Advice for parents of mixed children

[kimpossible]

If someone were to come to this site looking for advice on how to raise mixed Asian children, what would your input or advice be? Please frame your responses, such as "As an Asian I would recommend...," "Having been a mixed Asian child/hapa/*insert descriptor here* myself, I would say..."

Use your superpowers for good and please only post practical advice. This is one thread that I will edit.

[SunWuKong]

raise them in asia!

hahha ok i guess i don't qualify to give any advice on this because i'm not mixed and i don't have any children. but i think if i were to marry a non-asian girl, i would raise my children in asia.

[AliBabaIncorporated]

Remind the kid that the only way he can take advantage of being mixed and actually call himself to be "multicultural" is to learn to interact with members of his heritage cultures as a native would - acting like a native and speaking the language a native would. But conversely, parents should also remind their child that there's no shame in only knowing how to survive in one or the other of your heritage cultures, as long as you don't try to claim you're a member of an ethnie whose members you don't know how to interact with and whose culture and language you don't understand.

Culture is a set of shared social protocols. Kids who are inclined to see it as something different for the purpose of self-aggrandizement should be reminded that acquiring lots of useless trivia-type knowledge about your ancestral cultures, fetishizing the celebration of every minor festival, joining in every ethnic gathering, and impressing onto every poor soul you meet the fact that your parents come from two different races doesn't make you multicultural, it makes you annoying as all hell.



<!--EDIT|AliBabaIncorporated|Sep 10 2002, 06:24 PM-->

[achtungbaby]

Originally posted by AliBabaIncorporated@Sep 10 2002, 10:16 AM
Kids who are inclined to see it as something different should be reminded that acquiring lots of useless trivia-type knowledge about your ancestral cultures, fetishizing the celebration of every minor festival, joining in every ethnic gathering, and impressing onto every poor soul you meet the fact that your parents come from two different races doesn't make you multicultural, it makes you annoying as all hell.
I guess it's kind of like someone who's just found religion, and they're practically begging to tell you and your entire neighborhood block about it.

So to add to Alibaba's cautionary tale against form over substance: the most anyone can hope for is the best of intentions, I guess. Don't shy away from the possibility of hurting a child's feelings, thereby burying touchy subjects under the rug...be open.

[angel nympho]

Just love them and give them hugs and make sure they know they are cared for. Who cares if they're mixed. If they know they're loved, they know who they are.

[thaite]

Teach them about their ethnic/racial background, but tell them they don't have to be pressured into putting one ethnicity over another; don't chastise them if they do.

Make them understand that they don't have to take shit from people on either side of the ethnic fence who can't accept them for who they are.

[digiaks]

as a hapa I would say just bring up the child they way you think is best. I would not make race a big deal and only bring it up if the child asks.

[Zendo]

Being "mixed" myself, I would recommend parents to encourage an open-minded attitude towards their roots. My parents are second generation “Asian” with roots carried down in the form of books.

Having been raised in the western world, my knowledge of “Who I am” has been assumed. Assumed under impermanent western labels and western ideas. Yet, once the question was asked, “Who am I?” only then did I open my mind to seek with-out/in what I already knew.

I hate to sound too abstract, but by sincerely exploring all cultures on the level of the heart, and not just their own, one may awaken to the nature of their own identity.

In short, encourage an open mind to all cultures and perspectives.

Peace, :)

[jare2003]

Being half Chinese/German myself, I dealt a lot with the mixed-race issue growing up, especially growing up in areas that were very white and homogenous (Kentucky, and small cities in Pennsylvania, and Texas).

In response to an earlier poster, 'race shouldn't be an issue', but unless the hapa kid is growing up in a really racially diverse place like SoCal, Hawaii, or New York City, it's going to be an issue.

I would urge the parent to make sure neither culture is minimized, and to make sure the kid is equally proud of both cultures. They'll take quite a bit of shit growing up for being mixed (I certainly did), so make sure they're ready for it.

Although, being mixed is certainly going to be much more common in this upcoming century. Wasn't there a Time article on this (in the US and how being hapa is trendy in a lot of Asian countries?)

[Hiroshi2]

I kinda wish I had more influence from my mother's (asian) side. I don't speak my asian language (japanese) and I rarely, if ever, see any of her relatives.

[BeTheReds]

Either way, don't try to push onto your child what you think they should be or how you think they should act in certain situations.

Let them explore it themselves, because you will really never be able to fully relate to how they feel, as it is an experience that you have never gone through.

[Hiroshi2]

Originally posted by BeTheReds@Dec 12 2002, 08:28 PM
Either way, don't try to push onto your child what you think they should be or how you think they should act in certain situations.

Let them explore it themselves, because you will really never be able to fully relate to how they feel, as it is an experience that you have never gone through.
Amen!

[Faithless]

Originally posted by Hiroshi2@Dec 26 2002, 10:38 AM
Originally posted by BeTheReds@Dec 12 2002, 08:28 PM
Either way, don't try to push onto your child what you think they should be or how you think they should act in certain situations.

Let them explore it themselves, because you will really never be able to fully relate to how they feel, as it is an experience that you have never gone through.
Amen!
But there shouldn't be a problem with introducing both cultures if they are a strong part of the both parents.

If there is a revolt against either culture from the child, don't be afraid to deal with it.

[BeTheReds]

Don't guide the children into believing that they are special or multicultural.

[AkiraKodi]

Just love them and give them hugs and make sure they know they are cared for. Who cares if they're mixed. If they know they're loved, they know who they are.

I agree completely, but add: Take them to Hawaii! :cool: And take them while they are still young. Any concerns about who and what they are will be taken care of there. ALOHA

[hapakristina]

Don't guide the children into believing that they are special or multicultural.

i definitely agree that parents shouldn't make their children feel that they're superior as a mixed child over lets say a monoracial child.. however, they are multicultural and they should learn and grow to appreciate both of the cultures that help to make up their individual culture.

[BeTheReds]

i definitely agree that parents shouldn't make their children feel that they're superior as a mixed child over lets say a monoracial child.. however, they are multicultural and they should learn and grow to appreciate both of the cultures that help to make up their individual culture.


I agree in cases where multiculturality actually is present. Many people mistake race for culture. Sometimes they coincide, but often they do not.

[SynRG]

I think parents of hapa children should do their best to make sure their child is getting an equal representation of both cultures, at least at home. This includes teaching and speaking to the child in both languages. I say this because my parents didn't do that and actually conciously made the decision to raise me more "American" than Vietnamese. Also we were living in Asia, so I think maybe my dad was worried I was going to lose my "Americanness" or something. I don't really know to be honest.

Either way, all it really did was cause me to recieve alot of flak from my Viet relatives about not being able to speak Viet, which made me in turn push them away. Now even though things are much better with them, I'm not really that close to them, and that kinda bothers me.

Environment outside of the house however also has a huge affect on kids, and if possible, parents of hapa children should try to raise their kids in the more diverse areas where they would be free to explore both sides outside of the home. Luckily I was able to get that, so I didn't grow up completely 1-sided.

[BeTheReds]

I think parents of hapa children should do their best to make sure their child is getting an equal representation of both cultures, at least at home. This includes teaching and speaking to the child in both languages.


What if the parents are both monolingual 3+ generation Americans?

[SynRG]

What if the parents are both monolingual 3+ generation Americans?

Well I guess if both parents are monolingual then it's really quite impossible. Otherwise I'd be speaking German. ;) (I now realize what you were getting at with the difference between multi-racial and multi-cultural).

Most of the hapas I grew up with though were bi-lingual though and the ones that weren't had the hardest time fitting in within both cultures (like me). Also most of them had an immigrant parent, so I guess it's dependent on the demographics of the situation.

If the household is multicultural (the parents come from two different cultures, not just two different races), however, I think the child should be too.

[BeTheReds]

If the household is multicultural (the parents come from two different cultures, not just two different races), however, I think the child should be too.
Well I think the child should be given every opportunity to do that, but nothing should be forced upon him/her. No matter how hard you try, even with 2 parents of the same race and culture, kids will usually grow up to fit into the culture of the place they were raised in.

Just as, no matter how much I claim to be Korean and all, I've still lived in MD, speaking English for most of my life.

[Icepak]

Teach the children how to respond to/handle ignorant comments made by people. It is a given the mixed child will experience bullshit from people of both sides. I have many mixed friends who got shit from everyone. Also, I think it's important that the parents decide if the child is even in the right environment. Someone mentioned earlier that certain areas are less tolerant/understanding of kids of mixed heritage than in some other places (more metropolitan type areas). If you are hickville or the ghetto where the people around you are just plain ignorant, get the hell out of there!

[asvenus]

agree with most of the points being made on here...particularly about encouraging the children to be as open minded as possible to not only their two cultures/'races' but to all other ethnicities and people. people often assume that mixed race people will be more tolerant, but often we feel pressured into some kind of 'proving game' with so-called pure or mono ethnic people that we end up adopting and perpetuating negatvie (even racist) stereotypes about other people to prove our alliance with or sense of belonging to the ethnic group that surrounds us...hence why some of us come across as 'annoying' and taking claiming one side of our heritage to the extreme...
you have to remember that being mixed, partic if female (i think), leads to ALOT of insecurities and unanswered questions so as a parent all you can do is give them a strong, grounded upbringing and encourage their enquiries and open mindedness...but then again, parents of ALL children should be like this so... :wink:

and icepack i know wot youre trying to say but often times people in the 'ghettos' are the most tolerant people of all...i find 'Black' people to be the most accepting (generally) of all other 'races'...far more than Whites and farrrrrr more than Asians

[rice cracker]

From the Mavin Foundation:

Multiracial children and families represent America's future. In 2000, for the first time, Americans could identify as multiracial on the U.S. Census. Seven million people—half of them children—did so. In California, Oregon and Washington State, more multiracial babies are born than any other race except Caucasian infants.

In 1997, the Office of Management and Budget (OMB) mandated that all federal agencies comply with the Census 2000 multiple race directive by 2003. This would require federal agencies to recognize and track multiracial youth for the first time. Since a limited number of small agencies already track multiracial youth, we have a glimpse of what is to come in 2003. For instance, according to an Oregon children's alliance, multiracial youth are the fastest growing population entering the juvenile justice system.

We believe that a comprehensive, agency-wide review next year will uncover similar disturbing trends. Given the exponential increase of multiracial births in the United States, coupled with the chronic shortage of resources addressing their unique developmental and social needs, we believe that federal agencies will be unprepared to meet the needs of multiracial youth without the educational resources provided by our Multiracial Child Resource Book.

Using the historic Census 2000 data as a foundation, The MAVIN Foundation’s 35-chapter Multiracial Child Resource Book will comprehensively educate parents, educators, social workers and policy makers about America’s multiracial youth. Our goal is to educate parents and professionals so they can foster nurturing family settings, school curriculum, and diversity training for our nation’s millions of multiracial children and youth.


http://www.mavin.net/Res_Book.html

[asvenus]

the thing i find interesting about all this is the fact that NOW being 'multiracial' is an accepted way to define yourself and is actually being used in ethnic monitoring forms creating this false notion that it is such a 'new' phenomenon, when really it has been happening for CENturies but was just hidden, ignored and not statisticised (<<dont know if thats a word..its late..im tired!!), thus making 'race-mixing' appear non-existent....that just really ticks me off...

[rice cracker]

I've found another nice tidbit from the mixed media watch xanga about raising multi-racial children.

Retirement Notice: An Open Letter for Parents Discussing Multiethnic Kids and Families

SLJ (a new MMW contributor!)

In light of the recent books out there about raising multiethnic kids, and reflecting on my own upbringing in the 1970s and 1980s as a biracial child, I offer the following:



Dear Parents:

Perhaps you are part of a multiethnic family, are raising a mixed child, or are monoethnic and teaching your children about ethnic diversity. No matter where you live, your children are going to recognize and experience diversity of all kinds, ethnic and otherwise. In the interests of moving forward, I ask that the following phrases and concepts be officially RETIRED:

1) Best of Both Worlds

Very often, mixed children are told that they are the best of both worlds.?Which begs the question, which worlds are we talking about? Mars and Pluto? It may have seemed in the not-so-distant past that a parent raised in Taiwan and a parent raised in Brooklyn, NY must come from different worlds. But in truth, similarities as well as differences bring people together. The phrase implies that the parents worlds are naturally separate and inviolate, and that some kind of cosmic collision caused the birth of the child. We have only one world, and it's feeling smaller every day.

Of course, every parent thinks of their child as the best one out there. But we often tell our mixed kids that they are rare, unique, uncommon, and therefore the best. Please know that it may not be as reassuring as parents intend. For me, the phrase simultaneously promoted a sense of isolation AND superiority, two attitudes mixed children cannot afford to have. Instead, let's focus on heritage, honest history, and similarities.

2) Daddy is Chocolate and Mommy is Vanilla.

Between DQ's recent MooLatte beverage, and chocolate milk and ice cream analogies, I've become Lactose-Intolerant. This phrase is usually used for children who are of European and African descent. In the literal mind of the very young mixed child, food analogies are confusing. For an older child able to understand that physical traits are inherited from both sides of the family, the analogy teaches them very little. Generally there are two versions of this, usually demonstrated at snack time. In the first demo, one parent is chocolate ice cream, and the other is vanilla ice cream, and the child is a spoonful of both. The resulting taste is usually that of a milder chocolate ice cream. Please think about that for a minute. The second demo involves pouring chocolate syrup into plain milk, resulting in chocolate milk.

Both ideas promote the idea of one-droppism. If there is some chocolate in the mix, the taste is usually chocolate: the more syrup, the darker the milk. Not only does this analogy not help Hispanic, Asian, or Native American heritage at all, it doesn't really explain skin color genetics for ANY family. It also doesn't stop a mixed child of a medium complexion from assuming his darker-toned sister has more chocolate heritage than he does. It may help instead to find a color spectrum showing ALL skin tones present in people, to show that human skin color is not about white and black, but merely shades of brown.

3) Differences don't matter! People matter!

And people with differences? what? We have to ask ourselves what we mean when we say this to kids. The phrase is usually trotted out when a child makes an observation about a peer, be it skin color, hair texture, disability, eating habits, etc. The phase also tends to shut down communication, and tell the child that observing differences is WRONG. Some kids may even make the leap that the difference is whatis wrong. Others may notice how uncomfortable their parents get and feel uncomfortable too.

Kids are not born skin color-blind. They are color-neutral. They will notice a difference in another person, but they won't attribute a negative or positive connotation until their parents or peers do. Pretending that a difference doesn't exist, or that it won't factor in a child's life, is naive. However, demonstrating to a kid that differences don't have to define who you are is important, both to accepting their own individuality, and to seeing that individuality and uniqueness in other people.

Mixed Media Watch: http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=mixedmediawatch

[asvenus]

:wink: oh god i want to find this person and make love to them..now!! teehee well thank them in some really grateful way at least!! teehee...no2 is classic, that vailla/chocolate bullshit is enough to make me want to throw up....thanks ricecracker i was looking for some info like this actually..very handy

[nonamerasian]

Oh, wtf. I love the food names.

I haven't said the your mom's chocolate / your father's vanilla thing, but I have used food to describe complexions--Vanilla, sweet carmel, and rich chocolate.

As well as using other objects..."sunlight" or "moonglow."

I'm not teaching genetics. It's just a description.

[Deadpool]

"If you look remotely Asian you're Chinese period."

[asvenus]

Oh, wtf. I love the food names.

I haven't said the your mom's chocolate / your father's vanilla thing, but I have used food to describe complexions--Vanilla, sweet carmel, and rich chocolate.

As well as using other objects..."sunlight" or "moonglow."

I'm not teaching genetics. It's just a description.

no no..this is cool..i do that..i think most people do too..like people say brown sugar or caramel or buttersctoch etc etc..thats quite cute..what isnt is what the article is talking about....using those analogies marignalises anyone of a mixed background that doesnt claim white parentage AND assumes that 'mixing' only goes on between 'white' and 'black' people (typically w woman and b man :rolleyes: )
also it does reinforce ideas of one drop rule and creates essentialist identities for people of mixed backgrounds..
like one of my friends is mixed but looks white and she tortures herself because she hasnt got the 'right' amount of 'chocolate' in her skin tone..it gets silly you see..and then theres me..ive got lots of 'vanilla' tone in my skin but not because im mixed with 'vanilla' so again it starts to make no sense...it also reminds me of the whole 'melting pot' analgogy and i for one think that is a myth...why not explain to the child exactly what is going on rather than trying to dance around it..argh i dunno :frown:

[RangerX]

If someone were to come to this site looking for advice on how to raise mixed Asian children, what would your input or advice be? Please frame your responses, such as "As an Asian I would recommend...," "Having been a mixed Asian child/hapa/*insert descriptor here* myself, I would say..."

Use your superpowers for good and please only post practical advice. This is one thread that I will edit.

In a Inter-Racial relationship between a White Person and a Non-White Person, my suggestion to the White Parent is to:

-do not lie to the child(s)

-do not withhold constructive information from the child(s)

-show and tell the child(s) which White People mistreat Non-White People on the basis of Color and which White People do not mistreat Non-White People on the basis of Color + What to Say and Do and what not to Say and Do in order to counter-Racism and promote Justice and Correctness at all times.

-RangerX
RWSWJ

[Chad]

Don't make your child feel like they should have to choose between one race or the other. Don't ever insult your spouse on account of their race or culture.
Help them out when they reach the age where people may begin asking "where are you from?" because they will probably get asked that a lot and the question usually leads to more questions.

[BeTheReds]

Don't listen to only one hapa when you are getting advice, it is best that if you are going to look to hapas for advice on raising a hapa, you'll need to talk to as many as possible. If possible try to find ones who grew up in a situation most similar to the situation you see yourself in. (yes, that includes findnig ones who grew up where you plan to live, who are the same ethnicity as you and your spouse, etc etc.)

[asvenus]

Don't listen to only one hapa when you are getting advice, it is best that if you are going to look to hapas for advice on raising a hapa, you'll need to talk to as many as possible. If possible try to find ones who grew up in a situation most similar to the situation you see yourself in. (yes, that includes findnig ones who grew up where you plan to live, who are the same ethnicity as you and your spouse, etc etc.)


i agree that it is necessary to ask more than one persons experience but why do you think its as important to find someone who you think is living a similar experience to you...im just asking because wierdly enough the one person i feel connects and adequately describes my situation adn provided much needed expression and validation of my experience as a mixed heritage person when i was growing up is ethnically full Chinese and grew up in Canada most of her adult life!!

[BeTheReds]

why do you think its as important to find someone who you think is living a similar experience to you...im just asking because wierdly enough the one person i feel connects and adequately describes my situation adn provided much needed expression and validation of my experience as a mixed heritage person when i was growing up is ethnically full Chinese and grew up in Canada most of her adult life!!


Well basically, only because it is more likely that someone could give you more relevant advice if the situation is more similar. Although even people in the most similar of situations seldom turn out the same way. I and my brothers are totally different in how we identify and how the world identifies us.

Basically, I'm saying, the advice from a hapa might not necesarily help you at all, because hapas don't know how to raise hapas.

[Napoleon Chynamite]

Well basically, only because it is more likely that someone could give you more relevant advice if the situation is more similar. Although even people in the most similar of situations seldom turn out the same way. I and my brothers are totally different in how we identify and how the world identifies us.

Basically, I'm saying, the advice from a hapa might not necesarily help you at all, because hapas don't know how to raise hapas.

Your advice could also easily apply to any other group, not just hapas. If you want to know how Chinese people feel towards a certain issue, it's probably better to ask more than one (or two)~

[asvenus]

Well basically, only because it is more likely that someone could give you more relevant advice if the situation is more similar. Although even people in the most similar of situations seldom turn out the same way. I and my brothers are totally different in how we identify and how the world identifies us.

Basically, I'm saying, the advice from a hapa might not necesarily help you at all, because hapas don't know how to raise hapas.

this is true indeedy...do you think that we (as hapas) will/would be better at raising mixed kids or do you think it makes no difference? i kind of think im the 'best' person to raise a mixed kid but then i like to think i turned out ok and my parents are not mixed, its confusing...what thinks you BTR??

[BeTheReds]

this is true indeedy...do you think that we (as hapas) will/would be better at raising mixed kids or do you think it makes no difference? i kind of think im the 'best' person to raise a mixed kid but then i like to think i turned out ok and my parents are not mixed, its confusing...what thinks you BTR??

The hapa child of 2 hapa parents is going to have a huge difference in his upbringing than a hapa child of 2 monoracial parents, so really I think we are comparin apples and oranges...

[TABdad]

My Japanese-American wife (her parents were born on Hawaii of Japanese immigrants) just gave birth to a healthy, happy hapa baby (I'm miscellaneous mutt Caucasian). He's the best little boy. I am just here to learn about how he will see his identity. I want him to have a healthy relationship with his Japanese ancestry and his white ancestry. Who knows whether he will "favor" one side in terms of his self-image, but I want to make sure I do as much as I can to make him happy with who he is.

I hope you don't mind a doting white father joining your community, trying to help his darling boy.

[Tao]

welcome tabdad...may i call you tabby? it's good of you to be so interested in giving your son enough exposure to both cultures. for that i commend you. but i am curious though, is your wife also interested in giving the child exposure to her japanese roots?

hope you enjoy your stay

[TABdad]

Yes, my wife tries to keep many of the Japanese traditions she has learned. Plus some of the Hawaiian/Japanese things, which are slightly different from pure Japanese. I just want to be able to add to that.

I was born on Boy's Day, and I'm insisting that when our boy celebrates Boy's Day, I get to celebrate it, too.

[Tao]

Yes, my wife tries to keep many of the Japanese traditions she has learned. Plus some of the Hawaiian/Japanese things, which are slightly different from pure Japanese. I just want to be able to add to that.

I was born on Boy's Day, and I'm insisting that when our boy celebrates Boy's Day, I get to celebrate it, too.

oh..uh cool :smile:

[kimpossible]

My Japanese-American wife (her parents were born on Hawaii of Japanese immigrants) just gave birth to a healthy, happy hapa baby (I'm miscellaneous mutt Caucasian). He's the best little boy. I am just here to learn about how he will see his identity. I want him to have a healthy relationship with his Japanese ancestry and his white ancestry. Who knows whether he will "favor" one side in terms of his self-image, but I want to make sure I do as much as I can to make him happy with who he is.

I hope you don't mind a doting white father joining your community, trying to help his darling boy.

Hi TABdad,

I'm an adult white-Japanese. I dropped by for the personal note to try to give you the most succint orientation possible based on your stated purpose.

While you're welcome, we do have a number of non-Asian members and even more readers I imagine, I'm not sure Yellowworld is exactly what you're looking for. We're more a community of various Asian Americans adults talking about race and identity politics on a macro-level. If you tend to take things a little personally, you might have a really hard time adjusting. Fair warning that there are adult mixed Asians [or hapas] that don't have the rosiest view of being partially Asian or of interracial relationships.

My best advice on how to interact with YW to achieve your goal is maybe to hit up the hapa forum. There's even a pinned topic we have for the parents of hapas, such as yourself. The hapa forum leaders have some guidelines, you might want to read that first. And if you really have thick skin, you might want to do a search on interracial relationships and outmarriage. I recommend that because as your son grows older and relates to other Asian Americans that may be an issue that comes up in relation to his identity.

There's not too much in the way of Japanese or Japanese-American culture per se. The majority of members on YW are ethnically Chinese or Korean.

One thing to keep in mind is don't lose site of being yourself.

[tapestrybabe]

Hi TABdad,

My best advice on how to interact with YW to achieve your goal is maybe to hit up the hapa forum.
with that said to the new member...
from the intro forum...
moving this thread to the
hello hapa community instead :)

[BeTheReds]

hey.. Just wanted to say that what you'll find on YW isn't really representative of hapas in any way. (Broken record playing) In fact, since hapas aren't a community and have no natural connectivity, nothing you'll find anywhere is representative of hapas.

With that in mind, please know that YWhas a purpose, such as the one kimpossible stated above. If you want to learn more about how hapas see and identify themselves, well, can't really say much... Good luck.

Most of us on YW tend to lean to our Asian sides so keep in mind that with that tendency, the picture we paint for you here at YW is going to reflect our desire for Asian-America to succeed.

[nola]

I'm not a hapa but I echo the above sentiments.

[SunWuKong]

My Japanese-American wife (her parents were born on Hawaii of Japanese immigrants) just gave birth to a healthy, happy hapa baby (I'm miscellaneous mutt Caucasian). He's the best little boy. I am just here to learn about how he will see his identity. I want him to have a healthy relationship with his Japanese ancestry and his white ancestry. Who knows whether he will "favor" one side in terms of his self-image, but I want to make sure I do as much as I can to make him happy with who he is.

I hope you don't mind a doting white father joining your community, trying to help his darling boy.

it may be helpful if you read about the history that Japanese Americans or Asian Americans have faced in this country, and the discrimination that they've faced and currently still face. i recommend a book - Strangers From A Different Shore by Ronald Takaki.

if you want to learn more about the biracial Asian identity itself, here is a list of resources you can check out:

http://forums.yellowworld.org/showthread.php?t=3149

[yoMAMA]

welcome to YW!

:)

[TABdad]

it may be helpful if you read about the history that Japanese Americans or Asian Americans have faced in this country, and the discrimination that they've faced and currently still face. i recommend a book - Strangers From A Different Shore by Ronald Takaki.

if you want to learn more about the biracial Asian identity itself, here is a list of resources you can check out:

http://forums.yellowworld.org/showthread.php?t=3149

Thanks. I have read some, including on the internment during WWII (plus my in-laws were in Hawaii during WWII, so they have some stories). I appreciate that advice.

Hi TABdad,

I'm an adult white-Japanese. I dropped by for the personal note to try to give you the most succint orientation possible based on your stated purpose.

While you're welcome, we do have a number of non-Asian members and even more readers I imagine, I'm not sure Yellowworld is exactly what you're looking for. We're more a community of various Asian Americans adults talking about race and identity politics on a macro-level. If you tend to take things a little personally, you might have a really hard time adjusting. Fair warning that there are adult mixed Asians [or hapas] that don't have the rosiest view of being partially Asian or of interracial relationships.

My best advice on how to interact with YW to achieve your goal is maybe to hit up the hapa forum. There's even a pinned topic we have for the parents of hapas, such as yourself. The hapa forum leaders have some guidelines, you might want to read that first. And if you really have thick skin, you might want to do a search on interracial relationships and outmarriage. I recommend that because as your son grows older and relates to other Asian Americans that may be an issue that comes up in relation to his identity.

There's not too much in the way of Japanese or Japanese-American culture per se. The majority of members on YW are ethnically Chinese or Korean.

One thing to keep in mind is don't lose site of being yourself.

Thanks for the frank assessment. I do have a thick skin, and I know to expect some who are critical of outmarriage. My wife and I have discussed all this. I am interested in "identity politics" just to learn about all this from the Asian perspective. I will conduct myself accordingly, and ask for your understanding if I just want to "listen in" sometimes.

[BeTheReds]

I'm gonna merge this thread...

[BeTheReds]

yada yada

[touaregsand]

Just love them and give them hugs and make sure they know they are cared for. Who cares if they're mixed. If they know they're loved, they know who they are.

I haven't read every single post in this thread, nonetheless I want to mention that this one stands out at the most salient for any child. If they know they are cared for, it naturally builds confidence. With that said there some choices we have made.

We've chosed to live in a diverse neighborhood.

We've chosen to send our children to Korean school during the summers and weekends when they want to.

We've chosed to send them to French private school so that they can speak their father's mother tongue and this is the only place they also meet North Africans, including teachers and other students. It's possibly the most international school in the area.

We travel to Korea and France. We have a trip to North Africa planned next year.

We also have the support of our friends and family who are equally diverse.

So far it's working. They are enriched by lots of cultures, including all the ones that inform their heritage. At the same time they don't 'stand out' out as different because of their multicultural background.

Our 6 year old daughter reads, writes and speaks three languages. She has a natural facility with languages so it's very easy for her.

I'm almost tempted to post what not to do. :tongue:

[BeTheReds]

Look I know I sound like a broken record at this point, but this thread is for hapas to give advice to parents of mixed children, not for parents of mixed children to give advice to each other. Please keep in mind the intended audience and intended discussors. If you were to ASK advice, I'd have no problem with your input. But all I see is you showing how multicultural you're making your kids as if you're trying to justify your position to someone.

I've PMed you about this before...

[LaiSteve66]

My advice to people raising mixed children.

1) If you are the Asian parent, teach your kid(s) your Asian language, and if you are not the Asian parent, DO NOT object. When I was five years old, my Vietnamese father was going teach me Vietnamese but my White mother told him not to, so he didn't. DON'T DO THAT. If you do, you risk your kid resenting you for it and it could cause problems for your child depending on whether or not he/she ends up hanging around Asian people growing up. Growing up, I "fell over" to the Asian side having mostly Vietnamese friends and the inability to speak Vietnamese caused problems for me. So raise your kids bilingual or multilingual if the non-Asian parent can speak another language. I feel this in very important.

2) Learn to deal with bias. I have met alot of mixed people in my time, White/Black, Korean/White, Chinese/Vietnamese, Black/Hispanic, Filipino/White, Arab/Pakistani and more, and I've yet to see a single mixed person maintain a perfect balance between two cultures, and will "fall over" to one side, and sometimes become openly bias towards one side. Deal with it and don't complain. My mother always complained about me being "too Asian". Don't do that.

Try to raise your kid in a diverse area if possible. I was fortunate to be raised in a very racially diverse area, and thus didn't have to put up with alot of racism.

Don't call your kid a purebred (i.e my mom says I'm White, my dad says I'm Vietnamese). Don't do that, he/she is mixed.

If you can't deal with the above, stay with your own kind.

[rice cracker]

My advice to people raising mixed children.

1) If you are the Asian parent, teach your kid(s) your Asian language, and if you are not the Asian parent, DO NOT object. When I was five years old, my Vietnamese father was going teach me Vietnamese but my White mother told him not to, so he didn't. DON'T DO THAT. If you do, you risk your kid resenting you for it and it could cause problems for your child depending on whether or not he/she ends up hanging around Asian people growing up. Growing up, I "fell over" to the Asian side having mostly Vietnamese friends and the inability to speak Vietnamese caused problems for me. So raise your kids bilingual or multilingual if the non-Asian parent can speak another language. I feel this in very important.

2) Learn to deal with bias. I have met alot of mixed people in my time, White/Black, Korean/White, Chinese/Vietnamese, Black/Hispanic, Filipino/White, Arab/Pakistani and more, and I've yet to see a single mixed person maintain a perfect balance between two cultures, and will "fall over" to one side, and sometimes become openly bias towards one side. Deal with it and don't complain. My mother always complained about me being "too Asian". Don't do that.

Try to raise your kid in a diverse area if possible. I was fortunate to be raised in a very racially diverse area, and thus didn't have to put up with alot of racism.

Very sound advice. Practical, yet essential that parents get this right.

Don't call your kid a purebred (i.e my mom says I'm White, my dad says I'm Vietnamese). Don't do that, he/she is mixed.

I agree that it's important for monoracial parents to recognize that their child is likely going to be treated as a different ethnicity than them, and to accept that, but in some cases (Korean father, white mother for instance) the child will be considered Korean.

[BeTheReds]

I agree that it's important for monoracial parents to recognize that their child is likely going to be treated as a different ethnicity than them, and to accept that, but in some cases (Korean father, white mother for instance) the child will be considered Korean.

While I wish that were 100% true, it's not. In the US, I think that above everything else, af first, looks tend to be the biggest factor when considering wether the child will be considered Korean. My opinion on the reasoning behind this is that no matter how culturally Korean the mixed kid is, other Korean Americans may not have strong ties to Korean culture, yet still prefer to hang out specifically with other Korean/Asian Americans because of the similar stimuli that they face as asian looking minorities in the USA. While I have a good share of Korean-American friends, I'd be lying if I suggested I was in exactly the same boat with them.

In Korea as well, looks do play a huge huge factor on the decision of how foreign you are. While having a Korean father makes you 100% Korean based on whatever confucian ideas exist, in most cases, the mixed kid would have been mixed with another Asian, thus the look would be relatively not as different. In my personal experience, when revealing that I have a Korean father, certain expectations will surface, but ultimately given the way I look and lack of 100% fluency in Korean, I'm still considered a foreigner by most Koreans who meet me for the very first time. Korea is harsh in that in the event that a child looks Korean acts Korean, and was raised completely in Korea, but has a non-Korean father, he/she also will be treated as a foreigner by most Koreans once they aquire knowledge of that.

Even though I have a Korean father and strong ties to my Korean-ness, my outward appearance still seems to be the ultimate factor in how others view me regardless.

One thing that I think is important for hapas to do is learn to deal with it, and if you feel it's wrong, prove otherwise, but don't go out of your way to prove otherwise.

Tough to do, but life is like that.

As for parents... Know that it is definately possible that your children can look one way, and identify in a totally different way, and be recieved by others in an even more different way.

Just let it be and don't try to force anything, all the while being supportive.

[rice cracker]

^ Oh well, I got that idea from you.

[Sizwe_X]

Anyone have any suggestions on good books to read on this topic?

[jongeh]

just to add to what was already said, i definitely agree with the whole "asian parent teach the child their asian language". my mother didn't really teach me korean, and as a result, i feel less in touch with my korean side, not to mention less in touch with my own mother. plus, i am learning it now, and it is a whole lot harder to totally grasp a language when you just start learning it at an older age.

2nd, "parents need to accept that the child may look like one race but identify with another" (something along those lines): though i look more asian than white, i don't feel that my dad is totally comfortable with me being, or wanting to identify with asians. he has never really nurtured that side of me. though he has never held me back from it, i feel like to him, it's just nonsense or silly because he never really encouraged me to embrace my mother's heritage.

also, i don't know if this has already been said, but make sure the child gets to visit both parents native countries and meet both sides of relatives whether they live in other countries or not. i have never been to korea or met any of my korean relatives. next summer will be my first time for both of these things, and i regret that it has taken so long. when i was younger, i didn't even know that i had relatives on my mom's side in korea, it just never occurred to me. so i think this is definitely important for identity issues and whatnot.

[thaite]

New Demographic is putting on a workshop series for parents of multi-racial children.

info here (http://www.mixedmediawatch.com/index.php/archives/2006/01/parenting-happy-and-healthy-mixed-race-kids-new-workshop-series-starts-january-14th-in-nyc/)

[Nickaroo]

I will say that, my kids look more "caucasian" than "asian". But my wife (100% Filipina from the old country, fresh from "the boat") associates with some Filipinos who are very ethnocentric, which I don't like my babies being around. I have a 1 year old, and a newborn by the way. I'm sorry, I'm proud of my race and heritage too much to feel comfortable with them around ethnocentric Filipinos. But not TOO proud, to be considered "racist."

I wouldn't mind them being raised in the old country, but here, Fil-Ams have a totally different attitude that is almost racist, and too proud, which I don't want them to be exposed to.

It seems the only friends of my wife I like are the mixed marriage ones.

I have no idea about raising kids around exposure to all these "proud" ethnocentric filipinos. My kids don't even look very Asian. Don't get me wrong, they all love my kids, mainly just because they're "cute." But, These people never invite people of my race over to their house, wouldn't even think of it. So, why should I even let them "adore" my babies.. So, I really have a problem with too much ethnocentrism within the Filipino community here. I'm not fond of their "Fil-AM" culture here either, but I know my wife cannot avoid every Filipina or Filipino here in America exposed to it.

I just thought I'd express my thoughts here. Maybe somebody white American, or somebody familiar to me could tell me something.

[pikachupacabra]

I will say that, my kids look more "caucasian" than "asian". But my wife (100% Filipina from the old country, fresh from "the boat") associates with some Filipinos who are very ethnocentric, which I don't like my babies being around. I have a 1 year old, and a newborn by the way. I'm sorry, I'm proud of my race and heritage too much to feel comfortable with them around ethnocentric Filipinos. But not TOO proud, to be considered "racist."

I wouldn't mind them being raised in the old country, but here, Fil-Ams have a totally different attitude that is almost racist, and too proud, which I don't want them to be exposed to.

It seems the only friends of my wife I like are the mixed marriage ones.

I have no idea about raising kids around exposure to all these "proud" ethnocentric filipinos. My kids don't even look very Asian. Don't get me wrong, they all love my kids, mainly just because they're "cute." But, These people never invite people of my race over to their house, wouldn't even think of it. So, why should I even let them "adore" my babies.. So, I really have a problem with too much ethnocentrism within the Filipino community here. I'm not fond of their "Fil-AM" culture here either, but I know my wife cannot avoid every Filipina or Filipino here in America exposed to it.

I just thought I'd express my thoughts here. Maybe somebody white American, or somebody familiar to me could tell me something.


I'm neither a parent nor an expert on mixed children, but I'm gonna give you the heads up that with an attitude like that, you're not going to get a very good reception on this message board.

So you have problems with the filipino-american community. Ok. That's fine. But it is wrongheaded, and malicious to cut that out of your child's (and your wife's?) life because you don't like it. It's really up to your kids to figure that out for themselves. They will come into a world that has two halves, and they'll have to figure out what works for them. Your values, your beliefs, etc, can be imparted on them, but you shouldn't attempt to force them on them through denial or segregation.

[Nickaroo]

So you have problems with the filipino-american community. Ok. That's fine. But it is wrongheaded, and malicious to cut that out of your child's (and your wife's?) life because you don't like it. It's really up to your kids to figure that out for themselves.

So, is it "fine"? Or is it "malicious"? I didn't mention my wife or ever cutting her out of associating with that. First you say it's fine, then you say it's malicious... quite an oxymoron if you asked me.

You don't have to come off to me like that. You could have been more polite about it. You are obviously biased as an asian. I'm not malicious about anything. What if the terms were visa versa.

What if you married a white German girl for example in say, The Philippines, and you saw the ethnocentric Germans there who only associate with fellow German whites in your own country. You wouldn't feel the same.

Try looking at it through my shoes brother. And if you don't have mixed children, or even have mixed races by marriage or any other means at all, how can you tell me anything?

[rice cracker]

Nickaroo-

Wait, you don't want to associate with Filipinos, but if Filipinos don't want to associate with whites it's a problem?

1) You are in such the wrong environment for the type of feedback you seem to be looking for. Just going to say that off the bat.

2) Consider if you don't let your kids be influenced by Filipinos, wouldn't they naturally become too ethnocentric with their white side?

3) Pika was cordial in his wording, I don't see the basis for calling him out as biased and impolite. Frankly, your reaction was out of line. Maybe instead of getting angry that someone disagrees with the way you're going about things, you could maybe open your mind and process what they're saying. Pika had a good point.

4) Having mixed kids doesn't make you the expert on the mixed race experience. Shit, even *being* mixed doesn't make you an expert. So before you go off on some sort of who's more qualified pissing contest, remember that you are just as alien to the mixed race experience as the next guy. You're here for advice? Suck it up and listen because at the end of the day you ask yourself if you learned something or you rejected everything you disagreed with.

5) It's rather odd that you chose an Asian American political forum as the place to ask for feedback from white Americans. The feedback you're going to get is from Asian and Mixed Asians primarily from the states, most of whom identify more with their Asian side. If you don't like the Asian POV, I strongly suggest you find a different forum because that's all you're going to get here.

6) It's great that you want to limit the exposure your children have to racists, but at the same time perhaps you could enroll them in classes or camp or whatever so they DO have healthy contact with their mother's culture.

Anyway, I'm willing for all of us to move past this and focus on ways to reconcile your culture with your wife's with minimal negativity.

[Nickaroo]

So you have problems with the filipino-american community

I wouldn't if they weren't discriminatory as they are here. They alienate everybody else. Just look at every party, fiesta, or get-together they have, all you see is Filipinos, or other Asians. The only black, white, or hispanic you will see is one either dating or married to one of their own kind. And even that is very rare. They look past original Americans as if we don't even belong among you.

Even if a white American family invites them over, they act as if we owe them something, like we're supposed to feel as if we're their host.

But, if they invite us over, they act friendly for show, then later look for every problem with us they could find with us. Because deep down inside, they feel they shouldn't be "servicing" us, but we should be "servicing" them. Because they're ingrained with this attitude towards white Americans like we invited them over here, and are their hosts to their parasitic minds. That's Fil-Ams. Whereas if Americans go over there, IF we're not ripped off on the way to their house, then Filipinos treat us like guests like they should. Unlike here in America. Once Filipinos or other 3rd world Asians get here, their attitude totally changes.


Your values, your beliefs, etc, can be imparted on them, but you shouldn't attempt to force them on them through denial or segregation.

I don't deny them their God-given rights to be proud of their heritage. And as far as SEGREGATION is concerned, it seems most, if not all Asian-Americans WANT to be segregated from the mainstream community. You develop your own little communities, separate from the rest of us Americans. I can understand separate grocery stores and/or restaurants, but every aspect of life even, as far as possible is all about whatever asian ethnicity you belong to.

You, as an Asian telling ME about segregation? If there is any segregated minded, and ethnocentric race or ethnic group, it is Asians that are the most "guilty" of segregating.

That's EXACTLY what I don't want my kids exposed to.

[rice cracker]

Hi, moderator here? I'm saying feel free to stop with the generalizing. Right. Now. I'm going to start deleting the flame bait in a hot minute if y'all (nickaroo) want to continue with the "Filipinos are this and that and Asians are this and that." This ain't the place for it.

[SunWuKong]

Just look at every party, fiesta, or get-together they have, all you see is Filipinos, or other Asians.


oh no! no white people at their parties! i'm so indignant! :rolleyes: they can't *gasp* exclude white people! *gasp*

tell me, do white people make sure to go down to Chinatown, the "black" side of the city, the barrio, or maybe even the closest Indian reservation to make sure they've invited people of all races whenever they have a party? is that what they do?

i've been to parties where i'm the only Asian person there because i was dating a white girl. shit those people must have been racist.

[nmffnurse]

I will say that, my kids look more "caucasian" than "asian". But my wife (100% Filipina from the old country, fresh from "the boat") associates with some Filipinos who are very ethnocentric, which I don't like my babies being around. I have a 1 year old, and a newborn by the way. I'm sorry, I'm proud of my race and heritage too much to feel comfortable with them around ethnocentric Filipinos. But not TOO proud, to be considered "racist."

I wouldn't mind them being raised in the old country, but here, Fil-Ams have a totally different attitude that is almost racist, and too proud, which I don't want them to be exposed to.

It seems the only friends of my wife I like are the mixed marriage ones.

I have no idea about raising kids around exposure to all these "proud" ethnocentric filipinos. My kids don't even look very Asian. Don't get me wrong, they all love my kids, mainly just because they're "cute." But, These people never invite people of my race over to their house, wouldn't even think of it. So, why should I even let them "adore" my babies.. So, I really have a problem with too much ethnocentrism within the Filipino community here. I'm not fond of their "Fil-AM" culture here either, but I know my wife cannot avoid every Filipina or Filipino here in America exposed to it.

I just thought I'd express my thoughts here. Maybe somebody white American, or somebody familiar to me could tell me something.
Your kids are half filipino/white but look white. Damn. You have it made in the shade.
I'm surprised that Filipinos haven't already entered your kids in beauty pageants yet.
Please, spare me the details. The majority of Filipinos looooove it when white men marry FIlipino women. THe majority of old Filipino ladies will ooh and aah at your mestiza babies. Trust me on that.

I have no sympathy for asian/white couples who boohoo at any slight they perceive.

I am also half white/half filipino. But I look 100% asian which gives me a very interesting view on how Filipinos feel about mixed kids. The more white is right and pretty the more asian one looks- not more so.

Top it off...I am married to a half black/white guy. Want to talk about a bad experience???? Silence speaks a thousand times more than anything. I've seen Filipinos ooh and aah over half white babies and say absolutely nothing about my own. So can it with that boo hoo crap about your poor mixed race children and evil Filipinos that aren't worshipping your kids.

I've had my share of bad experiences with the filipino community especially dating a man of a darker hue, but I would never deny my son the chance to know his Filipino heritage.

[AliBabaIncorporated]

What if you married a white German girl for example in say, The Philippines, and you saw the ethnocentric Germans there who only associate with fellow German whites in your own country. You wouldn't feel the same.
I'd personally figure that, since Germany got tens of millions of more ethnocentric Germans where those came from, might as well take the opportunity to introduce the kids so they grow up knowing how to function in that culture and language, rather than leaving them stuck on the outside looking in.

(Though of course, quite a big proportion of mixed-race Euro kids born in Asia end up getting American-washed regardless of what their parents do, cuz they have very few Euro peers with whom to interact, only adults).

My mother thought the same thing about Filipinos as you do and tried to keep me away from the culture so I'd disappear into the great American mainstream. (My grandmother is a Filipina Chinese and speaks better Tagalog than Chinese; my grandfather is Malaysian Chinese, but seeing as there's zero Malaysians in the US, he ended up getting absorbed into the Filipino community as well after he immigrated). All that just meant I never learned the language and now can't communicate at all with my senile and dying grandma as her grasp of Chinese and English slip away from her. Hell of a price to pay for avoiding a few ethnocentric gossips.

Anyway, I'll expand on pikachupacabra's sentiments. You can't choose how your kids are going to identify or what culture they're going to cling to when they grow up. (E.g. I highly doubt my parents expected my best language besides English would be Chinese, a language which only one of my grandparents spoke well and none considered as their best language). All you can do is give them as many tools as possible for exploring their heritage --- and language proficiency and cultural competency, which only come with practice and interaction, are two of the most important tools.

[SunWuKong]

I don't deny them their God-given rights to be proud of their heritage. And as far as SEGREGATION is concerned, it seems most, if not all Asian-Americans WANT to be segregated from the mainstream community. You develop your own little communities, separate from the rest of us Americans. I can understand separate grocery stores and/or restaurants, but every aspect of life even, as far as possible is all about whatever asian ethnicity you belong to.

You, as an Asian telling ME about segregation? If there is any segregated minded, and ethnocentric race or ethnic group, it is Asians that are the most "guilty" of segregating.

That's EXACTLY what I don't want my kids exposed to.

i don't even know where to begin in reply to this.

please, for the love of God, go and learn more about the problems that segregation created. here's a hint: the problem wasn't that minorities had their feelings hurt that they weren't invited to all the cool parties that white people were throwing.

[nmffnurse]

I wouldn't if they weren't discriminatory as they are here. They alienate everybody else. Just look at every party, fiesta, or get-together they have, all you see is Filipinos, or other Asians. The only black, white, or hispanic you will see is one either dating or married to one of their own kind. And even that is very rare. They look past original Americans as if we don't even belong among you.

Even if a white American family invites them over, they act as if we owe them something, like we're supposed to feel as if we're their host.

But, if they invite us over, they act friendly for show, then later look for every problem with us they could find with us. Because deep down inside, they feel they shouldn't be "servicing" us, but we should be "servicing" them. Because they're ingrained with this attitude towards white Americans like we invited them over here, and are their hosts to their parasitic minds. That's Fil-Ams. Whereas if Americans go over there, IF we're not ripped off on the way to their house, then Filipinos treat us like guests like they should. Unlike here in America. Once Filipinos or other 3rd world Asians get here, their attitude totally changes.




I don't deny them their God-given rights to be proud of their heritage. And as far as SEGREGATION is concerned, it seems most, if not all Asian-Americans WANT to be segregated from the mainstream community. You develop your own little communities, separate from the rest of us Americans. I can understand separate grocery stores and/or restaurants, but every aspect of life even, as far as possible is all about whatever asian ethnicity you belong to.

You, as an Asian telling ME about segregation? If there is any segregated minded, and ethnocentric race or ethnic group, it is Asians that are the most "guilty" of segregating.

That's EXACTLY what I don't want my kids exposed to.


As a person who is mixed myself, is married to a mixed race man and has a multiracial child I am stunned by what you are saying. First off you think you are an original American?????

Tell that to the Native Americans.
That tells me right off what a racist bigot you are. If you think so badly about asians because they have their own communites and stores you must feel the same about hispanics...since they have their own communities and stores, East Indians, and blacks,etc. In most cities, towns blacks are in a different area than whites...and it isn't by choice.

You don't like FIlipinos yet you are married to one. Damn of all the white men she could have picked, she got herself a redneck. I feel sorry for your kids. My own white father sounds like you and I couldn't stand him.

[rice cracker]

You don't like FIlipinos yet you are married to one. Damn of all the white men she could have picked, she got herself a redneck. I feel sorry for your kids. My own white father sounds like you and I couldn't stand him.

Sounds like both our dads should be hanging out. Wait, HAVE they been hanging out?! :wink:

[Nickaroo]

please, for the love of God, go and learn more about the problems that segregation created. here's a hint: the problem wasn't that minorities had their feelings hurt that they weren't invited to all the cool parties that white people were throwing.

No, it's about those who choose to look outside their "ethnicity" and mingle among others, and those who are ethnocentric, and have no concern for any other ethnic group, or race for that matter, than their own.

It's not about "cool parties." It's about the people they alienate themselves to. Like they alienate themselves from everybody else, all the while adoring some half-white baby, and talking about how cute she is. Meanwhile, they could hardly imagine having adult white friends, let alone, inviting them to their house for a party.

That's what this is about, not about "being cool." or whatever. Or even that asian guy dating a white girl, and her going to a party with all white people. No, they were probably not racist, or whatever. But they invited only people they're used to talking to or being around, but not at the exclusion of their own ethnicity.

Not to mention, I don't want to be around ALL white American gatherings, parties, or whatever. I'm multicultural actually, and most of my friends are actually Mexican. And I'm sorry, they're not nearly as discriminatory as Fil-Am's.

[SunWuKong]

No, it's about those who choose to look outside their "ethnicity" and mingle among others, and those who are ethnocentric, and have no concern for any other ethnic group, or race for that matter, than their own.

It's not about "cool parties." It's about the people they alienate themselves to. Like they alienate themselves from everybody else, all the while adoring some half-white baby, and talking about how cute she is. Meanwhile, they could hardly imagine having adult white friends, let alone, inviting them to their house for a party.

That's what this is about, not about "being cool." or whatever. Or even that asian guy dating a white girl, and her going to a party with all white people. No, they were probably not racist, or whatever. But they invited only people they're used to talking to or being around, but not at the exclusion of their own ethnicity.

Not to mention, I don't want to be around ALL white American gatherings, parties, or whatever. I'm multicultural actually, and most of my friends are actually Mexican. And I'm sorry, they're not nearly as discriminatory as Fil-Am's.

again, if you're going to be harping on about "segregation", go learn about it first. so far you have shown that you have absolutely no understanding of the problems that it creates in American society.

[nmffnurse]

No, it's about those who choose to look outside their "ethnicity" and mingle among others, and those who are ethnocentric, and have no concern for any other ethnic group, or race for that matter, than their own.

It's not about "cool parties." It's about the people they alienate themselves to. Like they alienate themselves from everybody else, all the while adoring some half-white baby, and talking about how cute she is. Meanwhile, they could hardly imagine having adult white friends, let alone, inviting them to their house for a party.

That's what this is about, not about "being cool." or whatever. Or even that asian guy dating a white girl, and her going to a party with all white people. No, they were probably not racist, or whatever. But they invited only people they're used to talking to or being around, but not at the exclusion of their own ethnicity.

Not to mention, I don't want to be around ALL white American gatherings, parties, or whatever. I'm multicultural actually, and most of my friends are actually Mexican. And I'm sorry, they're not nearly as discriminatory as Fil-Am's.

Multicultural because you got Mexican friends. Good one.
What do you think of blacks btw? Perhaps the reason Filipinos hang out with other FIlipinos is because they miss their home country? Nothing wrong with being around people who remind you of home.

Go back to hanging around with original Americans Your attitude is going to come back and bite you in the ass with your kids. It's a shame that Asian women are letting racist white men in their beds. A damn shame.

Sounds like both our dads should be hanging out. Wait, HAVE they been hanging out?! :wink:

You mean I am not the only one descended from a redneck??????
My dad's attitude did just the opposite than what he intended. He tried to shove his racist attitudes down my throat and I totally threw him for a loop.....I married every white daddy's worst nightmare. Even the white father of a mixed asian girl.

Just goes to show. There can be lots of racism in an interracial relationship.

[rice cracker]

You mean I am not the only one descended from a redneck??????
My dad's attitude did just the opposite than what he intended. He tried to shove his racist attitudes down my throat and I totally threw him for a loop.....I married every white daddy's worst nightmare. Even the white father of a mixed asian girl.

Just goes to show. There can be lots of racism in an interracial relationship.

Yeah, I'm fucking a Chinese guy. Dad could be happier.

Re: racism in interracial relationships:

In my experience, I've met more white guys with bullshit attitudes who are in interracial relationships than not. Or maybe it just comes out more, since they have their "pass" clinging to their arm.

Anyway, y'all, let's get back on track. Advice for parents! Don't do with Nickaroo does!

[BeTheReds]

Damn, where was I when all this occured. Yall handled it nicely!

Or even that asian guy dating a white girl, and her going to a party with all white people. No, they were probably not racist, or whatever. But they invited only people they're used to talking to or being around, but not at the exclusion of their own ethnicity.



I fail to see how it's any different when minorities invite mostly people of their own race to social events.

[nmffnurse]

Well I have a son and my advice is to go ahead and introduce them to everything that makes up what they are but don't shove it down their throats either. I'm not going to take my kid to powows every weekend, make adobo every night, and decorate my house in African masks. I want to make it so it isn't an issue. It's There has to be a happy medium. A mixed race kid is no different than a full blooded kid. I don't see why parenting styles should be any different. My son makes dirty diapers like the rest of em..

[jongeh]

No, it's about those who choose to look outside their "ethnicity" and mingle among others, and those who are ethnocentric, and have no concern for any other ethnic group, or race for that matter, than their own.

It's not about "cool parties." It's about the people they alienate themselves to. Like they alienate themselves from everybody else, all the while adoring some half-white baby, and talking about how cute she is. Meanwhile, they could hardly imagine having adult white friends, let alone, inviting them to their house for a party.

That's what this is about, not about "being cool." or whatever. Or even that asian guy dating a white girl, and her going to a party with all white people. No, they were probably not racist, or whatever. But they invited only people they're used to talking to or being around, but not at the exclusion of their own ethnicity.

Not to mention, I don't want to be around ALL white American gatherings, parties, or whatever. I'm multicultural actually, and most of my friends are actually Mexican. And I'm sorry, they're not nearly as discriminatory as Fil-Am's.

i'll admit, many people of the same race tend to hang around each other, but i certainly don't say to myself, "those racist assholes, how come there's not a white person in that group?! they must hate white people!" so do you think that if you were in the phillipines and you saw a couple of americans there, that you would not want to hang out with them? or would you purposely avoid them so as not to seem ethnocentric?
kinda seems to me that you are the only one making yourself feel alienated.

anyways, i certainly don't think it's fair to not expose your children to their heritage just because you feel alienated. they can decide for themselves. i also just want to add that just because they look mostly white right now, doesn't mean they will look mostly white when they get older, and they are still half white/half filipino on the inside.

[BeTheReds]

and they are still half white/half filipino on the inside.

Not necisarily... We all identify ourselves in different ways...

[Chad]

I got a news flash for this Nickaroo person:
white people created racial segregation, it was done with by a white government, and enforced by white police officers. this was not changed until a bunch of non-white people got together and fought against it.
you say that Asians want to segregate themselves, and cite ethnic enclaves as proof of this. the first Chinatowns were created because the Chinese were not allowed to live elsewhere. who made this law and enforced it? white people.
who has the most neighborhoods where their own race dominates? white people. how many Chinatowns and Koreatowns are in the USA? You can probably count them with two hands. How many white communities are there? Hundreds of thousands?
I've been through hundreds of cities in the USA where all I see are white people. Everywhere I go, white people. Maybe one or two black or hispanic people here or there, but they're obviously in the minority. Why do white people segregate themselves this way?

[kimpossible]

Yeah, I'm fucking a Chinese guy. Dad could be happier.


Yay! We're now the triumvirate. My parents are going from parents of mixed kids to granparents of mixed kid and the last convo with redneck dad ended with "Look, I know all about The Asian Culture."

It was all very Tom Cruise. He knows the history of The Asian Culture. I don't. :smile: The same guy that talks about Korea because my husband is originally from Taiwan. Or, as he likes to put it; Formosa.

Don't do with Nickaroo does!

But I was so glad he had this all figured out for us.

[nmffnurse]

I wouldn't if they weren't discriminatory as they are here. They alienate everybody else. Just look at every party, fiesta, or get-together they have, all you see is Filipinos, or other Asians. The only black, white, or hispanic you will see is one either dating or married to one of their own kind. And even that is very rare. They look past original Americans as if we don't even belong among you.

Even if a white American family invites them over, they act as if we owe them something, like we're supposed to feel as if we're their host.

But, if they invite us over, they act friendly for show, then later look for every problem with us they could find with us. Because deep down inside, they feel they shouldn't be "servicing" us, but we should be "servicing" them. Because they're ingrained with this attitude towards white Americans like we invited them over here, and are their hosts to their parasitic minds. That's Fil-Ams. Whereas if Americans go over there, IF we're not ripped off on the way to their house, then Filipinos treat us like guests like they should. Unlike here in America. Once Filipinos or other 3rd world Asians get here, their attitude totally changes.




I don't deny them their God-given rights to be proud of their heritage. And as far as SEGREGATION is concerned, it seems most, if not all Asian-Americans WANT to be segregated from the mainstream community. You develop your own little communities, separate from the rest of us Americans. I can understand separate grocery stores and/or restaurants, but every aspect of life even, as far as possible is all about whatever asian ethnicity you belong to.

You, as an Asian telling ME about segregation? If there is any segregated minded, and ethnocentric race or ethnic group, it is Asians that are the most "guilty" of segregating.

That's EXACTLY what I don't want my kids exposed to.


You know....I had to comment on this statement you made-
Just look at every party, fiesta, or get-together they have, all you see is Filipinos, or other Asians. The only black, white, or hispanic you will see is one either dating or married to one of their own kind. And even that is very rare.

As a mixed race person myself...everytime I would go to a FAMILY gettogether on my white side it was always white people and the only minorites there would be if someone was dating or married to one.

I am married to a half black/white man now and when I go to his black family's parties, gettogether's the only white, hispanic, black people are the ones that are either married or dating the person of that ethnicity.

And I've been to a hell of a lot more WHITE gatherings where I am the only Asian person in the room. And mixed asian at that.

I've been to MEXICAN parties where I was the only Asian and hell since I am half white- I was the only WHITE person there too.

Having a party,get together and having mainly just one race attending isn't just a filipino thing.

No wonder your wife's a fob(your words not mine). An asian american woman probably wouldn't put up with your shtick. I find more white racist bigots like to get themselves wives from the "old country" as you put it because they can control them better than an asian woman born and raised here. I call it how I see it. Just my observation.

[jongeh]

Not necisarily... We all identify ourselves in different ways...

yeah, you're right.
i meant more of the blood/DNA part than the heart/mind/soul part. sorry

[BeTheReds]

yeah, you're right.
i meant more of the blood/DNA part than the heart/mind/soul part. sorry


Heehee hee Yea well apparently to some people... blood and DNA and all that other stuff doesn't matter cuz race is a social construct.

LOLZ.

[Brightandshiny]

As an adult HAPA of Korean & African American background, here's what I say:
Let your kids be who they want, but don't confuse them.
Let them know that they are both and allow them to embrace both.
Don't make them feel different or weird.
I also highly recommend raising your child an an area that has other HAPA kids (or a very multiculti area) so they don't feel weird about themselves.

If someone were to come to this site looking for advice on how to raise mixed Asian children, what would your input or advice be? Please frame your responses, such as "As an Asian I would recommend...," "Having been a mixed Asian child/hapa/*insert descriptor here* myself, I would say..."

Use your superpowers for good and please only post practical advice. This is one thread that I will edit.

[BeTheReds]

I also highly recommend raising your child an an area that has other HAPA kids (or a very multiculti area) so they don't feel weird about themselves.


Hello and welcome.
Why would we need other hapa kids to not feel wierd?

[rice cracker]

Well, nobody likes to feel weird.

[kimpossible]

Donate your child's cord blood. (http://forums.yellowworld.org/showthread.php?t=28957)

[LaiSteve66]

Why would we need other hapa kids to not feel wierd?

We don't. I met very few "hapas" growing up.

[capacitor276]

As an adult HAPA of Korean & African American background, here's what I say:
Let your kids be who they want, but don't confuse them.
Let them know that they are both and allow them to embrace both.
Don't make them feel different or weird.
I also highly recommend raising your child an an area that has other HAPA kids (or a very multiculti area) so they don't feel weird about themselves.

I agree with that all. I've met hapas who have unfortunately for them been forced to choose one side of their family over the other. The consequence is that it can be a shocker to have thought yourself to be say all-White or all-Asian for most of your life and then to experience racism where you are defined solely as your other "half".

[BeTheReds]

I don't really see defining as only one side as a bad thing. It really all boils down to who you feel more comfortable with... and it isn't a problem to choose only one.

[LaiSteve66]

Do people really "choose"? I always thought people just naturally fall over to one side or the other.

[l_lds2006]

Hi I'm new here and I have to say I am a mother of a child, who is 1/2 Chinese 1/2 White. Her father is Chinese and I am White. My Yi-Ting is almost 2 yrs old. She looks just like her father except she has my blue eyes and my brown hair. I think it is really important for us as parents to make sure that our children know their heritages on both sides not just one like many do.

I would tell my daughter to ignore the racial comments and just do not react to them or she would be just as low as they are as their are hateful ppl in the world. I feel that there are too many people in society today who are filled with hatred as it is... I know the consequences of racism and so fourth as my parents have disowned me. I have 2 children, not one, and they only accept my oldest, who is all white. But, I figure it is a few less arrogant racists that I and my family have to deal with.

I get glares all the time. I feel like reacting but i do not as i do not want my daughter to learn from me. But I would also let her know that she is deeply loved no matter what ethinticity she is, but also not to be judgmental towards others and not to think that she is special. Of course there are alot of things that are going to be difficult. But myself and my husband have to make sure that she understands that, yes, your heritage is mixed and that may make you different and ppl may look at you differently and may even make comments at you, but we will deal with it when that time comes. My husband also speak cantonese ,mandarin and other languages, and he is teaching her them now while she is young, but I would also like other parents out there to know - never deny your children to learn about where they come from and to also be proud of who they are. You'll regret it in the future if you don't. And as for the choosing, I don't think that it wold really be fair to force a child to choose who they feel more comfortable with. That is their decision and no one else's to be made.

Jillian

[SunWuKong]

sentence structure and paragraphs are your friends...

[l_lds2006]

yeah thanks for that pointing out i would of gone and edited. But there was no option to edit posting

[thaite]

goddammit

[LaiSteve66]

yeah thanks for that pointing out i would of gone and edited. But there was no option to edit posting

You can't edit posts after 30 minutes. (I know it's stupid)

[BeTheReds]

I'll take the liberty... Edit away!

[BeTheReds]

Hi I'm new here and I have to say I am a mother of a child, who is 1/2 Chinese 1/2 White. Her father is Chinese and I am White. My Yi-Ting is almost 2 yrs old. She looks just like her father except she has my blue eyes and my brown hair. I think it is really important for us as parents to make sure that our children know their heritages on both sides not just one like many do. I would tell my daughter to ignore the racial comments and just do not react to them or she would be just as low as they are as their are hateful ppl in the world. I feel that there are too many people in society today who are filled with hatred as it is... I know the consequences of racism and so fourth as my parents have disowned me. I have 2 children not one and they only accept my oldest who is all white. But, I figure it is few less arrogant racist that I and my family have to deal with. I get glares all the time. I feel like reacting but i do not as i do not want my daughter to learn from me. But I would also let her know that she is deeply loved no matter what ethinticity she is but also not to be judgmental towards others and not to think that she is special. Of course there are alot of things that are going to be dificult but myself and my husband have to make sure that she understands that. Yes your heritage is mixed and that may make you different and ppl may look at you differently and may even make comments at you, but we will deal with it when that time comes. My husband also speak cantonese ,mandarin and other languages and he is teaching her them now while she is young but I would also like other parents out there to know never deny your children to learn about where they come from and to also be proud of who they are. You'll regret it in the future if you dont and as for the choosing I dont think that it wold really be fair to force a child to choose who they feel more comfortable with. That is their decision and no one else's to be made
Jillian

Good sentiment. One must keep in mind that parents should keep every avenue open, but shouldn't force the issue of having to accept both heritages. Choosing one is okay. Basically anything is okay as long as it isn't forced.

[BigLew]

Here's a tip, if any of your child's white cousins or other family members calls her a chink or says she has cool chinky eyes kick them in their head with a steel toed boot, if your husband doesn't do it first kick him in the head next.

[l_lds2006]

oh I almost did already I don't even associate with my white family I have I hope they all rott to! My mother in law is more accepting of our relationship and her granddaughter being hapa! My oldest daughter her mind is already corrupted as she is living with her father .

I don't even want to talk to her I prefer for her not to be near me at this moment in time as I think if she was I would make her sorry for what she said about her sister influenced by her father! If only I could have reached through the phone at that moment she said it I would have made her really regret it. The sad thing is that I never raised my oldest to be racist and that's what anger's and hurt's me but she will learn and regret I am not going to forgive her or associate with her

[capacitor276]

Here's a tip, if any of your child's white cousins or other family members calls her a chink or says she has cool chinky eyes kick them in their head with a steel toed boot, if your husband doesn't do it first kick him in the head next.

Agreed! Likewise, please make sure that your child is not referred to as a "white devil" or "foreigner" by extended Asian family members.

[BeTheReds]

Agreed! Likewise, please make sure that your child is not referred to as a "white devil" or "foreigner" by extended Asian family members.

Unless of course a situation arises where your child actually is a foreigner.

I get more unnerved to Korean-Americans calling me that in Korean than I do when I am in Korea and Koreans call me that, cuz afterall, I am not a Korean citizen.

[capacitor276]

Unless of course a situation arises where your child actually is a foreigner.

I get more unnerved to Korean-Americans calling me that in Korean than I do when I am in Korea and Koreans call me that, cuz afterall, I am not a Korean citizen.

True, but as my grandma used to say, blood runs thicker than water. That, and cultural upbringing runs thicker than blood.

[kimpossible]

Baby's first trip to Asia. Parents, you may be tempted to wait until baby can walk. Do NOT wait until baby can walk.

Make the flight while s/he is still nurses and not mobile. The travel can be up to 24 hours. We had a very successful trip 'home' with a pre-verbal, not quite walking yet baby.

Nursing made the flights easier, especially with the new liquids restrictions. They can't take the boobs away and the baby will need quite a lot of comfort along the way. It'll help with cabin pressure as well.

Buy a seat for kiddo. It's half price. You'll need the room.

Bulkhead seats? Wasn't worth it for us. Though baby wasn't able to kick seat in front of him that way.

Pre-walking. That way baby won't want to run around the aisles non-stop.

Pre-verbal. Connection with family is a snap that way. They'll interact with the baby naturally. No language problems. Went beautifully.

Keep up with family using webcams and skype. Free.

[TB4000]

^Welcome back, boss.

[bajinay]

as a half filipino half west indian 1st generation american, i would say it's important to expose your kid to both sides of their culture, the good and the bad. if your parents speak their native languages i think it's important to teach it to your kids. my parents didn't want me to learn tagalog b/c they didn't want me to have an accent. i really regret not learning it now.

i think the most important thing though is to show your kids that they are loved and to show them that both sides of their culture can accept them for who they are. i don't think you should push one side on them more than the other. also teach them that their cultural identity isn't more important than their personal identity even though it can be a big part of it.

i think it is important to go back to your parent's country too. for me, living in the philippines and going back to visit was very important for me. i think it helps you understand your family better too. i've never had to chance to go visit my dad's country, Barbados. but when i have the money that's definitely something i'm going to do.

[BeTheReds]

i think the most important thing though is to show your kids that they are loved and to show them that both sides of their culture can accept them for who they are.

Unfortunately that is seldom the case. I think it's great if parents and parents' families can do that, but even to suggest that all persons from both (or all) cultures will be able to do that would be nothing but setting up false hopes.

[chopsticks]

I really think it s important to teach "hapas" children both languages of their two parents and get them used to be in a multi cultural environment.
Although, they might wonder themselves one day in their life "where do i really come from", they need to understand that beeing between two countries can be rich, that it ables them to switch between two different cultures.

I 'm myself french and chinese, it used to be a big issue, because the feeling of belonging is important to move forward, the question "where do I belong" was hunting my head. Comments like "what do you know about it you re just half of it!" offended me more than once.

My parents and my entourage never understood my feelings about that, they kept telling me that being mixed is just a chance. What they forgot is that being mixed is also not very common yet, and that being different is always displeasing.

That s why I encourage those parents to be understandable showing more empathy when they deal with those self questioning.

[chopsticks]

and sorry if i did some mistakes... english is not my first language.

[BeTheReds]

Refrain from attitudes and statements like "I'm going to raise my children to think that they are..." Or, "I'm going to make sure that my kids identify as..."

It doesn't work that way. You can try all you want, but in the end it won't work exactly how you had planned it.