Ppl who can't handle mixed marriages

[kimpossible]

<rant>

Why do people who obviously can't handle a white and Asian relationship get married? I'm not talking about other people disapproving of intermarriage, I'm talking about the people who get married.

Most of my friends are Chinese and outside of me there is occasionally an additional foreigner spouse there. One lady is married to a white American and he's really pissing me off. We speak English for him, otherwise everyone would be speaking Mandarin and I would just tough through it. There is a point to this. So, out of courtesy we're using English and then the jerk starts to make fun of his wife's English! And the rest of us all knew what she meant because all she did was use Chinese grammar in English.

I wanted to punch him.

And then (long rant) in another case, this guy marries a white American girl, no probs there as far as race, but she refuses to learn Mandarin and the family is basically fobs. So the girl forbids her husband and his mom from speaking Mandarin while she's present. WTF? She never calls her MIL "Mom" "Ma" "Ma-ma" "Mahmee" just "You" or doesn't address her at all.

I wanted to slap that girl. Her mother-in-law is so sweet, she's one of my aunties. To treat your family and an elder like that - it makes me sick.

</rant>

p.s. we needed a new rant :)



<!--EDIT|Hello_Hapa|Sep 5 2002, 10:34 AM-->

[johnny]

you just explained the probs with interracial marriages right there....

i would strongly prefer to marry my own just for that comfort no BS down the road...also, she would have similar background, views, and thinking as myself.

[deez nuts]

Most of my friends are Chinese and outside of me there is occasionally an additional foreigner spouse there. One lady is married to a white American and he's really pissing me off. We speak English for him, otherwise everyone one be speaking Mandarin and I would just tough through it. There is a point to this. So, out of courtesy we're using English and then the jerk starts to make fun of his wife's English! And the rest of us all knew what she meant because all she did was use Chinese grammar in English.

What an idiot.


And then (long rant) in another case, this guy marries a white American girl, no probs there as far as race, but she refuses to learn Mandarin and the family is basically fobs. So the girl forbids her husband and his mom from speaking Mandarin while she's present. WTF? She never calls her MIL "Mom" "Ma" "Ma-ma" "Mahmee" just "You" or doesn't address her at all.

I wanted to slap that girl. Her mother-in-law is so sweet, she's one of my aunties. To treat your family and an elder like that - it makes me sick.

Jesus, money is the most whipped. That's bullshit. I don't come between my girl's mom, she shouldn't come between me and my mom for petty shit.
Tell him to grow a sac <grin> and break it down to her. Sheessh.

I'm not against interracial relationships, but I would like to marry Chinese, for the obvious reasons (communication, background etc etc). But from the looks of it, I think it might not happen. I think I am going the Korean route, curses!



<!--EDIT|Chasiubao_Boy|Sep 5 2002, 01:32 PM-->

[SunWuKong]

perhaps they have excellent tolerance level. but i'm not sure i would let my woman disrespect my mother.

[amietron]

Originally posted by johnny@Sep 5 2002, 10:19 AM
you just explained the probs with interracial marriages right there....

i would strongly prefer to marry my own just for that comfort no BS down the road...also, she would have similar background, views, and thinking as myself.
That's not entirely true. You sound like you just want to marry a female Johnny. I'm sure she's out there somewhere, but why would you want to marry someone who reflects yourself that much? It's like always seeing yourself in the mirror. All marriages have problems/BS of one sort or another. It's inevitable. Don't tell me otherwise.

[kimpossible]

Originally posted by johnny@Sep 5 2002, 10:19 AM
you just explained the probs with interracial marriages right there....
It's challenging yes but I think the certain challenges should be pretty obvious from the get go in an interracial/international marriage. The examples I cited above are some of the worst, outside of domestic violence of course, I've heard or experienced.

Some mixed marriages work really well but for a rant, the bad examples are best. Besides, a lot of it just boggles my mind. What's so difficult about learning just a little Mandarin? Why the attitude where you force people to speak English for you? I mean, what kind of example is this going to set for their kids?

[achtungbaby]

Originally posted by SunWuKung@Sep 5 2002, 10:34 AM
perhaps they have excellent tolerance level. but i'm not sure i would let my woman disrespect my mother.
Hellllll no, not *my* momma! :lol:

[Chris]

Originally posted by johnny@Sep 5 2002, 10:19 AM
you just explained the probs with interracial marriages right there....

i would strongly prefer to marry my own just for that comfort no BS down the road...also, she would have similar background, views, and thinking as myself.
That is so not true. What HH express is only a minority of the stories that I have heard and my friends who are in interracial couple. I have friends who are now bilingual because they took the time to learn thier spouses languages and in turned learn more about the culture. They were like "hey if my wife/husband can learn english and the american culture,why can't I do the same? While yes I have known some couples that would refuse to do that. For the most part, it is mostly what marriage is about. To learn and share each other love and grow from it.

[johnny]

the reason why i strongly feel it is my opinion....

I'm not going to end up in a divorce like 60% + of you will...

[kimpossible]

Originally posted by johnny@Sep 5 2002, 12:09 PM
the reason why i strongly feel it is my opinion....

I'm not going to end up in a divorce like 60% + of you will...
Okay. Fair enough, but what is 'your own' and how does that make a happier marriage? Additionally, why do you think people would place their mates like this in such a difficult spot? It's not they woke up some morning and realized "Whoah - yer Asian?" Does nervousness play a part in it? Are they afraid of not fitting in or looking foolish?

Or is it a bigger issue of control? Or, hey, could the idea be it's America so get used to being American?

On the flip side, I saw this blonde guy with a Chinese girlfriend at a bookstore. The blondie spoke awesome Mandarin with his girlfriend! He spoke hesitantly so I could tell he wasn't an ex-pat kid but that's what I thought made it so cool. He made such a tremendous effort.

[deez nuts]

Originally posted by johnny@Sep 5 2002, 03:09 PM
the reason why i strongly feel it is my opinion....

I'm not going to end up in a divorce like 60% + of you will...
Yo don't know that only the magic 8sian ball knows. That ball is omniscent, don't underestimate the smooth, black ball.

[Arex]

Originally posted by Chasiubao_Boy@Sep 5 2002, 01:50 PM
Yo don't know that only the magic 8sian ball knows. &nbsp;That ball is omniscent, don't underestimate the smooth, black ball.
Perhaps he's already consulted with the Magic 8 Ball...=)

My boss's little brother (Korean American) married this caucasian woman. She was allegedly cool before the marriage but as soon as they tied the knot, she started getting all weird such as by refusing not only to eat Korean food herself, but by refusing to allow him to eat Korean. WTF?! I'm thinking the guy should one day just run away and leave a jar of kimchee on the pillow next to her as she sleeps.

Alex

[deez nuts]

Originally posted by Arex@Sep 5 2002, 06:18 PM
Originally posted by Chasiubao_Boy@Sep 5 2002, 01:50 PM
Yo don't know that only the magic 8sian ball knows. That ball is omniscent, don't underestimate the smooth, black ball.
Perhaps he's already consulted with the Magic 8 Ball...=)

My boss's little brother (Korean American) married this caucasian woman. She was allegedly cool before the marriage but as soon as they tied the knot, she started getting all weird such as by refusing not only to eat Korean food herself, but by refusing to allow him to eat Korean. WTF?! I'm thinking the guy should one day just run away and leave a jar of kimchee on the pillow next to her as she sleeps.

Alex
Speaking of which. I noticed that trend when an asian male marries a white woman. Seems like his identity and/or balls just go out the window. You think it's because the wifey puts pressure on him?

Geez don't think I can live like that.

[kimpossible]

Arex, if there's ever a poll for favorite YW poster, you've got my vote. You crack me up time after time.

btw, if he tried Magic 8sian Ball lately he'll get a 404 Error - File Not Found. He'll have to wait for the Forum Fortune Kookie.

[johnny]

Originally posted by Arex@Sep 5 2002, 11:18 PM


My boss's little brother (Korean American) married this caucasian woman. She was allegedly cool before the marriage but as soon as they tied the knot, she started getting all weird such as by refusing not only to eat Korean food herself, but by refusing to allow him to eat Korean. WTF?! I'm thinking the guy should one day just run away and leave a jar of kimchee on the pillow next to her as she sleeps.

Alex
this is exactly my point.. i know too much

heed more words people... stupid move to marry a white chick

[Chris]

Originally posted by johnny@Sep 5 2002, 03:39 PM
Originally posted by Arex@Sep 5 2002, 11:18 PM


My boss's little brother (Korean American) married this caucasian woman. She was allegedly cool before the marriage but as soon as they tied the knot, she started getting all weird such as by refusing not only to eat Korean food herself, but by refusing to allow him to eat Korean. WTF?! I'm thinking the guy should one day just run away and leave a jar of kimchee on the pillow next to her as she sleeps.

Alex
this is exactly my point.. i know too much

heed more words people... stupid move to marry a white chick
johnny I respect your opinion. But you shouldn't judge someone's love or some personality for another based on one's skin color. That type of thinking is one step backward for we are as humans.



<!--EDIT|Chris|Sep 5 2002, 03:57 PM-->

[Arex]

Originally posted by johnny@Sep 5 2002, 03:39 PM
this is exactly my point.. i know too much

heed more words people... stupid move to marry a white chick

That's a pretty broad generalization you make there. And this is based on exactly how much anecdotal evidence?=/ Suit yourself...

My own personal preference is for Asian American women and, thus, I hope to one day marry one. Nevertheless, I like to think if I wanted to marry caucasian, I could and I'd make it work, despite these worst case scenarios we've been reading about.

Perhaps I'm too idealistic?


Alex



<!--EDIT|Arex|Sep 5 2002, 05:01 PM-->

[johnny]

im not judging anything or anyone, i'm just saying what will work and what will not.. of course it can possibly work but one side will have to give up a whole lot to make it work for the two of them

[kimpossible]

Chiang Fang-liang (http://th.gio.gov.tw/pi2000/pl001.htm). The Russian wife of Chiang Ching-kuo.

[Chris]

Originally posted by Arex@Sep 5 2002, 04:00 PM
Originally posted by johnny@Sep 5 2002, 03:39 PM
this is exactly my point.. i know too much

heed more words people... stupid move to marry a white chick

That's a pretty broad generalization you make there. And this is based on exactly how much anecdotal evidence?=/ Suit yourself...

My own personal preference is for Asian American women and, thus, I hope to one day marry one. Nevertheless, I like to think if I wanted to marry caucasian, I could and I'd make it work, despite these worst case scenarios we've been reading about.

Perhaps I'm too idealistic?


Alex
No alex you are not an idealistic. I think for the most part johnny is more jaded than you idealistic. but that my own opinion.

[deez nuts]

Originally posted by Hello_Hapa@Sep 5 2002, 07:06 PM
Chiang Fang-liang (http://th.gio.gov.tw/pi2000/pl001.htm). The Russian wife of Chiang Ching-kuo.
Ok, like change that to my asian male friends that married white women. But, I agree there are exceptions, I just haven't seen that with the people around me.

[kimpossible]

Same here. I personally haven't run into a couple where the Asian spouse/partner didn't have to whiten up. Just wanted to refute my own argument.

[johnny]

i prove my point yet again


had an uncle who had to "whiten up" and move to "hicksville" and resort to eating corn and potatoes everyday. he's miserable...

[Hito]

Originally posted by Hello_Hapa@Sep 5 2002, 05:14 PM
Same here. I personally haven't run into a couple where the Asian spouse/partner didn't have to whiten up. Just wanted to refute my own argument.
I think it is the case with any kind of mixed marriage that the partner who is not euroPeon must "DeCuluturate" themselves.
I have seen it with mixed marriages among Blacks, Latinos AND Asians.
The white partner frowns all up and gets irritated around there partner's relatives and so they wind up spending less and less time around the person of color's relatives and friends and more time around the white family and friends.

My personal belief is it is because of the europeons desire/need to dominate people of color and be in control.
Especially euroPeon americans.
I am not even sure it is a conscience thing or just the result of so many years of being the group in charge.

[blkazngirl]

Total dis-respect all around. I agree with you 100% if they got a problem with it, they shouldn't have marrried. I hate to say it, but there must be "other" motives at play.

So if there are any kids involved, that means the kids will have no respect for the parents language. This is so sad, it's bad enough when I met someone Asian and they can't speak Mandarin or Cantonese.

My mother (black) and father (chinese) both made it a point that my siblings and I learned the language as well as both cultures.

I could go on ranting so I'll climb off the soap box now.

ps: Tell you friends the next time their "un-yielding" partner comments about speaking, Tell them either they learn it or they can #@$& off.

[SunWuKong]

Originally posted by blkazngirl@Sep 25 2002, 09:29 PM
Total dis-respect all around. I agree with you 100% if they got a problem with it, they shouldn't have marrried. I hate to say it, but there must be "other" motives at play.

So if there are any kids involved, that means the kids will have no respect for the parents language. This is so sad, it's bad enough when I met someone Asian and they can't speak Mandarin or Cantonese.

My mother (black) and father (chinese) both made it a point that my siblings and I learned the language as well as both cultures.

I could go on ranting so I'll climb off the soap box now.

ps: Tell you friends the next time their "un-yielding" partner comments about speaking, Tell them either they learn it or they can #@$& off.
i hope i don't come off sounding patronizing, because i'm not trying to, but i want to congratulate your parents for being able to transcend racial-gender stereotypes (of black women and asian men) and probably the occasional societal problems for getting married. and at a time when there was even less racial understanding than now, too. that is very good.

[deez nuts]

Originally posted by blkazngirl@Sep 25 2002, 09:29 PM


My mother (black) and father (chinese) both made it a point that my siblings and I learned the language as well as both cultures.

I would like to shake your dad's hand.

[thaite]

Man, I had the best time when I was dating this half-Mexican girl. her family was cool. My mom speaks English pretty well but with a heavy accent and makes a great effort to speak Spanish. To hear Mom converse with the girlfriend's aunt, who spoke very little English, was not only amusing but pretty damn cool.

But that was a long time ago.

In my own experience and observation for the most part, it is the Asian partner who has to make the largest cultural compromise, and most white women just aren't interested in learning.



<!--EDIT|buoywonder|Sep 25 2002, 08:24 PM-->

[kimpossible]

Originally posted by buoywonder@Sep 25 2002, 07:22 PM
In my own experience and observation for the most part, it is the Asian partner who has to make the largest cultural compromise, and most white women just aren't interested in learning.
except for me, the fob wannabe

[kimpossible]

Originally posted by blkazngirl@Sep 25 2002, 06:29 PM
I could go on ranting so I'll climb off the soap box now.


Actually, I'd love it if you went on an extended rant; to the tune of a whole article. I'm largely ignorant of black/asian marriages and the blasian experience. I would eagerly learn more.

--HH

[DaBestSpooner]

I know of black and dominican guys who actually moved to japan with their girlfriends, and they're working on the family farms, not living it up in a city. Maybe the ladies are japonifying the men.

[SunWuKong]

Originally posted by KuroBishounen@Oct 2 2002, 12:48 AM
Originally posted by DaBestSpooner@Oct 1 2002, 09:13 PM
I know of black and dominican guys who actually moved &nbsp;to japan with their girlfriends, and they're working on the family farms, not living it up in a city. &nbsp;Maybe the ladies are japonifying the men.
Wow...
hahhah KB are you drooling with envy? :D
shit i think my cousin would like to do this too actually. he's a japanophile.

[Pynk_Spydyr]

Wow....

Hi, I'm new *waves*. I will admit first to clarify that I am a white woman with a Korean boyfriend. I honestly had absolutely no idea that people felt so strongly about interracial relationships until I went online and stumbled upon these forums, but I suppose that's based upon where I was raised (Cerritos, California, a town which is about 85% of Asian decent). The post about the Korean man married to a white woman really touched me since I might someday be in that position. Really, we aren't all evil witches... it actually hurts me a lot to see all of these attacks on interracial relationships.
I am learning Korean so I can communicate with his family better (I'm not very good; all I know are basic greetings and food/cooking terms, and I doubt I'll ever be able to read any), and I am learning to cook Korean food, and I eat it as long as it doesn't violate any of my dietary laws (I'm Jewish so I can't eat pork or shellfish).... but... please don't hate people based on their ethnicity. Yes, there are some horrid cases out there of idiots who try to exploit Asian women, but I know many strong, powerful Asian women and I believe they are capable of managing their own relationships; an Asiaphile is easily identifiable within a couple weeks of a relationship.

I digress... but... I just want to say that there are many Asian/white (or black or hispanic) relationships that are indeed loving, and I frankly don't see how a relationship between people of two Asian ethnicities (such as a Taiwanese/Korean relationship) is any different than a relationship between an Asian person and a white person.

I know I come across as an undesirable sort of person.. but please, if both people in the relationship are happy, why should we let color get in the way?

[deez nuts]

Hi and welcome to YW.

I think most of us on YW are not against interracial marriage, well I'm not against it. I think the bulk of this particular post focused on the Asian male or Asian female losing their identity, and to a certain degree turn their backs on their heritage, due to spousal pressure from an interracial marriage.

I think this might've thrown you off or maybe left a negative impression for you.

And you don't come across as an undesirable person...I'm not sure how we gave you this impression that you were, if we did, I apologize on my behalf.



<!--EDIT|Chasiubao_Boy|Oct 2 2002, 05:01 PM-->

[SunWuKong]

Originally posted by Pynk_Spydyr@Oct 2 2002, 04:47 PM
I digress... but... I just want to say that there are many Asian/white (or black or hispanic) relationships that are indeed loving, and I frankly don't see how a relationship between people of two Asian ethnicities (such as a Taiwanese/Korean relationship) is any different than a relationship between an Asian person and a white person.
well this may be true in asia (but not entirely i don't think), but you should realize that asian people in america across different ethnicities face the same struggles (with clear differences however, when it comes to our darker-skinned cousins). and when it comes to east asian cultures, there are many similarities, including even language. although admittedly there are enough differences that it is still an inter-cultural relationship. however, they would definitely not be interracial.

[kimpossible]

Originally posted by Pynk_Spydyr@Oct 2 2002, 01:47 PM
I digress... but... I just want to say that there are many Asian/white (or black or hispanic) relationships that are indeed loving, and I frankly don't see how a relationship between people of two Asian ethnicities (such as a Taiwanese/Korean relationship) is any different than a relationship between an Asian person and a white person.

I know I come across as an undesirable sort of person.. but please, if both people in the relationship are happy, why should we let color get in the way?
First, you're not coming across as an undesirable sort of person due to who you date. *shrug*

Second, this is the Rant Room. Worst case scenarios and socio-political issues are hashed out here. My point is that the info and opinions in this forum might be a little more extreme than in other forums. The kid gloves come off in here. :lol:

Third, I don't think in general that white/Asian relationships are no different than Asian/Asian relationships. Especially between two Asians of similar culture, if not same ethnicity. I do agree that any relationship can be loving.

if both people in the relationship are happy, why should we let color get in the way?

I don't think the majority of people stated that interracial relationships are horrible and should be eliminated. It's not color that is the problem; it's the loss of identity and the clash of culture, where the Asian partner is forced to cave into being less Asian. So, not a color issue. Hope that clears it up for you some. Plus, you don't marry an Asian guy; you marry his family too. So other things do matter besides if both people in the relationship are happy.



<!--EDIT|Hello_Hapa|Oct 2 2002, 06:36 PM-->