Need shrewd, cruel thinkers

[kimpossible]

I need to shore up the safety on one part of my house. I'm moving to get away from the downtown transient shitheels, a.k.a., world's laziest white men who are kind of strung out hippies, and wouldn't you know one of those mangy bastards shows up on my front goddam door the first night because he's running a scam out of my mailbox.

Cops, employment agency, USPS and rental agency have all been called. Trust me, I know how to report and document this shit five ways from Sunday but no one can do squat. I've always had a separate locked mailbox but I had the mail held anyhow. I hope that jackass was stupid enough to use his real name. Anyways, I'm not in a position to play the Masked Crusader and catch him in the act and leave his wrapped up for the police to pick up.

Anyhow, my new back yard. All my windows face a 6 ft privacy fence. So far I think I'm going to install motion detection lights and a deer sprinkler that jets out ice cold water upon detecting motion. I figure if it doesn't deter at least I'll have a crucial 5 seconds to hear the water being activated.

Anyone with sadistic suggestions? This is a rental and I don't want to hurt anyone's little poochie or cat or kid by mistake. Water + lights are okay so far. Bear trap, not so much.

Thanks in advance.

http://ec1.images-amazon.com/images/G/01/ciu/50/f2/790a820dd7a0bacddc64f010.L.jpg

[Arex]

Instead of ice cold water, can you have it squirt out some sort of non-toxic dye? Maybe ice cold fruit punch concentrate? Non-lethal but more annoying than water, and it makes it easier to ID the trespasser should you call the cops.

And I assume you can disable the Hawaiian Punch dispenser from within, separate from the lights, in case you need to do some work out there one evening?

[eos]

how ok are you about sirens and flashing lights...like the ones on police cars? wait...you have it locked but he can open it? please explain further so i know what i'm working with here. you have first dibs on my vengeful and sadistic mind.

[tripostrophe]

Have you also made sure you're hooked up to a secure wireless network? I think that'd be good to check on if you haven't already.

Why are you setting this stuff up in the backyard? Is it poorly lit and are you afraid of a break-in? Maybe you could offer to puppy-sit for people (or just "borrow" the dog) and have it sleep in the backyard, if you know anyone who has one.

What about getting a P.O. Box temporarily, and having the mail fwded there? Or do you use one of those steel dealies with 16 people sharing one with separate compartments and all?

I really think a dog of some sort is the best solution :) Just make sure it isn't too friendly. And keep it hungry. Kidding.

[bluemonq]

Nah, dye isn't irritating enough. A really strong vinegar, or if you can find really, really cheap, horrible smelling cologne or perfume - that would be better. You might try something a bit stronger if you can direct the height; probably won't run into too many 5-foot tall dogs or 9 year-olds.

Or a shitload of rakes. That'd be good.

[tripostrophe]

Or a shitload of rakes. That'd be good.

hahaha i love it!

You should rent all those old home alone movies again to get your creative juices flowing...and maybe one of those B-grade horror murder movies that've been coming out recently, like saw or something..:D

[bluemonq]

Bear trap mounted five feet off of the ground
Punji sticks right next to the fence for any would-be climbers
Pull-string firecrackers with tripwires
Low voltage electric fence
Non-toxic glue/paste sprays
Mudhole traps

I'll try to come up with more sadistic ideas.

[AngryABCGirl]

Can't be too cruel or you're worried about kids and dogs not getting trapped in something awful.

A lot of it is cost, I think a security camera is a good deterrent, or else just a good way to take evidence if not prohibitively expensive. I have no idea how much it costs but people won't wanna do anything stupid in front of it.

[kimpossible]

People, people. I'd never use an unsecure mailbox. Verily, I'm hurt you'd think so. No, this unsecure box is in the front of a rental. The property owner has it out there. The problem is in regard to the new place we just started moving in to. Out in le burbs. Of course I'm getting a PO Box. At USPS, a federal building.

For the moment I'm still a city apartment gal 20 vertical feet up and a keycoded iron door from the masses in the street with a locked mailbox. I'm prepping the new place because it's ground level and the windows are all at the back of the house which faces a 6 ft privacy fence.

It's probably safe but I'm one paranoid bitch. What can I say. That 5 ft. between our back windows and the privacy fence needs portable, non-hurtful deterrents.

One of you devious sumbitches PM'd me with the idea of adding fake cameras. I lick my fingers clean with its deliciousness. I think I'll add a laminated sign to go with it. SMILE. YOU'RE ON CAMERA!

No dogs. I don't want smelly aminals and neither does the property owner. Our minds are one on this.

I likey. Lights, cold shot-in-the-dark water and cameras. You all have evil little hearts and I love you for it. Keep it coming you sadists.

[deez nuts]

i can come over, run outside to where the hippies are hanging out and masturbate at them.

[thaite]

cat pee

[huangalex]

Salad dressing. Lots and lots of salad dressing.

[bluemonq]

Salad dressing. Lots and lots of salad dressing.
cat pee
'Kay, she still wants to be able to go into the backyard without fear of bugs or carrying a gas mask :rolleyes:

[eos]

what's wrong with cat pee? salad dressing i can see as being bad but cat pee?

oohhh, about a gauntlet of dirty baby diapers? i'm sure you don't have a scarcity of those.

[bluemonq]

oohhh, about a gauntlet of dirty baby diapers? i'm sure you don't have a scarcity of those.
That, my dear, would result in the EPA declaring her backyard a Superfund cleanup site.

Moving on from liquids...some sort of powdered sugar dispenser. Bonus: if there's any static electricity, there'd be a small explosion after it was sprayed into the air.

[mr. x]

Kimmy can you explain how the scam works exactly?

I suggest you use a Saw like contraption to trap his head in a pressurized container, you know, to help him break his habits

[applehead]

hmm. i think you could do more
with an unlocked mailbox, so that
when he does open it... something bad
could happen.
like,.. i don't know what. but something unpleasant.

[VV o n g B a]

hmm. i think you could do more
with an unlocked mailbox, so that
when he does open it... something bad
could happen.
like,.. i don't know what. but something unpleasant.the problem is that u don't want to maim the mailman at the same time.

how permanent is this unsecured mailbox? if it's just a box on a stick, could u just pull it out of the ground and store it in the garage or attic?

[Azn Retribution]

Neighborhood Watch Thing.

Advise neighbors/people close by that a known pedophile/child molestor/sex offender is hanging around mailboxes(the neighborhood)
looking for kids.

Find what names info he used on the mail. there should be someway to trace it back to him at one point in time. (I don't know for sure unless you elaborate on what type of scam.. and what kinda info he was using.) then you can use the "Avengers Guide" to revenge on the net.
alt.revenge FAQ I think its called. Excellent guide to ruining or screwing someone up if you are really determined.

That way you won't have to do the confrontation
some angry parent/member of the NRA will do it for you.

as for deterrent.. I've always found "Proud member of the NRA"
stickers are great. So does the Dog-Brothers esque gatherings I have behind my house or the tatami-cutting gatherings. (Me and two or three friends with nihontos or good practical reproductions cut rolled up tatami mats and bamboo in front of my house.)

Having a gun-sword nut stereotyped appearance can be beneficial for deterrence.

[Gordman]

Well, this is an interesting fact...

[Yeahman]

Bear trap mounted five feet off of the ground
Punji sticks right next to the fence for any would-be climbers
Pull-string firecrackers with tripwires
Low voltage electric fence
Non-toxic glue/paste sprays
Mudhole traps

I'll try to come up with more sadistic ideas.
The only thing that came to mind when I read that list was "lawsuit."

[CARDINAL009]

The only thing that came to mind when I read that list was "lawsuit."

That is correct. Never listen to an adviser who would not follow their own advice.

[Variable]

I'm fond of large and abundant cactus as a deterrent for fence jumpers...even potted, to avoid the unpleasantness of weeding the border.

Heavily thorned rose bushes are nice, too.