when is cheating okay?

[karizma]

>> my friend has been in a relationship with his gf for about a year and a half or 2 i forget...but anyways...after taking a class on ethics that brushed on the topic of multiple sex partners...they decided that they would make it okay to have sex with other people...but reserve the real love only for each other. they also agreed that it would be a good idea to not kiss and tell...what they do with their sex lives is completely on the hush. he claims that they have remained happy throughout the months because of this...now this theory of theirs really intrigued me...could it really work? and how often are you able to find a partner willing and secure enough to go through with something like this? i know i wouldnt be able to handle it.

>> do you think this is a healthy relationship? would you be able to go through with something like this?

[deez nuts]

Oh no, not again.

Yeah it works. But both people have to be real and not front . They have to be sure this what they want and is mature enough to deal with the emotional aspect of it. The girl from my experience will be more honest, either yes or no. The guy would say yes (since it's the manly thing to do) but actually mean no, sometimes.

I am in the similar situation now and it's been working great. But, I think it's a mistake to keep the intimate details hush hush. The pressure and tension of not knowing will build up and explode. Best to keep everything in the open since it's consentual, right? And both parties agreed that they are mature to handle it, right? I mean what do you think your partner is doing when he/she is out on a friday/saturday night and not with friends, at home or her usual place?

Safe sex is a huge issue, my arrangement is you tell the other person when you become intimate with someone else and always use protection.

I like this type of arrangement. But to be honest, I'm not sure, how I would deal with it, if I ended up falling in love with the woman.

Oh god, I feel so dirty now.

[princess]

aye i certainly dont think thats a healthy relationship. i doubt itll hold up in the long run.

i dont think id be able to go through something like this, either. relationships are tricky things by themself...theyre just adding further complications. also, i believe in the one guy to one girl at a time sort of thing. they should be committed to each other or else break it off . turning a blind eye is bound to hurt one of them, and certainly is probably annoying one person a little more than the other.

[artsfartsyjanet]

If two people are consenting and agree to certain terms, why would it be considered cheating? The whole meaning behind it speaks "I'm having an affair without you knowing"...not "I'm having sex with someone else and you already know." Just because there's this don't kiss and tell policy doesn't mean there's no room for any kind of possibility going on. If telling about the details will drive each other crazy, maybe they may not be so secure after all. Well, I don't think cheating is okay at all. I know what it's like to be cheated and it's a pain in the ass! Cheating entails deceit, irresponsibility, dishonesty, the lack of courage, and the element of fear. It also includes the lack of concern for the other's worth. Cheating doesn't work for me.



<!--EDIT|artsfartsyjanet|Aug 20 2002, 10:44 PM-->

[angel nympho]

Personally, I think it depends on the relationship. Sometimes people can agree to have an open relationship, and it totally works for them...

But CHEATING... is wrong. That's why they call it CHEATING. But it's a very vague term. To me, cheating is having a full on RELATIONSHIP with somebody else. Just having sex with somebody else is fucked up, but a lot easier to get away with than having a second relationship on the side.

Sex is a conscious decision. To have sex with somebody else involves that person making the conscious decision to hurt the person they're with. That's straight fucked up. Falling in love with somebody else can't really be helped. You can't help who you fall in love with, but if you're already in a relationship, you should at least have the decency to end the relationship before you go off gallavanting with somebody else. Or at least have the decency to stay away from the person you're a little weak for.. out of respect to your significant other.

On the other hand, people always use that argument, "it was just sex! It meant nothing!" *Shrug* Very confusing situation. It depends on the relationship. I can't just decide if it's okay or not.

[artsfartsyjanet]

Originally posted by angel nympho@Aug 21 2002, 03:43 AM
On the other hand, people always use that argument, "it was just sex! It meant nothing!" *Shrug* Very confusing situation. It depends on the relationship. I can't just decide if it's okay or not.
I think the confusion comes when boundaries are not in place. I think it's the couple's responsibility to define them when they clearly communicate to each other their values in some form or another. We're individuals with unique value systems. Some people just happen to be more common than others. So, while one has sex b/c it's "just sex" (i.e. copulating, lust, whatever), while the significant other feels that sex should be shared between themselves only, then that's where the disrespect blatantly occurs. Even if the person who doesn't think sex is just sex didn't clearly define his/her boundaries, it doesn't mean the partner should bend the terms. The "out of sight, out of mind" doesn't work for me, personally.



<!--EDIT|artsfartsyjanet|Aug 21 2002, 09:19 AM-->

[boycott]

As long as you use protection, don't do oral, don't ever let your current bf or gf know about it and it doesn't happen often, then it's ok. Sometimes cheating keeps the relationship alive if it's secret. Guys are better at it than women since we do the inserting and women get inserted so size difference may be a factor. It's like as a woman would you forgive your bf for getting his behind fingered or would you forgive him for fingering somebody's behind? Silly but true? In a loving relationship neither should ever have the need to cheat. Only when love is dying out that someone needs to search elsewhere for a replacement and f..king is the tip of the iceberg. As a guy, cover your tracks if ya wanna cheat and never admit anything unless you want it to end. As a girl, you won't cheat unless you want it to end n you'll most likely admit it in the long run due to guilt and emotion, if not then congratulations you've learned how to cheat without getting caught.

[SunWuKong]

Originally posted by boycott@Aug 24 2002, 08:26 AM
As a guy, cover your tracks if ya wanna cheat and never admit anything unless you want it to end. As a girl, you won't cheat unless you want it to end n you'll most likely admit it in the long run due to guilt and emotion, if not then congratulations you've learned how to cheat without getting caught.
that's kind of double standardizing isn't it? are you trying to say women never cheat for the pure sexual enjoyment? that they always have an ulterior motive when they cheat?

[achtungbaby]

Originally posted by boycott@Aug 24 2002, 06:26 AM
Sometimes cheating keeps the relationship alive if it's secret.
Call me old-fashioned, but having sex with someone else in order to sustain a relationship is not only a waste of time, but you'll also just be lying to yourself if you're using it as some justification.

[Barbs]

i would honestly rather not know. sometimes, honesty is not the best policy.

[SunWuKong]

Originally posted by Barbs@Aug 25 2002, 12:55 AM
i would honestly rather not know. sometimes, honesty is not the best policy.
i never understood that rationale. that if your boyfriend (and i say boyfriend because i've never heard a guy say he prefers this) is cheating on you, you don't want to find out.

[angel nympho]

Originally posted by boycott@Aug 24 2002, 01:26 PM
As long as you use protection, don't do oral, don't ever let your current bf or gf know about it and it doesn't happen often, then it's ok. Sometimes cheating keeps the relationship alive if it's secret. Guys are better at it than women since we do the inserting and women get inserted so size difference may be a factor. It's like as a woman would you forgive your bf for getting his behind fingered or would you forgive him for fingering somebody's behind? Silly but true? In a loving relationship neither should ever have the need to cheat. Only when love is dying out that someone needs to search elsewhere for a replacement and f..king is the tip of the iceberg. As a guy, cover your tracks if ya wanna cheat and never admit anything unless you want it to end. As a girl, you won't cheat unless you want it to end n you'll most likely admit it in the long run due to guilt and emotion, if not then congratulations you've learned how to cheat without getting caught.
what a prince.

[kasia]

the school of thought that karizma is speaking of is utilitarianism. what we don't know won't hurt us--and all that complies with the utilitarian maxim of creating the greatest amount of happiness for all people. cheating and lying, then, would be moral.

the problem is, if this were the case, we would all have to live knowing that there is a possiblity that we are being lied to--and this would cause unease among most of the population which, in turn, would cause a less amount of happiness for all--thus making it immoral.

the philosophy professor in that ethics class failed to take the second step of the analysis and the class came to the wrong conclusion.

utilitarianism would not support cheating.