Craig
10-19-2002, 12:22 PM
http://tolerance.org/parents/kidsarticle.jsp?p=0&ar=3
Crossing Social Boundaries
October 16, 2002 -- Nowhere are the unwritten yet accepted social rules that divide and confine us more evident than in the school cafeteria -- where looks, race, gender, class and other categories often determine our place.
by Dana Williams
I’ll always remember the day it arrived -- my invitation to the slumber party of the most popular girl in school. I begged my mom to take me shopping for new pajamas and a cool overnight bag.
When the day came, it was even more fun than I’d imagined. We gossiped, laughed and danced. We lip-synched to our favorite songs and everyone wanted me to do Whitney Houston -- partly because they all knew how much I loved her, and partly, I’m sure, because I was the only black girl there.
I was accustomed to being the only black person at functions -- the school I attended was mostly white, as were most of my friends. But I never felt excluded until the morning after the sleepover.
We were all getting dressed, but I was the only one who did any packing. When I asked why no one else was getting their things together, one of the girls told me, "We’re all going to a swimming party at Scott’s house. But you weren’t invited because there won’t be any black boys for you to hang out with."
Embarrassed and humiliated, I waited for my mom to pick me up while I watched them all primp and prance around, picking out their swimsuits and chatting about which boy they planned to talk to at the pool party.
I’ll never forget that day, that moment -- it was the exact second I realized that even though I was as smart, as pretty and as popular as everyone else, I was black and to some, that would always make me different.
But that moment would be the first of many others like it throughout my childhood and teenage years. And I learned that nowhere were the lines, those unwritten yet accepted social rules that divide and confine us, more evident than in the school cafeteria -- where looks, race, gender, class and other categories often determine our place.
Now that my own son has begun school, I can’t help but wonder if those same unwritten rules will define where he is and is not welcome. And as a parent, I know I must try to instill in him a spirit that’s unafraid of breaking those rules.
Luckily, a new project titled Mix It Up is aiming to make this feat a lot easier for youth, teachers and parents alike.
Mix It Up: What’s it about?
It’s about segregation, self-segregation. It’s about the way we organize ourselves at a football game, in church pews, or, most especially, in any lunchroom of any school in the country.
What boundaries define the social landscape of your child’s cafeteria? If it’s like most, it’s a virtual map of social status, ability, race, and class. It’s criss-crossed with boundaries -- some visible, some not -- that hold strong out of habit, friendship, status, or fear.
While the cafeteria table is often a comfort zone where youth can be themselves with those they know best, too often it’s a no-fly zone for outsiders.
On November 21, students across the country are going to stir things up in their school cafeterias and challenge the no-fly zones. And parents, you can help.
Asking the tough questions
Mix It Up is a campaign to challenge the habits of segregation -- by belief, interest, race, style or any other category -- in one of its most familiar settings. You can get your child thinking about it by asking these hard questions:
* What are the social groups that make up your school?
* How do groups define themselves, and how are they defined by others?
* How do these groups interact?
* Does everyone have equal access to school resources, activities and space?
* What would happen if you mixed it up? Do you want to find out?
What difference does it make?
Of course, old habits are hard to break and your child will likely wonder why mixing it up matters. You should be prepared to answer some tough questions, too.
So, what difference does it make where we sit in the lunchroom or on the school bus or at the football game? So what if we want to stick with folks like us? What’s the harm in that?
Sometimes, there is no harm. In fact, it’s good to spend time with the people you feel most comfortable with, to talk about interests you have in common and problems that you share. We benefit from the support and experience of others whose lives are most like ours.
The problems come when we can only be ourselves in groups of people like us. When that happens, we isolate ourselves from the rest of the world, which is made up of all different kinds of people.
If we don’t learn to be at home in the world, we limit the options we have about who we can be friends with, where we will live, or what kind of jobs we will consider.
Another problem happens when we only feel comfortable with people like us: we reject people who are different from us. Sometimes we do this without knowing we’re doing it.
When the outsider approaches, we may look at her without smiling or turn to speak to someone else we know or walk away. If this goes on long enough, the message is clear: we don’t hang out with people like you.
We set up a boundary that others are not able to cross. They feel shut out, excluded.
For our own good, and for the good of others around us, we can turn our personal boundary lines into bridges. We don’t have to give up our favorite groups of friends; we just need to learn how to step out of that circle from time to time and make ourselves open to new friendships.
Crossing boundaries takes practice. Lots of it. But the desire to do so truly begins at home. Supporting your teens’ efforts to take a new seat at lunch is a great way to get started!
Crossing Social Boundaries
October 16, 2002 -- Nowhere are the unwritten yet accepted social rules that divide and confine us more evident than in the school cafeteria -- where looks, race, gender, class and other categories often determine our place.
by Dana Williams
I’ll always remember the day it arrived -- my invitation to the slumber party of the most popular girl in school. I begged my mom to take me shopping for new pajamas and a cool overnight bag.
When the day came, it was even more fun than I’d imagined. We gossiped, laughed and danced. We lip-synched to our favorite songs and everyone wanted me to do Whitney Houston -- partly because they all knew how much I loved her, and partly, I’m sure, because I was the only black girl there.
I was accustomed to being the only black person at functions -- the school I attended was mostly white, as were most of my friends. But I never felt excluded until the morning after the sleepover.
We were all getting dressed, but I was the only one who did any packing. When I asked why no one else was getting their things together, one of the girls told me, "We’re all going to a swimming party at Scott’s house. But you weren’t invited because there won’t be any black boys for you to hang out with."
Embarrassed and humiliated, I waited for my mom to pick me up while I watched them all primp and prance around, picking out their swimsuits and chatting about which boy they planned to talk to at the pool party.
I’ll never forget that day, that moment -- it was the exact second I realized that even though I was as smart, as pretty and as popular as everyone else, I was black and to some, that would always make me different.
But that moment would be the first of many others like it throughout my childhood and teenage years. And I learned that nowhere were the lines, those unwritten yet accepted social rules that divide and confine us, more evident than in the school cafeteria -- where looks, race, gender, class and other categories often determine our place.
Now that my own son has begun school, I can’t help but wonder if those same unwritten rules will define where he is and is not welcome. And as a parent, I know I must try to instill in him a spirit that’s unafraid of breaking those rules.
Luckily, a new project titled Mix It Up is aiming to make this feat a lot easier for youth, teachers and parents alike.
Mix It Up: What’s it about?
It’s about segregation, self-segregation. It’s about the way we organize ourselves at a football game, in church pews, or, most especially, in any lunchroom of any school in the country.
What boundaries define the social landscape of your child’s cafeteria? If it’s like most, it’s a virtual map of social status, ability, race, and class. It’s criss-crossed with boundaries -- some visible, some not -- that hold strong out of habit, friendship, status, or fear.
While the cafeteria table is often a comfort zone where youth can be themselves with those they know best, too often it’s a no-fly zone for outsiders.
On November 21, students across the country are going to stir things up in their school cafeterias and challenge the no-fly zones. And parents, you can help.
Asking the tough questions
Mix It Up is a campaign to challenge the habits of segregation -- by belief, interest, race, style or any other category -- in one of its most familiar settings. You can get your child thinking about it by asking these hard questions:
* What are the social groups that make up your school?
* How do groups define themselves, and how are they defined by others?
* How do these groups interact?
* Does everyone have equal access to school resources, activities and space?
* What would happen if you mixed it up? Do you want to find out?
What difference does it make?
Of course, old habits are hard to break and your child will likely wonder why mixing it up matters. You should be prepared to answer some tough questions, too.
So, what difference does it make where we sit in the lunchroom or on the school bus or at the football game? So what if we want to stick with folks like us? What’s the harm in that?
Sometimes, there is no harm. In fact, it’s good to spend time with the people you feel most comfortable with, to talk about interests you have in common and problems that you share. We benefit from the support and experience of others whose lives are most like ours.
The problems come when we can only be ourselves in groups of people like us. When that happens, we isolate ourselves from the rest of the world, which is made up of all different kinds of people.
If we don’t learn to be at home in the world, we limit the options we have about who we can be friends with, where we will live, or what kind of jobs we will consider.
Another problem happens when we only feel comfortable with people like us: we reject people who are different from us. Sometimes we do this without knowing we’re doing it.
When the outsider approaches, we may look at her without smiling or turn to speak to someone else we know or walk away. If this goes on long enough, the message is clear: we don’t hang out with people like you.
We set up a boundary that others are not able to cross. They feel shut out, excluded.
For our own good, and for the good of others around us, we can turn our personal boundary lines into bridges. We don’t have to give up our favorite groups of friends; we just need to learn how to step out of that circle from time to time and make ourselves open to new friendships.
Crossing boundaries takes practice. Lots of it. But the desire to do so truly begins at home. Supporting your teens’ efforts to take a new seat at lunch is a great way to get started!