Being a multiracial person in an interracial relationship

[rice cracker]

A bit of a ranty article, but I thought I would post it here. I thought there were some good points, and don't we all just love to talk about IR? :rolleyes: Just kidding.

Are You Dealing the Race Card? (http://www.tangomag.com/feature_fall05_interracial.html)

And here is my response to all of the people who stare at me when I am with my (Jamaican and Irish) boyfriend, Joshua. (While I hate mentioning his races as an appendage to his name, their relevance here is obvious.) …

And to all the people who tell him he likes me because of the Asian “submissive and obedient in daily life, exotic and freakish in bed” stereotype or that I like him only because of another stereotype: a particular endowment of the African American body…

And to all the people who tell us our kids will be hot (you may think it’s a compliment, but it really just perpetuates the “multiracial as exotic” fetish) …

We’ve heard it all before. You’re not being original.

[BeTheReds]

wouldn't all multiracial people's relationsips be interracial? (except if dating the exact same mix..)

[returntosender]

I didn't think that article was very original.

[Chad]

I think the author is a bit out-of-touch with regular people. She says:
Here is my plea to men: if you try to pick up a multiracial woman (or woman of color, for that matter) by asking what she is, she will assume you fall into that category of “men with a fetish” and shoot you down.
I find this somewhat laughable. Normal people don't operate on this level and this applies to muliracial people as well. Your average multiracial woman will gladly oblige the guy, regardless if he has a fetish or not, and allow the idiocy to progress. It will make her feel special and desirable. Lecturing a guy about objectifying women of color is not going to win her the goldenboy white bf/husband.
Sorry, somehow this came out much more bitter than I intended.

[rice cracker]

I think the author is a bit out-of-touch with regular people. She says:

I find this somewhat laughable. Normal people don't operate on this level and this applies to muliracial people as well. Your average multiracial woman will gladly oblige the guy, regardless if he has a fetish or not, and allow the idiocy to progress. It will make her feel special and desirable. Lecturing a guy about objectifying women of color is not going to win her the goldenboy white bf/husband.
Sorry, somehow this came out much more bitter than I intended.

What is your definition of an "average" multiracial woman? I happen to agree with what she said. Does this mean I'm somehow abnormal to your idea of what the average multiracial woman should be?

Please, men, let women speak for themselves before you tell us how we are and what we're supposedly after :rolleyes:

wouldn't all multiracial people's relationsips be interracial? (except if dating the exact same mix..)

In my opinion, yes. Or intraracial.

[AliBabaIncorporated]

Joshua and I won’t have the same cultural and religious struggles as my parents because while our races are different, our culture (American) is the same.
This is probably the ONLY time I've ever seen a multiracial person in print expressing the simple and harsh truth that having parents from different continents doesn't automatically turn you multicultural. All the others like to bloviate about their "unique heritage" ...

[Hiroshi2]

Aiya ya ya........................that shit is confusing.



So she's asian and her boyfriend's half black/ half white?


Her kids will be beige and look like Mariah Carey. End of story.


You can only talk about this IR dating shit for so long before you just get confused or tired, or both.

[Chad]

What is your definition of an "average" multiracial woman? I happen to agree with what she said. Does this mean I'm somehow abnormal to your idea of what the average multiracial woman should be?

It's wishful thinking that multiracial women will chastise men for objectifying them. It would be great if they would actually do that. But experience shows that this is a fantasy and that they will do the opposite. By "average" I mean common, usual, etc.
While we're on the internet in these forums it's easy to forget that most of the people that surround us don't share our views on these matters and are oppositional to us.

[rice cracker]

It's wishful thinking that multiracial women will chastise men for objectifying them. It would be great if they would actually do that. But experience shows that this is a fantasy and that they will do the opposite. By "average" I mean common, usual, etc.
While we're on the internet in these forums it's easy to forget that most of the people that surround us don't share our views on these matters and are oppositional to us.

And I think it's wishful thinking for you to believe you can get away with generalizing women in such an obvious manner. As has been said time and time again on this very forum, there can be no stereotyping of mixed people, especially mixed Asians, as there is simply not a great enough population to form generalities.

People I know in real life who are mixed (Asian or otherwise) do not like people with a fetish for them, and do not feel desireable or special when someone objectifies them. I agree that most won't verbally chastise someone for doing so, however they aren't welcoming of it as you seem to be implying.

I'm not saying that people who exotify themselves don't exist, but honestly, what you said is overkill and offensive to me, just as if I had said, "Multiracial men whine a lot."

[kimpossible]

I really felt her on the comment elevator-jerk made about "How did that happen?" in regard to her Chinese-Nicaraguan-English heritage. For that matter, I liked her rant. I can relate.

[Chad]

Well I apologize for offending you and I admit my comment was not very well thought-out. I'm happy to hear that you know quality people. I just have no reason to believe what the author says because it's contrary to my observations. This happens a lot while I'm reading things online and I believe it's the result of a constructed fantasy cyberworld where social justice exists and oppressed groups are making progress towards empowerment. In the past it was fun to immerse myself in this and play along with it. But there is always an awakening, either through an incident or just through the same old day-to-day issues that speak doom to me.

[kimpossible]

I find Chad exotic and wish to objectify him.

[rice cracker]

Well I apologize for offending you and I admit my comment was not very well thought-out. I'm happy to hear that you know quality people. I just have no reason to believe what the author says because it's contrary to my observations. This happens a lot while I'm reading things online and I believe it's the result of a constructed fantasy cyberworld where social justice exists and oppressed groups are making progress towards empowerment. In the past it was fun to immerse myself in this and play along with it. But there is always an awakening, either through an incident or just through the same old day-to-day issues that speak doom to me.

I hear (read?) what you are saying, and it's a process for me to come to terms when I do experience mixed people who like being exotic. We just have to remember that there are all kinds of mixed folks, and we can't let those that we disagree with color our perception of the population at large.

[Chad]

I can relate to this article because of what she's describing happens, for sure. I probably don't get questioned about it as much since I'm male and tend to give everyone a stink-eye automatically. But it comes up once in a while and at almost every job I've had. "How come you don't have a Mexican name?" etc.
I guess what I'm looking for is some answers to these problems that are not so unwieldy in conversations with normal people. The essays and articles that explain everything are great for those of us who understand and have some background in the subject, but for most of the people whom we interact with and consequently affect our lives the most, this is all "some bullshit college stuff." It's a complex bunch of messages to get across. It leaves me frustrated enough usually to just give people a simple "go fuck yourself" which just makes me look really defensive and bitchy.

[Anaestacia]

1) She tends to come across as whiny and the brief interjections, for ex. of the Lovings, detract from the tone of integrity of the article.

2) I see nothing wrong with the question "what are you?". Get over it. The reason why people ask is usually because they're curious. I don't see the sense in getting hypersensitive about it enough to bite the head off the elevator guy. I've dated two mixed people long term - in both cases ethnicity had little to do with the relationship as we were brought up in separate parts of the world.

In this regard, I was glad to see the distinction she made about similar cultural upbringings. - hers and Joshua's being American.

3) I feel this could have been worded more accurately:

The problem for couples in interracial relationships is people—specifically other people, who exert an external pressure.

I understand what she's trying to get at - The problem most interracial couples face is in dealing with others who impose external pressures and assumptions.

I'm stressing most because I dislike the way she attempts to speak for all mixed people. As far as I've read, she knows nothing about dating interracially outside of the American sphere.


4) Lastly, unless she's a brilliant satiricist whom the editor writing the introduction at the top has just completely misinterpreted, she's transparently hypocritical.

Who IS playing the race card?

We grew up without the rigidities of some cultures and without the prejudices of 40 years ago. Plus, we are both the multiracial children of interracial relationships; we’ve dealt with race our whole lives. Who then is better prepared to challenge racial politics in America?

[rice cracker]

^ A lot of people don't like being asked, "What are you?" I don't think you should speak for all mixed people and tell us it's not a big deal and to get over it. Thanks.

[AliBabaIncorporated]

The problem for couples in interracial relationships is people
This of course is in contrast to people in monoracial relationships, who have problems with small furry rodents and toaster ovens rather than people.

[Chad]

2) I see nothing wrong with the question "what are you?". Get over it. The reason why people ask is usually because they're curious. I don't see the sense in getting hypersensitive about it enough to bite the head off the elevator guy. I've dated two mixed people long term - in both cases ethnicity had little to do with the relationship as we were brought up in separate parts of the world.
I see something wrong with it in certain contexts. A negative reaction would be likely if I were asked this question by a complete stranger without any type of segway into conversation. I would wonder what reason they have for requesting this information, and what would they do with that information?
There is a difference between what she described and being asked about it by a friend or partner who wants to get to know more about you. It's just disturbing when someone who has no intention of getting to know you or anything else about you asks this question. This is a form of objectification.
"We're not in a museum and I'm not on display. Fuck off."
Although I think there is a difference between someone asking "what are you" and asking something more specific like "are you Chinese?" because the latter could mean that they're just trying to connect with you.

[Anaestacia]

^ A lot of people don't like being asked, "What are you?"

Out of curiosity, why not?

I see something wrong with it in certain contexts. A negative reaction would be likely if I were asked this question by a complete stranger without any type of segway into conversation. I would wonder what reason they have for requesting this information, and what would they do with that information?
There is a difference between what she described and being asked about it by a friend or partner who wants to get to know more about you. It's just disturbing when someone who has no intention of getting to know you or anything else about you asks this question. This is a form of objectification.
"We're not in a museum and I'm not on display. Fuck off."
Although I think there is a difference between someone asking "what are you" and asking something more specific like "are you Chinese?" because the latter could mean that they're just trying to connect with you.

Where is the line drawn between a "friend" and a stranger (potential friend) who finds something striking about you and just passes a casual question?

I can see where you're coming from especially if a mixed person is faced with or has had experiences being royally fucked over as a fetish, but in most cases I've only noticed that people get their hackles raised for an innocent question.

Are we so conditioned to believe we're "beautiful", "wanted", "desirable", "fetishizable" that we would jump down the throats of those who ask one question? I understand we come from different backgrounds but this absolutely reeks of conceit.

I actually find the article more damaging than it is helpful.

[rice cracker]

Out of curiosity, why not?


Probably because it's the verbal equivilant of slack jawed staring. It's rude to randomly blurt out, "What are you?" to a stranger. Or maybe some people don't like being singled out because they look different. Other people may find take offense at a perfect stranger getting all up in their space with personal questions that are really none of their business. Or they're sick of being asked that question. Or they're tired of explaining just how they came to be. Or they know that once they answer, they will usually be met with, "Oh, I thought you were/You dont' look/Oh, I knew a person who was/" and is frankly not interested in that conversation. Or the person is asking out of derison or being atagonistic. Or even asking out of some sort of erotic (and univited) curiosity.

There are many reasons that I've come across over the years as to why people don't like being asked. It's not for me to speak for all of them, but there's a few possibilities as to why some may not like it.

And, of course, there are those that invite inquiry and enjoy the attention. Since it's a matter of personal preference, I'm not going to tell them to "get over it."


I actually find the article more damaging than it is helpful.

Out of curiosity, why? Are we not to voice our concerns and issues with the "special" treatment so many of us receive?

[Anaestacia]

Probably because it's the verbal equivilant of slack jawed staring. It's rude to randomly blurt out, "What are you?" to a stranger. Or maybe some people don't like being singled out because they look different. Other people may find take offense at a perfect stranger getting all up in their space with personal questions that are really none of their business. Or they're sick of being asked that question. Or they're tired of explaining just how they came to be. Or they know that once they answer, they will usually be met with, "Oh, I thought you were/You dont' look/Oh, I knew a person who was/" and is frankly not interested in that conversation. Or the person is asking out of derison or being atagonistic. Or even asking out of some sort of erotic (and univited) curiosity.

There are many reasons that I've come across over the years as to why people don't like being asked. It's not for me to speak for all of them, but there's a few possibilities as to why some may not like it.

And, of course, there are those that invite inquiry and enjoy the attention. Since it's a matter of personal preference, I'm not going to tell them to "get over it."



Out of curiosity, why? Are we not to voice our concerns and issues with the "special" treatment so many of us receive?

I can understand if the question may be interpreted that way, and as I've mentioned, if such is the case that people have had negative experiences revolving around that one question, then I'd think it more natural that they're a little more wary. It still doesn't explain the vehemence or the kind of venomous bitterness I sense coming out of the article and this thread.

Perhaps I just don't think too much (nor care to think too much) about the ulterior motives of every tom, dick and harry who happen to pop the question. I can't imagine the majority of the mixed population getting worked up about it though I have come across a few (1 person to be exact) in real life who stiffened up considerably when I did ask her what her background was even though my appearance is obviously mixed as well. Should we then be so afraid to even ask each other this question?

I know quite a few mixed people - they're all pretty laidback. I've had some come up to me and ask also. I've had asians ask and caucasians. But mostly asians. They seem to recognize better. Are those who don't necessarily think it a big deal attention whores?

Perhaps I just don't see eye to eye. I don't get along well with people who become irritable with others who are only trying to understand them. I would ask (and have asked) the same question "what are you" to an east asian, or a south east asian. They seem to handle it just fine. I've asked middle easterners. The last one on Monday, yesterday actually. A very sweet and softspoken Iranian. I couldn't place her initially. Am I suddenly the bad guy? What makes you, or any mixed person for that matter, think that you're the only ones receiving this "attention"? This line of thought in of itself is what I find abhorrent.

I'm not proposing what is allowed to be said and what isn't. But I do find that article damaging in the sense that it perpetuates the conceited stereotype of mixed people as a whole, and in my opinion, what is actually a much ado over nothing. It is petty and paints mixed people in an unapproachable manner. If a mixed individual feels that it is necessary to speak out against such injustices, I'm happy for them. But I disagree with them, and most likely would never get along with them in real life.

[Chad]

Where is the line drawn between a "friend" and a stranger (potential friend) who finds something striking about you and just passes a casual question?

I can see where you're coming from especially if a mixed person is faced with or has had experiences being royally fucked over as a fetish, but in most cases I've only noticed that people get their hackles raised for an innocent question.

Are we so conditioned to believe we're "beautiful", "wanted", "desirable", "fetishizable" that we would jump down the throats of those who ask one question? I understand we come from different backgrounds but this absolutely reeks of conceit.

I actually find the article more damaging than it is helpful.
Do I really need to go into the definitions of "friend" and "stranger" ??
Look, an innocent question is fine on its own. Just like someone asking if you can spare an extra pencil is fine. It would become a problem if you got asked by 20+ people a day. Then you couldn't loan out pencils anymore because you'd run out and it would be a strain on your budget to keep replenishing your supply.
Explaining your existence to strangers over and over with virtually no payoff is a strain. It gets worse when one question leads to another, like "So where are your parents from? How did that happen?" and once their curiosity is satisfied they walk away. You didn't owe them anything but they got something out of you anyways.
Where I come from multiracial people are not characterized as especially desirable or beautiful. People assume that a multiracial person is the result of an accident. After some bad behavior on my part, a co-worker at a previous job said "see, you're an example of why races shouldn't mix."
I don't at all mind explaining it to friends or colleagues if they want to know, but I really don't feel any obligation anymore to justify my existence to strangers. It's their issue, not mine. There's this talk about the "issues" of multiracial people but in my experience, these are mostly the issues of people trying to cope and grasp "multiracial" who are often not multiracial themselves.

[Anaestacia]

Do I really need to go into the definitions of "friend" and "stranger" ??
Look, an innocent question is fine on its own. Just like someone asking if you can spare an extra pencil is fine. It would become a problem if you got asked by 20+ people a day. Then you couldn't loan out pencils anymore because you'd run out and it would be a strain on your budget to keep replenishing your supply.
Explaining your existence to strangers over and over with virtually no payoff is a strain. It gets worse when one question leads to another, like "So where are your parents from? How did that happen?" and once their curiosity is satisfied they walk away. You didn't owe them anything but they got something out of you anyways.
Where I come from multiracial people are not characterized as especially desirable or beautiful. People assume that a multiracial person is the result of an accident. After some bad behavior on my part, a co-worker at a previous job said "see, you're an example of why races shouldn't mix."
I don't at all mind explaining it to friends or colleagues if they want to know, but I really don't feel any obligation anymore to justify my existence to strangers. It's their issue, not mine. There's this talk about the "issues" of multiracial people but in my experience, these are mostly the issues of people trying to cope and grasp "multiracial" who are often not multiracial themselves.

It sounds like you're being attacked rather than asked. 20+ people a day is pushing it and I'm having difficulty believing this. Then again, I've not lived where you live. Why don't you ask questions too? It's not a one-way. Perhaps they got bored and walked away because you obviously looked peeved and expressed no interest in them either. I suppose some people don't like talking to random strangers. I personally find it rewarding. There's a lot to learn.

I'm sorry to hear about what your co-worker said.

[Chad]

Well I don't get asked the question 20+ times a day but I do get asked for pencils 20+ times a day. I was just using it as an example. We can extend a courtesy to someone if it is just a rare occassion but we can't do it routinely.
When I was younger I was more tolerant of this and always assumed people meant well. After a while I noticed that these types of conversations very rarely developed into any kind of friendship.
It is petty and paints mixed people in an unapproachable manner.
is the only way to approach a multiracial person to ask "what are you?" ?
how about "hi, what's your name?" instead? try it some time.

The problem I have with this type of approach is that it immediately racializes the conversation which will usually lead to either a hostile encounter or some gross exotification.

[rice cracker]

I can understand if the question may be interpreted that way, and as I've mentioned, if such is the case that people have had negative experiences revolving around that one question, then I'd think it more natural that they're a little more wary. It still doesn't explain the vehemence or the kind of venomous bitterness I sense coming out of the article and this thread.

I'm not seeing the perceived "venomous bitterness " that you are. I'm seeing righteous irritation, to be sure, but nowhere do I see anyone going batshit crazy about it. But you seem so shocked that people don't like being asked "what are you" that maybe the emotion seems higher than it actually is.

Or maybe you could chill out on the hyperbole.

Perhaps I just don't think too much (nor care to think too much) about the ulterior motives of every tom, dick and harry who happen to pop the question. I can't imagine the majority of the mixed population getting worked up about it though I have come across a few (1 person to be exact) in real life who stiffened up considerably when I did ask her what her background was even though my appearance is obviously mixed as well. Should we then be so afraid to even ask each other this question?

I don't think it always has to do with the wondering what the questioner's ulterior motives are. And I don't think every mixed person out there is annoyed with being questioned. I will say, however, that not everyone cares to discuss their race (perhaps even for some of the reasons I gave upthread) and that desire should be respected. You don't have to live in mortal fear of asking someone what their background is, but it would probably do the world at large good if people would exercise an iota of sensitivity when it comes to small talk.

I know quite a few mixed people - they're all pretty laidback. I've had some come up to me and ask also. I've had asians ask and caucasians. But mostly asians. They seem to recognize better. Are those who don't necessarily think it a big deal attention whores?

You can call them whatever you like. As I've said, reactions to The Question will vary. Just because Jane doesn't mind doesn't automatically mean that Jim feels so easily about it. Personally, I find there are better topics to chat about that steer clear of racial politics. But that's just me.

Perhaps I just don't see eye to eye. I don't get along well with people who become irritable with others who are only trying to understand them. I would ask (and have asked) the same question "what are you" to an east asian, or a south east asian. They seem to handle it just fine. I've asked middle easterners. The last one on Monday, yesterday actually. A very sweet and softspoken Iranian. I couldn't place her initially. Am I suddenly the bad guy? What makes you, or any mixed person for that matter, think that you're the only ones receiving this "attention"? This line of thought in of itself is what I find abhorrent.

I don't see the fascination with "placing" people into a racial catagory. Just curious, why do you feel the need to ask? What's so important about knowing the why's and how's of a perfect stranger?

I would like to point out that nowhere has anyone said that mixed people are the only ones who are asked "what are you," however, typically when the question is asked we are talking about the question that is more along the lines of "what are your parents" rather than "where are you *really* from."

This is an Asian American forum where we often see monoracial Asians discuss the "what are you" question. Granted, in this particular subforum we don't see it as much, but I would like to think the hapas participating also read the other threads. As for the author of the article, well, I can't speak for her.

I'm not proposing what is allowed to be said and what isn't. But I do find that article damaging in the sense that it perpetuates the conceited stereotype of mixed people as a whole, and in my opinion, what is actually a much ado over nothing. It is petty and paints mixed people in an unapproachable manner. If a mixed individual feels that it is necessary to speak out against such injustices, I'm happy for them. But I disagree with them, and most likely would never get along with them in real life.

You are entitled to your opinions, I personally didn't feel the article made us that much more "unapproachable" rather than it pointed out some glaring etiquette related judgment errors.

Why don't you ask questions too? It's not a one-way.

Not to speak for Chad, but I honestly rarely give a shit what people are. They look black, that's fine, they look white, that's fine too, they look mixed, neat. The only time it's my business what a person's race is is when they are harassing me because of mine.

[Anaestacia]

Well I don't get asked the question 20+ times a day but I do get asked for pencils 20+ times a day. I was just using it as an example. We can extend a courtesy to someone if it is just a rare occassion but we can't do it routinely.
When I was younger I was more tolerant of this and always assumed people meant well. After a while I noticed that these types of conversations very rarely developed into any kind of friendship.

is the only way to approach a multiracial person to ask "what are you?" ?
how about "hi, what's your name?" instead? try it some time.

I do. Thanks for the advice though.

The problem I have with this type of approach is that it immediately racializes the conversation which will usually lead to either a hostile encounter or some gross exotification.

Then at that point I walk away. I know what it is like. But up until before then, I'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt, and certainly not sprout bitterness about the issue nor proclaim it to be unique to mixed people exclusively.

[rice cracker]

The problem I have with this type of approach is that it immediately racializes the conversation which will usually lead to either a hostile encounter or some gross exotification.

I've had experiences like that as well. Like, once told they respond with, "Oh, that's why you're so good looking." Or, "ah, that's a good mix." WTF? What's a "bad" mix then? I've had more than one person start going off on the mixed people in their life, complete with detailed analysis of their appearance.

[Anaestacia]

You can call them whatever you like. As I've said, reactions to The Question will vary. Just because Jane doesn't mind doesn't automatically mean that Jim feels so easily about it. Personally, I find there are better topics to chat about that steer clear of racial politics. But that's just me.

Agreed. But we're usually talking about the situation when someone happens to ask the question.

I don't see the fascination with "placing" people into a racial catagory. Just curious, why do you feel the need to ask? What's so important about knowing the why's and how's of a perfect stranger?

If the start speaking to me, and I'm curious, I ask. Most of the time no one analyzes it to death, they ask too. It's not necessarily a racial category, it's identifying cultures as well. Am I not permitted to ask because merely asking is offensive? I don't buy it for one second, and 99% of the people I've spoken do don't really give either.

It's not important in that I MUST know. Gosh, it's just one question out of many such as "nice purse. where did you get it?" Most of the time the "where did you get it?" is more a question of "what brand IS it". Sure, people will feel more comfortable saying "where are you from" as opposed to "what are you" but for pete's sake the latter was what they were most likely curious about just as much. Again, perhaps you are different and look into it differently.

I would like to point out that nowhere has anyone said that mixed people are the only ones who are asked "what are you," however, typically when the question is asked we are talking about the question that is more along the lines of "what are your parents" rather than "where are you *really* from."

Out of curiosity, why? Are we not to voice our concerns and issues with the "special" treatment so many of us receive?

What exactly *were* you meaning by "the special treatment so many of us receive"?

It was implied here that mixed people receive this "special" treatment, "special" being unique to the mixed. That is how I interpreted it.

Not to speak for Chad, but I honestly rarely give a shit what people are. They look black, that's fine, they look white, that's fine too, they look mixed, neat. The only time it's my business what a person's race is is when they are harassing me because of mine.

Again, it's one question out of many. It's not THE question.

[rice cracker]

If the start speaking to me, and I'm curious, I ask. Most of the time no one analyzes it to death, they ask too. It's not necessarily a racial category, it's identifying cultures as well. Am I not permitted to ask because merely asking is offensive? I don't buy it for one second, and 99% of the people I've spoken do don't really give either.

Well, obviously it is offensive to some people, and your inability to grasp this is taking over this thread.

It's not important in that I MUST know. Gosh, it's just one question out of many such as "nice purse. where did you get it?" Most of the time the "where did you get it?" is more a question of "what brand IS it". Sure, people will feel more comfortable saying "where are you from" as opposed to "what are you" but for pete's sake the latter was what they were most likely curious about just as much. Again, perhaps you are different and look into it differently.

Haha, now you just sound nosy. "Nice purse, where did you get it, and what are you?" Actually, I think you misunderstood what I was saying, which was the difference between how mixed race and monoracial people are asked, "what are you."


What exactly *were* you meaning by "the special treatment so many of us receive"?

It was implied here that mixed people receive this "special" treatment, "special" being unique to the mixed. That is how I interpreted it.

"Special" is in "quotations" because I meant it "sarcastically." As in, people taking "special" interest in our "special" mix of races.

Again, it's one question out of many. It's not THE question.

It's the question you seem so keen on discussing. I think you've made your point that people of all walks are welcome to come up to you and have deep discourses about your ethnic background. And I've made all the points I'm going to make on why I and others are allowed to disagree. So it looks like this horse is now dead.

[Anaestacia]

Well, obviously it is offensive to some people, and your inability to grasp this is taking over this thread.

Actually I find it amusing that my response, which hasn't aligned with yourself nor others, is now regarded as an "inability, taking over this thread." I responded because I was responding to the article. Naturally it turned to responding to yourself and Chad because you both feel similarly (and quite strongly I might add) to the author. I do not, and I refuse to be pushed aside simply because I'm the only one who feels this way apparently on this board.

"Special" is in "quotations" because I meant it "sarcastically." As in, people taking "special" interest in our "special" mix of races.

The "special" interest certainly wasn't sarcastic. It's what this whole thread revolves around. Individuals like yourself who aren't too happy with curious inquiries. This is what I was targetting. That special interest is far from exclusive to mixed people. That it is regarded as so strikes me as unapproachable and conceited. I'm not judging you or anyone else here. I don't know any of you. It's only that point of view that I dislike. Just my opinion.

It's the question you seem so keen on discussing. I think you've made your point that people of all walks are welcome to come up to you and have deep discourses about your ethnic background. And I've made all the points I'm going to make on why I and others are allowed to disagree. So it looks like this horse is now dead.

So discussion conveniently closed? Wherever have I pointed out that others aren't allowed to disagree? It's not a matter of voice we're arguing about. I thought it was a discussion about certain points of view.

Also, no, that was not my point. When I mentioned it was one question out of many, not *the* question, I was outlining that deep discourses about ethnic background usually AREN'T the case. It's merely one question.

[Chad]

Look at it this way: people don't normally ask each other right off the bat, "How often do you clip your toenails, and do you paint/polish them?" The information being requested with these questions probably couldn't be used in a harmful way but it's a bit strange to ask for it right away. The subject being asked the question might wonder why that was the first question, and more importantly, what does this question tell about the inquisitor?
Some people won't have a problem giving the information away and won't give it a second thought. Others may consider it intimate information reserved for friends and pedicurists. Someone who asks that question right off the bat is either conducting research with a survey or is a possible foot fetishist.
If a person is asked this question by various strangers in various situations over a long period of time, what will they think? 1) my foot grooming habits are important to certain people 2) there is something about me which attracts these people
We can't know if either of these conclusions are true, but this is what can occur. A paranoid personality would go further to conclude that 3) there is an organized, concerted effort to harass me about my foot grooming habits.
This reminds me of a guy I used to know who had some type of skin deformality of a dark-purple patch on his forehead. He had gone through life with people always asking, "get some painting done?" He had a t-shirt printed that read: "No, that's not paint on my forehead." Even worse is a girl I know who has a permanent black eye! It was not the result of an injury, she just has a dark patch underneath her left eye. Everywhere she goes, people look and pity in silence. "Poor girl, her boyfriend/dad/husband/whatever must be an asshole!"

[pikachupacabra]

Sorry to chime in here, and as a "monoracial" person my perspective is probably skewed (but multiracial chinese!), but what usually irks me about someone asking me what my racial background is that it seems to imply that they don't know how to relate to me without knowing, that somehow, they will get a better "feel" for me, or know what to say to me if they know my ethnic and racial background. It shouldn't matter! It's as if they are waiting to prejudge me with that statement.

Might as well walk up to me and ask "What's your stance on this very touchy subject? I need to know in order to figure out how to talk to you".

[rice cracker]

Actually I find it amusing that my response, which hasn't aligned with yourself nor others, is now regarded as an "inability, taking over this thread." I responded because I was responding to the article. Naturally it turned to responding to yourself and Chad because you both feel similarly (and quite strongly I might add) to the author. I do not, and I refuse to be pushed aside simply because I'm the only one who feels this way apparently on this board.

Oh please, you have repeatedly refused to see any point but your own, which you *also* feel quite strongly about. Stop acting like Chad and I have some agenda towards you, we've merely given you responses (which, it was rather easy to presume you wanted since you posted some strongly worded statements in your original post) as to why we feel the way we do. Which you, naturally, take offense to and keep on posting about.

And I would hardly say that anyone has tried to "push you over" because you disagree, in fact, I have stated over and over again the basic point of different strokes for different folks. Being as you can't grasp this (there, I said it again!), you keep posting how we shouldn't feel the way we do because you think it's conceited.


The "special" interest certainly wasn't sarcastic. It's what this whole thread revolves around. Individuals like yourself who aren't too happy with curious inquiries. This is what I was targetting. That special interest is far from exclusive to mixed people. That it is regarded as so strikes me as unapproachable and conceited. I'm not judging you or anyone else here. I don't know any of you. It's only that point of view that I dislike. Just my opinion.

So now you are a mind reader? I repeat, that this is an Asian American forum and this issue has been discussed amongst monoracial members here. I think you are just a wee bit defensive because you often take a "special" interest in the race of others. And guess what, many monoracial Asians dislike this type of attention as well! Gosh, how did I ever know that since I persist in acting as though the world revolves around mixed people! Really, you shouldn't assume so much about people you yourself say you don't know.

Individuals like myself who aren't too happy with curious inquiries have just as much a right to that opinion as you have to yours. And just like you, when we disagree with other points we give our reasons why. Which you don't seem to take very well and then accuse us of being conceited and venomous.

NOBODY said you can't have your opinions, but you can't rightly say you aren't judging at all. The construction of your arguments has been consistantly themed around your perception that mixed people are overreacting to this question when you believe it just Shouldn't Be So And By God They Must Be Told This With Much Condescension. Incidentally, I happen to think you are overreacting to this very thing.

So discussion conveniently closed? Wherever have I pointed out that others aren't allowed to disagree? It's not a matter of voice we're arguing about. I thought it was a discussion about certain points of view.

Also, no, that was not my point. When I mentioned it was one question out of many, not *the* question, I was outlining that deep discourses about ethnic background usually AREN'T the case. It's merely one question.

Your hyperbole in regards to reactions of people who dislike casual investigation into their backgrounds really implies that you find such responses negative and unacceptable. I happen to take offense that you outright said the participants of this thread are displaying "venemous bitterness" towards questioners, when really, it was a personalized response you yourself created.

A lot of mixed people don't like being asked. As you would say, get over it.

[Anaestacia]

Look at it this way: people don't normally ask each other right off the bat, "How often do you clip your toenails, and do you paint/polish them?" The information being requested with these questions probably couldn't be used in a harmful way but it's a bit strange to ask for it right away. The subject being asked the question might wonder why that was the first question, and more importantly, what does this question tell about the inquisitor?
Some people won't have a problem giving the information away and won't give it a second thought. Others may consider it intimate information reserved for friends and pedicurists. Someone who asks that question right off the bat is either conducting research with a survey or is a possible foot fetishist.
If a person is asked this question by various strangers in various situations over a long period of time, what will they think? 1) my foot grooming habits are important to certain people 2) there is something about me which attracts these people
We can't know if either of these conclusions are true, but this is what can occur. A paranoid personality would go further to conclude that 3) there is an organized, concerted effort to harass me about my foot grooming habits.

I utterly agree and can see where you're coming from. There are varying levels of reacting to such a question. And when explained from that perspective, I understand how a person might feel if they were constantly faced with that question. They develop a complex. As you put it yourself, it might translate to paranoia. Thank you for acknowledging this. At the same time I also can see how people who have been faced with these questions, just tend to turn a blind eye and are desensitized. Yet another reaction, I suppose.

It's that paranoia that I was mentioning stikes me as conceited a lot of the time. Having said this, I'm sure that many individuals most assuredly aren't conceited as a whole.

I can accept that people are uncomfortable with the question and I'll be respectful of it (as I have been). But I'm not ashamed to admit that there have been cases like the one girl I asked who absolutely was clearly uncomfortable that I asked. I apologized afterward either way. To her, I might have been an asshole for even uttering the words. To me, I saw her as a cold and really.. for lack of a better word, anal.

This reminds me of a guy I used to know who had some type of skin deformality of a dark-purple patch on his forehead. He had gone through life with people always asking, "get some painting done?" He had a t-shirt printed that read: "No, that's not paint on my forehead." Even worse is a girl I know who has a permanent black eye! It was not the result of an injury, she just has a dark patch underneath her left eye. Everywhere she goes, people look and pity in silence. "Poor girl, her boyfriend/dad/husband/whatever must be an asshole!"

Do you mean to illustrate the other extreme where nothing is said, and the obvious is ignored? I agree otherwise, that in this case it can be a bit uncomfortable especially if we're talking about the above. I have a friend who was born without half of one arm and she mentioned that the silence is even more insulting than the lack of questions. You put it pretty well in any case, "pity in silence", and that's what they hate most.

Perhaps if in a very homogenous environment, a mixed or minority individual can feel very strongly alienated so much so that they feel like a deformity themselves. Maybe I'm using the wrong words? Feel free to correct me. If I were in this case, hypothetically, honestly, I would rather someone ask questions... than "pity in silence", or awkwardly gawk behind my back or from afar in ignorance.

___
ricecracker, I see you can't let the "get over it" go. I apologize if it was highly offensive. On the contrary, you're the only one who's getting defensive. I really have nothing else to say to you but thank you for posting this article. I do take offense to the oversensitivity because I find myself faced with it a lot amongst mixed people online (and not much offline. strange.) and I feel that it paints a very inaccurate and unwarranted sweeping statement especially when the author of that article claims to speak for ALL mixed people.

[rice cracker]

___
ricecracker, I see you can't let the "get over it" go. I apologize if it was highly offensive. On the contrary, you're the only one who's getting defensive. I really have nothing else to say to you but thank you for posting this article. I do take offense to the oversensitivity because I find myself faced with it a lot amongst mixed people online (and not much offline. strange.) and I feel that it paints a very inaccurate and unwarranted sweeping statement especially when the author of that article claims to speak for ALL mixed people.

Bwuh? Ok, I admit, I don't like it when people decide it's ok to point out how conceited, venemous and unapproachable they think perfectly valid responses are, while at the same time making their own conceited, venemous and unapproachable comments to support their own opinions. I accept this about myself.

[nmffnurse]

Hi havent' read through all the postings, just hear and there. I'm also in the same boat as excerpt- I am half filipino/white, and to be even more exact- also Native American on my white side -1/8. My husband is half black/white and 1/8 Cherokee on his black side. Hated when i was pregnant people would always say we'd have a really hot kid.

Totally changed when I actually had my baby and I suddenly noticed how my son was treated differently than another asian women who had a child with a white man.

As for challenging racial politics in America that someone brought up just because they are in an interracial relationship....

That's disregarding everything certain fullblooded blacks, whites,asians, native americans did in regards to changing racial policy when you make a statement like that. I am interracial.So is my hubby. My child is many races but this does not make us experts in any way,shape or form.

[returntosender]

Yeah, Asians like to ask your race so they can 'break the ice' with you. Annoying as hell. I was buying coffee this one time and the lady behind the counter (indonesian) went through several ethnicities trying to guess mine before I told her I was Viet. I just wanted a medium paradiso to go.

And a girl I use to work with, she was Viet, would ask EVERY single asian what their ethnicity was. It killllllls.

[sweetmilk]

I don't know, I don't get offended by people asking "what I am" in a curious way, because it doesn't happen to me as much as it did when I was a kid, and while it doesn't always lead to anything, I sometimes like it for the same reason I'm often guilty of asking it myself - because it can lead to an interesting conversation about culture, or what I/they am/are really hoping for - culture in common and common cultural experiences to share.

That aside, I understand how it can get annoying, and that having the question demanded of you is an entirely different thing in itself.