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kitty
05-11-2004, 10:31 AM
Van Helsing: A Frankenstein of a Movie

If one were to imagine campiness as a ruler with two extremes, Stephen Sommers, director of The Mummy, The Mummy Returns and Van Helsing, would be in danger of taking a swan-dive right off the edge of excessive. The Mummy was fun, entertaining, and didn't take itself too seriously, creating a summer blockbuster out of a somewhat shaky premise. Fast forward to The Mummy Returns, where Sommers heightened the jokiness, cut out the realism, and generally created a campy comedy that appealed to some while making most groan -- all culminating in a writhingly painful finale, reminiscent of Silver Age comic books, in which the Mummy villain looks up and screams "Whyyyyyy?" at the top of his lungs.

Thankfully dropping The Mummy series, Sommers turned, this year, to Van Helsing, an 'homage' (or perhaps 'hack job'?) of the classic horror films of the past. As in last summer's League of Extraordinary Gentelmen, favourite horror villains make cameo appearances in a storyline that incorporates such lovable characters as Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde, Count Dracula, and Frankenstein. Hugh Jackman (aussie and championship belcher) stars as the immortal hunter of evil, Van Helsing, while Kate Beckinsale plays the seductive Transylvanian gypsy, Anna Valerious, charged with bringing Count Dracula down. David Wenham is Van Helsing's friar sidekick, Carl, the brains of the operation and perhaps the only truly brilliant aspect of the entire film.

In Van Helsing, Sommers' campiness has reached unbearable levels, as one wonders if he thinks he is directing a mainstream film or a B movie. He might argue both -- however, the melodramatic writhing of Dracula's concubines are less homages as they are horrible. Much of the film's over-the-top acting and dialogue cuts right through the realm of funny and lands smack dab in the middle of just plain bad.

But, even if one were to ignore the melodrama, or at least write it off as artistic license, Van Helsing cannot escape the affliction of a sheer lack of a thought-out storyline. Anecdotally, my boyfriend fell asleep during the middle half of the movie, and when he woke up, asked to be filled in on key plot points (such as Van Helsing's origin story and, particularly, why he is immortal). I realized, as I tried to explain these details to him, that my boyfriend hadn't missed a thing; these questions had never been addressed.

Van Helsing, the movie, is like a Frankenstein monster -- a cannibalistic salvaging of existing film classics to form a single entity with lots of physical substance, but with very little going on upstairs. The lack of any real plot helps make it an excellent eye candy piece, and indeed, the CGI and make-up departments for Van Helsing outdid themselves in the creation of the various monsters (though Richard Roxburgh is a little unengaging as Dracula). Sommers creates an enthralling environment for his film, an 18th century world where magic and monsters are as much a reality as the Vampire Hunter D rip-off that Van Helsing's character embodies. Scenes like the Wolfman's transformation, and the carriage chase scene, are visually stunning, and Sommers knows it, including them in most of the trailers. A master at sequels, Sommers seems to know exactly how to milk a cash cow for all it's worth. Van Helsing, not only spawned a video game of the same title -- before the film even debuted -- but the film also concludes with a nearly perfect ending for a follow-up film, with a cliched 'riding off into the sunset'.

Fans who may have seen the original films that Sommers draws upon may appreciate this newest addition to the monster classics genre, however, the rest of the populace tricked into thinking this would be a pop culture blockbuster will be sadly disappointed. While the eye candy cgi effects are satisfying and entertaining, one should not underrate the importance of a good plot. Sommers', unfortunately, committed this critical error, and the result is a painfully horrendous monstrousity of a film, second only to Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen's New York Minute.

rice cracker
05-11-2004, 11:01 AM
Painfully horrendous monstrosity of a film? Ouch, baby, ouch.

TB4000
05-11-2004, 01:37 PM
Yeah, I do admit that his Wolverine-like lifespan wasn't really given a lot of exposition...all they gave was when Dracula said that he was the left hand of God, basically he was born with the purpose to do God's work, hence his being alive for so long. But if you don't catch it, it's quick.

rice cracker
05-11-2004, 01:41 PM
Loose ends = sequal! =D

Irezumi Kiss
05-11-2004, 02:07 PM
Kitty, you're merciless!

My drops on this flick, which I saw Sunday night:

- The narrative structure was an utter MESS: D+

- Turn off your brain and enjoy the ride factor: A

- The brief homage to the 007 Bond & Q scenes: B+

- Campiness of the Dracula Brides: B

- Igor: A

- Hugh Jackman as Van Helsing...BOOORING: D-

- Wolfman (men?): A

- Unexpected humor during battle scenes: B+

- Kate Beckinsale's brief, gratuitous booty shot in the beginning: A+

- Accents: F

- The fact that only in movies can a regular human being fall 100+ feet through tree branches, stone walls, ice and other material substances, and walk away uninjured on the ground, ready to fight again with all dexterity intact: PRICELESS

rice cracker
05-11-2004, 02:21 PM
- The fact that only in movies can a regular human being fall 100+ feet through tree branches, stone walls, ice and other material substances, and walk away uninjured on the ground, ready to fight again with all dexterity intact: PRICELESS

Yes, not only that, but then die after being thrown onto a couch...puahahahahaha!

yoMAMA
05-11-2004, 04:06 PM
i can't believe frankenstein, mr hyde and wolfmen all made it in the movie...it's like a monsters hall of hame..... :tongue:

TB4000
05-11-2004, 04:08 PM
Stephen Sommers says that for the next one he wants to get the invisble man and the creature from the black lagoon, and a couple more classic monsters, like the Mole People or that praying mantis thing.

tommyhtown
05-16-2004, 03:08 PM
I want ~2 hours of my life back. I hope there will no sequel.

ism
05-16-2004, 03:40 PM
I don't know what people were expecting. Everyone did set my expectations low enough for me to actually enjoy it. Certainly not intellectual, or even trying to be serious, and seeing as how stupid an attempt at that made Underworld seem, is a Good Thing. View the monster classics in its black and white glory today, and it will be excessive and melodramatic. Exactly what this movie is. I'd say that's a perfect homage.

The only really bad thing was the editing. A lot of things were left loose and I assume the exposition was cut out, as a lot of scene changes were jarring and were WTFish. In the end, the pacing was still a little off, with the movie being too slow in some place, so maybe I should be thankful.

I donno what to make of the Van Helsing mythos. He remembers none of his past and gets horrible nightmares. His name is Gabriel. He is called the Left Hand of God. In the Bible, the Archangel Gabriel sits at the left hand of god, so if they are supposed to be the same, that would explain his long life. Any Mormons? The Church of LDS, if I'm not mistaken, believes Noah was the mortal incarnation of Gabriel. I suppose that's something for the sequel(s).

Faithless
08-22-2004, 09:25 AM
Oh, you were actually supposed to read something else into this movie, other than just watch it for the special affects and action sequences?

It comes out on DVD in September.

Irezumi Kiss
08-23-2004, 02:13 PM
I still need to catch this flick...(on Netflix)...

I saw "The Mummy" (passable)..."The Mummy Returns" (okay)..."Scorpion King"(fun).....helmed by the same director...
Wow...YOU haven't seen this yet?

I think it's better being seen on a big screen...one of "those" kind of movies...unless your home system is totally rigged out!