Ever Been Hit By Your Significant Other?

[thaite]

Yeah, I have. Crazy bitch even told me she was gonna kill my dog. :evil:

[kasia]

[quote:8aec232a31="buoywonder"]Yeah, I have. Crazy bitch even told me she was gonna kill my dog. :evil:[/quote:8aec232a31]

that's not cool.

[tapestrybabe]

Wellz...,
I've never gotten hit by like a guy or whatever in a relationship...
but like while growing up... i got spankings from my parents... And in the long run.. it hasn't really been detrimental to me... like it wasn't as if they hit me with a belt or anything... It all actually made me realize my wrong doings... and I made sure I wouldnt do it again...

so like, if your talking about getting hit in a relationship.. yeah, by my parents... but I don't really see them as being a child beaters.. I wouldnt accuse my parents for child abuse... and i dont hold it against them... Altho to be honest.. i dont think i would do that to my kids tho...

[ImrkevinpakI]

Just walk away from those people....

[kasia]

[quote:9351f11922="ImrkevinpakI"]Just walk away from those people....[/quote:9351f11922]

much much much easier said than done.

and in relationships, the violence is hardly constant. the guy usually is nice for the most part and will just lash out when he cannot control his temper. and he will be sorry afterwards. and sometimes there will be flowers.

[angelaine]

[quote:93835554fa="kasia"]and in relationships, the violence is hardly constant. the guy usually is nice for the most part and will just lash out when he cannot control his temper. and he will be sorry afterwards. and sometimes there will be flowers.[/quote:93835554fa]

Definitely. When he does all that stuff it makes you feel horrible that you ever thought he was "deliberately" trying to hurt you or that he didn't love you.. etc. Then you tell yourself "Oh.. it was only that one time, it won't happen again".

Yeah right.

Me.. I used to date someone that was kinda like that. He hit me once I think? And then it was all just mental abuse after.. which I feel is just as bad as physical, sometimes worse. He made me a mental wreck. And I didn't clue in on this when I was actually in the relationship. Till it was over. 8O

Then there was this guy that I was kinda close with in High School. To sum it up, we just initiated it in each other. Distance does the both of us good.

[kasia]

[quote:0d385a2804="angelaine"]

Me.. I used to date someone that was kinda like that. He hit me once I think? And then it was all just mental abuse after.. which I feel is just as bad as physical, sometimes worse. He made me a mental wreck. And I didn't clue in on this when I was actually in the relationship. Till it was over. 8O[/quote:0d385a2804]

i'm sorry you had to go through that.

would you mind describing mental abuse? i mean, how can we call it 'abuse'? how would you know if you're not just being a baby about it? should everyone be somewhat strong and be able to 'take' certain comments and remarks? or should such remarks never be given?

i personally agree with you that the mental can be just as bad as the physical.

[angelaine]

Well, let's just say it's not about put downs.. and sarcastic remarks..

I don't really know how to explain our relationship. It went really well in the beginning, but went pretty much downhill afterwards. It really wasn't what he said to me that made it mental abuse. It was what he didn't say. He was always making me guess what he was trying to tell me and it just ended up confusing me. Then he would tell me one thing and then later tell me that I imagined the whole thing. He always made me feel that it was [b:65de5b4fff]my fault[/b:65de5b4fff] even though I didn't even know what I did wrong. He would just say "How come you don't understand?" etc.

He wouldn't let me talk to my friends, he wouldn't let me talk to other guys. I guess it's not really "wouldn't".. it's more like if I did, it'd result in him making me feel horrible about it, how I'm deserting him, how I'm being selfish, how I'm being unfaithful. He made me feel unwanted. He made me feel that no one else liked me, no one else wanted to be friends with me except him. I had no one [b:65de5b4fff]but him[/b:65de5b4fff].

Then one day, we just broke up. No explanation, no reasoning, it just happened. I didn't understand why and I asked. He told me I should know. He just made me an utter wreck. My friends suggested I write him a letter since he wouldn't talk to me in person. He sends me one back (through my english teacher) telling me that I need to get over this, and I [b:65de5b4fff]KNOW[/b:65de5b4fff] what went wrong. Yes. That helped a lot. :P

Eventually my friends helped me get back on my feet, and I felt alright about myself again. Then he comes back. And starts messing with my mind again. Telling me that he regretted his past decisions. That he wanted a second chance. I didn't know what to do. My friends told him to leave me alone.. and then.. well. Till this day he still tells people that he wants to see me dead. It's been 2 years.

Beautiful story isn't it. :P

[ImrkevinpakI]

[quote:c9efa25e08="kasia"][quote:c9efa25e08="ImrkevinpakI"]Just walk away from those people....[/quote:c9efa25e08]

much much much easier said than done.

and in relationships, the violence is hardly constant. the guy usually is nice for the most part and will just lash out when he cannot control his temper. and he will be sorry afterwards. and sometimes there will be flowers.[/quote:c9efa25e08]

From a guy's perspective....i sometimes feel sorry if i hit a girl. I hit this girl on the chest and slam her against the wall because she was harassing my little cousin and also my sister calling her scandalous, when she had on a frickin dress. Then she would tell her other gfs and rumors started to spread that my other gf was a slut and slept with alot of guys when she was from korea. I was pissed because guys would come up to my gf and ask for sex....so i went and confront that girl and she fricken punched me in the nose..of course it bleed , but i just got mad and grab her neck and slammed her against the wall...she was crying like crap. Somehow my gf was laughing her head off...she knew that , that girl derserved it. Now that girl's gfs would never pick on my gf again. Afterwards, that girl apologized and brought us lunch and that her gfs forced her to make fun of my gf behind her back...

[kasia]

to ipaki: as wrong as the girl may have been for spreading rumors about your gf, it's still not right to do what you did to her. if anything, in that situation, i think that your gf should have stepped in to do the ass-kicking for you.


*****************
anyhow... i just thought this issue was important b/c the [i:21f3ac9a6c]rate of death [/i:21f3ac9a6c]resulting from domestic violence for asian couples currently exceeds the population rate of asians in this country.

[princess]

angelaine- omgosh thats awful. have u considered a restraining order?

for the question: i havent been actually hit -- ive juss been handled hard. i have been grabbed reallie hard on my arm and shoved. and when my old boyfriend and i used to argue and i looked away he would grab my face and turn me back to him or shake me by my shoulders.

oh and kasia...thats a startling statistic...where did u find it? and r u sure its valid? that seems kinda high to me...

[kasia]

princess:

yeh, me too. "handled hard" is a good way to put it. i think that's violence, nonetheless. the stats seem kinda high, but look at it this way--very few of us post regularly on this site. but already we've found that among the few of us who do, a number have been hit and at least pushed around (and a number of you are still or just out of high school).

that statistic was taken from 1998. that was the year i created the asian outreach program for a domestic violence agency up in sacramento.

i think what concerns me most is that the vast majority of us girls tend to keep it to ourselves. and many of us are confused as to what "violence" is. forcefully grabbing your chin just because you turned away is violence. and violence usually tends to escalate with time. a shove is okay because it's not a slap. and a slap is okay because it's not with a closed fist. a punch is okay because it was just once. that is how many of us think.

particularly for asian girls, i've found that there is a stigma attached to reaching out or seeking counseling.

if you are in a violent relationship, try to get out. or at least tell a friend that you can rely on.

[angelaine]

[quote:e03a122474="princess"]angelaine- omgosh thats awful. have u considered a restraining order?[/quote:e03a122474]

hmm.. I actually haven't considered it.. I guess it's not really to the point where I'm worried about my life I guess. We've both graduated and go to different Universities, so I rarely ever see him. I guess I'd just like to keep it that way.

[princess]

[quote:f3b6ccc822="kasia"] that was the year i created the asian outreach program for a domestic violence agency up in sacramento.

[/quote:f3b6ccc822]

impressive.

[ImrkevinpakI]

[quote:6d4f8c4073="kasia"]to ipaki: as wrong as the girl may have been for spreading rumors about your gf, it's still not right to do what you did to her. if anything, in that situation, i think that your gf should have stepped in to do the ass-kicking for you.


*****************
anyhow... i just thought this issue was important b/c the [i:6d4f8c4073]rate of death [/i:6d4f8c4073]resulting from domestic violence for asian couples currently exceeds the population rate of asians in this country.[/quote:6d4f8c4073]

Its ok now..but back then, my gf wouldn't like to step in for some strange reason...she wanted me to do the ass kicking. I regret and sorry for what i;ve done..but its all good now.

[achtungbaby]

[quote:410ac6881a="angelaine"] To sum it up, we just initiated it in each other. Distance does the both of us good.[/quote:410ac6881a]

How did you initiate it in each other?

[LilCPChik]

i wanted 2 fuck up my ex at one pt. N fuck him up i dont mean sex

[princess]

but did u stay in check or did it actually escalate to violence?

[LilCPChik]

i restrained my self.. my home gurl was trying 2 get him 2 go out wit a couple her guyz so they could like push him around .. but he declined the offer 2 go chill wit them... haha oh well that was a while ago..

[krissy]

[color=red:f592a8e04d]Yup, I've been hit (hit, pushed, grabbed, shoved to the ground, etc.) by my significant other. EXboyfriend. Somehow it didn't really hit me (no pun intended) that that wasn't "normal" or "acceptable" until he almost killed me (with the aid of a car - not w/his bare hands or anything). First relationship - I didn't really have any frame of reference (although my dad certainly never did that stuff to my mom...). It took me two and a half months after the car accident/incident to break up with him. I'd say the relationship pretty much resembled all the Lifetime TV specials on the subject (in terms of the cycle of abuse kasia mentioned). Some of the mental abuse that angelaine experienced (like isolation, forced helplessness, degradation - and lots of yelling) accompanied the physical. It was actually very confusing to me b/c 95% of the time he was really good - absolutely spoiled me (not with stuff, but attention & doing things for me) - but that other 5% was *really* bad.

As a result, I think I'm a little hypersensitive about being hit, pushed, stunned, whatever. I also have very little tolerance for disrespect.

ipaki: I'm scared of you.
[/color:f592a8e04d]

[CrX3183]

This abuse stuff works both ways and i've been hit right in the eyes for no apperent reason!!! :? I will never understand violent women...

[angelnympho]

yeah it was lame. he's a jerk and i kicked him out of my house.

[kasia]

it's a touchy subject, but violence in relationships is highly prevalent among asian couples.

[wylin]

no i dont count my gf decking me cuz i made a dumb joke, but i feel like people who do have violence in their relationship should end it

[CrX3183]

I think it's ok for girls do hit a guys if they did something stupid because it's not like it's really gonna hurt you, unless it's at your face... Although when guys start hitting girls, that's a no no :angry:

[SunWuKong]

Originally posted by CrX3183@Aug 8 2002, 03:28 AM
I think it's ok for girls do hit a guys if they did something stupid because it's not like it's really gonna hurt you, unless it's at your face... Although when guys start hitting girls, that's a no no :angry:
uh... i don't think you should underestimate women's ability to inflict damage.

[karizma]

>> i dont really think its okay if a girl hits a guy when they seriously mean to inflict bodily harm...i mean most of the time when girls hit guys its to be cute or just messing around...but yknow once some chick starts decking a guy in the face or uppercutting their stomache its really not okay...

>> i get pretty violent when i fight with my guy friends...its always playful though...and ive got a fat bruise from the other night...but its all in good fun and at least i get my hits in too...its only okay cause yknow...we're just messin around man.

[artsfartsyjanet]

Thanks for bringing this topic up. I think it's very important to recognize when to recognize abuse and how to keep it from happening again. I've talked to many people who call in who were abused by their boyfriends, husbands, girlfriends, wives, classmates, parents, and so on.... It's a scary world out there sometimes, and it's easy to get lost and confused if you're IN the relationship instead of someone looking in a window on the outside. :) Whether people choose to recognize this issue or not, the disparity is always there. What's also difficult for many women who call in is that they sometimes blame themselves for the abuse. So, it's one big vicious cycle. if you or anyone you know is being abused in anyway (mentally or physically), you can always call your area's local crisis helpline found in your phone book somewhere under Important Numbers or something like that.... Or you can call a confidential national toll-free number at 1-800-784-2433.



<!--EDIT|artsfartsyjanet|Aug 15 2002, 12:14 PM-->

[blkazngirl]

Originally posted by artsfartsyjanet@Aug 15 2002, 06:12 PM
Thanks for bringing this topic up. I think it's very important to recognize when to recognize abuse and how to keep it from happening again. I've talked to many people who call in who were abused by their boyfriends, husbands, girlfriends, wives, classmates, parents, and so on.... It's a scary world out there sometimes, and it's easy to get lost and confused if you're IN the relationship instead of someone looking in a window on the outside. :) Whether people choose to recognize this issue or not, the disparity is always there. What's also difficult for many women who call in is that they sometimes blame themselves for the abuse. So, it's one big vicious cycle. if you or anyone you know is being abused in anyway (mentally or physically), you can always call your area's local crisis helpline found in your phone book somewhere under Important Numbers or something like that.... Or you can call a confidential national toll-free number at 1-800-784-2433.
When I was younger my ex boyfriend beat the crap out of me. At first I thought well I deserved it. I had dumped 1/2 ounce of cocain down the toilet.

I finally, had to realize that this was a toxic relationship and dumped the guy.

[angel nympho]

Yeah I got smacked around by an ex cuz he thought it was my fault I got pregnant. Jerk...

[kasia]

Originally posted by blkazngirl@Oct 10 2002, 03:24 AM
When I was younger my ex boyfriend beat the crap out of me. At first I thought well I deserved it. I had dumped 1/2 ounce of cocain down the toilet.

I finally, had to realize that this was a toxic relationship and dumped the guy.
drugs are often a factor in abusive relationships. also common is the feeling that the beating was well-deserved. mental manipulation definitely has its role.

i'm glad you dumped the guy. hopefully you realize that the problem was entirely his and not yours.

i think it's important that we, as females, are able to talk about abuse/domestic violence with one another. it helps us realize that we're not the only ones who have been stuck in such situations.

[mydnyht]

No. And, being the screwed up person that I am, I can totally imagine myself consciously getting into a relationship that I fully know will be abusive.
My dad tried to strangle me once, if that counts. And I *do* try and get people to whack me.
:unsure:

[deez nuts]

Originally posted by mydnyht@Oct 15 2002, 06:30 PM
No. And, being the screwed up person that I am, I can totally imagine myself consciously getting into a relationship that I fully know will be abusive.
My dad tried to strangle me once, if that counts. And I *do* try and get people to whack me.
:unsure:
Pardon? Kinda lost me.

[kimpossible]

Originally posted by mydnyht@Oct 15 2002, 03:30 PM
No. And, being the screwed up person that I am, I can totally imagine myself consciously getting into a relationship that I fully know will be abusive.
My dad tried to strangle me once, if that counts. And I *do* try and get people to whack me.
:unsure:
Would you like some information about domestic violence? I will gladly help you to some information if you say you do.

You are not provoking an attack. You have the right to live free of fear of violence. It is *not* your destiny to find abusive relationships with men because you have experienced abuse. There are some issues you will need to be aware of when looking at relationships, but it doesn't have to be your fate.

Let me know if there is anything I can do.

[kasia]

Originally posted by mydnyht@Oct 15 2002, 11:30 PM
No. And, being the screwed up person that I am, I can totally imagine myself consciously getting into a relationship that I fully know will be abusive.
My dad tried to strangle me once, if that counts. And I *do* try and get people to whack me.
:unsure:
that's a good point. stats show that those with abusive parents tend to end up in similar relationships when they grow up--with the males growing up to be abusers and the women victims. this is probably because they've come to believe that this type of behavior is normal. even if you aren't in an abusive relationship now, i would suggesting contacting a local domestic violence center to learn more about it--and also to learn to cope with what you went through as a child.

[mydnyht]

It was only ONCE. It's not something because I've been abused in my past... it's more or less problems with me having depression and being masochist and seeking another way to self-injure myself.

[angel nympho]

I've endured a good amout of abuse from people in my meager time on Earth. Mostly verbal and emotional, but my share of physical, as well.

A lot of abuse, though, I've done to myself. I went through a stage when I carved. An ugly habit, but thankfully, just a phase. Nobody can ever make you stop that kind of thing except yourself.

So I hear ya, mydnyht. A lot of times you get yourself into shit that people think you have no control over. But I know, at least with the whole cutting thing that happened to me, it's kind of a different form of control in your life.