Daddy's Lil Girl

[kasia]

the Asian father is stereotyped as a strict, non-affectionate disciplinarian.

but how many of us are actually daddy's lil girls? what is your relationship with your asian father like? please discuss.

[amietron]

My dad was born in the US. He can barely speak broken Japanese. Erk. Anyway, I have to go to journalism now, so I have to finish this post later. :(

I don't get along with my father, period.
Never was daddy's little girl.
Okay, maybe when I couldn't talk,
but that doesn't count.

[kasia]

wow amie:

you know what? i've had two really close friends growing up who were also japanese, and they couldn't stand their fathers either. i never understood how they could despise their fathers, but i think it stemmed from the fact that their fathers were way too strict. they pretty much weren't allowed to do anything--date, talk on the phone, etc.

is that similar to your problem?

[amietron]

Right on the money.
I'll edit this post later.
class.

[amietron]

[quote:b04b601ba4="kasia"]i never understood how they could despise their fathers, but i think it stemmed from the fact that their fathers were way too strict. they pretty much weren't allowed to do anything--date, talk on the phone, etc.[/quote:b04b601ba4]
It says something about Japanese culture, doesn't it? Erk. Or at least something about the men. The Japanese male (well, my father at least..) has to be in control of every aspect of anything and everything. There is no way but his way. He's ALWAYS right. You can't talk out situations at all. Not even a little bit. It's perfectly normal for him to act like an authoritarian scum bag. Don't pull that Hitler dictator shit on me. Ugh. There is no such thing as privacy in my household. He is entitled to eavesdrop on my phone conversations. It's bullshit. Really, it is.

Yesterday I was talking on the phone with Joyce around 9p. You know what he said to me? "Get off the phone. You've already been on the phone for long enough." "Why?" "Because I said so."

"Stop talking back to me." "You live in my house, under my roof, I don't care what you say. If you don't like it, leave." "Why should I give you anything? You're not thankful for a God damned thing." "Clean your fucking room." "You're nothing but a God damned mother fucker. You useless slob." "Shut your fucking mouth."

[karizma]

>> didnt really know my father long enough to know if he was controlling or not but i have noticed from my friends that the father is usually really overbearing and tends to never be satisfied and they insist that since that "other" kid is accelling at everything you should be too. but then again there are exceptions...my friend's dad patted him on the shoulder and said "as long as you do something that makes you happy im happy" that was such a hallmark moment and id love to have a dad like that. =/. oh and you ever see how filipino families work? im not sterotyping or anything, this is just my observation but the mother has control over EVERYTHING...and the dad is really submissive and tends to stand off to the side and whatnot...*shrug*

[kasia]

hey amie:

yeh, that's pretty much how my japanese girlfriends depicted their relationship with their fathers. pretty extreme. one of my friends even had a huge falling out with her father after he sent her to an all-girl college so that she wouldn't be able to interact with any guys. very controlling. anyhow, she soon rebelled, dropped out of college, and is now happily engaged (four years after dropping out).

i think what also was difficult for my friends was that they were kinda isolated--they didn't have any other japanese friends to share their experience with. they had other [i:bbce11d2d9]asian [/i:bbce11d2d9]friends, but as karizma pointed out, family life and child-rearing styles vary even among asian ethnicities.

anyhow, i fought with my mom [i:bbce11d2d9]everyday[/i:bbce11d2d9] in high school too. it seemed like a neverending struggle. but life will get better, especially now that you're close to graduation (right?). :wink:

[Barbs]

well, my father has always been in the role of the strong "provider." it's not something that he even [i:2e56a1c9fe]knows[/i:2e56a1c9fe] how to deviate from, i feel. he's very much a male chauvinist but not in a bad way; sort of like that strong alpha type. he's affectionate with us (there's three daughters in the family) but only to the extent that he is emotionally able. the nature of his relationship with all three daughters is too complicated to chronicle (and likely too tedious for you all to read) but in a nutshell, he is most comfortable when he does not need to deal with awkward issues like disciplining the "kids", heart-to-heart talks, etc. i think inasmuch as asian females, or rather asian-american females view their fathers, this has a certain effect on how we choose our mates. as in what we look for. b/c my father is such a strong figure, to me he is infallible (tho i know he is not) and i expect as much from my bf/future husband. the thing is, i would consider myself a somewhat "modern" woman with career interests, etc. but in the relationship arena, i find myself only attracted to guys that are "men" who take care of women a certain way. don't know if i'm rambling now...

as an aside, i realized something else a few years back. i was looking at my dad and he's quite short, 5"6 or so and i realized that when i date guys, i consider anyone under 5"8/5"9 to be short (not that i am tall at all myself!). however, my dad [b:2e56a1c9fe]never[/b:2e56a1c9fe] seems short to me. weird, huh?

[DaBestSpooner]

it seems like a lot of japanese american females dispise their fathers, I guess thats why a lot of japanese americans dont seem to want to do anything with their native culture or have anything to do with asian men. Theres gotta be some kinda correlation.

[princess]

[quote:2f1fde9686="DaBestSpooner"]it seems like a lot of japanese american females dispise their fathers, I guess thats why a lot of japanese americans dont seem to want to do anything with their native culture or have anything to do with asian men. Theres gotta be some kinda correlation.[/quote:2f1fde9686]

reallie? ive never heard about this....

my japanese friends and i have no problem with our dads besides the usual spats over chores and cleaning our rooms.

[DaBestSpooner]

sorry to generalize, just my observation

[quote:61ee6c7ccb="princess"][quote:61ee6c7ccb="DaBestSpooner"]it seems like a lot of japanese american females dispise their fathers, I guess thats why a lot of japanese americans dont seem to want to do anything with their native culture or have anything to do with asian men. Theres gotta be some kinda correlation.[/quote:61ee6c7ccb]

reallie? ive never heard about this....

my japanese friends and i have no problem with our dads besides the usual spats over chores and cleaning our rooms.[/quote:61ee6c7ccb]

[princess]

[quote:f4f14c3862="DaBestSpooner"]sorry to generalize, just my observation

[quote:f4f14c3862="princess"][quote:f4f14c3862="DaBestSpooner"]it seems like a lot of japanese american females dispise their fathers, I guess thats why a lot of japanese americans dont seem to want to do anything with their native culture or have anything to do with asian men. Theres gotta be some kinda correlation.[/quote:f4f14c3862]

reallie? ive never heard about this....

my japanese friends and i have no problem with our dads besides the usual spats over chores and cleaning our rooms.[/quote:f4f14c3862][/quote:f4f14c3862]

i guess it juss depends on where u live and what generation the girls are. my friends are anywhere from 1st to 4th generation and we live in LA. all our parents are pretty lax compared to, say, our chinese friends' dads. no offense to anyone.

[achtungbaby]

[quote:55504b01c4="Barbs"]well, my father has always been in the role of the strong "provider." it's not something that he even [i:55504b01c4]knows[/i:55504b01c4] how to deviate from, i feel. he's very much a male chauvinist but not in a bad way; sort of like that strong alpha type.[/quote:55504b01c4]

I tend to think Korean fathers are even more gung-ho about being macho. It's instilled into them very early on, I guess, that a [i:55504b01c4]real [/i:55504b01c4]man is able to provide. Unfortunately, while noble, this mindset has some obvious drawbacks -- none of which I'm able to extricate myself from lately...

[kasia]

[quote:a93fb44fa5="achtungbaby"][quote:a93fb44fa5="Barbs"]well, my father has always been in the role of the strong "provider." it's not something that he even [i:a93fb44fa5]knows[/i:a93fb44fa5] how to deviate from, i feel. he's very much a male chauvinist but not in a bad way; sort of like that strong alpha type.[/quote:a93fb44fa5]

I tend to think Korean fathers are even more gung-ho about being macho. It's instilled into them very early on, I guess, that a [i:a93fb44fa5]real [/i:a93fb44fa5]man is able to provide. Unfortunately, while noble, this mindset has some obvious drawbacks -- none of which I'm able to extricate myself from lately...[/quote:a93fb44fa5]

there was this discussion in my ethics class in undergrad. a white girl tried to distinguish love from duty, stating that she felt her father wouldn't be as [i:a93fb44fa5]good [/i:a93fb44fa5]of a father if he did things for her more because of a duty he felt he had towards her, rather than the love he held for her. i got into a heated debate with her--because that was such a culturally biased argument. what angered me was that she refused to recognize that it was culturally biased. in my view, it is very hard to separate love from duty in many asian cultures.

[achtungbaby]

Yes, our way is better :D

[kasia]

[quote:01820987fc="achtungbaby"]Yes, our way is better :D[/quote:01820987fc]

it is. i recognize the drawbacks, but once you're old enough to understand--it [i:01820987fc]does[/i:01820987fc] seem like asian fathers are very noble.

[angelnympho]

i have no relationship with either of my parents. *shrug* we both like it better this way...

[LilCPChik]

still strict bout school N all going out is onli allowed wen i give him ALL the details N times N junk.. wen we go shoppin itz wut evr i want unless itz 2 showy r he dunt like it one bit.. otherwise like at the grocery throw everything in da cart.. but other then dat dunt really talk 2 him we watch the traveling shows on TV wen itz like china or thailand or sumthin interesting...

[Faithless]

My little one is definitely daddy's little girl. She wouldn't have it any other way. :rolleyes:

[kasia]

it wasn't until the recent holidays that i started hugging my father goodbye again - which is cool. we stopped in high school/college because, basically, i was a bad kid when i was younger and we just grew distant.

there's this saying, "of all the people i love, i know my father the least."

i hope this won't be true for me. i rarely have long conversations with my dad, and when i do, it's usually him mentoring me about work or something. i'd like to change that.

[teaz0r]

i'm very close to my father. we can talk about
anything and everything, we hang out from
time to time, not as often as i like, since he
doesn't live in bangkok anymore.

/enter sap/

we've always been close, he had always spoiled
me, i remember after a year of college, he came
to see me and sat me down and told me that
he was sorry, sorry for all the things i had to
go through and see, that he should have been
stricter with me, so that i wouldn't have had
cried all the times i did.

it was nice, i'm glad he let me live my life though,
because ultimately whatever shit happens, he's
there to comfort me.

/end sap/

but we also have the same interests, we both love
jazz and good rock n' roll, we sit and listen to records
drinking wine from his cellar, smoke cigarettes and
talk about music and art. he always buys me little
presents from the Met Museum Shop when he comes
visit me. i first smoked weed with dad too.
in 9th grade.
:D

i'm so daddy's little girl. i get anything i want.

[kasia]

i'm very close to my father. we can talk about
anything and everything, we hang out from
time to time, not as often as i like, since he
doesn't live in bangkok anymore.

/enter sap/

we've always been close, he had always spoiled
me, i remember after a year of college, he came
to see me and sat me down and told me that
he was sorry, sorry for all the things i had to
go through and see, that he should have been
stricter with me, so that i wouldn't have had
cried all the times i did.

it was nice, i'm glad he let me live my life though,
because ultimately whatever shit happens, he's
there to comfort me.

/end sap/

but we also have the same interests, we both love
jazz and good rock n' roll, we sit and listen to records
drinking wine from his cellar, smoke cigarettes and
talk about music and art. he always buys me little
presents from the Met Museum Shop when he comes
visit me. i first smoked weed with dad too.
in 9th grade.
:D

i'm so daddy's little girl. i get anything i want.
:wub: cute.

[moJo]

I think I'm a daddy's girl. I dunno, I have a pretty good relationship with both of them, for the most part. I can talk to them both about anything, but I'm definitely more playful with my dad. Growing up, it was my mom who was the daily disciplinarian of the house, and my dad who reinforced it if I didn't listen to her. I did fear him, though, cuz boy did he have a temper when it flared up. But he was also the one who gave me more freedom to do things, or he'd override my mom with things like giving me money, or help convince my mom to buy sweets, etc. He also piggybacked me to tuck me into bed for an embarassingly long time. And woke me up in the morning by washing my face. My dad is more like my friend while my mom is like an older sister, but they are definitely still very parental in a protective asian way. I hope that makes sense. Geez, this is cheezy.

[boredlikewah]

never been. maybe when i was really really little, but not since. he was drug addict. he didn't wanna deal with the reality of my sisters and me.

[shy]

good topic, kasie!

you're right... the stereotype does seem to display that asian fathers are a certain way. and to some extent, i think my father was like this earlier when i was younger.

but throughout time, i've discovered that there's way more to him then this 'image' that he puts on. and underneath this image is this loyal, honest and humble man that i truly respect.

i'm incredibly proud of being my father's daughter. he is decent and generous, even though he seems tough to others.

one father and daughter moment that i will never forget (aside from the wedding day when he walked me down the aisle to give me away), was after i had my heart broken by this guy whom i thought i had something pretty special with.

while my mother fretted about and made me feel that it was my fault and all that, my father took me aside, listened to me as i poured out in tears and said to me, "you know, i've lived a pretty long life... and i've learned what it's like to be a man. and HE... he is not a real man. a real man would be more responsible. a real man would not be so cowardly as to how he left you. you deserve so much more.... always remember that."

it was amazing! no judgement, no lecture... just my father giving me the strength that i didn't think i had and then holding me, letting me cry it out.

i love my dad. i'm extremely glad that i started to see him for who he truly was, even though i didn't see it for the first 20-so years of my life!

oh... and yeah. i'm daddy's little girl alright. in fact, i see a lot of similarities between him and i. we even have the same sort of walk. :)

[Proud_Jook_Sing]

My wife's Dad totally doted on her and my wife's sister. In her family and mine the neurotic parent award goes to the mothers (my mom = Amy's dad, even down to the eavesdropping). But all those dads were pretty much blue-collar or professionals like engineers, no management or self-employed types.

In other Chinese families I knew where the dad was self-employed they tended to be more authoritarian. Maybe it's some connection to being an entrepreneur and needing to control as much as possible.

My daughter is only 2 but she drives me absolutely nuts. At 6 months she was totally different from the boys - a very very high maintenance baby and now toddler. I swear at age 2 she knows how to push all my buttons already. ;) Some days she will be totally attached to me, other days she won't have anything to do with me. Did I mention she is only 2?My wife jokes she'll be a Daddy's girl when she needs money, LOL.

[teaz0r]

My wife jokes she'll be a Daddy's girl when she needs money, LOL.

that's soooooo true though.
my father always nows when
i'm up to something, i normall
refer to him as dad or daddy.

but when i need money, i say
"papee ja+" and put on sad
little eyes. :D

[applehead]

i've decided that being daddy's little girl
comes with a price.
a price i'd rather not pay.

[artsfartsyjanet]

well my dad has a temper, but when i was little he got me whatever i wanted.... my mom was the strict disciplinarian. right now, they don't give me anything b/c i never ask them for money anymore.

[kasia]

i've decided that being daddy's little girl
comes with a price.
a price i'd rather not pay.

what kinda price?

[applehead]

being WAY too overprotective.
treating me ... like a little girl.
expecting a lot.
i know a lot of father are this way
to their daughters but i'm comparing
myself to my sister who was never
that close to my father
or acted like "daddy's little girl"
i didn't keep much distance from him
and he kind of let me get away
with a lot of things.
and when he didn't
i became bratty and disrespectful.
maybe that's my fault
but i wish he was more strict with me.

[kasia]

being WAY too overprotective.
treating me ... like a little girl.
expecting a lot.
i know a lot of father are this way
to their daughters but i'm comparing
myself to my sister who was never
that close to my father
or acted like "daddy's little girl"
i didn't keep much distance from him
and he kind of let me get away
with a lot of things.
and when he didn't
i became bratty and disrespectful.
maybe that's my fault
but i wish he was more strict with me.


i never acted like daddy's lil girl. i always thought it was a bit incestuous when other girls did. i'm kinda weird like that. i like having formal and serious conversations with my dad, then on my way out of the room, skipping and smiling b/c i'm happy he had a talk with me.

[moJo]

i never acted like daddy's lil girl. i always thought it was a bit incestuous when other girls did. i'm kinda weird like that. i like having formal and serious conversations with my dad, then on my way out of the room, skipping and smiling b/c i'm happy he had a talk with me.

Regarding the incestuous thing, i see what you mean. For me, i think I'd draw the line on grossness depending on the daughter's age. Before age 10, or definitely puberty, imo. Also depends on what actions constitute "daddy's lil girl"-ish.

[kasia]

like, sitting on his lap asking for money = incestuous.

[moJo]

like, sitting on his lap asking for money = incestuous.
ew, okay. that sounds like something paris hilton would do. or any rich kid daughter.

but yes, that's inappropriate, imo. cuz you're at an age where you get money from parents instead of them buying things for you - and that's probably not when you're 5 years old.

[applehead]

like, sitting on his lap asking for money = incestuous.

yeah. that too.
i used to take naps with him
until a certain age.

i won't say the number though.

[amietron]

i won't say the number though.
16? =O

[angel nympho]

Dude, there's nothing wrong with being a daddy's girl!!! It just means I love my daddy....

[rice cracker]

I think Daddy's Little Princess would be worse than Daddy's Little Girl. The former just screams spoiled brat, while the latter just shows great (if sometimes suffocating) affection.

[purezero]

I don't think I'm very close with my dad (or any other family member). When I was really young, my parents were working, so I didn't see much of them. I did things on my own. When I saw my younger cousin fawning all over her dad like she was a little baby, I felt sick to my stomach, like something was wrong. I never want to be like that.

My dad and I do have our conversations. But most of the time, it feels like he tries to preach or force his own opinions on me as correct. Even though opinions are opinions, and I can have my own, it doesn't seem like he acknowledges that (to anyone else either).

He is really stubborn. He blames my mom for everything that my brother and I do wrong. He doesn't feel like anything was his fault. He feels that we should respect him because all of the work that he did was to provide for the family. And when we don't show him the kind of respect he wants, he gets angry and either blows up at us or he just talks to my mom about it.

My dad tries to be close to me. In his eyes, I'm the better kid (my brother has a crazy temper). He tries talking to me. He tries to be supportive. But it all comes off funny and rubs me the wrong way. Maybe it's because he's unemployed at the moment and wants to get to know his kids better. But I don't know if I could open up to him about my life if he's already set on how it should be.

[Faithless]

You really are daddy's little girl between the ages of 0.00001 and about 13.

You then become daddy's little headache from about 13.00001 to about the end of high school. (If you've matured.)

You become daddy's cause for worry from the end of high school until daddy dies.

You eventually long to be daddy's little girl, again, when you see how much he's aged, how much time has passed, and what little time you have left with him.

Enjoy it while you can. :frown:

[teaz0r]

You really are daddy's little girl between the ages of 0.00001 and about 13.

You then become daddy's little headache from about 13.00001 to about the end of high school. (If you've matured.)

You become daddy's cause for worry from the end of high school until daddy dies.

You eventually long to be daddy's little girl, again, when you see how much he's aged, how much time has passed, and what little time you have left with him.

Enjoy it while you can. :frown:

wow. i totally "awwww"-ed.

[Oblivious]

Hmm...when I think back to the kiddy years, I see my Daddy showering my sister and I with toys. He was a very sweet, caring, and loving Dad. However, we never really communicated with each other very much. It would be just general, basic conversations. I never could talk deeply with him. Somehow, it would just generate weird, uncomfortable feelings if I ever brought up a serious conflict with him.

Many years later, he decides to have a mid-life crisis and live a totally different lifestyle. I believe he was just holding back to temptations in the earlier years and blew a fuse in doing so.

I miss the old days.