Geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez

[mydnyht]

After reading that post about high-maitenance women, I've been really freaking out.... it occured to me that I am emotionally high-maitenance, especially for someone my age. Normally, it wouldn't worry me much, because I'd just be in one of my depressed moods thinking "Well, I'll never get a boyfriend or girlfriend anyway so it's not a problem". The only thing with that is, to my deep surprise, I recently got hooked up. He says it doesn't bug him, but it bugs me............... I mean, come on, normal 14-year-olds shouldn't have to be putting up with their friends being stuck in psych wards and having weight problems and cutting and being depressed and snappy like I am... right? :cry:

[himura-dono]

if it makes you feel better, i was on my 5th suicide attempt by your age.

[mydnyht]

I think about suicide alot, but I've never really tried it... my closest attempt would probably be taking 3,000 mg of IB Profen, and tons of Bayer asprin.

[deez nuts]

Originally posted by mydnyht@Nov 2 2002, 05:15 PM
I think about suicide alot, but I've never really tried it... my closest attempt would probably be taking 3,000 mg of IB Profen, and tons of Bayer asprin.
Relax you're young, you don't have to worry about it for awhile. Are you still on Effexor?

[angel nympho]

I think everybody thinks their problems are worse than everybody else's. Not saying yours aren't bad or anything... I honestly believe that it's perfectly normal to think you're problems are incredibly BEYOND normal.

I just don't think ANYBODY has a normal childhood.

If it makes you feel better, I was cutting at 14; verbally, physically, and mentally abused at 15; raped at 16; addicted to cocaine at 17.... Yeah and those aren't the problems I even think about on a day to day basis.

[karizma]

>> what i wonder is if it ever really helps when people tell you about their problems when you are busy worrying about your own.

>> there are people worse off than you, no doubt. but that doesnt change the fact that youre going through what youre going through. you cant rewire your brain to automatically believe that "hey...maybe my problems arent so bad and i should lighten up"...cause that aint the way it works. and people will always try to understand what youre going through and even say they do but they dont and never will because they arent you. dont ever let anyone tell you how you should feel cause no one has that right.

>> being normal? who the hell knows what normal is anymore? to me...people who act like they dont have problems are weird. everyone has issues they have to deal with, just some have it harder than others. i used to be pissed [and still am a little] about the shit ive been put through since im so damn young and when youre young youre supposed to be protected from the evils of the world right? well yea its bs...but theres nothing you can do but just suck it up and live through it all...and suicide is NOT a goddamn option...i read somewhere that people who attempt suicide fail because they realize at the last moment that theyd rather live...dont fuck yourself up =/

>> sweety your guy chose to be with you despite all your problems so just let him...its his decision whether he wants to stay with you or not. you shouldnt worry about changing yourself. be sure he's supportive and dont let him take advantage...

>> oh man i sound like a mom...but yea mydnyht if you ever need anyone to talk to feel free to PM me or iM me...

[Saiko]

Well, apparently the normal 14 year old you're thinking of is somewhere in some happy far off land. Either that, or you've got a lot of hella lucky kids around you. Besides, doesn't matter if your problems are normal or not, they're still problems. I get pissed off when people tell me that my problems are normal and that I'll get over it. I've attempted suicide before. I've been cutting since 11 (it's so tiring to always think up excuses for your cuts), and it's dying off now but I'm still fighting the urges when I'm down. I'm chronically depressed. I find myself physically and mentally inadequet. I've been emotionally abused for as long as I can remember. Fortunately, nobody knows about this side of myself except for my closest friends. Everybody else thinks I'm perfectly fine. But I feel sorry for my friends. It's always, "Please don't do that, Mags" and "I care about you, man, don't think like that." My boyfriend probably has it the hardest time with me. I often feel really bad for venting so much.

[angel nympho]

My bad. Hope my post didn't come off sounding like I think your problems are normal or whatever. Just meant to say that even if you think your problems are hella bad, your boyfriend might not see them as something that takes away from who you are. Don't worry, just be glad that he's there for you. He's with you for YOU, not for the way you handle your problems.

[igcognito]

Originally posted by mydnyht@Nov 2 2002, 09:50 PM
I mean, come on, normal 14-year-olds shouldn't have to be putting up with their friends being stuck in psych wards and having weight problems and cutting and being depressed and snappy like I am... right? :cry:
well actually my one girlfriend ended up in one after a suicide attempt.

[amietron]

friends do not "put up" with you because they have to. they do it because they want to. they do it because they care. maybe he's your angel. i'm sure you've heard this song before: lean on my when you're not strong, and i'll be your friend. i'll help you carry on. for, it won't be long til i'm gonna need somebody to lean on.

although i will not elaborate on my own problems, aurora, if ever you need someone to talk to or any help at all, anything, let me know. if you care enough to have my number, i'll PM it to you.

[mydnyht]

Originally posted by Chasiubao_Boy@Nov 2 2002, 11:08 PM
Are you still on Effexor?
I think I'm supposed to be taking it, but I haven't been... I'm not sure. My psyciatrist is a jerk.

[mydnyht]

Thanks, guys. :blush: You're all real sweet, and its great to have people like you around.

[artsfartsyjanet]

If you want to talk to someone confidentially with a trained crisis worker, do not hesitate to call the Hope Line Network... I know it sounds like the Psychic Network, but I assure you it's not. =) These are trained crisis workers who will actively listen to you about the things going on with and around you. It's not easy to just talk to someone whom you don't know, but it's a good way to talk to someone who isn't there to give you their judgments like your friends and family would. It's objective and confidential.

You can either look in the emergency/crisis hotlines in your area through a phone book or call 1-800-SUICIDE.

[artsfartsyjanet]

To all of you who admit to your suicidal tendencies and other traumatic experiences, I commend all of you for sharing your thoughts. It's not easy, but it's a reality for many people to think that suicide is a tempting option...in some ways seen as the only option out of the misery life can seem to be. I can not tell you that I know how you feel because, well, I don't exactly because everyone's story tends to be different. When I was 15, a friend of mine committed suicide by overdosing. It was the first time I tasted what it's like to lose someone in such a tragic way. Like any one who loses someone, my grief lasted for years. I didn't believe she killed herself, was my first reaction. Then, I was angry she killed herself for doing such a selfish act. Then, I blamed myself for her death (for not being a good enough friend... for not talking to her more often on the phone...whatever reason). I never really cried until I wrote a poem about her in my high school freshman lit class. I broke into tears in front of my entire classroom because that was when I knew how much I had lost someone because apart of myself had also died with her. Keep in mind that I was 15, barely trying to understand the complexities of life. And to be honest, my life growing up wasn't "Leave It To Beaver" or "Happy Days" either, and because my friend made it such an obvious option for herself to take her life... I felt that way too when I was 17. My reason was my parents for not listening, believing, pressuring, for whatever reason. I overdosed too with over-the-counter medication.... And after I had realized the implications of completing such an action... an action that could have sent me to the hospital, I immediately sought for help from a clinical social worker (God Bless those people). My first voluntary visit to the clinic was the most difficult, but I think getting support from a professional as well as making healthy choices ... as well as finding the friends who are accepting and supportive helped me to patch up the grief as well as the way I viewed myself and the world. I honestly think I live differently now than I did over 6 years ago. For example, I used to be SOOO FRIGGIN NEGATIVE ABOUT MYSELF, and I ALWAYS had a hard time accepting others' compliments b/c i would think that I didn't deserve such comments. It's a self-esteem problem. Before I could accept or like others, before I could be fulfilled or satisfied by what others say or do for me, I had to learn how to accept myself and praise myself for what I do. I had to LEARN how to be fulfilled and be satisfied by what I do besides always being this perfectionist who always thinks, "what I have now isn't good enough." Being negative is learned. Negating the negative or just being/accepting the positive is also learned. I didn't learn to be positive. So every time I caught myself being negative or comparing myself to others, I combat these feelings twice as hard by thinking of the positive. It's not easy, but it's one way that helped me build my self-esteem. Of course, depression can be chemical. Fortunately, I didn't need the medicine to help me because I wasn't chronically depressed, but I was anxious. Anxiety was a killer for me. It's a lifestyle change for me that helped. If you need the medicine to help, then let it be your choice. Don't let anyone tell you that you aren't enough of something. Plus, I had to learn that I couldn't control what other people think. Now, I could care less if someone thinks less of me for having had suicidal tendencies or any other reason. They are the ones who don't understand. They're the ones who push people to the edge (whether it's intentional or not). All of those people now, I believe, are not even worth my time because I have people to see, places to go, and things I need. People here enjoy my company, need my services at work, and need my intervention to facilitate a discussion or intervene during a dispute in a student organization I run. The hardest part was knowing where to find it-- this fulfillment, this worth-- and if I'll ever find that sense of purpose, but little did I know that it was right under my nose. :)

[angel nympho]

Suicide was a really big possibility in my mind when I was younger. I think I looked at things a little differently than most people, though. I was always really hard on myself, I thought I didn't deserve anything in life. My ex-boyfriend had me convinced that I was a piece of dirt that just needed to be punished more than anything else. So I didn't wanna turn to suicide because I thought that it would be too easy. I thought I deserved to be in pain. Suicide, for me, was the easy way out --the chicken way out. I believed that I deserved something worse than death: to lay in the bed I made for myself.

Damn. I'm glad I decided to punish myself rather than commit suicide. Turns out that time really does heal...

[artsfartsyjanet]

Originally posted by angel nympho@Nov 3 2002, 08:53 PM
Suicide was a really big possibility in my mind when I was younger. I think I looked at things a little differently than most people, though. I was always really hard on myself, I thought I didn't deserve anything in life. My ex-boyfriend had me convinced that I was a piece of dirt that just needed to be punished more than anything else. So I didn't wanna turn to suicide because I thought that it would be too easy. I thought I deserved to be in pain. Suicide, for me, was the easy way out --the chicken way out. I believed that I deserved something worse than death: to lay in the bed I made for myself.

Damn. I'm glad I decided to punish myself rather than commit suicide. Turns out that time really does heal...
What do you mean punishing yourself? Ride out the pain you mean? I just want clarification because reading that line was open to interpretation (at least for me). =)

Of course, I'm sure someone's reading my long ass comment earlier and thinking, "oh great...she's out of the rut. wooptie doo.... I'm still stuck here." I realize that people are in different angles in their perspective on life.

Folks, remember, that thoughts of suicide are usually temporary, and often, these thoughts come from the ills of society, of other people, or from a chemical imbalance that is out of their control. Like I said, I commend all of you for telling your stories. As for people who are going through hard times now, please consider finding some kind of help from someone who is trained to help you work out a way to free you from your pain.

And also, helping yourself isn't a quick-fix. You can just pop a pill and expect life to come back to you. It's a progressive and learned phenomenon. Like angel said, time can heal the wounds even if you're barely hanging by a string.

[angel nympho]

Originally posted by artsfartsyjanet@Nov 4 2002, 02:04 AM
Originally posted by angel nympho@Nov 3 2002, 08:53 PM
Suicide was a really big possibility in my mind when I was younger.  I think I looked at things a little differently than most people, though.  I was always really hard on myself, I thought I didn't deserve anything in life.  My ex-boyfriend had me convinced that I was a piece of dirt that just needed to be punished more than anything else.  So I didn't wanna turn to suicide because I thought that it would be too easy.  I thought I deserved to be in pain.  Suicide, for me, was the easy way out --the chicken way out.  I believed that I deserved something worse than death: to lay in the bed I made for myself.  

Damn.  I'm glad I decided to punish myself rather than commit suicide.  Turns out that time really does heal...
What do you mean punishing yourself? Ride out the pain you mean? I just want clarification because reading that line was open to interpretation (at least for me). =)

Of course, I'm sure someone's reading my long ass comment earlier and thinking, "oh great...she's out of the rut. wooptie doo.... I'm still stuck here." I realize that people are in different angles in their perspective on life.

Folks, remember, that thoughts of suicide are usually temporary, and often, these thoughts come from the ills of society, of other people, or from a chemical imbalance that is out of their control. Like I said, I commend all of you for telling your stories. As for people who are going through hard times now, please consider finding some kind of help from someone who is trained to help you work out a way to free you from your pain.

And also, helping yourself isn't a quick-fix. You can just pop a pill and expect life to come back to you. It's a progressive and learned phenomenon. Like angel said, time can heal the wounds even if you're barely hanging by a string.
To me, allowing my life to go on was "punishing myself." I didn't want to live anymore 'cuz I thought all I did was hurt people, and I was just always in the way. I was definately going through a lot of pain, and I thought to end the pain I was feeling would be like chickening out. So I kept suffering. And that was my "punishment." I used to think that I didn't even deserve to die. I deserved to live and be hurt and get treated like shit.

Eventually, I needed a way to cope with the shit I was going through, and I started with the cutting. When I felt like I was going numb to the world, it was the only thing I could think to do. Only a little bit, and I didn't do it very often. Sometimes it just felt really good to be able to feel.

[amietron]

i think you should write a book or screenplay.
thanks for sharing, kb.

[artsfartsyjanet]

Thanks for sharing KB. As attention deficit as I perceive myself to be, I was able to read your forum to the last drop. Take care and exhale. :P

[artsfartsyjanet]

Originally posted by angel nympho@Nov 3 2002, 09:10 PM

To me, allowing my life to go on was "punishing myself." I didn't want to live anymore 'cuz I thought all I did was hurt people, and I was just always in the way. I was definately going through a lot of pain, and I thought to end the pain I was feeling would be like chickening out. So I kept suffering. And that was my "punishment." I used to think that I didn't even deserve to die. I deserved to live and be hurt and get treated like shit.

Eventually, I needed a way to cope with the shit I was going through, and I started with the cutting. When I felt like I was going numb to the world, it was the only thing I could think to do. Only a little bit, and I didn't do it very often. Sometimes it just felt really good to be able to feel.
So are you saying that in your current lifestyle, you are still living with the pain,
or do you think you've passed this chapter of your life? Do you still cut yourself
in order to remind yourself that you are still living, or have you found other alternatives
of coping other than to use self-inflecting behaviors?

As for me, when i was around 17 or 18, i remember feeling numb. I remember very well how realistic my nightmares were... you'd probably question my sanity if I told you how bizarre and random they were, but then again, aren't most dreams random and bizarre? Anyway,
ooops...gotta go.. sorry. someone's calling. i'll be back.

[angel nympho]

Originally posted by artsfartsyjanet@Nov 4 2002, 05:13 AM
Originally posted by angel nympho@Nov 3 2002, 09:10 PM

To me, allowing my life to go on was "punishing myself."  I didn't want to live anymore 'cuz I thought all I did was hurt people, and I was just always in the way.  I was definately going through a lot of pain, and I thought to end the pain I was feeling would be like chickening out.  So I kept suffering.  And that was my "punishment."  I used to think that I didn't even deserve to die.  I deserved to live and be hurt and get treated like shit.  

Eventually, I needed a way to cope with the shit I was going through, and I started with the cutting.  When I felt like I was going numb to the world, it was the only thing I could think to do.  Only a little bit, and I didn't do it very often.  Sometimes it just felt really good to be able to feel.
So are you saying that in your current lifestyle, you are still living with the pain,
or do you think you've passed this chapter of your life? Do you still cut yourself
in order to remind yourself that you are still living, or have you found other alternatives
of coping other than to use self-inflecting behaviors?

As for me, when i was around 17 or 18, i remember feeling numb. I remember very well how realistic my nightmares were... you'd probably question my sanity if I told you how bizarre and random they were, but then again, aren't most dreams random and bizarre? Anyway,
ooops...gotta go.. sorry. someone's calling. i'll be back.
I'm past it. I'm happier now. Hate to say it, but I eventually found my lifeline through drugs. Getting over drugs was a lot easier than getting over what happened to me when I was younger.

[atyc]

Mind telling us how you got over drugs??? Could be useful for some.......I don't do drugs myself (never did) but I always hear people say, once you are hooked, you are gone....

[mydnyht]

Originally posted by artsfartsyjanet@Nov 3 2002, 09:57 PM
I know it sounds like the Psychic Network, but I assure you it's not. =)
Didn't Mistress Cleo or whatever the heck her name is get in legal trouble cuz she charged people when they were on hold and they didn't know? Lol...

[angel nympho]

Originally posted by atyc@Nov 4 2002, 11:57 PM
Mind telling us how you got over drugs??? Could be useful for some.......I don't do drugs myself (never did) but I always hear people say, once you are hooked, you are gone....
Took a look around at my life, took a look around at my friends... realized that I'm the only one of them with a chance to go to college... realized that I'm the only one of them with parents who were worried about the road I was going down... realized that I actually HAD a chance to do better, but I blew it. After I didn't get into college because of drugs, I decided it was time to stop. I didn't quit entirely, but, trust me, I'm way under control now. I used to be dropping pills, cutting lines, bumping k, or some shit like that at least once a day. Now I just do it on occasion, when it's convenient, and when I don't have to pay money for it. And I don't crave it anymore.

I think I just learned my lesson after I gave myself time away from my friends. I had to spend a few weeks out with a cousin of mine (my parents sent me away) to help her take care of her kids... and I kinda realized how stupid I was being. I couldn't imagine her daughter or son going through the same things I did, and it scared me that there was a very real possibility that in 10 years or so, they could. I always had the thought in my head, when I looked at some of the people I associated with (and still sort of do), that I could do a lot better than they could, that I was smarter, that I was just... better. I know it sounds like a shitty thing to think about your friends... but I always knew that I would grow up and do something good with my life, or at least I thought I would. And I didn't see my friends going anywhere. Nobody had any ambitions, nobody had any goals, nobody could even get a fucking job. So I figured, I had to decide if I was one of my friends, or if I was better than them. They all supported me in this, they all told me that I could be better, and that I was stupid for fucking up the chances they never had... so I took their advice, and decided to enroll in school. I'm a better kid now. :)