really really
hurt my feelings. and i've been trying to cut her off
since then and it hasn't been easy.

my other friend knew what was going
on with my dog. since, she volunteers
at another veterinarian she knew that
if we didn't pay the rest of the balance
for the surgery then we couldn't
pick up charlie. she told me not to worry
and drove me to the vet and wrote out
a check for the rest. and it was her
sister's check. she was broke but
asked her sister for a blank check.

this friend, i didn't even ask her.

and then i realized. i don't even have time
to spend with friends i like. why should i waste
my time and energy nurturing a friendship
with a person so selfish.

and i can't believe all those details are still fresh
in my mind. i guess that's how much it bothers me.

Originally Posted by rice cracker

Okay, she's not your friend.

Can it only be renewed on a weekday? Shoot, we can't do it next weekend, relatives are visiting. Can you do it online or via fax, or just in person? Are there buses you could take? Wow, these are some ignorant questions.

Poopy, I want to drive up there myself and help you out, but the new job starts Monday :( :( :(

Girl, you should have said something to me last week!!!

AWWW kim!!
you're so freakin nice!!

[ism]

A pre-emptive favor refusal is pretty harsh, but if you think about it in terms of what kind of relationship that person thinks they have with you, why not just match that defined level? A border drive would pretty much take up their entire day, so I'd say it's about even with letting her crash on your couch for the night for two weeks, or getting bailed out twice. The fact that she followed the Bush doctrine drops the favor level at least two notches. So your favor level relationship is somewhere around spotting $10 and giving rides to the airport 20 miles away, but below house-sitting and helping with moving.

[mndeg]

MILEAGE? LOL
its a civic!

[nola]

like a hot potato, jenn.

[moser]

Sorry to hear about the visa issue.

And that girl seems self-absorbed.

[sandra]

if things really happened as how you told it, at least you know now that she isn't your friend.

[Fireblade]

Cut em' off. Usually a bitchslap to the face seals the deal. Then cuss them out, and walk away.