Juggling school (college) and pregnancy (women ONLY!!!)

[Hiroshi2]

OK..............here's the situation. I just found out today that my 18 year old sister is pregnant. She just graduated from HS this year, and was REALLY looking forward to going down to the University of Alabama this fall, and even went through orientation and saw her dorm room and everything. But she found out that she's pregnant and now basically my dad said, well you know you're not going, at least not this year. Abortion is out of the question. Adoption may still be an option, though she does not want to do it all (and understandably so).


We are a middle income family that has about enough money every month to make ends meet, and that's about it. Hardly any extra money or anything. So financially, it's going to be hard to support this child. ANd the father's a punk ass bitch who's been trying to get an abortion cause he doesn't want to man up and help support the child. So we can't expect too much from him.


SO with that being said...................I'd like to encourage my sister and let her know she can still acheive her original career goals. I told her she should try to go to UAB (a school that's in town) but she says she had her heart set on Bama, and that's understandable. I figure that she can, in fact, earn a degree while raising a very young child (as hard as that may be) but what I'm curious is................what are the odds of her going to a school 50 miles away, living in a dorm, NOT going back home to Birmingham every day............in other words, living a typical "college life" kind of lifestyle, except with a young child to support? Can that be done? If so, how? I tell her encouraging things, but it'd be nice if i actually knew what I was talking about when I say them. The truth of the matter is, I don't. I know obstacles can be overcome with the right attitude, but I also recognize the need to be realistic. Any of you ladies have any experience with this situation?

[Pookie_gal]

Hmmm, tough situation and I'm guessing the lack of replies mean many are stumped.

I haven't personally been in this situation, but I know people who have postponed their education for a couple of years while they look after their child full-time, and then when their child turns 2, they can send them to nursery school, giving them more time to do a degree and further their education. They still get the degree they want, but it's just a year or two later than they expected. And they still get to spend that initial bonding time with their baby.

[Hiroshi2]

Right and that's what I'm thinking may happen with her. It's just that she had her heart set on UA, which is not really in town, but then again it's 45 minutes away and in the next county, so it's hard to say it's really out of town either.


Girls have babies in college, in high school, etc. and still make it. What I really hate is the fact that she's going to have grow up so fast, much faster than she would've ordinarily. She can kiss her kid days goodbye, she HAS to become an adult now, not an adolescent, not a child, but an adult. But I damn sure don't want her to be like so many other young girls here who pop out babies and just keep on popping out babies and work ordinary (re: bullshit) jobs. I want her to get her degree and go into athletic training like she wanted to before the baby. It'd be nice if she could go to Bama and live the college life (or at least as close to the "college life" as a young mother is going to live) but then again she may very well have to kiss that dream goodbye and settle for commuting to UAB (which mind you is a very reputable school) and earning a degree. She was so looking forward to the "college experience" and now it doesn't really look like she'll get to experience that, and I hate to see her be dissappointed like that.

[AngryABCGirl]

Hiroshi-

I saw your post at work but couldn't reply to it then: I haven't dealt with it directly, but I've had some peers who have.

One of them was the girlfriend of one of my neighbors and my co-worker in our college apts. I think she was in her second-year. She was lucky in that both their families lived around 30-40 minutes away and had supportive friends to cheerlead her in finishing her degree, although unlucky the guy was irresponsible partying loser frat boy. She sometime off school (I think two quarters) to have the baby and recover before going back to school. Right now her baby lives with her parents who take care of the baby or hired help when she's at school nearby. She goes back every few days see the kid and it worked out fine enough she graduated.

I know another woman, who was just a minor acquiantance. Her story is similar to your sisters in that she was in high school when she got pregnant. He guy stuck by her, but they were both in very bad financial situation. She postponed school to have the child and they both worked to make ends meet until she reapplied when the child was 2, in time for nursery school, and did very well when she entered college, although she couldn't have the traditional experience, she still participated in school activities and her wisdom from her struggles contributed to a good academic career.

I'd advise in the case of your sister is to be realistic, but at the same time be supportive and don't let her give up her goals. She's not going to have the same exact college experience because she's gonna have grown up faster than say her what her 18-year-old dormmates would be like. But that doesn't mean she can't have a great college experience. Bama doesn't sound so far away that it's unreachable, although I thnk a lot of it depends on how much time she's willing to forgo it and how much support your family can muster up for the childcare. It might take a lot of careful financial planning, splitting up money between work to support the child and trying to find scholarship and financial aid to finance her education.

[Hiroshi2]

I know another woman, who was just a minor acquiantance. Her story is similar to your sisters in that she was in high school when she got pregnant. He guy stuck by her, but they were both in very bad financial situation. She postponed school to have the child and they both worked to make ends meet until she reapplied when the child was 2, in time for nursery school, and did very well when she entered college, although she couldn't have the traditional experience, she still participated in school activities and her wisdom from her struggles contributed to a good academic career.



I think this is the most likely situation as far as what will happen. It's very important now that she earns a degree and makes good money to provide for this child, cause I'm telling you the father of this child ain't shit. He graduated from HS and had no plans of college, military, or anything other than just sitting on his ass and not doing shit. I don't even know if he has a job. But on the bright side, when she does enter college (whether that be two years from now or 10 years from now) i'm sure she'll have a much more mature persepctive on her academics than her 18-year-old fellow freshman who are fresh out of high school and do not have kids. Consequently, I think this will ensure her success if and when she does decide to college.


The main thing I'm worried about now is 1) her health (and the baby's), 2) financial situation, like I said, don't really think we can afford another mouth to feed, 3) my mother. My mother has come down on her so hard it's ridiculous. She's like one step away from disowning her. She won't speak to her, she won't mention it, she completely ignores her even though she lives in the same house. She does not acknowledge her prescence at all. I hate it and I wish she would stop being like that, but then again my mother has never been the most encouraging person in the world. Growing up she would always tell the two of us about how we couldn't do this or wouldn't be able to do that but we were always able to brush it off. But now that her daughter's pregnant, that word "can't" hits a lot harder and I know my sister is hurt by it but my mother is still just as stubborn as ever. All she talks about how is much she's embarrased her, and that's so fucking selfish. I'm really pissed off at her right now.

[applehead]

hey hiroshi,

i think it's really wonderful that your sister is being
so strong and not giving up her dreams of a college education
because of her pregnancy.

one of my close friends found out she was pregnant in the middle of the semester. and she stuck around to finish all her courses.
she wanted to drop all her classes because she kept excusing
herself to use the bathroom and she suffered from really bad morning sickness. i hope your sister doesn't get that.

anyway, she stuck around because she had a really supportive family
and her mom helped her study whenever she had time.
but now that her belly is getting bigger it's getting hard for her
to move around. she lives on campus, in the dorms but
for her summer session class, she took online courses.
that's what she'll be doing in the fall also.
thank god for those general ed courses that's offered
online.

that could be an option for your sister for the fall, perhaps?
since she'll be a freshman, she'll have a lot of options.
even if she doesn't do a full course load, one or two classes
online aren't all that bad.

i also had another classmate who was in her third trimester
and taking really strenuous classes. where a lot of lab work
was involved. she told me that her family and our professors
were really supportive and that helped her a lot.
so i think it's great that you're very concerned about your
sister's situation and asking for advice.

you probably have a lot of personal issues to deal with yourself
but i think for the time being you should focus whatever energy
you have left on your sister and trying to be supportive.
(as you are already)
don't waste your energy being pissed off at mom.
she'll come around once the baby is born. just give her time.

anyway, if you or your sister have any more questions
i can ask my friend for her personal experience.
since i don't really have any first hand experience.
pm me if you do?

but i think since my friend is pregnant, going to school
and living in a dorm; she might be in a similar situation
your sister will be in later(?)

[Hiroshi2]

Well it's pretty much a done deal she won't be going anywhere this semester and certainly not in the spring since the baby's due in February. So she'll have to sit out at least a year. But the point that I'm trying to make is if she has this baby, how would it be for her to have the baby in February, and say in August go back and enroll in school, live in the dorm, etc. Or is it more realisitic to get her to go to a school closer to home and simply commute to class?


My sister really was going to give up (she said she needed to consider "alternative career goals") on going into athletic training, but I know that's a big mistake. She needs a good job in order to provide for this baby, the fast food gig she's at now ain't gonna cut it (supporting a baby on $6.15/ hour? Yeah, right). I'm trying to convince her through making her aware of the experiences of other single women, that it's possible to acheive what she's trying to acheive despite the circumstances. I think hearing from other single women who've done what she's trying to do is the best thing and that's why I'm trying to expose her to these things. That's why I'm trying to get some of my friends who are single mothers to talk to her, family members, etc. They can help her a lot better than she can.


And yes applehead, this has caused me to put virtually all of my personal problems on the backburner. They really don't hold a candle to this.

[AngryABCGirl]

Just keep being a supportive big bro. I think that's the most important thing you can do right now and encourage her to save money for school while she's out of school so she can keep her eyes on the prize. In terms of making sure things work out alright, I think a lot of it depends on attitude.

[Hiroshi2]

My sister went to the doctor today, they said she had a miscarriage.

[Pookie_gal]

My sister went to the doctor today, they said she had a miscarriage.

Oh no! I hope she's fine physically... keep being there for her. She'll need it now even more than ever.

[Hiroshi2]

Well she had a pap smear done. I think she's waiting on the results...........?

[moser]

My sister went to the doctor today, they said she had a miscarriage.

Oh dear, hope she's ok.

[AngryABCGirl]

I hope everything's okay Hiroshi. Take care.

[applehead]

oh. she must have been really stressed about
this whole situation. i hope she's doing okay.