kasia
05-02-2003, 01:40 PM
This is to inform you that Asian Pacific American Heritage Month commences
on May 1, 2003, and will continue through May 31, 2003.
During this time, all programming on network television will feature Asian Americans. Comedy and drama shows will proceed as usual, except all cast members will be replaced by Asian Americans. Any supporting cast members of other ethnicities will be used for comic effect, and their ethnicity will be pivotal to their roles. CBS’ new comedy, “Crazy Love,” will feature an Asian American family that decides to adopt a European American baby girl. The writers will attempt to sensitively address such questions as “Why on earth would you want a White baby?”
News broadcasts, however, will have a slightly different format. There will be an Asian American male talking head, paired with a European American female. This pairing will be mandatory on all major stations. European American women are less threatening and more generally acceptable to the public than European American men. Plus they’re so gosh-darn cute.
The media will reflect the importance of the contributions of Asian Pacific Americans. Not only will stories prominently feature Asian Pacific Americans, but they will be cast in the role of the everyday American.
The president will be replaced by an Asian Pacific American. I haven’t decided who that might be yet, but Frank Wu is currently the frontrunner. Another possible choice would be my mother. She’s slightly younger than Ronald Reagan and is way sharper than her sweet-little-old-lady façade would seem to indicate. If nothing else, my mother would end the war and balance the budget.
Bookstores will feature the writings of Maxine Hong Kingston, Frank Wu, Carlos Bulosan, Garrett Hongo, David Henry Hwang, Gish Jen, Bharati Mukherjee and other Asian Pacific Americans. The bookstores will also grudgingly carry a few copies of Amy Tan’s works in recognition of popular demand. All other books will be relegated to five shelves. The two shelves marked “European American Interest” will contain works by such diverse authors as Steven King, William Shakespeare, John Muir, Annie Proulx, Danielle Steele and Arthur C. Clarke. Side by side.
Restaurants and grocery stores will be the Asian gourmand’s delight. Bulgogi, pho, kimchee, sushi, dim sum … these will all be readily available anywhere. Hamburgers? Catsup? Fortune cookies? You’ll have to go to a specialty market or restaurant. If you choose to eat non-Asian cuisine, people in the immediate vicinity will sniff the air and ask, “What is that SMELL?” Starbucks will commence to serve green tea (if it doesn’t already).
Please note that sugar will not be provided for your tea. In fact, sugaring your tea will be considered a faux pas.
Asian Pacific Americans will be broadly represented in all disciplines in universities and graduate schools across the nation. And no longer will European Americans with lower grades and test scores be admitted at the expense of APAs. This is a meritocracy, after all. No more of these legacy admits. “The Bell Curve” will be amended to acknowledge the widely-known racial superiority of the yellow people.
In recognition of their high levels of education, the glass ceiling will be ceremoniously shattered and Asian Pacific Americans will be promoted into
management positions and will receive salaries commensurate with their experience and education.
During this month, please note that clothing from Abercrombie and Fitch as well as American Eagle Outfitters is expressly forbidden.
Oh, and please take your shoes off when you come in. Thank you.
On June 1, 2003, we will return to the same old shit. Enjoy the month of May.
--AR Sakaeda
on May 1, 2003, and will continue through May 31, 2003.
During this time, all programming on network television will feature Asian Americans. Comedy and drama shows will proceed as usual, except all cast members will be replaced by Asian Americans. Any supporting cast members of other ethnicities will be used for comic effect, and their ethnicity will be pivotal to their roles. CBS’ new comedy, “Crazy Love,” will feature an Asian American family that decides to adopt a European American baby girl. The writers will attempt to sensitively address such questions as “Why on earth would you want a White baby?”
News broadcasts, however, will have a slightly different format. There will be an Asian American male talking head, paired with a European American female. This pairing will be mandatory on all major stations. European American women are less threatening and more generally acceptable to the public than European American men. Plus they’re so gosh-darn cute.
The media will reflect the importance of the contributions of Asian Pacific Americans. Not only will stories prominently feature Asian Pacific Americans, but they will be cast in the role of the everyday American.
The president will be replaced by an Asian Pacific American. I haven’t decided who that might be yet, but Frank Wu is currently the frontrunner. Another possible choice would be my mother. She’s slightly younger than Ronald Reagan and is way sharper than her sweet-little-old-lady façade would seem to indicate. If nothing else, my mother would end the war and balance the budget.
Bookstores will feature the writings of Maxine Hong Kingston, Frank Wu, Carlos Bulosan, Garrett Hongo, David Henry Hwang, Gish Jen, Bharati Mukherjee and other Asian Pacific Americans. The bookstores will also grudgingly carry a few copies of Amy Tan’s works in recognition of popular demand. All other books will be relegated to five shelves. The two shelves marked “European American Interest” will contain works by such diverse authors as Steven King, William Shakespeare, John Muir, Annie Proulx, Danielle Steele and Arthur C. Clarke. Side by side.
Restaurants and grocery stores will be the Asian gourmand’s delight. Bulgogi, pho, kimchee, sushi, dim sum … these will all be readily available anywhere. Hamburgers? Catsup? Fortune cookies? You’ll have to go to a specialty market or restaurant. If you choose to eat non-Asian cuisine, people in the immediate vicinity will sniff the air and ask, “What is that SMELL?” Starbucks will commence to serve green tea (if it doesn’t already).
Please note that sugar will not be provided for your tea. In fact, sugaring your tea will be considered a faux pas.
Asian Pacific Americans will be broadly represented in all disciplines in universities and graduate schools across the nation. And no longer will European Americans with lower grades and test scores be admitted at the expense of APAs. This is a meritocracy, after all. No more of these legacy admits. “The Bell Curve” will be amended to acknowledge the widely-known racial superiority of the yellow people.
In recognition of their high levels of education, the glass ceiling will be ceremoniously shattered and Asian Pacific Americans will be promoted into
management positions and will receive salaries commensurate with their experience and education.
During this month, please note that clothing from Abercrombie and Fitch as well as American Eagle Outfitters is expressly forbidden.
Oh, and please take your shoes off when you come in. Thank you.
On June 1, 2003, we will return to the same old shit. Enjoy the month of May.
--AR Sakaeda