How do Asian mothers react when their sons outmarry?

[grimfan]

I'm only basing this on one personal encounter, but I think it's safe to say that for whatever reason in Asian families, it's much more acceptable for the women to outmarry than for the men. An Asian mother I know once said that while she was okay, even happy, that her daughter married a nice and helpful White man, she would never tolerate her son marrying some White bitch. She seemed repulsed at the idea of a damned White woman taking care of her son, or grandchildren in the future.

I feel that this is a common mentality in a lot of Asian families. If the issue were balanced, then Asian fathers would be outraged when their daughters marry out, but I don't think this is the case most of the time. They (the fathers) seem to be satisfied as long as the husband is presentable and a good provider. And I don't think some Confucian rationale is behind all this, because at least in Korea, the "sons come first" mentality is only prevalent in the rural areas. In fact, many families now value daughters more because they're more likely to stay close with their parents after they leave the house. So why are Asian mothers more opposed to outmarriage than Asian fathers?

[Banana]

Not sure why this is but I've noticed it too. Back in my Asian women hating days, I countered them with "well, maybe if Asian people were a little less tolerate or even encouraging for women to marry white men, I might be able to find one" when they got annoyed with me dating non-Asian women. "You people are shooting yourselves in the foot and then blame me!?"

No one said a word to me since then.

[AngryABCGirl]

In a more traditional mindset, for many the son is still the one who carries the family name and legacy and culture on coupled with the idea that the woman is the bearer/teacher of culture. For some, if the son marries out, he's marrying out of the culture to a mother and a situation that can't carry it on. But honestly there's no guarantee that will happen if he marries an Asian American girl either or even an Asian woman from Asia.

[kasia]

^ i agree with angryabc.


in chinese, when a daughter marries, her husband's family becomes her family, and her own family is referred to as "the outside family". when she returns home for a visit, she will say that she is visiting her "outside family." thus, either way, when a family marries off a daughter, they are losing her.

with a son, he is bringing someone into the family. that is why, in chinese cultures, the son's side is supposed to pay for the entire wedding. this is based on the idea that his family is gaining a person while the woman's family is losing one.

from this, it also follows that only the son's children will count as part of the family and carry on the family name. the question becomes whether a non-chinese can bring up the children in the same way that a traditional chinese wife can. will she be able to speak fluently? will she understand and carry on every custom? will she have inherent knowledge of the unspoken rules?

with the last point, though, i think most elders in the US recognize that the younger generation is becoming more and more Americanized, and even if the son marries a Chinese girl, it is not always a guarantee that she will know the customs or be willing to carry them out. but i guess it's less of a risk.

[DaBestSpooner]

my parents didnt care

[SunWuKong]

^ i agree with angryabc.


in chinese, when a daughter marries, her husband's family becomes her family, and her own family is referred to as "the outside family". when she returns home for a visit, she will say that she is visiting her "outside family." thus, either way, when a family marries off a daughter, they are losing her.

with a son, he is bringing someone into the family. that is why, in chinese cultures, the son's side is supposed to pay for the entire wedding. this is based on the idea that his family is gaining a person while the woman's family is losing one.

from this, it also follows that only the son's children will count as part of the family and carry on the family name. the question becomes whether a non-chinese can bring up the children in the same way that a traditional chinese wife can. will she be able to speak fluently? will she understand and carry on every custom? will she have inherent knowledge of the unspoken rules?

i would have to say that in my family, this mentality basically stopped with my parents' generation. and looking at their influences when they were growing up, it makes sense. my father and one his sisters (and my mother as well) were listening to the Beatles and Led Zeppelin and they were into Western modernity. his brother and other sister were singing Communist propaganda songs and were into Communist ideology. both of those seemingly opposing influences would conflict with traditional thinking like that. i don't think even my paternal grandfather really cares too much about this, but maybe this has to do with age; he's become more and more nonchalant about basically everything as he aged. he doesn't even hate the Japanese anymore - he just makes fun of them. my paternal grandmother definitely carries more of the traditional mentality in terms of family. so when Chinese people talk about traditions like how the son is supposed to carry the family line and things like that, i really can't relate that much. my parents and grandparents want me to have kids, but it was never about carrying on the family name. they just want grandkids and great grandkids.

specifically about marrying non-Chinese or non-Asian though, i don't think my relatives care because my grandmother is a quarter English anyway.

[Dimeron]

My mother doesn't seem to care, although she seems to assume that I will end up marrying another Asian anyways, which will probably be true.

Although I did once jokingly said maybe I will bring back a white wife to my grandparents once, needless to say they were not pleased.

[buttermilkwise]

I don't think it's as bad a reaction as finding out that either your son is gay, or a loser who's at an age where people start marrying but has never kissed a girl before.

[kitkatbee]

She should worry about who the nanny is.

[LaiSteve66]

My grandmother hates my mom and she tried to get my dad to go with this other woman. I think the aforementioned mentality may have played a role but I'm not sure.

[applehead]

i think maybe it's because the father doesn't
really vocalize his opinions or he lets his wife
deal with issues like this.

doesn't mean they're always more accepting of it.
it usually is in family conflicts, one parents speaks
for both of them, no?

[DragonKnight]

My mom has a preference towards Filipinos...but wouldn't trip if I "outmarried". At my age, she'd be happy if I got married at all, lolz. :biggrin:

[cloudzero]

assuming the ratio of male-female is 1:1. for every Asian female in IR, it calls for an Asian male IR, does it not? to let your Asian daughters out marry and expecting your all Asian sons find an Asian wife, sounds pretty stupid to me. from an individual family point of view, its possible, but in a large population, it can't happen

tell me im wrong

[AngryABCGirl]

i would have to say that in my family, this mentality basically stopped with my parents' generation. and looking at their influences when they were growing up, it makes sense. my father and one his sisters (and my mother as well) were listening to the Beatles and Led Zeppelin and they were into Western modernity. his brother and other sister were singing Communist propaganda songs and were into Communist ideology. both of those seemingly opposing influences would conflict with traditional thinking like that. i don't think even my paternal grandfather really cares too much about this, but maybe this has to do with age; he's become more and more nonchalant about basically everything as he aged. he doesn't even hate the Japanese anymore - he just makes fun of them. my paternal grandmother definitely carries more of the traditional mentality in terms of family. so when Chinese people talk about traditions like how the son is supposed to carry the family line and things like that, i really can't relate that much. my parents and grandparents want me to have kids, but it was never about carrying on the family name. they just want grandkids and great grandkids.

specifically about marrying non-Chinese or non-Asian though, i don't think my relatives care because my grandmother is a quarter English anyway.

A lot of parents generation still has this mentality, although oddly, or not so oddly enough, it's more the women in the family carry it on, and they lament that there aren't as many sons in my generation in my family to carry on the family name. Ironically the men think it's stupid and care more about us running family businesses and it doesn't matter if we're women than anything like that. I actually found out recently admist family events I actually have some cousins in China, but they don't count and aren't on my family records because they were descended from one of the women in my family that didn't make it out to Taiwan, even though we use to send them money.

[kasia]

^ right.

i belong to a the chungshan lee family association on san francisco chinatown. my whole family does. but i never qualified for their annual scholarships because i'm not a real member because only my mother's side belongs to that group. my cousins who are children of my mom's brothers all qualify and get a few hundred a year. not fair at all.

in my own family, my parents are pretty open-minded. i think they would prefer a Chinese wife for my brother, because they want their grandchildren to be able to speak the language and know about the culture. at the same time, they recognize that whatever Chinese wife my brother gets will be pretty Americanized. his girlfriend right now speaks Mandarin and my dad can't communicate with her except for in English.

i don't know if my grandparents care, but i do remember that my grandfather considered going back to China from the Phillipines after WWII because he wanted his grandchildren (my brother and i) to grow up in a traditional Chinese environment. i always wondered what i would be like in little braids and plain cotton clothes running around the villages of China.