Did your parents prepare you?

[kimpossible]

As my son grows... and runs around balls-out until he needs sleep, I am seeing the next stage of parenting on the horizon: introducing him to the world around him. I feel like I'm the responsible parent with regard to his mixed identity.

And in doing so I'm mentally reviewing what my mom did when I was a kid and what worked and what was missing. Did either of your parents prepare you identity-wise? Anything hit or miss? On this I would like to hear from fellow hapas.

[LaiSteve66]

Did either of your parents prepare you identity-wise?

They did a horrible job. My mom told me I was White, my Dad told me I was Viet.

Anything hit or miss? On this I would like to hear from fellow hapas.

Everything miss. My parents were just a bunch of confused purebreds who didn't understand mixed race identity like most of society.

[popculturepooka]

Hmmm, yep, my both my parents told me that since I look mostly black, most people would automatically pigeonhole me as black.
I'm fine with that actually, as long as people don't let that shit get outta hand...
They just made equal efforts to immerse me in both cultures.

Seemed to work for me and my sister (though my sister is in a different situation, she kinda has that "ambigious mixed race person" look - y'know the kind where everybody thinks she's something different), we turned out okay.

[AsianFighter]

I'm half asian and half white and look just that, in appearance I'm not going to pass for either asian or white.

Anyhow, my asian mom told me I was (and maybe saw me as one) a white kid which was infuriating because she was about the only one who thought so.

Looking back, either my mom was whitewashed or she truely believed that I'd be better off being brought up as a "white" kid. Whatever the reason, it seemed to have the opposite effect, and I grew up seeing myself as more asian.

[BeTheReds]

I think you'll do fine.

Most of all just be receptive to whatever identity he himself ends up choosing, and refrain from statements like "this is how I see you..." Because that's really only going to piss him off if it is any different from how he sees himself.

I mean really... when my mom told me she saw me as an American who is just really interested in Asian stuff, I thought that more than 20 years of experiences with her meant nothing.

[rice cracker]

No, my parents didn't really have much to say about being mixed. My mom was like, you shall have the brain of an Asian and the creativity of the whites! This, THIS is my gift to you BWAHAHAHAHAHA! My dad just called me "high yellow" and that was the end of that.

[thaite]

nope, not a damn thing.

[kimpossible]

Here's the thing. His dad and grandpa look at me like I'm insane when I say he's not only Chinese. The two main men in his life, at least during the early years, have no shred of doubt that he's anything but Chinese. My husband keeps thinking that he doesn't look mixed, he "looks Northern". The proof (in his eyes) is when I'm not there no one comments that he's mixed. Yes, I've already debunked this verbally. It doesn't seem to be sinking in.

I see it going two ways. One, I can take a seat at the STFU Cafe and drink a nice, hot cuppa because he's like 2/3 Asian and I'm 1/4 and he's Asian by patriarchal standards and, should things continue as is, he'll at least be able to speak Chinese. So perhaps I'm actually the one mistaken, it will be radically different for him than me.

Two, he's gonna be set up to think he's Chinese and find it difficult when he's older if he's treated differently.

I thought back to things my mom did or said and the one thing that comes to me is when I was about 12 and she was brushing my hair while we stood facing the mirror on my dresser. She smiled and said "One day you'll find that people find your looks exotic." So I'm thinking to myself, okay... this is a boy. I don't really see me brushing his when he's 12 and wistfully predicting that people will find him exotic.

Quaint in a mother-daugher relationship. Probably weird for mother-son.

[AsianFighter]

I see it going two ways. One, I can take a seat at the STFU Cafe and drink a nice, hot cuppa because he's like 2/3 Asian and I'm 1/4 and he's Asian by patriarchal standards and, should things continue as is, he'll at least be able to speak Chinese. So perhaps I'm actually the one mistaken, it will be radically different for him than me.

Two, he's gonna be set up to think he's Chinese and find it difficult when he's older if he's treated differently.


I'll probably be in the same situation as you one day. My wife is pure Asian so our child will be 3/4 asian and only 1/4 white so will probably look almost pure asian. However, regardless of appearance, my child may well grow up to see themselves as mixed rather than asian, so raising the child as asian would be to repeat the mistake of my parents with me.

I'm not sure whether being 3/4 asian (as opposed to 1/2 for myself) will make life easier or more difficult for my child. On the one hand, maybe identity issues are lessened if he\she identifies more with asians, but on the other hand, maybe he\she will face greater racism, which is something I worry about.

[BeTheReds]

Here's the thing. His dad and grandpa look at me like I'm insane when I say he's not only Chinese. The two main men in his life, at least during the early years, have no shred of doubt that he's anything but Chinese. My husband keeps thinking that he doesn't look mixed, he "looks Northern". The proof (in his eyes) is when I'm not there no one comments that he's mixed. Yes, I've already debunked this verbally. It doesn't seem to be sinking in.




Well right now at least, he's passing the looks test. Oftentimes that's all that's needed for full acceptance, you know that.

He also passes the paternity test, and will probably pass the I can speak Chinese test.

Even with all that, there's no guarantee he'll be identifying himself as totally Chinese... then again, he might.

I don't see why anything has to be sunk in really. Let the cards fall where they may, but don't keep the mixed heritage a secret.