Home is not where the heart is.

[artsfartsyjanet]

Funny how life can be so ironic. As a crisis worker myself, I have a crisis of my own at home. Well, I've had it for awhile, but it's gotten worse for my situation at home. My family would be classified as the workaholic authoritative chinese restaurant owners who have neglected what it means to be a good father and mother, let alone good business people. I've grown up pleasing them trying to fulfill every one of their expectations. While I've fulfilled all of them, it's always never enough. They always seem to find some stupid flaw (e.g. dishes left unclean, dust bunny on the edge of the carpet, a missing object or kitchenware, the grass growing longer, or the bill that hasn't been paid yet because they'd open my mail). And when I call them, they never ask how I'm doing or what I've been up to... It's ALWAYS, "did you get the mail today, did you pay the bills, why aren't you helping us out at the restaurant, you need to bring the ironing board back b/c it's mine." And when I tell them all the milestones I've accomplished in life (e.g. getting internships and working as a crisis worker), I always receive a negative response. For example, they'd respond, "so how many years does that make you a masters or doctorate? so you haven't gotten this or that yet?" For some reason, they have these stupid grudges they have against me that I thought they'd be over by now,... but they always pull something on me to make me feel guilty or not worthy of their daughter. Then, I made the decision to marry a guy who was not Asian, and I think that topped the cherry on the cake. They've threatened to take the car away from me or they've threatened me not to come back home if I went to see my fiance at the time. Now that my engagement has ended b/c the guy cheated on me, and now that I'm with a guy who's asian (not b/c my parents forced me), they're still not satisfied. So, after talking to my boyfriend about it, I've decided not to be within my parents grasp/control. No amount of tears will budge my stubborn and emotionally neglecting parents. So, I've made the decision to not talk to them for awhile, go on welfare and depend on the government for some assistance so that I can live on my own. At first I felt a bit of a stigma being on welfare, but after deliberating the facts, I'm better off being on it until I can be financially independent. I am also getting a PO Box so that they won't have to open any of my bills or any other confidential information. I've also decided to move out to stay at my boyfriend's for awhile b/c he agrees that my parents are too strict and unreasonable. I am also doing as much as I can to get a full time job with benefits. A lot of people are lucky to have parents who give them everything. I do not envy but I know that I don't deserve to be treated like a stranger by those who are supposed to love me the most. Keep in mind that I love them, but they're making it difficult for me to live under their rules and regulations. I also do not plan on speaking to them for awhile. They're immature, and quite frankly, I'm sick of playing their mind games with me.


I have a friend who's parents are just like mine. She's also from the same background except she lives in Minnesota, and parents will not speak to her either (even after attempting to see a counselor). So now she's completely moved out and trying to get into law school. Anyone else struggling? Any suggestions?

[VV o n g B a]

my roommate is in a similar position. his mom repeatedly threatened to cut off his finances while in college to make him do her bidding. he went to med school b/c she made him and finally, he got sick of it. (there's much more to it than this that went on throughout his childhood, but that was pretty much the kicker) he moved out of his apartment into mine and didn't even tell his mom where he went. he's now studying for the mcat to transfer to a different med school in my town and takes no money from his mom. once the mcats are over he's gonna look for a job to support himself.

the only thing i would say is that u need a plan for the future before committing to this and u need confidence in it. it looks like u already have that however, so i'll just wish u the best of luck.

[shy]

it's sad how parents always threat their kids or puts guilt trips onto them in order to make them do certain things... i wish they could see that by doing either/or, they aren't helping anyone. especially not themselves!

artsfartsyjanet, thanks for sharing your situation. i think trying to make it on your own is not only the smart way to go, but a very brave thing to do... it's not easy! i don't know if i could have done it.

and yes, my mom is very much like the way you described your parents (except for the part about marrying a non-asian - they are cool w/ that part). it's tough to get calls from your mom every day or two, only to have to hear her critisize you... that is very much my mother. nothing i do is good enough for her... but i figured that it's not because of my failures... and i hope you realize that as well.

your parents and my mom sound like control-freaks and perfectionist. and the thing is, unless you do things the way they would do it, they will always find faults in what you do. that's their issue, though. not yours. it's just so frustrating to have to deal with them when that get that way.

anyway, a break from them will do both you and them some good... hope you don't take too long of a break though because it does sound like you love them.

all the best!

*hugs*

[Tao]

yeah, i'm sorry to hear that you had to take such drastic measures in order to deal with them. I have a friend who's also in this kind of situation. All I can say is good luck, and god speed.

[thaite]

Yeah, that sucks. Sometimes parents are so demanding they can't accept the little successes that precede the bigger success.

Years ago, I worked so hard for this car I wanted to buy. I saved all my money for two years to get this little convertible and when I finally got it I went over to my mom's to show it to her. And what did she say? She said if she ever saw me driving around she'd spit on it.

I just don't understand parents. Sometimes they just can't be proud or happy for you. I just don't get it.

So yeah, you just gotta break away. You're gonna have to accept whatever family support and money you're used to getting from them will end and plan accordingly. That's how it's gonna have to be if you're ever going to be your own person.

Good luck.

[Emperor_Mike]

For a good part of my childhood my father was like that. He had so many expectations and these were so inordinately high that it was like he was planning my failure. Things are better now, though we never speak about my achievements because he will always nitpick on it on how it's not enough and I *need* to be the best because second place just won't do.

[Deadpool]

Im my younger days my Parents were much like yours. They've toned down the craziness as they got older and because they know I'd go ape shit if I get pushed too far, but much of that crap still remain.

[shy]

everyone's stories is reminding me of this girl i use to know when i was younger through my best friend. years passed and i didn't see this girl much anymore... but my friend later told me how she was doing.

apparently, her father was getting more and more demanding with her and her achievements. he went so far that he was a bit psychotic about it... tearing up certificates when she would get 99% but not 100%.

his demands, apparently, was like that w/ everyone in the family. and though i don't think he hit anyone, he showed a really ugly and scary side.

in the end, the mother divorced him. and of course, took her kids with her.

*shudder*

okay... so that was an extreme case but it does sort of scare me, you know?

[SunWuKong]

i think i must be the only Asian person on this side of the Pacific who doesn't have overbearing parents. on the other hand, they told me that they feel really bad that part of my future plans are made with their well-being in mind. they said they wanted me to do what i want to do instead.

[ChinaLama]

your parents are twinkies, swk. my parents aren't unreasonable people, either. in fact, my father's a lot nicer to me than he was about a year ago; i think part of him has already given up hope for me. :-P

[teaz0r]

my parents were never overbearing.
never felt pressured during school.
my parents never once saw a report
card whilst i was in high school.

my mother wouldn't like the boys
i was seeing. that was it.

[hooligan]

oi, i feel you, i'm still dealing with a lot of this. i guess my positions a lot better than yours becuase i'm a guy and being first born they tend to listen to me. but although i'm finishing my last year in college they still dictate what i want to do with my life. they insisted that i couldn't work (i eventually got a job) and they wouldn't let me pursue an education background (threatening to cut off financial support). ironic.

now, it's late in the game for me to change my major. although i found ways to rebel by taking asian am classes to find my identity. now, i understand them a lot better. currently, i'm still pursuing a career in medicine thanks in part of decisions my parents made for me when i was young. i'm finding it harder to fight my own way. i think that eventually i'll find something that i want to do later on in life.

i guess, i've never gone ape shit or crazy. there was a point when i did break down in front of them in high school, i think that's when they stopped pushing me as hard. i'm afraid it's all me now. eh, life goes on.

good luck with this, i'm afraid i'm going to go through something like this when i'm older.

-ben

[Ogumo]

That is terrible that you had to go to that extreme to get away from your parents. But I do not blame you at all. It seems that your parents just cannot accept what you are and be happy for you...they must realize that this is your life and you are trying to live it not them. Maybe one day they will realize this. Good luck.

[LCY]

I wish you the best of luck, artsyfartsyjanet. It sounds like a difficult situation and I'll be hoping you get through it alright.

My parents acted similarly: hard-working, shopkeeping, never took any vacations, 1st generation Asian immigrants who pushed me so hard to succeed academically that I almost had a breakdown in high school. I was doing everything: getting straight As, extracurricular acitivities, quiz bowls, and yet nothing I felt satisfied them. We love each other but I think there was just a communication breakdown between us. Luckily, most of it worked out alright, and we're good with each other and I'm happier now.

As for suggestions, just be strong and don't forget how much you accomplished and the potential you have; hopefully, your parents will learn to treat you like an adult.

[golden_buns]

That sounds a lot like what goes on in my house, especially with my dad; I hardly ever get to hear anything about my accomplishments, but when it comes to my failures the list seems to be never ending. Basically that's one of the reasons why I decided to come to Korea and be on my own. when I left I felt like i was geeting rid of a heavy weight on my shoulders.

I'm not sure how it is in your family, but in my house this happens b/c my parents have a lot more expectations on me than my brother so the demands are quite high. I know they do this b/c they love me and care about me, but sometimes it gets extreme. I get the feeling that you're parents and my parents are a very similar case.

You did the right thing. I'm sure you would have gone nuts if you stayed there any longer. And for the sake of keeping things in the family well balanced I thinks it's best if you keep distance with them until things cool down a little and both parties are willing to come to an agreement.



Good luck Janet

[jenjen]

yeah janet, i understand ur situation. im in the same situation, just a bit less drastic. it shits me how hard it is to get through to the stereotypical asian parent.

but, if you do want to understand the reasons for thinking the way they do, as i always do, just think of it as something that they are used to--- they must have grown up with parents like that too. and you kow how people say you become ur parents (as in they influence you a lot)? well, i think that is in a huge part true. my parents sometimes have a really cruel (i know that they do this unintentionally coz they're the most loving ppl in the world) way of twisting my words to manipulate me to think as they do. like, in grade 6, if i wanted to go to a sleepover and they didn't want me to go, they'd say 'so you don't love ur family, you'd rather be with a group of strangers'. i'm really sensitive to how my parents feel, and if they said that i'd feel really guilty about going over to the friends place, so i wouldn't go. but now that i think about it, it seems like such a bad method of deterence. and yet, i see myself doing that to my little sister.

so i hope im not sounding like i'm standing up for what ur parents are doing--- i'm on ur side ok? but i believe UNDERSTANDING situations or why people do things makes these situations a lot easier to deal with. at least ur not doubting the cause of these problems (which ppl can sometimes think of as themselves--- which is really unhealthy).

so yeah, hope my load of blab helps. i'm not very conventional in advice giving...

*big hug* good luck janet!!

[Green_Circle]

Yup I think it's time to fly the coop as they say. Good thing you have a BF where you can chill when the going gets rough. This will be a great time to find your way also. Just take the ball as far as you can. Remember if worse comes to worse, they'll still be there with a nice big house and all. But usually when a person has had it up to here^ then that's the time to part company. You and your parents have always had the same relationship. They have always been the same. It's just this time around you've decided you aren't gonna take it any more. So actually you are the one who has changed, not them. The reason is that now you are all grown up. Time to go. When you see them again for holidays and stuff, you'll love them and they'll still love you.

[applehead]

hey janet.
sorry to hear about your situation
but i think what you chose
is the best thing you
can do. and i envy your courage.
i wish you lots of luck.
i guess you can talk to them
about it but from my experience,
it doesn't help. it's just the way
they are.

i felt the same way you did
a couple of years ago.
my father is the same way
but not as extreme as yours,
i suppose.
i think it was because i was
too close to him.
we spent too much time together.
i just feel that sometimes,
family members would get
along so much better if
they didn't spend so much
time together...

[applehead]

my parents were never overbearing.
never felt pressured during school.
my parents never once saw a report
card whilst i was in high school.

my mother wouldn't like the boys
i was seeing. that was it.


my parents were like that
until i finished high school.
but i always wished they
weren't.
i wanted curfews and be forced
to get straight As.
they were so lax until i started college.
then i wished they weren't so uptight.

i guess the grass is always greener
on the other side.

[SunWuKong]

i wanted curfews and be forced
to get straight As.


is this why you were such a naughty girl when you were in high school?

[thaite]

Naughty, naughty applehead. You ought to be spanked.

[Irezumi Kiss]

Naughty, naughty applehead. You ought to be spanked.

That'd be reinforcing the discipline she missed out on, wouldn't it?

:p

Janet, hang in there and continue to believe in your heart. That is the one thing that will never, ever lie to you. I can tell you that the overbearing parent thing isn't a monopoly held by Asian parents...you are not alone!

[ChinaLama]

they were so lax until i started college.
then i wished they weren't so uptight.


apparently not uptight enough cuz meena's still a wild wild woman.

[Tao]

apparently not uptight enough cuz meena's still a wild wild woman.

she is?.....i was fooled :huh:

[BeTheReds]

I'm a pushover and do whatever my father wishes.

I envy you Janet.

[Ogumo]

I rarely disobeyed my father as well. But then he was nothing like her parents. I just did not disbobey my mother out of raw fear.

[LigotflabL]

Yah, I feel what you're saying. My parents used to always rip on me for not achieving what they wanted me to. It's bad when the town u live in is very tight and everybody knows everybody's business. Like, if your mom's friend had a smart daughter and she just happened to be your classmate...the comparing never ends. You just have to let 'em know that you are you and life's too short to be dwelling on your shortcomings.

[sandra]

why are they not happy now that you have an asian bf? sounds like your parents are just trying to find things to complain about. is there an underlying reason for this? perhaps they themselves are not aware of the real reason they are complaining so much (it probably is a reason that has nothing to do with you.)

anyhow, moving out and cutting off any contact may make them open their eyes to how inconsiderate they have been to you. it may make them realize that it's not worth losing a daughter. have you considered writing a letter declaring your decision and explaining why you made it?

as for suggestions...i guess - apply for every single scholarship out there. get the low-income plan on your electricity/water/trash bill (if they offer it).

tough situation. best of luck.

[artsfartsyjanet]

Thanks, most of you have what it takes to express empathy around here. I feel the love. I have a few interviews scheduled in a couple of weeks.

My parents have this "snow ball" way of getting mad at me. They take everything faulty I've done in the past and use that as amunition for any flaw they see now. They don't trust me b/c I've "disobeyed" the family's needs. They work undeniably hard at our family restaurant... the same restaurant that put me through high school and most of college. Of course, I feel indebted to them, but it's hard to foster their needs if they've been emotionally negligent to my needs. It's a typical authoritarian style of parenting. I am quite aware of their tactics, but communicating that to them is like talking to a brick wall. *shrug* They've given me little to no choice but to sacrifice a life of financial dependence to surviving on my own with the education I have and the little money I have under my belt to barely make ends meet. Thankfully, I have friends and a s.o. here to support me emotionally, but I do my best to financially stabilize myself. Yes, it's fucking hard, but no one else is going to help me first but myself.

[artsfartsyjanet]

why are they not happy now that you have an asian bf? sounds like your parents are just trying to find things to complain about. is there an underlying reason for this? perhaps they themselves are not aware of the real reason they are complaining so much (it probably is a reason that has nothing to do with you.)

anyhow, moving out and cutting off any contact may make them open their eyes to how inconsiderate they have been to you. it may make them realize that it's not worth losing a daughter. have you considered writing a letter declaring your decision and explaining why you made it?

as for suggestions...i guess - apply for every single scholarship out there. get the low-income plan on your electricity/water/trash bill (if they offer it).

tough situation. best of luck.


I'm sure my parents are happy that I have an asian bf, but they never express any of their satisfaction. When one is given so much negativity, you become negative yourself. It's had an effect on me since I was young, only now, I'm more aware of it and "unlearning" this attitude. It takes a lot to acknowledge that you and your family has a problem. It takes more work to try to free yourself from that cycle. My life feels like a tornado. Once you're out of it, you have to pick what is left of it and build and adapt to a new one. Easier said than done.

I also agree that their anger is somewhat displaced and somewhat resentful. They told my boyfriend that the American education system has "corrupted" me. Little did they think that my boyfriend is a product of it as well. =)

I run 4 miles now every other day, and the work out has helped me mentally and physically. I haven't forgotten how to take care of myself. =)

[shy]

I also agree that their anger is somewhat displaced and somewhat resentful. They told my boyfriend that the American education system has "corrupted" me. Little did they think that my boyfriend is a product of it as well. =)

oh man... that's just too rich!

isn't that funny? my parents try to do the same thing with me... "the problem with you is that you were too spoiled by us when you were young!"

well, getting smacked so hard i'd almost fly across the table never really made me feel like i was spoiled. they were strict with me. but i often find it odd that parents trying to blame their child for being spoiled as a young kid when the parents are to be blamed for spoiling the child.

in your situation, your parents can only blame themselves for putting you in an american school.

if they're bitter about that, they shouldn't take it out on you.

keep up the running. you're right... exercise does help! ;)

[YuheiCarreau]

Whenever my parents get angry over something stupid, I tell them it's either genetics or my upbringing that's to blame.

[kitty]

wow, janet, I think you made the right decision. I'm in a similar situation -- my paretns refuse to give me money even though I'm unemployed and my cash reserves are pretty much depleted. I'm living with my bf whom they can't stand, and I'm not going directly to grad school but trying to find a job, they keep trying to emotionally blackmail me into going back home or finding a job in china.

They are willing to give me money for job interviews, as long as it's not to support me in living with my bf . So I've made the decision to not ask them for money ever. i still phone them every week because I know they really are only trying to look out for me and all the shit they are doing is out of love.

I just hate that their tactics might be working... my bf and I have been under a lot of stress because I get upset when I talk/fight with them... and since it's every week, it often destroys the day and night no matter what my bf and I are doing, 'cuz I have to drop everything and deal with them. He wishes that they didn't have so much sway over me emotionally... I agree, if I want to fight for what's right for me, I can't let them get under my skin so easily.

[golden_buns]

I just hate that their tactics might be working... my bf and I have been under a lot of stress because I get upset when I talk/fight with them... and since it's every week, it often destroys the day and night no matter what my bf and I are doing, 'cuz I have to drop everything and deal with them. He wishes that they didn't have so much sway over me emotionally... I agree, if I want to fight for what's right for me, I can't let them get under my skin so easily.


If I was u, I'd definetely cut contact with your parents for some time. They'll get so worried that they'll get to the point of accepting your relationship as long as you're in touch with them.

One of my good friends did that for a year until his extremely stubborn dad finally decided to budge and it worked

[SunWuKong]

Off topic: I think the reason why so many young Asian girls marry out of their race is because in one sense they want to rebel against their parents.

Anybody else notice this?

I think I read somewhere that Asia Carrere got into porn because she was pressurised to fulfill her potential as a childhood prodigy in music; also, because she had an extremely high I.Q, her parents pushed her academically as well. I think this had a negative impact on Asia: she ended up marrying a bald, fat and ugly white man; as well as being sexually used and abused by various white males in her film roles.

I mean in a funny sort of way, this is the ultimate rebuttal of her parents strictness: can you imagine the shock that her parents feel when they see their daughter having sex with well hung men whom she barely knows?

I think Kobe Tai and Fujiko Kano suffer similar psychological problems. Let's face it: who in their right minds would do the sort of things that porn stars do? They must have been psychologically or physically abused when they were younger. All this 'justification' of being exhibitionists is pure bull in my opinion.


i don't know, but Fujiko Kano is hot and i want to do her.

[537]

i don't know, but Fujiko Kano is hot and i want to do her.


I don't know about that, man. She's kinda thick. And them cankles make me puke.

[applehead]

I don't know about that, man. She's kinda thick. And them cankles make me puke.


rad ain't picky.

[artsfartsyjanet]

i didn't date someone out of my race in order to rebel. I'd rebel if I hated my parents, but I don't. *shrug*. Sure anything my parents don't like seem to be a sign of rebellion, but anything i do still isn't enough anyway. I don't see myself doing what Asia did at all. :sick: I see myself going to grad school and having a career. If I have to work a lot to make that happen, I will do so, but also balancing out my social life as well as taking time to exercise.

[shy]

Off topic: I think the reason why so many young Asian girls marry out of their race is because in one sense they want to rebel against their parents.

Anybody else notice this?

I think I read somewhere that Asia Carrere got into porn because she was pressurised to fulfill her potential as a childhood prodigy in music; also, because she had an extremely high I.Q, her parents pushed her academically as well. I think this had a negative impact on Asia: she ended up marrying a bald, fat and ugly white man; as well as being sexually used and abused by various white males in her film roles.

I mean in a funny sort of way, this is the ultimate rebuttal of her parents strictness: can you imagine the shock that her parents feel when they see their daughter having sex with well hung men whom she barely knows?

I think Kobe Tai and Fujiko Kano suffer similar psychological problems. Let's face it: who in their right minds would do the sort of things that porn stars do? They must have been psychologically or physically abused when they were younger. All this 'justification' of being exhibitionists is pure bull in my opinion.

did you major in psychology? i hope not... what you've just done is psychoanalyze people you don't even know. sure.. sexual abuse at a young age can lead to a destructive future. but i don't think it's fair for you to make such huge leaps and bounds in your theory based on a couple of porn stars.

first of all... porn industry these days... people like asia are probably getting some of the best treatment in porn today. i highly doubt she feels she is being used. in fact, some would say that these professional ladies have empowered their sexuality.

some of the more well known, larger porn productions actually make sure that their employees are treated well.

secondly...

i do think this is going off topic. artsyfartsyjanet came here to rant and seek support.

since she didn't go out with a non-asian because of rebellious reasons, i don't think this topic should be brought up here. it's totally not fair to her.

[Emperor_Mike]

Parents are people too and people have an awful tendency to get on your nerves sometimes. I suppose this is where being independent comes into play. If you're strong enough, you'll come out a better person. If you're weak, then...well...the least said the better.

[kitty]

i've heard people rationalize people in my situation and sort of janet's (dating someone outside of my race against my parents' wishes) as a need to rebel, because people who aren't experiencing it don't really understand why we would 'ask' for so much trouble.

IMO, I'm not asking for it, I really wish it wasn't such a big deal. I think saying that the only reason someone like myself or Janet would date IR is because of a sense of rebellion is to trivialize that person's problems and feelings.

[ChinaLama]

ehh... i think everyone needs to be a little more light-hearted about this. no need to get defensive about who you date. :-)

[shy]

ehh... i think everyone needs to be a little more light-hearted about this. no need to get defensive about who you date. :-)

understood... i just didn't think it was an appropraite topic to bring up... it's just ASKING for trouble, you know?

[Tao]

Gee, why all the commotion? In my original post I just stated a very valid point: Asian girls are subject to sexism within their families on a level that is very destructive for them.

It is undeniable that one of the reasons why Asian girls marry WM's is because there is a sense of rebellion against their authoritarian upbringing;Amy Tan showed that in her book; and I know, personally, many Asian girls who end up with WM's and consequently being disowned by their parents.

yeah you really do like making sweeping generalizations.


that being said, can we stop highjacking janet's thread and let her rant? :closedeye

[SunWuKong]

yes. Morientes, if you'd like to explore this some more, please start a thread in the sex & health forum.

[Deadpool]

So is Janet gonna end up doing porn or what?
*Eagerly waits with a bottle of lube at his side*
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
.
.
(I'm so nasty)

[Tao]

LOL, you so crazy

[sandra]

Off topic: I think the reason why so many young Asian girls marry out of their race is because in one sense they want to rebel against their parents.

Anybody else notice this?

i think this is a valid comment - maybe you can start another thread. i hardly think janet is in this situation (her bf's asian, for one thing.) but i have heard others make similar comments to yours.

[shy]

Re: porn actressess empowering themselves?! Excuse me! Where in the hell did you get that idea from? Having sex, be it oral or anal or straight, in front of a crew of twenty people does not seem to me "empowerment". I've heard of feminists espousing such a theory but believe me deepthroating a man's penis is degrading.

if you start another thread about some of the points you made, then i'll be glad to share with you my knowledge from my psychology background and from the years that i councelled sexual education AND worked in promoting sexual awareness over a huge range of topics.

then you'll learn where the hell i got that idea from. sheez...

pm me if you do start a topic about all this.

If what I said about IR dating you did not like then tough luck; I'm only espousing my opinion on this "sensitive" topic.

tough luck then about getting all this 'commotion'. hey... open your mouth w/out thinking and you'll get that reaction. deal with it.

okay.. sorry janet. i couldn't help it. had to say something to Morientes...

carry on w/ the previous topic before all these interruptions.

[ChinaLama]

no offense to anyone, but my impression was janet wanted to rant for one post--- and yet this thread is 4 pages. hmm...

[artsfartsyjanet]

Most recent update with my life....

After going through several career/job search engines and preparing for upcoming career fairs, I've been offered a decent job as a web developer in a company in NJ -- 20 minutes from New York City's Chinatown. I also have some HR contacts in the east coast (primarily in the NY or NJ) area. There are also a few jobs in Chicago and Minneapolis in the area of psychology. Life is a little better now. =) *exhale*

[kitty]

congratulations! Glad to hear it!

[artsfartsyjanet]

Thanks!!! But I'm not in the clear yet... it's definitely relieving to know there are opportunities available if I look hard enough. Who lives in the NJ or NY area here on YW?

[applehead]

this is good news, janet.

[golden_buns]

Most recent update with my life....

After going through several career/job search engines and preparing for upcoming career fairs, I've been offered a decent job as a web developer in a company in NJ -- 20 minutes from New York City's Chinatown. I also have some HR contacts in the east coast (primarily in the NY or NJ) area. There are also a few jobs in Chicago and Minneapolis in the area of psychology. Life is a little better now. =) *exhale*


That's awesome, but what's gonna happen with your bf?

[artsfartsyjanet]

That's awesome, but what's gonna happen with your bf?

Believe me, this issue has come up a million times between me and my boyfriend. It's a dilemma for both of us, but I know he would want me to find a job rather than be selfish about it. Ideally, he and I would want to be in the same city, but I still have goals and before I can commit to anyone, I have to find financial independence first. I can't depend on anyone but myself first. If I take the job in Jersey, I would see it as a test of how strong we are away from each other and how much we trust each other. I'd like to be optimistic no matter what the outcome of the relationship is. Honesty is very critical to me and to him. We plan on communicating and travelling a lot. I know he isn't ready for a commitment either because he doesn't plan on staying St.Louis permanently. After he finishes his Masters while he works, he plans to work elsewhere, perhaps near his family in Minneapolis. We will just take it a day at a time.

[shy]

Believe me, this issue has come up a million times between me and my boyfriend. It's a dilemma for both of us, but I know he would want me to find a job rather than be selfish about it. Ideally, he and I would want to be in the same city, but I still have goals and before I can commit to anyone, I have to find financial independence first. I can't depend on anyone but myself first. If I take the job in Jersey, I would see it as a test of how strong we are away from each other and how much we trust each other. I'd like to be optimistic no matter what the outcome of the relationship is. Honesty is very critical to me and to him. We plan on communicating and travelling a lot. I know he isn't ready for a commitment either because he doesn't plan on staying St.Louis permanently. After he finishes his Masters while he works, he plans to work elsewhere, perhaps near his family in Minneapolis. We will just take it a day at a time.

jeez...that's so rational and level-headed and smart!

i don't know why your parents haven't seen this side of you!

i'm happy for you about your new prospects. if you're boyfriend is being supportive of you, then your relationship already has good signs for a good future! :)

[artsfartsyjanet]

or things could, unfortunately, turn out bad between you and your bf. since you're going away t's probably gonna be an on/off relationship and i believe this kind of relationships are quite bad. but in the end that does'nt matter since, artsy, i believe you've got the right frame of mind to be indendent and not rely upon any man for your future life.


Yeah I know, but I can't predict the future. Again, I'm sure whatever becomes of us will be the best for us. And yes, I don't like to depend on anyone else ( a guy or a friend for that matter) to define my happiness. I first have to find it on my own. Then, I'll decide what to do with myself and my money when the time is right.

[kimpossible]

A lot of people are lucky to have parents who give them everything. I do not envy but I know that I don't deserve to be treated like a stranger by those who are supposed to love me the most. Keep in mind that I love them, but they're making it difficult for me to live under their rules and regulations. I also do not plan on speaking to them for awhile. They're immature, and quite frankly, I'm sick of playing their mind games with me.



From your lastest update it sounds like you've really taken control of the direction of your life, so I'll save any advice I would have had and just commiserate a bit. You're definitely not alone in having to break away from parental influence that is more dramatic than constructive and guiding. It's going to be rough for a while but once you've really got a strong grip on your career and personal life, I think they'll come around a bit.

I think at one of the most difficult junctures in my life I was trying to balance a relationship with my boyfriend (later husband), finish my undergrad degree (that I was paying for myself), and help my sister kick a meth addiction (our parents outright denied any assistance). I had to make decisions on which was first, my education or my relationship. I also applied for public assistance for myself and my sister, and I had to sideline my parents because all they would do is point fingers, deflect any responsibility and basically cause more grief than offer any help.

I had too much at stake and ended up making a lot of hard decisions; one was having to live apart from my boyfriend in order to take better educational opportunities. It was a gamble, but we did eventually marry so living apart is not always an automatic death sentence for a relationship. In the end I don't think my parents are any less into the drama, but I'm a happier person for taking the hard road that led to my independence.

It's not perfect. I'm seen as so reliable now that my parents have switched roles and become extremely dependent on me, despite not having supported me at all beyond the age of 17. They also take credit for any accomplishment I may have had and that is an extremely tough pill to swallow because nothing could be farther from the truth. But... I dunno. I guess where I'm going with this is once you've realized your goals by your own hard work - learn to love it on its own merit, keep your personal boundaries strong and trust your judgment. And don't be surprised if your parents take credit for your success despite that they might have had little to do with it. Let them do it. Easier to keep the peace that way and it does nothing to cheapen anything you've done.

[artsfartsyjanet]

Thank you (and to everyone else) who can relate to my experiece. HH, reading your post certainly gave me a sense of relief and comfort. Also, thanks for sharing your own personal struggles with me. I am becoming more determined to travel a harder path to get to the independence I rightfully earn.