(S)He's Cheating!!!

[nonamerasian]

There was this discussion about when, if ever, to tell someone that his/her S.O. is cheating.

All involved in the talk agreed that we wouldn't tell in most situations.

Someone said that she would and has told as a way to get back at one of those involved, but that's her only exception.

Although I never have, I said that I'd possibly tell one of them if her boyfriend were cheating because of our friendship. Another exception might be if someone's S.O. were sleeping around with someone known to have a STD, regardless of relationship.

A couple of people said that you don't tell no matter what. One of my friends holds this point of view and said that I shouldn't even tell her if her boyfriend was cheating.

But the other no-matter-whaters said that they'd want to be told if they were the one being cheated on.

What's your stand?

[sOKaLiBoY]

if it's one of my good friends and i know for a fact, i would tell them.

[mrazntre]

depends on how close you are to the person and who you value more as a friend (if you're friends to both people).

i'd never tell about my homies, but i'd tell them in an instant if their S.O. was fucking around.

[kimpossible]

at my age it's messier i think. most people i know are married, about half have kids. unless it was a close friend and i knew the partner was doing risky stuff and even then i'd either point it out to the friend indirectly, or i'd go confront the cheater to take care of it.

but unless it was a special case, it's not my place. and when the shit hits the fan i want no part in it.

[mrazntre]

at my age it's messier i think. most people i know are married, about half have kids. unless it was a close friend and i knew the partner was doing risky stuff and even then i'd either point it out to the friend indirectly, or i'd go confront the cheater to take care of it.

but unless it was a special case, it's not my place. and when the shit hits the fan i want no part in it.

but then that would mean you'd be getting some shit cuz they'd accuse you of knowing but not telling them. that could be quite messy.

[asvenus]

at my age it's messier i think. most people i know are married, about half have kids. unless it was a close friend and i knew the partner was doing risky stuff and even then i'd either point it out to the friend indirectly, or i'd go confront the cheater to take care of it.

but unless it was a special case, it's not my place. and when the shit hits the fan i want no part in it.

totally...in Jamaica they have a saying..'stay out of married peoples business', simple yet true!! normally you end up like looking like a fool and get lots of resentment directed at you...i've been told before( :frown: ) but i valued the friend that told me so didnt get pissed with her or anything, but ive seen cases where the opposite has happened

[moJo]

if my friend was being cheated on, i'd definitely tell him/her. it would be a MUCH stickier situation if i was friends with both of them. i probably wouldn't rat on the cheater in this case, but i'd really urge him/her to tell their S.O.

[applehead]

i asked my gfs this question after reading
a article where 75% of the women polled
said they would not wish to find out from
a friend if their bf or husbands was cheating.

all my friends said no too.
i don't think i'd like to hear it from friend either.
i know it won't be their fault but deep inside
i will mostly likely end up resenting her if she
broke the bad news to me.

[pikachupacabra]

this is just as bad as that one mario winans song where he's all like "uhh, uhh, i don't wanna know if you're playing me, uhh, keep on skanking around behind my back, uhh uhh, oh yeah, i gave you extra cheese go rappin p diddy uhhh don't tell me cuz i'm a sucker like that uhhh".

I'd rather know than not know, even if it has to come from a friend who's doing the horizontal shuffle with my sig. I think they'd probably feel less guilty, and I'd regain some respect if my friend was honest enough with me to come out and tell me what happened. I'd probably end up not being on the best of terms with either of the people, but at least it would give me a semblance of closure.

[moJo]

i asked my gfs this question after reading
a article where 75% of the women polled
said they would not wish to find out from
a friend if their bf or husbands was cheating.

all my friends said no too.
i don't think i'd like to hear it from friend either.
i know it won't be their fault but deep inside
i will mostly likely end up resenting her if she
broke the bad news to me.
seriously?! i find that so odd... i would totally want to find out, no question about it. even if it's from a friend. if i don't hear it from the SO himself, i wanna know in ANY other way possible, as long as i'm not in the dark. i hate being in the dark with anything.

this is just as bad as that one mario winans song where he's all like "uhh, uhh, i don't wanna know if you're playing me, uhh, keep on skanking around behind my back, uhh uhh, oh yeah, i gave you extra cheese go rappin p diddy uhhh don't tell me cuz i'm a sucker like that uhhh".

yeah i totally hate the lyrics to that song, cuz i just don't get that kinda thinking! ignorance is not bliss, esp in this case...

[kimpossible]

but then that would mean you'd be getting some shit cuz they'd accuse you of knowing but not telling them. that could be quite messy.

not really. i'm a supportive friend but if someone i knew continually tried to set the responsibilty on my shoulders and not the partner/spouse they'd find themselves shorter by one friend. i'd let it slide at first because it's understandable to be upset.

i could be wrong but i think our difference in perspective may be your social circle is probably still unmarried while mine is married, children. on the other hand, if it happened to say my sister or another family member - yes, i'd get involved.

[tommyhtown]

Tough call. I'd tell only if it happens to people who are close to me like my family members or very close friends.

[kitty]

depends on the situation. if i value the 'victim' as a friend than absolutely, but there might be special circumstances in which i think the cheater might have good reason...

[moJo]

but there might be special circumstances in which i think the cheater might have good reason...
of course, now i gotta ask, hehe...what kind of special circumstances?

[kimpossible]

of course, now i gotta ask, hehe...what kind of special circumstances?

hah, moJo. glad you asked, i was wondering the same. :smile:

i think she means like the relationship is already over for the most part. something like that.

[Irezumi Kiss]

^ I think maybe some couples could be or are in situations where emotional & sexual neglect/indifference are in motion and the need for some sort of affection makes either side cheat, either for self-gratification or for emotional payback, or both. Maybe even one of them knows about it but could be in denial...I would never judge anyone too swiftly at first cuz people can really be cruel to each other sometimes...both the cheater and the cheated upon...

That's why there's always two sides to those stories and since you're only peripheral to them at best, you gotta tread carefully. On the other hand, if you have a strong feeling that there's gonna be some physical hell to pay later on down the line once the gig is up — and eventually the chickens DO come home to roost, usually not in a gregarious manner — only then I'd step in and say something in order to diffuse potential shit from flying.

[moJo]

^ I think maybe some couples could be or are in situations where emotional & sexual neglect/indifference are in motion and the need for some sort of affection makes either side cheat, either for self-gratification or for emotional payback, or both. Maybe even one of them knows about it but could be in denial...I would never judge anyone too swiftly at first cuz people can really be cruel to each other sometimes...both the cheater and the cheated upon...

That's why there's always two sides to those stories and since you're only peripheral to them at best, you gotta tread carefully. On the other hand, if you have a strong feeling that there's gonna be some physical hell to pay later on down the line once the gig is up — and eventually the chickens DO come home to roost, usually not in a gregarious manner — only then I'd step in and say something in order to diffuse potential shit from flying.
that's what i thought Kitty was alluding to, but if there's neglect or indifference in a non-marriage relationship...well...um...break up? however, if they're married, and one person refuses to divorce the other or something like that, then i can understand it. offtopic, but can you divorce your spouse if they refuse to sign divorce papers?

[mrazntre]

i don't think so.

I guess I'm wrong, according to the following site, you don't need the other person's signature, the papers just have to be delivered to them

http://www.thedivorcecenter.com/frequently_asked_questions.htm

*in NJ

[John0101]

if it's one of my good friends and i know for a fact, i would tell them.

exactly. then gang up on the kid and beat the shit out of him (if my friend would want too).