handling past baggage? explanation needed...

[Fireblade]

hey guys,

I know it's been a while, but I figured I'd ask this since most of the people who have tried to answer my question has been lack luster.

Recently I've been dating a girl who's had a previous affinity towards white men. (She's asian btw) To put it bluntly, she previously decided that white men would be the only type of guys for her. However, I changed all of that, but little niggles of her previous infatuation with them tend to bug me.

If that weren't enough, she continues to rag on her own culture and people, and I try to explain to her that it's nothing more than self-hate and loathing, and I try to elevate her mind in accepting who and what she is.

But it's hard, because her close friends support her ridicule of practically anything asian, and is it a wonder that they're white? I don't know how to approach it to her and tell her otherwise.

Any suggestions?

[eos]

omfg. how the hell did you accomplish this herculean task???? guys, you MUST make a bust of fireblade and worship at his altar for doing the impossible!!!
seriously, dude. i'm a girl and even i want to know how you did this.

ok, how much do you like this girl? cuz it really really sounds like hanging out with her would make me want to kill myself. if this attitude is so ingrained in her, i don't know if you can successfully reverse it in the long run. unless you can get her to become friends with a whole bunch of asian people who will gladly bitchslap her into reality, this seems like a lost case. i'm sorry to burst your bubble, guy. =T

[moser]

I'm going to guess that she was raised in a predominately white area, and probably did not have the nicest parents. Could be wrong, of course.

She needs Asian friends. The ones she hangs out with now "who support her in ridicule of anything Asian" seem (almost?) racist. Also, just keep on treating her well, so maybe she see for sure that not all Asian men are evil (I assume she's thinking that to some degree).

Otherwise, yeah, it's probably a lost cause.

[pikachupacabra]

We're not worthy!!!!


http://users.adelphia.net/~charphar/not_worthy.jpg

[Tao]

I'm going to guess that she was raised in a predominately white area, and probably did not have the nicest parents. Could be wrong, of course.

She needs Asian friends. The ones she hangs out with now "who support her in ridicule of anything Asian" seem (almost?) racist. Also, just keep on treating her well, so maybe she see for sure that not all Asian men are evil (I assume she's thinking that to some degree).

Otherwise, yeah, it's probably a lost cause.

completely agree with what moser said.

another thing would be to sit her down and tell her straight up that those comments are disrespectful towards you and are quite hurtful, and that if she really cares for you then she should know better than to keep on saying things like that.

[Fireblade]

Actually, she was raised in the bay area, specifically in San Francisco. MOST of her friends are actually asian, specifically chinese and vietnamese. Her closest friends are white though. And she doesn't see all asian men as a sterotype (aka me). HOWEVER, it does bug me that her friends can't see me as anything more than a sterotype, and occasionally she butts that into a sort of childish joke about penis size, or math, or what-the-fuck ever.

Now I could blow up and tell her off that it's not cool, but I'm not angry at her. Just annoyed that although we're together, she seems to get off on ragging on herself to being asian. As if it were a bad thing.

Now the thing is that her asian friends seem not to debate the sterotypes against their culture, because they too are in awe of the whiteness in our all too concentrated attention hungry whoring tv. They're either dating white guys, or not dating anyone at all, but wouldn't consider a white guy. It pisses me off, because they tend to believe in the "marriage up" deal, in which being the only asian in a white crowd, makes them "accepted" and "part of the in crowd".

Thing is, aside from all of this, I really do like her a lot. (If not just only for the sex... god that girl is a freak) And she does take a lot of my opinions to heart. But after a while, I just want to tell her friends to shut the fuck up, and point out every fatal flaw they have and make them cry. Of course that in itself is fucked up, and I'd rather not resort to such tactics.

I just don't know how really to tell her bluntly, "I hate your friends, because they're racist assholes who are incredibly stupid and not funny."

[Moong Joong]

I'm not sure if you can really change someone so directly/bluntly. She needs to think about these things herself, her behaviour and attitude towards her own race. That they're stereotypes made up by non asians to make fun of the group of people which includes herself. If racist people think that shit about asian guys, what would they think about asian girls?
Because people are saying racist crap about my race, i feel the need to gain their acceptance and join in? How much of their "bitch" would i be?

um, that's the sort of thing i thought about which "cured" me when i was a pretty whitewashed guy.

i just realised that asians, like myself, are just people not racist stereotypes.

um that's the best i can put it :S good luck with all that.

[moser]

Eh, I don't know then.

Moong Joong is right, (1) she's going to have to figure it out on her own and (2) her letting her friends talk about Asian people in that way (and joining in!) says a lot about how she feels about herself in general.

I think your best bet is to stand up for yourself and tell her/her friends that they're flat out insulting you the next time she/they make those comments, and continue doing so. There's no way that she/they can't make the connection between their making racist jokes and your being Asian. Of course, they'll probably say that you're too sensitive.

If she doesn't stand up for you, and/or she continues to let her friends make those comments, etc., then unfortunately it'll show a bad aspect of her character and you'll know where you stand with her. I mean, if someone came up to a black friend of yours and called him a "n-----r," you'd curse the guy out/beat his ass, right?

(again, this is all subject to the disclaimer that I don't know her or you and that I may have made some assumptions which may not necessarily apply to your situation)

[eos]

just sit her ass down and have a serious talk with her. if she really does take what you say to heart like you said then she will try her best to change. but that's pretty much all she can do: TRY. don't expect a complete 180 cuz that ain't happening. and she needs to get rid of those friends. the white AND the asians. negativity breeds negativity. she needs to spend all her time with YOU, like an intense re-education program. kinda extreme but if you really like her a lot, aside from the obvious sexual attraction, this is an option.

i've never tried re-education, but i was thisclose to going out with a whitewashed guy. i decided not to cuz i didn't want to spend our time together defending my race/etc.

[sageb1]

completely agree with what moser said.

another thing would be to sit her down and tell her straight up that those comments are disrespectful towards you and are quite hurtful, and that if she really cares for you then she should know better than to keep on saying things like that.


OMG, whitewashed Asian girl. I am getting a Michelle Malkin vibe now.
:eek:

[Hiroshi2]

Speaking of racism, what the hell is a "niggle"?


But no seriously - stop being the nice guy and tell her how you feel. That you hate her racist asshole friends or whatever and you hate how she acts around them and that they have influenced her in a bad way. Trust me, you'll feel better about it later on. It won't bug you. Just be real.

[Fireblade]

Well.... I recently sent her a bunch of links to read.... just concerning my attitude towards the whole situation. She got pretty surprised about the racist hate/ racist love link. She's gaining some perspective, but my god, it's really mind boggling, because apparently when she was in middle school, the only guys who paid attention to her were white guys. Hence why the obsession. She apparently didn't have any asian guys who would walk up to her, and complement her, etc, etc.

I'm not going to outright tell her that her friends are racist. (They are, even if they were raised in San Francisco for their entire lives.) But I think that if I keep pointing out the things they say, she might get the message.

And she's not white-washed, incredibly as it sounds. Her parents are immigrants, etc, etc. And she didn't grow up with an oppressive family, so yea... not the typical situation. If it were, I could handle it better.

I'll try to be as honest as possible

[nameless]

Dude, I totally know what you are going through Fireblade. I was in a similar situation, only my girl didn't have white friends (just whitewashed Asian friends). Ironically, even though she was pretty knowledgable about AA issues, she still managed to be pretty self-hating. Kinda understandable since she had a jacked up childhood.

Anyway, I think it's good to make an effort to educate her, but you'll eventually see that people believe what they want to believe. If she didn't grow up with an oppressive family or have negative experiences with other Asians, but still manages to be the way she is, that's a bad sign imo. She'll probably stop the insults and tell her friends to chill when you're around, but her schema probably won't change. Giving her the articles were good though. Just planting the seed is sometimes enough. Unfortunately, it probably won't grow until she gets a blantant dose of racism from a white guy. And even then, who knows....

[eos]

i know there are some really annoying people on here who post stupid idiotic posts, but thankfully they are just a few.
BUT.....have you told her to check out our fine little world over here?

[thaite]

don't let her issues become your issues. dump her ass, tell her why, and find someone more well-adjusted.

It's new year. start it out right.

[eos]

cancel my subscription. i'm over your issues.

*immediately ducks*

[lethal]

don't let her issues become your issues. dump her ass, tell her why, and find someone more well-adjusted.

It's new year. start it out right.

Hell no, she's good in bed, you gotta ride that for as long as possible.

[eos]

^jerk.

[mrazntre]

i bet she likes it in the ass. if you haven't done it already, go pop that shit at least 5 times before you break up with her.

[Hiroshi2]

i bet she likes it in the ass. if you haven't done it already, go pop that shit at least 5 times before you break up with her.




I would buy you a drink if I could.

[mrazntre]

^--thanks.

if homie doesn't want to do and she's willing, i'll step in for him.

OR

keep that one around for some b00m b00m and get another one to screw around with when you get bored of her anti-asian shit. there's evidence that you can get away with 2 chicks at the same time. maybe you'll get lucky and they'll both stick around and hook up the 3-somes.

you my friend, are a very lucky man. cherish the situation.

[deez nuts]

have demeaning angry grudge sex with the wench. do it for your peoples.

go and get yourself a white woman.

white women = the win.

[DragonKnight]

have demeaning angry grudge sex with the wench. do it for your peoples.

go and get yourself a white woman.

white women = the win.
*shakes fist...SHAKE!*

[ru a banana?]

Did you get her straightened out?