Asian men and feelings

[thaite]

At the risk of me sounding like a total pansy, how are you all, as Asian men, when it comes to expressing your feelings? Open? Closed? Middlin'?

I used to be fairly stoic and close-mouthed. Talking about feelings? No way, man. Stereotypical? I dunno. My dad was white.

To generalize for a moment, that didn't fly with the Hispanic girls I've dated. Those women really want to know what you feel, and they want to hear you tell them. Suffice to say, it took me a few tries and a few women to get it into my head. It's a lot easier and much more natural now.

So now, when I look around and try to date Asian women, I'm finding that not only do they expect stoicism from men, but they themselves are fairly closed. It's difficult to draw them out past superficialities, and I feel like an idiot because sometimes I really put myself out.

Maybe it's stoicism, maybe it's stereotype, maybe it's the hapa thing, but Asian women find me odd and I'm finding that maybe I can't relate to them.

I guess this post touches on different points, but really, just the first one: How well do you say what you feel? -- and not just when you're mad.



<!--EDIT|buoywonder|Oct 16 2002, 02:02 AM-->

[achtungbaby]

With each passing day, I find myself getting more and more withdrawn with my feelings but at the same time, having crazier episodes of losing my temper -- just like my dad! My partial-theory for this: I've sorta adapted to women.

[Arex]

It varies for me depending on who I'm with. For the most part, I'm pretty stoic. If I don't know you that well and you don't know me, I just don't feel like subjecting you to my emotions, whether it's joy or sorrow. Same goes for larger group settings. On the other hand, if I'm with a smaller group of people that I'm close to, I generally don't have a problem opening up and sharing. In my relationships, I find that I've been more open about my emotions than the girls were. That was always frustrating.

Alex

[Craig]

I think in this culture, men are pretty much taught to keep their feelings to themselves. If you are emotional and open, I guess we may think that others would perceive us as "less of a man". Also, there as many issues one faces as an Asian man in this society than only Asian men can really relate to. Don't really want other people to be making judgements and accusations on you because of it. I am not really that open with women in general, since there are many things which that can't relate. Also, we tend to be more careful relative to what women think. I'm not really sure what the norn is for Asian men, just me, as an Asian man in this society.

[deez nuts]

I'm pretty closed about expressing my feelings.

[bluecollarjap]

i am most definitely stoic. i'm always getting the "what are you thinking, how do you feel, why don't you share anything" nag nag. i don't know why this is. i figure its a cultural thing learned at a very young age, my mother was only around to when i was 5. then again some chicks love the stoic, cold, rough thing.

[SunWuKong]

i'm pretty stoic and quiet now. i didn't used to be like that when i was younger. and with girls, i was such a try-hard back then.

[ChinaLama]

i don't have feelings to share. i'm not stoic, just stone-hearted. :(

But I don't think i'm really good at hiding my feelings, if i have any. I also used to have very volatile emotions; like one minute i'd be pretty happy and the next moment i'd go into a trying-to-be-violent rage. But since the latter part of high school or so, i've just become apathetic and can't muster much more than annoyance anymore.

[wylin]

these are my feelings
- anger
- rage
- tired
- gas
- boost
- pressure
- release
- sleep

[amietron]

reading this thread has got me giggling and saying "awww" simultaneously. you guys are so. . cute talking about feelings n stuff. =)

[artsfartsyjanet]

hehe.... I know, it's too cute. Please continue guys.

[mrazntre]

i'm pretty straight forward with my feelings, but not always. If i feel hurt by someone, i usually harbor those feelings and spite them to hell. when i'm in a relationship, i try to let the other person know how i'm feeling. sometimes i keep it inside when the other person is being really ignorant and blow me off. that really pisses me off. i try to be as open as possible, but at other times i keep it all inside.


i'm a gemini. . . what can i say... .

[ChinaLama]

Originally posted by mrazntre@Oct 17 2002, 05:10 AM
If i feel hurt by someone, i usually harbor those feelings and spite them to hell.
i'm the same way. :D except like i'll "forget" that i'm pissed off at someone, but anything that kinda upsets me re: that person will bring like EVERY old grudge or slight in my mind.

[karizma]

>> you guys are so adorable lol...*pinches your cheeks*

>> gee...i hope im not a girl that inhibits guys from feeling comfortable around me or expressing their emotions. i figure if i say whatevers on my mind and whatnot that the guy will feel more at ease to say whats on his...im hoping this is the right approach?

[mrazntre]

Originally posted by karizma@Oct 17 2002, 07:02 AM
>> gee...i hope im not a girl that inhibits guys from feeling comfortable around me or expressing their emotions. i figure if i say whatevers on my mind and whatnot that the guy will feel more at ease to say whats on his...im hoping this is the right approach?
or sometimes, gee, i'll just use a pictoral aid.

[bigwong235]

Originally posted by ChinaLama@Oct 16 2002, 09:14 PM
Originally posted by mrazntre@Oct 17 2002, 05:10 AM
If i feel hurt by someone, i usually harbor those feelings and spite them to hell.
i'm the same way. :D except like i'll "forget" that i'm pissed off at someone, but anything that kinda upsets me re: that person will bring like EVERY old grudge or slight in my mind.
i'm like that a lot... i tend to just let stuff go, but keep it in the back of my mind.

i'm pretty stoic. don't really like to talk about my feelings much. some people think they know what i'm feeling, but most of the time they're wrong. the only time i ever talk about emotional stuff in-depth is when it's just too much for me to handle and i'm just overwhelmed.

[wylin]

Originally posted by amietron@Oct 16 2002, 08:31 PM
reading this thread has got me giggling and saying "awww" simultaneously. you guys are so. . cute talking about feelings n stuff. =)
seriously im a quiet person i can be loud or seem to be all happy but really deep down i denno, but i dont like to let that kind of lack of confidence show. Just press forward feelings be dammed person i am. Things might be terriblely goin wrong but really i wont show it because really for a man to be sad or cry or what not openly then hez not a man hez a fool. those are my 2 cents.

[SunWuKong]

Originally posted by amietron@Oct 16 2002, 11:31 PM
reading this thread has got me giggling and saying "awww" simultaneously. you guys are so. . cute talking about feelings n stuff. =)

Originally posted by artsfartsyjanet@Oct 16 2002, 11:33 PM
hehe.... I know, it's too cute. Please continue guys.

Originally posted by karizma@Oct 17 2002, 02:02 AM
>> you guys are so adorable lol...*pinches your cheeks*


aiya... see this is one of the reasons i'm quiet about how i feel. <_<

[innternal]

am most definitely stoic. i'm always getting the "what are you thinking, how do you feel, why don't you share anything" nag nag. i don't know why this is. i figure its a cultural thing learned at a very young age, my mother was only around to when i was 5. then again some chicks love the stoic, cold, rough thing.

ditto, except i'm just shy. And if there ever was a chick who liked the stoic, cold, rough thing... i think i still scare them away. I'm extremely quiet around new people, but if I'm able to feel comfortable hanging around with them, then I can be a real joker. But as for emotions, I pretty much keep them to myself. It eats away at me and I go crazy.

Tell me, girls... would you want guys to express themselves to one they like??

[amietron]

Originally posted by SunWuKung@Oct 17 2002, 09:11 AM
aiya... see this is one of the reasons i'm quiet about how i feel. <_<
only the manliest of men confess. mad props from me. :)

[amietron]

Originally posted by innternal@Oct 17 2002, 11:22 AM
am most definitely stoic. i'm always getting the "what are you thinking, how do you feel, why don't you share anything" nag nag. i don't know why this is. i figure its a cultural thing learned at a very young age, my mother was only around to when i was 5. then again some chicks love the stoic, cold, rough thing.

ditto, except i'm just shy. And if there ever was a chick who liked the stoic, cold, rough thing... i think i still scare them away. I'm extremely quiet around new people, but if I'm able to feel comfortable hanging around with them, then I can be a real joker. But as for emotions, I pretty much keep them to myself. It eats away at me and I go crazy.

Tell me, girls... would you want guys to express themselves to one they like??
i think you can sorta tell when the guy is feeling down or sad. after a little bit of pushing "what's wrong?" "_____, what's wrong? tell me." and pestering, and trying to get through the protective wall, i like when the guy gives in a little bit and says what's on his mind. i don't like knowing something is wrong, so i try to fix whatever it is, or do what i can.. or something like that.

[tapestrybabe]

Originally posted by innternal@Oct 17 2002, 02:22 PM
Tell me, girls... would you want guys to express themselves to one they like??
yeah... i feel if a guy is able to express themselves to the one they like... that like shows a sign of trust and that they feel comfortable around you... and i for one when i have an interest in someone else... i'm always ever so much curious what they are thinking and feeling inside...

[amietron]

Originally posted by tapestrybabe@Oct 17 2002, 12:52 PM
Originally posted by innternal@Oct 17 2002, 02:22 PM
Tell me, girls... would you want guys to express themselves to one they like??
yeah... i feel if a guy is able to express themselves to the one they like... that like shows a sign of trust and that they feel comfortable around you... and i for one when i have an interest in someone else... i'm always ever so much curious what they are thinking and feeling inside...
when i'm interested in someone in the relationship sense, i think i'm more curious in what the other person is thinking or feeling, because i'm interested in what people are thinking and feeling regardless.

[angel nympho]

Originally posted by tapestrybabe@Oct 17 2002, 08:52 PM
Originally posted by innternal@Oct 17 2002, 02:22 PM
Tell me, girls... would you want guys to express themselves to one they like??
yeah... i feel if a guy is able to express themselves to the one they like... that like shows a sign of trust and that they feel comfortable around you... and i for one when i have an interest in someone else... i'm always ever so much curious what they are thinking and feeling inside...
Yeah, but sometimes guys who are TOO emotional are... icky. :gross: I mean... come on! Be a man! I'll be the girl!

[SunWuKong]

Originally posted by angel nympho@Oct 17 2002, 06:42 PM
Originally posted by tapestrybabe@Oct 17 2002, 08:52 PM
Originally posted by innternal@Oct 17 2002, 02:22 PM
Tell me, girls... would you want guys to express themselves to one they like??
yeah... i feel if a guy is able to express themselves to the one they like... that like shows a sign of trust and that they feel comfortable around you... and i for one when i have an interest in someone else... i'm always ever so much curious what they are thinking and feeling inside...
Yeah, but sometimes guys who are TOO emotional are... icky. :gross: I mean... come on! Be a man! I'll be the girl!
and that would be another reason why i am quiet and aloof. i don't want to look like a wuss. however, i have noticed that i open up pretty easily to girls that are off-limits.

[karizma]

>> nothing pisses me off more than a guy who keeps whats bothering him inside. i dont like bothering guys about whats wrong its just not the way i do things and i find that its easier to let them know that they can come to me anytime and talk about whats pissin em off. im not the most sensitive person either so i dont mind if my guy isnt.

>> okay and yea a guy who is overly emotional is kinda...blech...i used to make fun of this guy i dated for crying when i said it wouldnt work haha...ok im a cruel heartless bitch but geez...it was ONLY 2 WEEKS!! um yea... i like it when a guy has enough guts to tell me what he's feeling though...ok im goin nowhere with this..YOU GET MY POINT



<!--EDIT|karizma|Oct 18 2002, 12:05 AM-->

[SunWuKong]

Originally posted by karizma@Oct 17 2002, 07:04 PM
i used to make fun of this guy i dated for crying when i said it wouldnt work
yeah he deserved to get his ass laughed at.

[deez nuts]

Originally posted by karizma@Oct 17 2002, 07:04 PM
um yea... i like it when a guy has enough guts to tell me what he's feeling though...ok im goin nowhere with this..YOU GET MY POINT
forget this sharing your emotion is caring crap.....less talk more nookie. And if not, silence is golden.

gf: why don't you talk to me and tell me what's going on in your head.

me: I'm thinking you should go get me a beer and lemme watch some sportscenter. :D

[karizma]

>> personally i only like talking about emotions when somethings bothering me...otherwise...its nice if everyone just shuts up and strips nekkid or turns on the tv..or hey both!

[deez nuts]

Originally posted by karizma@Oct 17 2002, 07:16 PM
>> personally i only like talking about emotions when somethings bothering me...otherwise...its nice if everyone just shuts up and strips nekkid or turns on the tv..or hey both!
sportscenter > sex

[ChinaLama]

Originally posted by karizma@Oct 18 2002, 12:04 AM
>> nothing pisses me off more than a guy who keeps whats bothering him inside. i dont like bothering guys about whats wrong its just not the way i do things and i find that its easier to let them know that they can come to me anytime and talk about whats pissin em off. im not the most sensitive person either so i dont mind if my guy isnt.

>> okay and yea a guy who is overly emotional is kinda...blech...i used to make fun of this guy i dated for crying when i said it wouldnt work haha...ok im a cruel heartless bitch but geez...it was ONLY 2 WEEKS!! um yea... i like it when a guy has enough guts to tell me what he's feeling though...ok im goin nowhere with this..YOU GET MY POINT
yup, real men don't get weepy. they get BLLLUUUUUUDy.

Then again, i dunno if you'd respect him more if he just ended up killing all your bfs after him. :(

[mrazntre]

i cried.



my ex ex ex psychopath gf took my playstation........ no more GT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


:cry:

[amietron]

Originally posted by Chasiubao_Boy@Oct 17 2002, 04:18 PM
sportscenter > sex
dude. how's about sex while watching sc?

[Craig]

Originally posted by amietron@Oct 18 2002, 03:18 AM
Originally posted by Chasiubao_Boy@Oct 17 2002, 04:18 PM
sportscenter > sex
dude. how's about sex while watching sc?

If he's like most guys he'll think it's too much of a distraction, but BJs while watching sc are a different story :rolleyes:

[amietron]

Originally posted by Craig@Oct 17 2002, 07:46 PM
Originally posted by amietron@Oct 18 2002, 03:18 AM
Originally posted by Chasiubao_Boy@Oct 17 2002, 04:18 PM
sportscenter > sex
dude. how's about sex while watching sc?

If he's like most guys he'll think it's too much of a distraction, but BJs while watching sc are a different story :rolleyes:
i don't think i'd mind either, geez.

[Craig]

Originally posted by amietron@Oct 18 2002, 04:38 AM
Originally posted by Craig@Oct 17 2002, 07:46 PM
Originally posted by amietron@Oct 18 2002, 03:18 AM
Originally posted by Chasiubao_Boy@Oct 17 2002, 04:18 PM
sportscenter > sex
dude. how's about sex while watching sc?

If he's like most guys he'll think it's too much of a distraction, but BJs while watching sc are a different story :rolleyes:
i don't think i'd mind either, geez.
Sex would block him from seeing the television.

[kimpossible]

My husband rents British or Chinese dramas and always cries at the end. I hate chick flicks, so he has to watch them with his mom.

[ChinaLama]

Originally posted by Hello_Hapa@Oct 18 2002, 04:43 PM
My husband rents British or Chinese dramas and always cries at the end. I hate chick flicks, so he has to watch them with his mom.
so do you say to him, "SAVE THE DRAMA FO YO MAMA?"

[deez nuts]

Originally posted by ChinaLama@Oct 19 2002, 01:33 AM
Originally posted by Hello_Hapa@Oct 18 2002, 04:43 PM
My husband rents British or Chinese dramas and always cries at the end. I hate chick flicks, so he has to watch them with his mom.
so do you say to him, "SAVE THE DRAMA FO YO MAMA?"
And he does.

Props to the hubby, I can't sit thru a chick flick. Can I borrow him and use him as a sub when my girl gets in one of those chick flick moods?

[kimpossible]

Originally posted by Chasiubao_Boy@Oct 19 2002, 05:56 AM
Originally posted by ChinaLama@Oct 19 2002, 01:33 AM
Originally posted by Hello_Hapa@Oct 18 2002, 04:43 PM
My husband rents British or Chinese dramas and always cries at the end. I hate chick flicks, so he has to watch them with his mom.
so do you say to him, "SAVE THE DRAMA FO YO MAMA?"
And he does.

Props to the hubby, I can't sit thru a chick flick. Can I borrow him and use him as a sub when my girl gets in one of those chick flick moods?
Ha! If you trust him around your girl. I wouldn't.

[deez nuts]

Originally posted by Hello_Hapa@Oct 19 2002, 02:56 PM
Originally posted by Chasiubao_Boy@Oct 19 2002, 05:56 AM
Originally posted by ChinaLama@Oct 19 2002, 01:33 AM
Originally posted by Hello_Hapa@Oct 18 2002, 04:43 PM
My husband rents British or Chinese dramas and always cries at the end. I hate chick flicks, so he has to watch them with his mom.
so do you say to him, "SAVE THE DRAMA FO YO MAMA?"
And he does.

Props to the hubby, I can't sit thru a chick flick. Can I borrow him and use him as a sub when my girl gets in one of those chick flick moods?
Ha! If you trust him around your girl. I wouldn't.
I trust my girl around your husband. It's all good.

[mydnyht]

I hate talking to people about how I feel, and I want people to be able to confide in me... if they don't, it either doesn't bother me, or I feel as though I did something wrong, and it's my fault, altho I should know better.