Not stressing over your ex's "bad" bf

[monkeygone2]

any suggestions that do not involve booze...or phrases that have the words "time", "heal", "fish" & "sea"?

my ex's life looks like shit atm. i'm blaming her new bf and so is her fam.
idk if i should even be this involved. i mean, i'll always love her as a friend, but i may be thinking about her situation way too much (like every hour of every day)...possibly because of my past feelings.

[thaite]

I wish I could help, but I don't ever run into this problem because I don't keep in touch with my exes -- ever.

[kimpossible]

Can we ask what happened or is that a no-no? Sometimes it looks like someone else is to blame when we don't want to see that someone we loved had that potential to make bad decisions all along. Self-helpish pseudo pscyhobabble, perhaps, but it met your requirements and though sincerity and I aren't truly residing on the same plane of existence for the time being, I suspect I actually meant what I'm saying right now.

You're having fantasies of riding to the rescue. Are there any relating factors to why you broke up? Is it abuse or drugs?

[tommyhtown]

Find a slumpbuster.

All kidding aside, tell us more. It usually makes you feels better when you share your feelings with others. It may not help your situation though.

[kimpossible]

How do men counsel one another on this? With girls I think we're mandated to alternate hating the bastard and telling the girl she's better off anyhow on demand.

[cloudzero]

is this your "first thing in the morning" and "last thing at night" kind of girl?

[SunWuKong]

How do men counsel one another on this? With girls I think we're mandated to alternate hating the bastard and telling the girl she's better off anyhow on demand.

get drunk, get high, get laid. (in no particular order)

[monkeygone2]

Find a slumpbuster.

All kidding aside, tell us more. It usually makes you feels better when you share your feelings with others. It may not help your situation though.

thanks, peeps. actually i'd love to spill my guts and reveal everything, because i don't have anyone to confide in (embarrassed). my only fear is that she'll read it. but i havent slept in 48hrs, so i dont give a shit right now.

basically, kimpossible saw it before i typed it. i often make excuses for ex's bad decisions. she's brilliant but has a propensity for getting into trouble.

Is it abuse or drugs?
i have no proof of abuse, but the new bf is controlling. he's keeping her away from fam & has "trust issues", that's all i know. she's been mia. she finally called from a pay phone, yesterday. it seems the new bf flipped when he saw our calls. now he checks her bill.
and--this might be unfair--but she's a doctor and he's a bouncer w/ a criminal record.

You're having fantasies of riding to the rescue.
yes--i'm wondering if that's the case.

[Craig]

^ get her out of your life, it's not healthy for you ...

[kimpossible]

I'm with Craig. If you get involved in a way that enables further drama it allows a person to project blame on an inappropriate target. Easy for me to say because I don't have anything at risk here. What's your plan?

[monkeygone2]

she's not healthy for me, but she was a great friend at one time...her family is 3000 miles away and idk if i can abandon her. she's contacting me, and i feel like i'd be turning my back on her.

my plan's to stay awake and not eat anything until i collapse ha. idk.
i've already screwed up by telling her what to do (something her parents wisely avoided).

[Sunflare]

^ get her out of your life, it's not healthy for you ...

I agree.

[kimpossible]

Get her pregnant. But make sure you have no way of knowing if the baby is yours, new bf or some other mystery sperm.

[Sunflare]

Monkeygone2:

When a romantic relationship is over, that means then it's irrevocably OVER. Hanging on to her like this may cause you nothing more but more emotional stress, heartache, and wasted time and energy, honestly.

But hey then again, who knows if you can meet another sweetheart through your ex or a friend of hers . . . . .

If you think you have the patience to deal with it, then yeah, try to stay friends with her, but if it becomes too much for you, you should for your own sake end the friendship and move on to another adventure with another honey.

Ehhh, I'm telling you nuthin' new you don't know already. But you know the deal.

get drunk, get high, get laid. (in no particular order)

Props !!!! *high five*

[Kennyb]

They're an ex for a reason... Get over it.

[Arex]

Unless you set her up with the guy, you should definitely not be losing sleep over her being in a bad situation. You can remain a friend and give her advice, assuming she wants it, but she's the only one with any real power to change her situation, so why should you sweat it if she chooses to remain in it? That's her problem, not yours. And don't let it become your problem either because she keeps crying to you to support her while she persists in her bad relationship. At a certain point, you'll have to draw the line and tell her that you don't want to hear about it anymore.

[Sunflare]

^ Exactly my thoughts.

I think an appropriate critically honest response to the OP from a lady is in order. It would be good.

[Sunflare]

Monkeygone2, I'm sure you have many female friends in your personal life who can help you alot to gain the right perspective on your romantic dilemma. Look for their advice on this too, as well as from the guys. You will be surprised at how much you can learn about handling LTRs and breakups from other females who you are close with.

[tommyhtown]

I don't know the ins and outs. But if you can't stand your ex' getting hurt (physically) or abused then help her. I don't even know that's the case.

It's easier to say 'walk away' than actually do it especially when you care about someone. Having said that, I just want to add that it's also OK to walk way also because you have to look out your happiness and your well being first.

[didu]

my ex's life looks like shit atm. i'm blaming her new bf and so is her fam.
idk if i should even be this involved. i mean, i'll always love her as a friend, but i may be thinking about her situation way too much (like every hour of every day)...possibly because of my past feelings.

how is your ex's shit life your problem?

[applehead]

well, it's easy to say, forget about her.
why should you be worried. blah blah blah.
but honestly, i think you'd go more crazy if you didn't know what was
going on in her life.

i think this is a no win situation.

unless!

you fall in love, head-over-heels, in love with someone incredibly incredible

[monkeygone2]

unless!

you fall in love
you mean, when both parties put forth equal effort and it's crazy good? i've never had that. you must tell me what that's like.

everyone's been great btw. i'm such a punkass

[monkeygone2]

lmao! kim, put your comment back up

[applehead]

you mean, when both parties put forth equal effort and it's crazy good? i've never had that. you must tell me what that's like.

everyone's been great btw. i'm such a punkass

oh. i've only had "crazy good" once in my life.
and that was over 10 years ago.
i guess we're on the same boat, j!:redface:

[kimpossible]

= first date.

[halfbreed007]

I had a friend that was in the same boat as you, had a female friend that was in a questionable relationship and got involved. Needless to say it did not turn out so well for him, got himself involved an a really bad situation.

With my experiences with over controlling BFs is if another guy gets involved it only makes it worst for the girl. If she is not willing to help herself get out of the relationship, then you are wasting your time.
And the fact that you are losing sleep and not eating is not a good thing, your losing sleep and worrying about her while most likely you ex sleeps fine and knows that she has a guy that is willing to help her out of anything, just waiting for the call to come and rescue her.

You say that you’re blaming the new BF….. Why are you blaming him?????? He is being who he is ……. The fault lies with the person who is letting it happen; your ex is allowing him to step all over her by keeping her away and out of contact with her family. And now she has involved you in her problems. She chooses to be with him … and if she didn’t know what kind of guy he was at first…. she dose now ……. So why does she not get out of a relationship that could turn out badly for her.

Everyone has an option in what they do with there life and relationships that’s there choice, your ex has made a choice; now it’s up to her rather she wants out or not. Her running to you is only going to make thing worst for you and her.

Help if you can but don’t put your happiness on the line for someone else ^_^.
I learned that lesson a long time ago.

[mrazntre]

I had a friend that was in the same boat as you, had a female friend that was in a questionable relationship and got involved. Needless to say it did not turn out so well for him, got himself involved an a really bad situation.

With my experiences with over controlling BFs is if another guy gets involved it only makes it worst for the girl. If she is not willing to help herself get out of the relationship, then you are wasting your time.
And the fact that you are losing sleep and not eating is not a good thing, your losing sleep and worrying about her while most likely you ex sleeps fine and knows that she has a guy that is willing to help her out of anything, just waiting for the call to come and rescue her.

You say that you’re blaming the new BF….. Why are you blaming him?????? He is being who he is ……. The fault lies with the person who is letting it happen; your ex is allowing him to step all over her by keeping her away and out of contact with her family. And now she has involved you in her problems. She chooses to be with him … and if she didn’t know what kind of guy he was at first…. she dose now ……. So why does she not get out of a relationship that could turn out badly for her.

Everyone has an option in what they do with there life and relationships that’s there choice, your ex has made a choice; now it’s up to her rather she wants out or not. Her running to you is only going to make thing worst for you and her.

Help if you can but don’t put your happiness on the line for someone else ^_^.
I learned that lesson a long time ago.

Good answer.

In plain english: The girl made the choice to be with the new boy and she can make the choice not to be with him. She stays because she chooses to, not because the new boy is making her stay.

My opinion: You care and want to help, but guess what? You're the sucker crutch. You'll be discarded as soon as you're not needed anymore. Watch your back.

[Sunflare]

everyone's been great btw. i'm such a punkass

We've discussed this before but you are not a punkass just because you were hurt from a relationship. It's only a natural feeling, and it looks like you got over the feelings by now.

I'm not trying to get into your sex life, none of my business, but how is it going lately?

[contra_diction]

monkeygone2!

I completely disagree with everybody that says you should look out for yourself only.

Where is it written that an ex cannot remain a friend? An ex is more likely to end up being your best friend than anybody else. This person knows you in and out, but it just doesn't work romantically. And with this in mind, what kind of person does that make you to turn your back on a friend? Aside from that, clearly you must be close to the girl if you're so torn up about the abusive relationship she's ended up in. Maybe she's the one alienating her family because she's ashamed. Whatever the case, she's turned to you for help, the one person she can trust. A real friend.

You're not a punkass, but don't become one by letting someone you care about devalue herself in such a way.

To everyone else that says you have to look out for your own happiness, shame on you. There's nothing wrong with selflessness.

[halfbreed007]

monkeygone2!

I completely disagree with everybody that says you should look out for yourself only.

Where is it written that an ex cannot remain a friend? An ex is more likely to end up being your best friend than anybody else. This person knows you in and out, but it just doesn't work romantically. And with this in mind, what kind of person does that make you to turn your back on a friend? Aside from that, clearly you must be close to the girl if you're so torn up about the abusive relationship she's ended up in. Maybe she's the one alienating her family because she's ashamed. Whatever the case, she's turned to you for help, the one person she can trust. A real friend.

You're not a punkass, but don't become one by letting someone you care about devalue herself in such a way.

To everyone else that says you have to look out for your own happiness, shame on you. There's nothing wrong with selflessness.

There is nothing wrong with being selfless nor would you be a punkass for being selfless, but there is a limit.

One thing that I hate is a person who can’t help themselves out of a situation, but depends on other to do it for them.
I said help if you can, but if your putting in more effort to help that person and the other person is not trying to put in the same amount of effort then you’re in a losing battle.

Only because I have been in that situation, I learned the hard way that if someone does not put in the work to help there own situation then no matter the amount of help and or support it will mean nothing.

Do want you can to help a person out ….. But it will all amount to nothing if the person you’re trying to help does not put in the work to help themselves.

Yes, you may care about the person, but there is only so much one person can take.
I’m just saying that if your losing sleep not eating due to someone who you may care about and you’re trying your hardest to help them, but if you see that they are not putting in the same amount of effort; then what is the point in helping.
Especially if there just going to go running back to that bad situation.

You’re just making yourself unhappy in the end.

[sageb1]

thanks, peeps. actually i'd love to spill my guts and reveal everything, because i don't have anyone to confide in (embarrassed). my only fear is that she'll read it. but i havent slept in 48hrs, so i dont give a shit right now.

basically, kimpossible saw it before i typed it. i often make excuses for ex's bad decisions. she's brilliant but has a propensity for getting into trouble.


i have no proof of abuse, but the new bf is controlling. he's keeping her away from fam & has "trust issues", that's all i know. she's been mia. she finally called from a pay phone, yesterday. it seems the new bf flipped when he saw our calls. now he checks her bill.
and--this might be unfair--but she's a doctor and he's a bouncer w/ a criminal record.


yes--i'm wondering if that's the case.

how does a respectable doctor hook up with a bouncer with a criminal record?

does she have a drinking "problem" and go to clubs? if so, she's slumming.

doctors go to bars.

and if you say this bar has bouncers, no bar needs bouncers.

i still can't believe a doctor can't choose a respectable mate rather than a bouncer who's this close to being a two-bit hood.

hopefully she isn't providing him with oxycodin and other narcotics.

[monkeygone2]

^ i'm gonna tell that guy he can get his cat tranquilizers from somewhere else. for reals yo.

[Sunflare]

I still think that you should let the girl go and forget about her. From your posts, it seems you haven't exactly got over it as of yet. Understandable. There is only one time I can recall ever truly falling in love with a woman, and when the breakup happened, I think my head was pretty screwed up for months.

But I realized that it is not worth it to continue in a friendship with a girl that does'nt love you anymore. Let alone continue to think about her and torment yourself. She can take care of herself. Meanwhile you have your OWN problems to worry about. Seriously, there are many women out there, who meet your preference, that you can meet and find chemistry with.

So why cling on to a person that will cause you nothing more then anguish and torment? Is it worth it? I'll let you answer that question.

[sean_ubbs12]

That's her problem, not yours. And don't let it become your problem either because she keeps crying to you to support her while she persists in her bad relationship. At a certain point, you'll have to draw the line and tell her that you don't want to hear about it anymore.

[Sunflare]

^ Don't bother. There's no hope for this dude.

[monkeygone2]

^ Don't bother. There's no hope for this dude.

Sunflare, check your messages on 2-04-09.

*You will find an email where I tell you it's all good.

*You will find an email where you tell me a story of two incidents where you say you've done the same thing. Twice.

Guess this is just fallout from:

(NOT WORK SAFE)http://forums.yellowworld.org/showthread.php?t=36555

[Sunflare]

It's too bad our 'friendship' deteriorated to this crazyness

Oh the emails.:

Sunflare, check your messages on 2-04-09.

*You will find an email where I tell you it's all good.

*You will find an email where you tell me a story of two incidents where you say you've done the same thing. Twice.

Guess this is just fallout from:

(NOT WORK SAFE)http://forums.yellowworld.org/showthread.php?t=36555

As a recap, (it's well documented in the Hello Hapas sub-forum) I was on a dating spree with 2 women, (really three because this white chick was interested in me too) as I was relating to you on the emails. Tommyhtown was advising me NOT to date two women in the same social circle, as were my non-Asian friends in another social circle, but I did'nt listen and it ended up in a crazy mess. Last time I deal with high profile chicks for a long time.

I just go for decent nice non-Asian girls now without the drama. For now. Maybe later I'll go back to dating Asian again. Right now on the real I needed a break. You know Asian girls are tough as nails and can take you for a ride and a big time mental trip. Love them regardless. My sisters.

Were good now. That was why I fought hard to stop the flaming that you was doing, fucking first with Asian Playboy, and then William Lee in their threads in this Men's sub-forum. We've talked. He has a a student in THAT social circle and I'm cool with him.

http://forums.yellowworld.org/showthread.php?t=36388

http://forums.yellowworld.org/showthread.php?t=36503

You know all of this beef because of some other angry angry Asian dudes and gossiping girls who don't like seeing non-white hapas date Asian. That's how it goes. I totally forgot about all this until after a while after i saw the above post.

Oh another email, you had the hots for a hapa chick who was posting on this forum who deez nuts (super mod) was trying to cockblock you to get the girl for himself, knowing the PUA stud he is. Our emails was in an elaborate plan to cockblock him so you can go for yours with the hottie. Remember? AND IT WORKED!!!

Those were the days. Crazy. LOL.

Well look, back on topic: My point is this for the entire duration of the thread here --

Once I end a relationship with a girl, IT IS IRREVOCABLY OVER. DONE. FINISHED.

I don't go out freaking them out stalking them, clinging on to them, like you were/are/perhaps /apparently/mabye/maybe not doing here. I was trying to tell you that in a nice way but now your flaming me over an ABCs of Attraction fucking Bootcamp and a social group. Over something that I did not start. That was where the grudge started. That you and other ppl started.



That was what I was trying to tell you all along. Out of concern. But to no avail.

Enough of these games monkeygone2. I suggest you drop this, let's shake hands and be cool with one another. This infighting on the forum is really not worth it. I'm BEEN tired of it and I'm sure you are too.

For months.

You can express your final thoughts on this discussion and have your last piece if you wish. I'm tired of discussing this. This is starting to look like the ongoing spat with j&j2 and snailpoo from another forum carried over to this APA forum.

And I'm the snailpoo in this case.

[j&j2]

^ If you actually had the FACTS to back you up - you'd be me.

Otoh, if you continued to bring up the same red-herring, erroneous arguments/conclusions...

[Sunflare]

^ And the FACT is, as I was saying probably for eons by now, is that clinging on to a girl is creepy like heck to the girl. Not to mention that it is a waste of time for the guy anyway clinging on to a girl who is dating someone else. I wonder if he realizes that the new guy she is dating is creeped out by that too?

I think he realizes this now..

.. Everyone gave him plenty of advice along this same line of thought, but again for emphasis, sometimes a man just has to let things go. In the case with the girl and yeah in the case with our fewd we are having. This very basic fundamental applies in both cases.

Saying this for your own good monkeygone2.

Notice my link to your thread in my sig is gone. I'm trying to work with ya here. I don't hold grudges.

Final thoughts?

[mrcfo]

^ And the FACT is, as I was saying probably for eons by now, is that clinging on to a girl is creepy like heck to the girl. Not to mention that it is a waste of time for the guy anyway clinging on to a girl who is dating someone else. I wonder if he realizes that the new guy she is dating is creeped out by that too?

I think he realizes this now..

.. Everyone gave him plenty of advice along this same line of thought, but again for emphasis, sometimes a man just has to let things go. In the case with the girl and yeah in the case with our fewd we are having. This very basic fundamental applies in both cases.

Saying this for your own good monkeygone2.

Notice my link to your thread in my sig is gone. I'm trying to work with ya here. I don't hold grudges.

Final thoughts?

To be pretty darn honest with you, I never truly let go of an ex for about 1.5 years. It was because at the time, the relationship was BLISS, love at first sight if you may.

I did the rebound thingy but it never worked, it all seemed like hell to me. I kept comparing every new woman to the ex, as if she was some kinda goddess or something. It cost me friends, and pontetial gfs and friendships because I sounded like a bitter doode who just couldnt hack it his then ex gf was flying a whole world away for 2 years.

I didnt believe it at the time, but TIME does heal and you move on. I'm not sure how I moved on, I guess concentrating on those damn hard CPA exams kept me out of trouble and moreover, when I had a clearer head and healed over time, I found women who to me were superior to her in many ways.

[Sunflare]

I didnt believe it at the time, but TIME does heal and you move on. I'm not sure how I moved on, I guess concentrating on those damn hard CPA exams kept me out of trouble and moreover, when I had a clearer head and healed over time, I found women who to me were superior to her in many ways.

Yes, good point and I understand, time is a great healer, and yeah, on the real, I would think monkeygone2 healed from that breakup with the girl he loved and is moving on now.

As for you, props. That's it. Love is a paradox. Love hurts. This is why in my opinion, we have to be careful about becoming too attached to ladies we date. I learned the quality of self sufficiency, so I can get rejected like a million times and it's all good, I keep on trying. I don't take a girl who rejects me personally. Or take it to heart. It's not worth it.


Now if only if monkeygone2 would let our 'grudge' go and heal from that . . . .

[monkeygone2]

Oh another email, you had the hots for a hapa chick who was posting on this forum who deez nuts (super mod) was trying to cockblock you to get the girl for himself, knowing the PUA stud he is. Our emails was in an elaborate plan to cockblock him so you can go for yours with the hottie. Remember? AND IT WORKED!!!

Those were the days. Crazy. LOL.



The other stuff, I didn't read, but...

LOL I really have no clue what you're talking about.

I do remember that this was a time when a mod asked me to talk to you as a favor. (Btw, thanks a lot *name withheld*)

[Sunflare]

The other stuff, I didn't read, but...

LOL I really have no clue what you're talking about.


Liar!!! :biggrin:

HaHa. OK, understood, but u know exactly who I'm talking about with the female user ****** ***** (It's even in an archived thread here in the *** & ***** sub-forum that a particular mod named **** **** was assigned to, somewhere . . . .), but I'll keep it on the hush hush as promised when we had that our email chat over that girl. :wink:

Send me a PM if you want me to jog ur memory on the girl you was kicking it to.

[sys83]

From personal experience...best way to get over this is to find someone else. Try dating someone different from your ex though. Any type that doesn't remind you of your ex!

[mrcfo]

From personal experience...best way to get over this is to find someone else. Try dating someone different from your ex though. Any type that doesn't remind you of your ex!

LOL, what I found was that ever since gf number 1, I've always dated the same/similar sort.

[sys83]

LOL, what I found was that ever since gf number 1, I've always dated the same/similar sort.

Yes! And so did I...for a while. After a failed relationship, all I did was look for another woman that resembled or had similar personality as my ex. That wasn't healthy to say the least.

But dating outside your comfort zone is the best way to getting over your ex, IMO.