Did your parents prepare you?

[AngryABCGirl]

Inspired from the thread in Hello Hapas:

Many of our parents were immigrants hoping for a better life in the US from one avenue or another. Did they prepare you for life as an Asian American? For racism? For struggles with identity? Etc?

What would you different with your children?

I'm interested to see how our parents raised us configured in how we look at ourselves today. I'll post later; I'm too tired to do it right now.

[eos]

hell no i wasn't prepared. i wasn't prepared when stupid racist white kids would yell out chink or throw eggs at the house or our car. it didn't help that i went to an all-chinese catholic school in chinatown, with fobs everywhere. there were still some italian holdovers from back when chinatown was little italy,hispanics, and obnoxious little black kids from the projects (IN chinatown and around) coming in to pick on us. my parents never sat us down and explained what racism was. we just had to deal with it. the boys would fight and the girls would just take it.

i learned about identity when i went to hs. faced with a myriad of races and cultures, i felt i had to stand out. i became proud of who i was, started listening to chinese music, watching movies, etc.

my grandmas were probably the only ones who pressed culture onto me, using chopsticks, eating the food, learning and speaking in chinese...i actually would like my grandma to raise my kids because my mom is too americanized.

[Dimeron]

Inspired from the thread in Hello Hapas:

Many of our parents were immigrants hoping for a better life in the US from one avenue or another. Did they prepare you for life as an Asian American? For racism? For struggles with identity? Etc?

What would you different with your children?

I'm interested to see how our parents raised us configured in how we look at ourselves today. I'll post later; I'm too tired to do it right now.

They told me that as an Asian, even if I speak fluent English and has completely assimilated into the (western) culture, I must simply be better than than the other guy for whatever I might do to have an equal chance.

I found this to be true for the most part, especially when it comes to socialization, work, and education.

Of course, they also knew about racism, and told me to just take it and not fight back like a good model minority. I followed this advice when I was younger and man do I regret it now.

And yea, they have no clue about identity issues that we 1.5 and 2nd gens have to face.

[cloudzero]

When I was younger, I was ashamed of having a Chinese name and also wished I was taller. I learned that Asians live longer because of our smaller bodies. I also realized that white people in Asian never get Asian names to fit in and for Asians to be able to pronounce it. I also realize that my parents know almost everything there is to know on how to live healthy as I see white people on TV struggling against diabetes and obesity. Watching Nanny 911 made me appreciate the stick, although I wished they stopped around age 7 instead of 12. Americans spend millions more on diapers as Asians just hold babies over the toilets and whistle.

As far as identity and copping with racism, I had to struggle through it with friends, because the 1st gen parents could not have seen these things coming.

As I grew up I began to like the culture-traditions more and more. Now I'm ashamed that I was ever ashamed. I feel fortunate to be as involved with my background as I am, which is not very.

I wouldn't change anything they did with me but I would add on to it with the new issues with my children. This is not realistic because I don't think I can pick up all the things that make up the 1st gen culture and I will miss a lot of things. However, even the idea of children is frightening considering the world they are brought into and the stereotypes they may grow into. It's sad to think that future generations will be ripping boxes under a Christmas tree and not passing around red envelops and lighting incense. So much benificial knowledge will be lost and all that will be left is traces of our blood that run through their veins.

Yes, TMI

[buttermilkwise]

I was definitely prepared, although in a much more different way because of the weird dichotomy of my parents, father was the lesson and my mother of all people became a spiritual teacher, founded a center and became the leader of a religous community. Having my mom's wisdom as a guide was indispensable in revealing my delusions about the phenomenal world, but the veracity of my own experiences made me realize the rabbit hole goes down much deeper than you can possibly imagine when it comes to identity and the roles we play in our current lives.

[Banana]

Despite growing and living in a town that was 95% white, I faced little blatant racism. When I did, my parents pretty much went along the route of "they're idiots. Ignore them and turn the other cheek."

I love my parents and they have always offered great advice and suggestions but that has to be one of the worst ideas in the history of bad ideas.

That and "hard work pays off."

[cloudzero]

That and "hard work pays off."

its better than white parents gassing up their kids heads and raise them to be arrogant and conceited.

[enzoeva]

F@%$ no!


I was going to rant about my life growing up, but it's pretty much similar to the experiences of asians growing up on the east coast/south, and its called RACISM!

[eos]

i wish my parents sent me back to hk for school.

[tripostrophe]

model minority mentality
"sticks and stones may break my bones" thinking as well.

basically what everyone else has been saying.

My quick-fix solution will be to move to Hawaii, then back to the mainland...or maybe the other way around. Seems better that way, so any self-hate they learn will be more likely to be unlearned once they're in the majority...maybe? This is probably a fairly short-sighted solution.

[huangalex]

They told me to ignore the taunting and names, but didn't prepare me for the subtler forms like never fitting in or getting parts in the school play, etc.

I wasn't prepared to have my life literally scripted by model minority. Like how those round Japanese watermelons grow square if they're put in cubes.

[cloudzero]

model minority mentality
"sticks and stones may break my bones" thinking as well.

basically what everyone else has been saying.

My quick-fix solution will be to move to Hawaii, then back to the mainland...or maybe the other way around. Seems better that way, so any self-hate they learn will be more likely to be unlearned once they're in the majority...maybe? This is probably a fairly short-sighted solution.

go back? NEVER!!!!
Don't forget our mission !
http://forums.yellowworld.org/showthread.php?t=32877

[SunWuKong]

i wish my parents sent me back to hk for school.

what, for high school? or elementary school?

secondary school in HK means that you spend 5 years preparing for 會考, which is a standardised test you take at Form 5. it's basically a series of SAT II tests on steroids.

primary school in HK means you spend your time memorising shit. but they're good at teaching math though.

[Yeahman]

Actually my parents had more trouble dealing with me hanging out with too many Koreans. They left Korea for a reason and I was living like I was still in Korea which, for them, meant that I was picking up all the bad habits.

[shoshite1]

I havent experienced any blatant racism in cali so far lol.

[AngryABCGirl]

I have time to expand on this now:

In some ways and in some ways no.

I don't think first gen parents are ever fully aware of what their kids will experience. My parents aren't really into the model minority thing of turning the other cheek- although this has a lot to do with them being hot-blooded people themselves. Plus my parents and me were lucky enough to have the tall big muscle genes so it's not like they or I didn't have trouble slapping around people on the playground or in life and remains so to this day. They also encouraged me to always speak out and be politically active, something I really really thank them for because I would have never gone down any of the paths doing community work I had without that. I think they were hoping for a politician but they got non-profit type person instead.

I grew up and lived in a Chinatown so what I encountered was more subtle racism and institutionalized racism, inter-ethnic conflict between other people of color, and gangs- something my parents didn't know to expect or offer solutions for. I didn't really encounter the whole not fitting in thing when I was younger because everyone looked like me and talked like me. Gangs of Asian kids use to actually beat up White people high schools in my area for looking at people wrong. My parents also really emphasized Chinese nationalist ideals in me and a lot of my peers had a similar upbringing, rather than being encouraged to carve out our own spaces and identity. I don't think they ever really understood the amount of temptation and choices Asian American kids in urban areas had or the mindfield we had to negotiate between White teachers in school who resented demographic change, inter-ethnic conflict between ethnic groups, and the easy access to drugs and other illicit activities.

I was in junior high and early high school at what was probably the height of the AzN, raver, and fixed up car scene before Fast and Furious came out and made it not cool anymore. I think we were trying to rebel from the Whitewash model minority box the schools and from the the good Asian son and daughter roles in our private lives.

I was still making ok grades in school so my parents didn't really know what to do and it seemed alright because I was goal-oriented. When I finally spent some time being an actual minority for a brief stretch in an elite East Coast boarding school, it was kind of a shock the shit elite White people think they can get away with. I saw a lot of Asian kids and getting picked on and disrespected, being teased and cut in line and shit, and them just taking it. I was straight up out of LA with this wholestraight up azn ghetto thug thing then, a babyface with arms of steed, the banana, big jacket, baggy pants, dyed blond streak and scared the crap out of East Coast preppy White people who were use to seeing nerdy model minority Asians I guess. I admit I was a clueless little punk, but at least then I knew how Asians shouldn't be treated and saw whole other side of the Asian American experience in the people I met. I think I wouldn't be able begin to understand to a lot of people, including a lot of people on YW, if I didn't have this experience.

I'll didn't confront anything with the class I can now- something I learned from role models and mentors, mostly Asian American professors and older students when I went to college. My parents kind of just taught me not to take shit and I played hardball, but I don't think I could have been as dignified as I am capable. I'd rather outsmart someone with words than throw shit at them if I don't have to.

My parents thought I was just uncouth and wanted me to learn how to get along with mainstream America at large when I'd never really been in close contact with it. I was kind of like "fuck the system man."

They didn't understand why I adopted then a fledging and now what I call Asian American political identity and got along better with other Asians and people of color in college for a long time with only a few White friends, even though their own only non-Chinese friends are Korean, Black, and Mexican people, but I think they get it more now since I'm better at explaining things because I'm older and it's a reality.

In many ways I think they might kind of regret instilling all the Asia is great mentality into me because I want to stay and work here now and now they don't want to leave the US.

If anything I learned about it from all this with my kids though is to tell them: "Don't hang out with punks." But seriously, if my future children (oh god that's frightening) are born and raised in America I think I will know what to do innately and respect their biculturalism- although if I am financially able I would like to send them to a few years of school in Asia for language purposes. I don't really care if they aren't like authentic Taiwanese people culturally (and who knows, many I'll marry a hot Cantonese or Korean man) as long as they're not spoiled dipshits who act like ignorant gringos.

[Paradox]

Unfortunately my parents didn't have a clue as to how things were in the U.S. I don't blame them at all because they struggled financially when I was young. My parents also had a very rocky marriage and at one point they almost divorced. My dad's role in my life was pretty much non existant because he was busy trying to run a business. My mom was pretty out of touch with life in the U.S. but she did the best she could.

It was pretty damn hard growing up relatively poor in a mostly white school in the south. Racism there was nearly universal but usually only black vs white issues were addressed at the time. As one of the ONLY asian-americans in the school I used to get into fights quite a bit but I had my circle of friends who were generally open minded so I wasn't a massive loner or anything. Things didn't change for me until I went to high school in California. Then race became completely irrelevant because the high school I went to was like 50% asian / 40% hispanic and 10% (other) Looking back on it now I think my earlier school experiences did effect my self-esteem somewhat in high school even though the environment changed.

My sisters and cousins experienced much of the same things I did growing up. I think it definitely made most of us more determined to succeed as a result. Out of my entire family all of us have done pretty well in life so I guess the best revenge is living well.

[Paradox]

The funny thing is almost all of us have gradually reintegrated ourselves into the asian community in one way or another. Two of my cousins who came to the U.S. around high school as Taiwanese fobs moved to Hawaii and found high paying jobs there. It's nearly all asian-americans where they live so they fit in comfortably now. Another cousin I grew up with ended up marrying a Taiwanese girl who was here on exchange at his university. He's also surrounded himself with mostly asian-american friends and people from the Taiwanese community.

[Adaon]

I havent experienced any blatant racism in cali so far lol.

Wait for it. It happens more often than ya think, and I've had plenty in my 25 yrs here. (Not like I spent much time elsewhere, but oh well.)

My parents tried to prepare me as best they could, but I'm of the sort that has to experience a lot first hand before I can really understand situations.

As much as my parents tried to prepare me in dealing with other ethnicities, it usually came from a narrow point of view, that as Chinese, we can endure a lot for the sake of family and pride.

With that in mind, there wasn't a lot of emotional or psychological support, directly. No conversations about things beyond school and the "status" of friends and family, and how our status was in comparison.

Feeling myself out as an individual came from being exposed to my friends at school and church, and just litmus testing what worked for me and what didn't and what didn't work after a while. The disappointments along the way (or as my mom likes to call them, the broken heart moments) either from friends or family or even strangers helped as much to define me as the happy/content moments of my life and everything in between.

Life isn't a spectator sport, and a lot of times, my parents' CURRENT conservative (they were pretty gung-ho about "experiencing" everything too) perspective clashed with my perceptions. My sibs stuck it safer with mom and dad's outlook with people and such, and they're where they're at in their lives for it.

I can't say I'm totally ecstatic with where I am in life, but I can say I'm content for now. Heh. And I'm here because my parents helped me in some way, shape or form; though the aid did not always come in the way, shape or form I desired at the time, it was usually what I needed to get by at the time.

I do recognize in my parents, though, that it's hard to raise kids in America, especially coming from a different society and upbringing. And sometimes they looked at some aspects of our (my sibs & I) development as luxuries that could not be afford to the family as a whole. But we're all sane (relatively) and productive (for the most part) contributors to society.

[huangalex]

I'm a 2 gen but my first language was Mandarin. I didn't learn English until the first few days of elementary school when, to my shock, I didn't understand what the hell anyone was saying. Growing up I actually encountered a lot of subtle things that I didn't notice until I picked up this identity. I thought people looked at me weird because I got the best grades. Like a dope I thought that reading Western philosophy and having a good vocabulary would cancel out my "asian" and make me a member of the liberal intelligentsia.