Financially Independent Women in their 30's

[artsfartsyjanet]

I'm 30, unmarried, and financially independent. Despite any obstacles I may have had to overcome, I love that I'm at a point for awhile now actually when I'm able to pay my own bills, and if necessary, help other people including my family, friends, and donate to people who need help. After recently breaking up with a long-time boyfriend, I'm finding myself back in the dating scene again. At first, it took some adjustment but I think I'm back in the swing of things and making the most out of this opportunity to meet new people and re-evaluate my personal and professional goals. I don't think I'm emotionally ready for children because everytime I pass a crib, I react the opposite of what a lot of women are feeling. A lot of women probably think "aww I wanna a baby..." whereas I thank my lucky stars that I don't have that responsibility yet. lol. Having said that, however, I would like a family one day and would like to share my life with someone who shares similar interests and values as I do. Maybe it's my heightened sense of awareness but I still feel some amount of pressure to get married soon. It could just be in the culture that favorably reinforces people who are in relationships, and some how, a single independent woman starting at age 30, may have some negative associations attached to it. When I was 24, a friend of mine who was a resident physician once told me that "if a girl who is 28 or older doesn't have a boyfriend or a husband, it means something's wrong with her." While I'm sure there's a modicum of truth in that, I realize how immature that statement can be since he's basically generalizing how all women arbitrarily over 28 are either leftover crazy damaged goods that nobody wants. I don't think he realizes how damaging words like that can be on a woman's psyche. Your thoughts?

[sandra]

my thoughts are i think it's the curse of being a yw women's forum mod.

[artsfartsyjanet]

Such is a double-edged sword life. =)

[sandra]

i don't know if it has to do with where i live, but many women here in l.a. are single, in their 30's and financially independent. it may also have to be with my group of friends - many of them law school friends/coworkers. obviously, to be in my line of work, you have to be kinda a non-conformist, following your ideals and beliefs of what is right vs. just what everyone else is doing. i think we are also the type to have goals and stick to them - starting from committing to going to law school, applying, taking the lsat, to eventually taking the bar and then sticking to a job that pays a lot less than what we could be making at a firm - and i think that shows some real stubbornness on our part. so if you use this, i guess, as an indicator for how we would deal with romantic relationships, it really isn't surprising that a lot of us are single. we're idealistic almost to a fault, slow to give up, are pretty good at ignoring what the rest of society things of us, and we're happy that way.

and i'm glad i waited :)

[applehead]

i was told a couple of weeks ago that i'm suffering from hysterics
because i'm over 30 and single.
actually, my aunt's exact words were "watch your health because
old maid hysterics can make you sick" when she learned that i chastised
her son for being irresponsible.
that comment seriously bothered me so much that one of my friends
even bought me a book about single women in their 30's.
i know that she's crazy for saying that but i just can't shake it off.
i still can't.
in a way, it made me feel sorry for her and for her daughter;
that my female cousin has a mother who thinks the way she does
but i'm still so bothered by it.
i don't understand why i have to justify me not wanting to get married
or even date to anyone but myself. and why anyone would be so concerned
with someone else's dating life.
"what's it to you?"

[urbia]

it really isn't surprising that a lot of us are single. we're idealistic almost to a fault, slow to give up, are pretty good at ignoring what the rest of society things of us, and we're happy that way.



I can relate. In my case, I'm obsessed with seeing the world, and that's harsh on relationships if you're planning to be away from home for months at a time, repeatedly. Sometimes lifestyles and mindsets simply don't match what is societally expected of a woman in a relationship.

[tapestrybabe]

its weird...
i've been living with the b/f for
2 years or so. maybe its been 3...
its so hard i feel to keep track now..
but we've been living w/ other roommates as well..
financially, i've been really liking it...
been paying like as little as 200$ for rent
when we were living in the smallest room...
while the other roommates have been paying
most of the cost of the place...
the rent being over like 2 thousand...
not that i think where i live is all that..
it just happens to be a prime location i guess
for those who work in ny...

but anyways, for the most part our roommates
have been asian- japanese, chinese, indian...
we currently have a male chinese roommate whose married.
he actually owns a home with his wife in philly...
he just lives here for the week...
and than travels to see his wife during the weekend...
his wife who also works as well, but i guess
closer to home...

on another occasion we had a chinese female roommate
who was also married. she worked in nyc while her
husband lived in california. he was some student
of some sort who visited here on the east coast
like on thanksgiving... anyways, she ended up moving
out because she landed a job in hong kong.
and while married she ended up moving to hong kong
on her own while the husband stayed in the united states
to finish his schooling...

i guess with having such roommate situations...
it opened my eyes to relationships..
and how it doesnt always end up being so typical...
especially with that chinese female who
went to move to hong kong on her own...
i ended up admiring that...
cuz even tho she was married and had
a husband in the united states...
that didnt stop her...

anyways, at 37 while i'm not married...
but consider myself to be in a long
term relationship...
i guess while we do share some expenses together
i would like to believe i'm still financially
independant. i mean, i have my own job.
earn my own money.
have my own checking/saving account, etc...

i plan on buying a car soon..
and i dont plan on depending on him
to help me pay for it or i dont see us buying
it together.. but i'll be buying it on my own..

i dunno...
i guess sometimes i think
you can still be in a relationship
and not have to lose all your independance...
like i feel if you find the right person...
you can still do those things you desire
and still follow your dreams and aspirations and such...

[mrcfo]

Sorry, I'm a bloke, but here's my 2 cents anyway, cause I kinda find it an interesting.

There's absoluting nothing wrong with women whoare 28 or be it 30+ and single. It's perhaps due to Asian pressure (even in Asia today it's probably not uncommon, but maybe less common to find single ladies above 30) and also the fact that our folks dont quite understand or agree that the liberty to do things and do what we feel comfortable is above any social expectation.

However, turning 28 this year and single myself, OK, I'm a bloke....yes there is internal pressure to find Miss right and start a family some time soon. Not quite ready for babies yet though.

I have a few relatively close female friends (some were exs some were dates who didnt work out) who I regularly contact - there stories appear all but too similar - on one hand, they enjoy the freedom they have attained and financial stability literally built by their own two hands yet they find it difficult to commit and find THE ONE. A common symptom I also find is their woefully high standards, it's as if almost they are finding someone superficially non existant, but of course this isn't in all of them, just probably 8 of the 10 I know of.

I often also see a sharp decline in the social life once you've settled down, heck even now at 28, I can't find those good old summer nights with neither the blokes or mixed groups of friends again. Maybe it's me, but maybe because at 28, I've also seen way and experienced a lot of things I dreamed of in my early 20s that being pissed drunk just does not seem the same anymore. That allure has gone, perhaps the 80% of the people I know are engaged/married/in serious relationships, so there are fewer (if at all) shenanigans we can get up to.

[tapestrybabe]

ermm...
i didnt grow up having asian parents...
so i guess i never felt that asian pressure
to have to find a man, get married, settled down, etc...
in fact, i felt a heck of a lot more peer pressure
to find mr right when i was a teenager, high schooler
when everyone else seemed to be
dating someone at that time, except me...
wow, this feels like a repeat of a previous topic...
but yeah, being in my late 30's...
i feel a lot more happier, content
with life now than when i was in my teens, or heck
or even in my 20's...
it feels nice to be able to finally
find a peaceful place...

anyways, my goal is to buy my own house or condo
by the end of next year...
my bf can live with me and help pay
my mortgage by paying rent...
but i plan on putting the downpayment
on the place and the place will be in my name..

if the boyfriend wants to have his own place...
he's gonna have to buy his own than...

[mrcfo]

ermm...
i didnt grow up having asian parents...
so i guess i never felt that asian pressure
to have to find a man, get married, settled down, etc...
in fact, i felt a heck of a lot more peer pressure
to find mr right when i was a teenager, high schooler
when everyone else seemed to be
dating someone at that time, except me...
wow, this feels like a repeat of a previous topic...
but yeah, being in my late 30's...
i feel a lot more happier, content
with life now than when i was in my teens, or heck
or even in my 20's...
it feels nice to be able to finally
find a peaceful place...

anyways, my goal is to buy my own house or condo
by the end of next year...
my bf can live with me and help pay
my mortgage by paying rent...
but i plan on putting the downpayment
on the place and the place will be in my name..

if the boyfriend wants to have his own place...
he's gonna have to buy his own than...

Hehe I tend to agree with the bolded bit, but with me it's replacing bf with gf LOL cause obviously I dont like blokes.

I think its much more the environment around you. I had a conversation at a farewell for a friend leaving to teach English in Japan....there was three of us - two males and a female. All three of us are in our late 20s .... the other bloke confessed that as he was invited to SOOOO many of his friend's weddings or engagement this year, he feels the pressure himself to tie the knot soon despite only dating for less than a yr.

Thing was, he didnt feel any pressure back when he was with his ex and still in his early to mid 20s...it's the "thing to do" in your late 20s...to get hitched. If you're not fortunate to be in a relationship to get married, you feel left out and not with the "crowd"...

The female friend told her side of the story - she had recently broke up with her bf and the fact that her friends as well were getting married by the week didn't help. She was taking a break in Japan.

Sad to say, but again it's often dictated by the mass of society. Even as a bloke, we feel pressure as well despite no biological bomb attached to our reproductive systems. As a bloke, and by the time you're 28 (I somehow notice how this is more prevalent amongst the elder Asians)...you're often treated as:

* Some kind loser (often behind your back) and especially if their sons or daughters have partners.

* Some kind weirdo and social failure.

* You're gay.

It's also interesting to note when I hung out once with my younger cousin and his gf, I asked if marriage was on the cards, they both replied with a confident "no" and cited that they knew no one who was married amongst their circle of mates.

[AngryABCGirl]

^

LOL you sound like a chic.

[sageb1]

its weird...
i've been living with the b/f for
2 years or so. maybe its been 3...
its so hard i feel to keep track now..

....

[mention of not being married]



after a year together, you are in a common-law marriage.


this means anything bought together is split in half when you break up. this does not include each other's heart. don't mess it up by being acrimonious when you part, ok! :biggrin:

tho i know i sound like a broke record, living together 3 years is like being married, except it's common law.

please enquire about common-law marriage as it looks like you two are meant to be together for the long haul.

oh, and follow your dream, not your rational & logical mind but the infinite possibilities of your heart.

[lingeries name]

"Highly successful women may have more trouble finding Mr. Right,
according to a recent study. "Powerful women are at a distinct
disadvantage in the marriage market," said researcher Stephanie Brown
of the University of Michigan. "Men may prefer to marry
less-accomplished women."

"Brown said this is because men believe women in important jobs are
more likely to cheat."

"Female infidelity is a severe reproductive threat to males only when
(emotional) investment is high," Brown said. "A preference for
subordinate partners may provide adaptive benefits to males in the
context of only long-term, investing relationships -- not one-night
stands."

[plankton]

^
The secret to a happy marriage for men is choosing a wife who is smarter and at least five years younger than you, say UK experts. These pairings are more likely to go the distance, particularly if neither has been divorced in the past, according to the Bath University team. The work is published in the European Journal of Operational Research.

They found that if the wife was five or more years older than her husband, they were more than three times as likely to divorce than if they were the same age. If the age gap is reversed, and the man is older than the woman, the odds of marital bliss are higher.

full article: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/8325579.stm

i dunno all these 'studies' are so ambiguous.

for me it's just common sense. i've been financially independent since i graduate high school. so whether in my teens, 20s, or next phase of life, i've always chosen to be with people that share the same values as me. work hard, play hard. don't moan and bitch about shit. because it all the noise you make doesn't make your life better. go do something about it.

i think the issue for me, is the amount of self-entitlement still prevalent out there in the world.it's like stfu and get over yourself.

sorry, didn't read the first post, so have no idea if i'm off tangent.

[plankton]

being financially independent and all that is fine and dandy. what i think people don't pay enough attention on is the 'internal' independence. you can be succesful, but if you're still batshit crazy insecure, i dunno man.

i work in management consulting, and am surrounded by highly successful women, single, married whatever. i don't think success translates to self-awareness.

[drydem]

ermm...
i didnt grow up having asian parents...
so i guess i never felt that asian pressure
to have to find a man, get married, settled down, etc...
in fact, i felt a heck of a lot more peer pressure
to find mr right when i was a teenager, high schooler
when everyone else seemed to be
dating someone at that time, except me...
wow, this feels like a repeat of a previous topic...
but yeah, being in my late 30's...
i feel a lot more happier, content
with life now than when i was in my teens, or heck
or even in my 20's...
it feels nice to be able to finally
find a peaceful place...

anyways, my goal is to buy my own house or condo
by the end of next year...
my bf can live with me and help pay
my mortgage by paying rent...
but i plan on putting the downpayment
on the place and the place will be in my name..

if the boyfriend wants to have his own place...
he's gonna have to buy his own than...


never buy real estate unless you have a
secure employment AND have decided to stay
in the region for atleast three if not seven years.
Test drive during rush hour - your commute time
from the region you are considering to your
place of employment. If you're vehicle breaks
down - is there a public mass transit option?

If you are planning a family - check on regional
access and cost to child care and how the public
schools rank before you consider buying in a particular
residential area.

If you buy real estate - make the contract contingent
on an independent home inspector (that you have selected)
finding that there are no major problems. Be ready
to renegotiate the contract if you find a major
structural problem, e.g. bad roof, bad plumbing, or
broken appliance.

Check the HOA documents if there are any and check to the
history of the HOA fees with the HOA management.
Has the fees been stable and are they likely to stay
the same or is there a history of rising HOA fees or
a high probably of higher HOA fees in the future. If
the fees are going to rise - ask the HOA management
what are the underlying reasons for the increase in
assessements.

If you get a condo - the higher the floors are going to
provide more privacy and are going to be quieter than
the floors closer to the ground.

For anything other than a single family unit on a
considerable amount of land, the kind of neighbors
will dictate the level of privacy you experience. Neighbors
who belong to a rock band, who have with barking dogs,
or several teenager are likely to be much noisier neighbors.

If the house is next to a commerical zone, e.g. shopping
mall, lumber yard, truck stop, the neighborhood is going
to be a bit noisier and busier. If the house is closier
than a half a mile from a police station, hospital, airport,
heliport, superhighway, railroad, mass transit depot,
or a firehouse you should expect more noise and
less privacy.

[Azn Retribution]

I'm 30, unmarried, and financially independent. Despite any obstacles I may have had to overcome, I love that I'm at a point for awhile now actually when I'm able to pay my own bills, and if necessary, help other people including my family, friends, and donate to people who need help. After recently breaking up with a long-time boyfriend, I'm finding myself back in the dating scene again. At first, it took some adjustment but I think I'm back in the swing of things and making the most out of this opportunity to meet new people and re-evaluate my personal and professional goals. I don't think I'm emotionally ready for children because everytime I pass a crib, I react the opposite of what a lot of women are feeling. A lot of women probably think "aww I wanna a baby..." whereas I thank my lucky stars that I don't have that responsibility yet. lol. Having said that, however, I would like a family one day and would like to share my life with someone who shares similar interests and values as I do. Maybe it's my heightened sense of awareness but I still feel some amount of pressure to get married soon. It could just be in the culture that favorably reinforces people who are in relationships, and some how, a single independent woman starting at age 30, may have some negative associations attached to it. When I was 24, a friend of mine who was a resident physician once told me that "if a girl who is 28 or older doesn't have a boyfriend or a husband, it means something's wrong with her." While I'm sure there's a modicum of truth in that, I realize how immature that statement can be since he's basically generalizing how all women arbitrarily over 28 are either leftover crazy damaged goods that nobody wants. I don't think he realizes how damaging words like that can be on a woman's psyche. Your thoughts?

he's a resident physician and likely doesn't get to have much of a social life and hasn't for most of his twenties. so naturally that'd be his POV.

and right now I'm having one-itis infatuation in this back and forth game with a 30yo independent girl. (and I'm 25.) and for the life of me I can't rationalize my way out of it. so no. 30 isn't really a stigma.

consequently
whether someone is "damaged goods" or whatever. It has nothing to do with her age and more with what she's gone through and how she's coped with it.

anyway
same could apply and be said of guys. however pragmatically speaking. yeah around 30 is the age most people see themselves settling down with a serious relationship. but that doesn't need to be a stigma. for me at least it'd be more of a wakeup call that I'd need to really focus on who/what i want in/out of life.
and given as I do want a family/marriage I'd start actively focusing a whole lot more on connecting with people and screening for the "soul mate"

[drydem]

I'm 30, unmarried, and financially independent. Despite any obstacles I may have had to overcome, I love that I'm at a point for awhile now actually when I'm able to pay my own bills, and if necessary, help other people including my family, friends, and donate to people who need help. After recently breaking up with a long-time boyfriend, I'm finding myself back in the dating scene again. At first, it took some adjustment but I think I'm back in the swing of things and making the most out of this opportunity to meet new people and re-evaluate my personal and professional goals. I don't think I'm emotionally ready for children because everytime I pass a crib, I react the opposite of what a lot of women are feeling. A lot of women probably think "aww I wanna a baby..." whereas I thank my lucky stars that I don't have that responsibility yet. lol. Having said that, however, I would like a family one day and would like to share my life with someone who shares similar interests and values as I do. Maybe it's my heightened sense of awareness but I still feel some amount of pressure to get married soon. It could just be in the culture that favorably reinforces people who are in relationships, and some how, a single independent woman starting at age 30, may have some negative associations attached to it. When I was 24, a friend of mine who was a resident physician once told me that "if a girl who is 28 or older doesn't have a boyfriend or a husband, it means something's wrong with her." While I'm sure there's a modicum of truth in that, I realize how immature that statement can be since he's basically generalizing how all women arbitrarily over 28 are either leftover crazy damaged goods that nobody wants. I don't think he realizes how damaging words like that can be on a woman's psyche. Your thoughts?

I know there is a japanese slang that roughly translates to english as "yesterday's birthday cake" which refer to a unmarried woman over 30. I was told this japanese slang was based on the woman's ability to have and raise a family. I'm not sure if there is also an equivalent chinese, korean, hindu, or southeast asian slang/term for this. However, due to medical advances maybe that age limit should be raised to 45?

It seems to me that such a term pre-suppose that adopting children is out of the question AND that having a family is the only reason to have a serious relationship. One thing that divorce statistics in the USA bears out, is that
having and raising a family is not a strong enough reason to stay married.

Studies I've read indicate while some people say they would marry for money - the standard is pretty high ( it's 1.5 million dollars in assets).

In a Scientific American Mind article that I read recently, it said that family members tend to introduce persons who might be candidates for serious relationship - while co-workers and friends are likely to introduce an unmarried person for casual relationships.

One of the reasons, people marry someone with the same
religious beliefs is that they want someone who has the
same values (albeit this may not be enough either).
People with the same interest and life style for that same
reason often marry - e.g. bikers in love - but again that
may not be enough as well.

The characteristics of long and stable relationships
seem to be mutual respect/admiration and the ability
to communicate. While love and sex would be great
to have it is not a primary characteristic. Having
similar values may make mutual respect easier but
symbotic/complementary values may also work to
create mutual respect or admiration. However, the
key term is mutual - it must go both ways or the
risk of the relationship failing increases.

i was told a couple of weeks ago that i'm suffering from hysterics because i'm over 30 and single.
actually, my aunt's exact words were "watch your health because
old maid hysterics can make you sick" when she learned that i chastised
her son for being irresponsible.


RFLOL -
It sounds like your aunt must be suffering from old maid hysterics. :biggrin:

[mrcfo]

I know there is a japanese slang that roughly translates to english as "yesterday's birthday cake" which refer to a unmarried woman over 30. I was told this japanese slang was based on the woman's ability to have and raise a family. I'm not sure if there is also an equivalent chinese, korean, hindu, or southeast asian slang/term for this. However, due to medical advances maybe that age limit should be raised to 45?

It seems to me that such a term pre-suppose that adopting children is out of the question AND that having a family is the only reason to have a serious relationship. One thing that divorce statistics in the USA bears out, is that
having and raising a family is not a strong enough reason to stay married.

Studies I've read indicate while some people say they would marry for money - the standard is pretty high ( it's 1.5 million dollars in assets).

In a Scientific American Mind article that I read recently, it said that family members tend to introduce persons who might be candidates for serious relationship - while co-workers and friends are likely to introduce an unmarried person for casual relationships.

One of the reasons, people marry someone with the same
religious beliefs is that they want someone who has the
same values (albeit this may not be enough either).
People with the same interest and life style for that same
reason often marry - e.g. bikers in love - but again that
may not be enough as well.

The characteristics of long and stable relationships
seem to be mutual respect/admiration and the ability
to communicate. While love and sex would be great
to have it is not a primary characteristic. Having
similar values may make mutual respect easier but
symbotic/complementary values may also work to
create mutual respect or admiration. However, the
key term is mutual - it must go both ways or the
risk of the relationship failing increases.



RFLOL -
It sounds like your aunt must be suffering from old maid hysterics. :biggrin:

Nerf...it all comes down to peer pressure from both ends.