TB4000
04-10-2004, 06:56 PM
I’ve been noticing more and more over the past few weeks or so that most of the movies I’ve seen have been due to people dragging me to them. The last one I went to see of my own free will was Hellboy, and even though it didn’t meet all my expectations, I enjoyed myself along with the rest of the dorks in the audience as they nitpicked the comic vs. the movie. Last night, I was drug, once again, by a female associate at the Chronicle who wanted to go see The Girl Next Door. Me being the gentleman I am, I begrudgingly agreed to go. After that initial viewing, can I say I liked the movie? Nope. Did it suck horribly? Surprisingly, not as much as I thought it would.
If you were born in the ‘70’s, you know the deal about the classic ‘80’s teen flicks...Porky’s, Breakfast Club, Ridgemont High, etc. The one that stood out the most amongst all those however, was Risky Business, starring the last samurai himself, Tom Cruise. In this flick, he’s an average high schooler who becomes involved with a hooker with the heart of gold, and hijinx ensue from said involvement. Girl Next Door is basically the same story, except in this day and age, there ain’t too many hookers just walking around, not when we have viable access to porn wherever we go. The hero of this piece is Matt, played by Emperor’s Club villain Emile Hirsch. Quintessential overachiever this boy is. Class president, accepted to Georgetown University, and even finds it in his heart to raise over 25 grand so a high school student from Cambodia can be brought over to revel in our “advanced educational system.” Yet, for all his achievements, he has yet to live (insert “awwwww” here). He and his two geeky cronies spend their days on the PS2, and watching copious amounts of porn. As chance would have it though, a new girl arrives on the scene in the form of Danielle(Elisha Cuthbert), niece to Matt’s neighbor who just so happens to be house-sitting while her church group is away in Africa(yeah, that happens often). Our boy Matt mistakenly catches her in the throes of undress through his bedroom window, and she promptly storms over to his house to call him on it. Soon after, she discovers that Mr. Valedictorian has barely lived life at all, and makes him do crazy things like strip naked in the middle of the street, and skinny dip in his principal’s pool.
Little does he realize though, that his beautiful girl is actually a….wait for it….porno queen!!! Sorry if I spoiled it for you, though you’d have to be living under a rock, on Mars, underwater, with your fingers in your ears to not be barraged by the countless commercials showcasing this little plot point. His horny ass best friend recognizes her from one of his porn tape collections, a movie with a stereotypical martial arts theme that features no Asian people whatsoever, though I suppose that would be a good thing considering how goofy it is. After discovering her horrible, horrible secret, Matt wants her to get out of the biz-ness, because she’s better than that. Truth is though, her producer Kelly, isn’t too happy with this, since she’s his main moneymaker. So a battle between the two over the damsel in distress ensues.
Honestly, I’m not really the demographic for these types of movies. American Pie, Eurotrash, Road Trip…teen comedies featuring multiple Abercrombie and Fitch wearing suburban white kids don’t really fly with me, though I do think Stifler is funny as hell(so sue me). The only reason I sat through this is because of the porn subject matter, as shallow as that is. These three actually crash an adult film convention, deal with actual porn stars, and probably do it as realistically as real teenage guys would. The movie even went so far as to use actual adult film talent such as Sung Hi Lee and Amanda Sweeten(not that I know their work all that good…really, I don’t.=P), and seeing them in an actual movie…trying to ACT….it’s kinda sad and kind of cool all at once. However, that was the ONLY thing I somewhat enjoyed. The rest of the movie is your basic R rated teen flick…a Risky Business 2004 version. Another complaint I have is the movie doesn’t know at times if it wants to be a wacky comedy or a serious drama focusing on the dangers of the porn industry. One minute there’s a fantasy sequence about Danielle giving Matt’s father a blow job, the next the killer pimp…I mean...killer porn producer is threatening old Matt’s life. It’s trying too hard to appeal to too many sides, and that doesn’t work with this kind of material.
I have to give this movie an average rating, normally it’d be low as low can be, but the somewhat interesting subplot involving the whole porn thing shown in a realistic fashion keep it from the badlands of straight to DVD. It’s not really that funny, it’s not really that serious…it just exists, even if by all accounts it really shouldn't.
If you were born in the ‘70’s, you know the deal about the classic ‘80’s teen flicks...Porky’s, Breakfast Club, Ridgemont High, etc. The one that stood out the most amongst all those however, was Risky Business, starring the last samurai himself, Tom Cruise. In this flick, he’s an average high schooler who becomes involved with a hooker with the heart of gold, and hijinx ensue from said involvement. Girl Next Door is basically the same story, except in this day and age, there ain’t too many hookers just walking around, not when we have viable access to porn wherever we go. The hero of this piece is Matt, played by Emperor’s Club villain Emile Hirsch. Quintessential overachiever this boy is. Class president, accepted to Georgetown University, and even finds it in his heart to raise over 25 grand so a high school student from Cambodia can be brought over to revel in our “advanced educational system.” Yet, for all his achievements, he has yet to live (insert “awwwww” here). He and his two geeky cronies spend their days on the PS2, and watching copious amounts of porn. As chance would have it though, a new girl arrives on the scene in the form of Danielle(Elisha Cuthbert), niece to Matt’s neighbor who just so happens to be house-sitting while her church group is away in Africa(yeah, that happens often). Our boy Matt mistakenly catches her in the throes of undress through his bedroom window, and she promptly storms over to his house to call him on it. Soon after, she discovers that Mr. Valedictorian has barely lived life at all, and makes him do crazy things like strip naked in the middle of the street, and skinny dip in his principal’s pool.
Little does he realize though, that his beautiful girl is actually a….wait for it….porno queen!!! Sorry if I spoiled it for you, though you’d have to be living under a rock, on Mars, underwater, with your fingers in your ears to not be barraged by the countless commercials showcasing this little plot point. His horny ass best friend recognizes her from one of his porn tape collections, a movie with a stereotypical martial arts theme that features no Asian people whatsoever, though I suppose that would be a good thing considering how goofy it is. After discovering her horrible, horrible secret, Matt wants her to get out of the biz-ness, because she’s better than that. Truth is though, her producer Kelly, isn’t too happy with this, since she’s his main moneymaker. So a battle between the two over the damsel in distress ensues.
Honestly, I’m not really the demographic for these types of movies. American Pie, Eurotrash, Road Trip…teen comedies featuring multiple Abercrombie and Fitch wearing suburban white kids don’t really fly with me, though I do think Stifler is funny as hell(so sue me). The only reason I sat through this is because of the porn subject matter, as shallow as that is. These three actually crash an adult film convention, deal with actual porn stars, and probably do it as realistically as real teenage guys would. The movie even went so far as to use actual adult film talent such as Sung Hi Lee and Amanda Sweeten(not that I know their work all that good…really, I don’t.=P), and seeing them in an actual movie…trying to ACT….it’s kinda sad and kind of cool all at once. However, that was the ONLY thing I somewhat enjoyed. The rest of the movie is your basic R rated teen flick…a Risky Business 2004 version. Another complaint I have is the movie doesn’t know at times if it wants to be a wacky comedy or a serious drama focusing on the dangers of the porn industry. One minute there’s a fantasy sequence about Danielle giving Matt’s father a blow job, the next the killer pimp…I mean...killer porn producer is threatening old Matt’s life. It’s trying too hard to appeal to too many sides, and that doesn’t work with this kind of material.
I have to give this movie an average rating, normally it’d be low as low can be, but the somewhat interesting subplot involving the whole porn thing shown in a realistic fashion keep it from the badlands of straight to DVD. It’s not really that funny, it’s not really that serious…it just exists, even if by all accounts it really shouldn't.