My life

[nicknick]

Sorry I just wanted to get this off my chest. This may be an inappropriate place, but I want to write this some place.

I get frustrated a lot about the way I look. I am a man, half filipino and half white. I have a short face and big eyes. I look kind of like a permanent brown child. Occasionally I have looked on the internet to see if there is anyone who shares my ...curse..or whatever it is. To this day though I have never met anyone who looks remotely like me. Usually what I find is a bunch of proud half asian people who exist in a white world. I have no such background. I was raised in a hick town called San Bernardino by a white mother. I have no relation to whatever asian filipino creatures created me. All asian people seem to have this parachute of support, even though they look funny, they have a crowd of supporters and a culture, a heritage. I am like an alien who was dropped off in white USA. My town, San Bernardino, is full of pick-up trucks and rednecks. Of course they were also my only friends. I was just the strange one. There were plenty of mexicans around, but I didn't REALLY look like them and I had none of their culture. Aside from that my mother was incredibly racist against mexicans. That didn't help my esteem much either. I consider myself ugly. I don't know what filipino is really, whenever I meet other filipino people they seem nice enough, but I am a hick from the desert. I find it easier to date asian girls because they are more accepting of me, but I relate to white girls. I am even somewhat racist myself which is even more terrible. I am one of the worst things god shat out, completely misplaced and with a white complex. I would not wish my life upon anyone. I have experienced every form of racism from both sides and been the victim of countless times. White people like other white people. Believe me, I know. I want to marry a white girl. I hope my children look less 'filipino.' Just the idea of dating a filipino girl is repulsive to me. It would be like giving in. I'm not a fucking filipino person god damnit. I don't know their food, I don't know their fucking country, and I don't want to. I am a man who comes from no where. I have no race, I was blessed with a problem, like a big fucking wart on my head or a deformation and my life is about getting over it.

On a side note. The older I get, the worse it gets. Now I don't have my old white friends everywhere I go. Now when I meet new people I always have to PROVE I have a white culture to hang out with white people OR I could be squestered with asians and mexicans who have entirely different backgrounds (read: I will end up in a corner either way unless I act like a clown and get people to like me). I am so tired of it, I am so tire of it. Socializing is not FUN it's a job and it takes a lot out of me.

Lately I've been working out a lot. I'm thinking that if I get really buff maybe I can use that as an identity. In any case congratulations to all you other mixed breeds. I'm glad your all so proud. It's not always that way. Maybe I'll write a fable about a mole who had to live with swans or something like that. Only at the end the mole is still a mole and no one like him.

-Nick

[returntosender]

Interesting post Nick, and welcome to the fold.

I have a lot of opinions on mixed people and other stuff as well, but right now I can't articulate them. Thanks for sharing anyway.

[Arex]

I hope my children look less 'filipino.' Just the idea of dating a filipino girl is repulsive to me. It would be like giving in. I'm not a fucking filipino person god damnit. I don't know their food, I don't know their fucking country, and I don't want to. I am a man who comes from no where. I have no race, I was blessed with a problem, like a big fucking wart on my head or a deformation and my life is about getting over it.

Sorry to hear you feel this way about your ethnic heritage. Not coming from a mixed background, perhaps you can enlighten me as to why being born mixed, in and of itself, should ever be considered such a "problem" that it must somehow be overcome. Is there any particular reason why you loathe your Filipino heritage to the point that you feel you must fight it? (You said marrying a Filipino girl would be like "giving in.") Do you think you would feel differently if you were 100% Filipino yet still raised in San Bernardino?

P.S. - Welcome to yellowworld!

[thaite]

'sup dude.

[returntosender]

There's a notion flying around that mixed marriages are the result of people who are so in love with each other that they choose to see beyond the other's background and love the qualities of that person as an individual. It's a very romanticised concept but more often than not, upon hearing the stories of mixed kids, particularly asian/white, that it's hardly ever the case. What's worse is that the kids they bring into this world are no better at being upstanding, non-prejudiced individuals as everyone else. This utopian view of racial harmony through racial mixing I'm discovering, to my dismay, is false. We're not yet at the point where we can accept people as just people.

[kasia]

moving to the hapa forum.

[BeTheReds]

Moving to the self introduction forum...

[Chad]

Nick,
Let me first say that you're not the only one. I've met people like you. Well, I mean people in a situation similar to your own. Their Asian parent is long gone, for whatever reason, and they're left with a white parent in a white town. Or some of them are full-blooded Asian adoptees raised in a totally white environment. People look at them and think Asian ethnic, while the only culture they've ever known is white. These people probably don't frequent these forums as much because they have less reason to.
I can relate to your post a lot, even though my situation is a little different. My Chinese father is still around (they never divorced or separated) but we lived in an area where there was virtually no Chinese population to speak of. As a younger person I was never really interested in knowing about where he came from or what it was like. Why should I have been interested? It wasn't going to help me succeed in the culture we lived in! Later as a young adult I realized that I had actually picked up some of his habits, behaviors, traits, etc. and when I moved to an area with both more ABC kids and Chinese FOBs, I realized that these things I picked up from my father were cultural things. I hadn't ever questioned them before. But like yourself, I socialized mainly with white kids when I was younger.
You will learn to not hate yourself or any part of you. It seems that your complaint is that your racial identity (internal) doesn't match your racial phenotype (external), and this creates a disparity between the way you think of yourself and the way other people think of you. You feel very lonely in this.. and for good reason. You're not confused about who you are; your post reveals your racial identity very clearly, but others probably think you are confused. Yes, it sucks. My advice to you is to get comfortable with being ambiguous to other people and if you can, move to an area with a lot of different ethnic groups where you won't stick out quite as much but perhaps still with some rural (or "hick") culture in reach where you can go to feel at home.

-Chad

[Meki]

Umm... I'm so sorry that you have to deal with all that. I really wish I had some insightful advice to give but unfortunately, I do not. I grew up in Texas where there weren't very many Asians but then by the time I entered high school, there was a sudden influx of Asians. So I didn't have to go through anything close to what you have to deal with. However, I can certainly understand the isolation you must feel. I hope you do continue to post on this forum and perhaps find some solace in the fact that there are people here to give you support and encouragement if you need it. Even though it may only be via the internet. Well either way, I sincerely wish you the best and welcome to YW.

[nicknick]

wow, I can't believe how understanding you guys have been. Most people I figured would think I was just starting a flame. I can assure you I am not proud of the way I feel. I just needed to be honest somewhere and this looked like as good a place as any. I always feel like everyone gets me wrong. Everyone thinks I'm sooo weird, but I'm not, I'm just trying to cope. Believe me, I have an over developed sense of humor that rocks. You want to hear a joke?? Why do white people suck??? !Because most white men are pale and thin and I can beat the crap out of them, not to mention much less intelligent!!! Isn't that funny! Other than the strange way I look, I'm fantastic.

As an answer to Arex. I don't want to call it my 'heritage' rather, my inheritance. Heritage has such a positive and cultural connotation. I don't think I have a 'heritage.' To me, having a heritage means having a dish, and a side, and a special shoe. Heritage means you get to speak a cool language and no one knows what youre talking about. Heritage means you have relatives who are on you side. People who look like you in your corner. I don't have that. I don't have filipinos jumping around in the background cheering me on. If I do, they are 1,000 miles away in Hawaii and its way too late to start pretending I'm one. I am Nick. I'm 24 and by now BELIEVE me, I've learned to be whatever this is. It's terrible, it's a lot of work. I'm my own team, I have to be my own freaking army. I have to stand up to a room of white people or black people or mexicans. FUCK white people, FUCK black people. Go HIDE IN YOUR HERDS.... the names NICHOLAS when you come after me. I have to have a backbone you can't dream of. I'll kill everything When my turn comes, I fight the hardest, I am the strongest, I have to be the strongest. It is the only road for me. AAAAAHHGHDFKLDJFLD

That's my heritage Arex, to look small and little. To look like a little boy. If I don't rip your throat out first, I'm nothing to you. Poor Nick, looks like a little kid. You know how white people get to grow up and then one day they look old. I never do, I like got to be 14 and then stayed that way.... .People say oh, what a blessing. No it's not a fucking blessing. A blessing is when girls look at you and think, there's a man, look at him, he looks like a man. Is there an icon with fangs on it I can put here

[ahsingjai]

You should move to a city where it is diverse.

I've met plenty of mixed asians. A white guy whose actually half chinese that speaks cantonese. Or I see a black guy with a fro speaking some rough cantonese or a white guy that is half viet speaking viet. du ma du ma du ma.....

But since you seem to hate your asian side, what happen to your dad?

[tapestrybabe]

I grew up in Texas where there weren't very many Asians but then by the time I entered high school, there was a sudden influx of Asians.
correct me if i'm wrong...
but i heard from somewhere...
a lot of koreans decided to
choose to live in texas as opposed to LA...
due to the racial tension that was brought
on by the LA riots...
and i hear now that in texas...
due to the growing population of koreans...
that they actually created an airline...
from texas that goes directly to korea...

****
anyways, in regards to the new member...
welcome to yw... :smile:

[Chad]

That sounds right. You can find communities like that in the cities.. Houston, east Dallas, Plano, Richardson. I think Richardson has the highest % of Asians in the state, with a whopping 11%.

[nicknick]

I live in LA, I think it is worse here for me. Since there are so many mixed people white people are even more on gaurd. Also people tend to pigeon hole me even more quickly into a race that I'm not (which is all of them). I think I might feel better in some all white town in colorado or some place. Maybe I would get some respect there. I think my main problem is I look much more latin than asian. People don't mistake me for asian, they think I am mexican. This is a problem because white people in southern california, where I live, have lots of issues with mexicans. A lot of white people see mexicans as sub-human here. It took me years not to think this way myself. I hope I don't feel this way anymore. Anyway I'm going to europe for the summer, maybe since they don't have as many mexicans I will get some relief.

[pikachupacabra]

I live in LA, I think it is worse here for me. Since there are so many mixed people white people are even more on gaurd. Also people tend to pigeon hole me even more quickly into a race that I'm not (which is all of them). I think I might feel better in some all white town in colorado or some place. Maybe I would get some respect there. I think my main problem is I look much more latin than asian. People don't mistake me for asian, they think I am mexican. This is a problem because white people in southern california, where I live, have lots of issues with mexicans. A lot of white people see mexicans as sub-human here. It took me years not to think this way myself. I hope I don't feel this way anymore. Anyway I'm going to europe for the summer, maybe since they don't have as many mexicans I will get some relief.


It's not just LA man, you're in one of the real armpits of the LA area...i would never wish San Bernardino on anyone. The only place in Cali that i can think of that's worse is probably bakersfield. If i had to choose between hell or bakersfield, I'd slit my wrists on the spot.

Anyways, I'm sorry dude. It's tough to find your identity and a place where you feel comfortable, secure, and confident for everyone, but it sounds like you have it especially worse. keep your head high, be confident in your abilities and yourself, don't let the man get you down, and most of all, find people who you can bring close to you to relieve the burden. Look online, or look around your area for youth groups, Hapa forums, etc. Good luck!

[cheapfujianese]

Damn man, you sound really fucked up. And no, I don't want to be in your situation. Wish I could give you some magic potion to fix your problems, but sorry man, I don't know what you're going through, where you came from and what you've experienced.

What I do know however, is that you need to just make do with what you were given in life. Also, the world is much larger than what your simple existence has told you. Perhaps the reason why you feel the way you do is becuase you've only lived in racist, institutionalized America. Maybe you need to travel and get away to another country. It seems that your biggest problem is that you are very sensitive to being pigeonholed in a racial category, when your actual identity is White. I think the best place for you to be is in Europe. There, they won't know who you are and they wont automatically categorized you as Mexican, not that they would even have strong impressions on how Mexicans are supposed to be. When they get to know you, they'd think of you as the "American guy", and you may get dates with hot European white girls who may be curious about dating an American guy or knowing about America. I think that would be a good remedy for you, at least temporarily, just to get some more life experience and a better understanding of the world. Also, most importantly, getting out of the bitter hellhole that you seem to have been surrounded by all of your life.

Hey man, I thought some of what you said was pretty shitty, but at least you were honest. I hope you find a better place, go to Europe.

[tapestrybabe]

this thread seems too indepth...
with discusion and what not...
for a mere intro...
i know, its been moved
from one forum to another...

gonna give it a shot tho...
and just move/copy this to
histories, traditions and disaporia...
this thread dealing with identity issues that i suppose
relates with the asian diasporia experience...

http://forums.yellowworld.org/showthread.php?t=24473

****
in regards to the new member...
welcome again...

[ahsingjai]

I live in LA, I think it is worse here for me. Since there are so many mixed people white people are even more on gaurd. Also people tend to pigeon hole me even more quickly into a race that I'm not (which is all of them). I think I might feel better in some all white town in colorado or some place. Maybe I would get some respect there. I think my main problem is I look much more latin than asian. People don't mistake me for asian, they think I am mexican. This is a problem because white people in southern california, where I live, have lots of issues with mexicans. A lot of white people see mexicans as sub-human here. It took me years not to think this way myself. I hope I don't feel this way anymore. Anyway I'm going to europe for the summer, maybe since they don't have as many mexicans I will get some relief.

You know it isn't what others think, if they mistake you as a mexican, it is up to you to correct them. If you don't, you let them get to you. You gotta start building up your self-esteem about your roots. Just because you lack your filipino culture, doesn't mean you aren't part filipino. You will only feel better about yourself when you accept who you are and live life like you should. It is ok if you reject your culture, but you gotta be proud of yourself in order to fully reject something. Maybe if you learn some tagalog or maybe just accept your white background and accept what you are, you will become a happier person.

If someone looks down on you, and you show how little and insercure you are, you will only make them feel superior.

[nicknick]

Thanks for being so understanding. I am pretty fucked up. I think cheapfujianese is right. I need to get out of southern california for a while. Maybe I will buy a house in Romania. Maybe I'll post here or something to tell what people's reactions are to me in other countries.

[SunWuKong]

alright, please refer to this thread:

http://forums.yellowworld.org/showthread.php?t=24474

closing now. (tapestrybabe - feel free to re-open it if you feel it should be kept opened)