Friends in abusive relationships

[jimbo]

Where do I start?


In the past three days I have been verbally threatened twice because of the following scenarios which I have been involved in.


1. I was asked to become the god father to a friends son and was proud to accept until I had a very intense conversation with her fiance where he verbally threatened me and if I came anywhere near the church on the day then he'd get me beaten up, His main issue was the fact that I am asian and he didn't want me to have anything with his family, What perturbs me and which I find hypocritical on his part is that he is also from an ethic minority.

They had an argument over this and he ended up hitting her, I told her that this won't be the last time as its usually once a beater always a beater, however she's going to stand by him.

2. I have been getting close to this girl who again is in an abusive relationship, she has 2 kids by him and is expecting a third, We like each other a lot and want things to progress but the situation now is that he is willing to let her go and for me and her to be together but he won't let us have the kids, I and he knows for a fact that she'll never leave the kids with him.

This guy has raped her and abused his kids and it has been reported to the authorities, She's meant to be getting married to him next year but she'll never leave him because of the kids and if she did then he'd track her down and kill her.

I have given her as much love and support as I can but she absolutely refuses to do anything about the situation, She's putting up with it for the sake of the kids and she feels she deserves all that she gets from this guy.

I feel so helpless and don't know what more I can do, I certainly know how to attract them don't I? I want to help as much as I can in both circumstances but I really no longer wish to be everybodies emotional dumping ground.

:sad:

[ism]

I sorta think the women might be using you as leverage against their currents. Different types of victimization here, and you'd be better off distancing yourself from them. Nothing but heartbreak waiting for you. Remember, you're a good guy, not a hero. Find a good girl who doesn't need rescuing.

[kimpossible]

Sorry if this sounds harsh but she's ass deep in an abuse cycle and my opinion is she's not remotely ready to leave. All you can do for her right now is mentally prepare for what you can do if and when she *is* ready to leave. Her life is in danger and she is the expert on her abuser. She will best be able to determine when she can leave without either her or the children being harmed or killed. It's a safe bet he's already threatened her with harming the kids if she leaves or reaches out for help. Your intentions are well meaning, and she may need your strength or assistance in the future if she makes her move.

But until then...

However, if you suspect or know of child abuse, you should report it. Document it if you can. A battered spouse or partner should always be supported in an effort to break the cycle, and often times it takes multiple efforts to leave before the cycle is truly broken, but if there is ongoing abuse, the kids come first.

Ethnic minorities are by no means exempt from domestic violence. Batterers are from all races.

[jimbo]

I sorta think the women might be using you as leverage against their currents. Different types of victimization here, and you'd be better off distancing yourself from them. Nothing but heartbreak waiting for you. Remember, you're a good guy, not a hero. Find a good girl who doesn't need rescuing.


Thanks Ism, I understand you totally, I'm going to have to slowly distance myself from them both but I feel my friend who is in the second situation needs somebody, She says that I should walk away as she doesn't want to see me hurt and she's sorry for leading me on, But we both know that she doesn't want me to walk away. I know I should for my own sanity and that I shouldn't be putting my life on hold for her, But I feel that I'll be letting her down if I do walk away, I've told her she needs to help herself to get out of this situation she's in as I also need to move on, But easier said than done.


Ethnic minorities are by no means exempt from domestic violence. Batterers are from all races.


I know but my comment was that he had an issue with me being the god father because of my race when he was from an ethnic minority himself, Thats what I found hypocritical and thats why I mentioned it.



The second guy well he's been reported to the authorities for abusing the kids and was arrested for doing so, I don't know whats happening now as she doesn't wish to discuss it.

[kimpossible]

Jimbo, be damned careful here. You could get her or yourself killed. I'm not shitting you. Neither her nor her boyfriend are in great mental or emotional states. They have their own bubble reality that consists of control and abuse. She is not in a position to start a new relationship and there is a MOUNTAIN of legal issues that will take years to settle if she even gets to the point where she frees herself of her abuser and supports herself.

I feel for her but she is using you and you don't want to be with this girl so much as you want to rescue her.

[jimbo]

Jimbo, be damned careful here. You could get her or yourself killed. I'm not shitting you. Neither her nor her boyfriend are in great mental or emotional states. They have their own bubble reality that consists of control and abuse. She is not in a position to start a new relationship and there is a MOUNTAIN of legal issues that will take years to settle if she even gets to the point where she frees herself of her abuser and supports herself.

I feel for her but she is using you and you don't want to be with this girl so much as you want to rescue her.

You're totally right, I know I shouldn't play the martyr in this but I just want to the right thing, The last thing I want is to put her and the kids at any more risk.

I've kept the text messages she's sent me since we met and maybe I should delete them all as all I seem to be doing is reading them over and over.

[shy]

hey jimbo...

in scenerio #1, i would probably not be the godfather anymore at this point more just to not cause any more trouble. but at the same time, this dude really shouldn't have hit her. and it's not her fault for sticking up for you because what she did was justified...

i'd probably want to help her a bit more then girl from scenerio #2.

the second scenerio... she REALLY should leave him. with kids. if it were me, i'd fight my ass off to protect my children. i do, however, feel sorry for her that she actually believes she deserves all this. but one question she needs to answer for herself... does her kids deserve all this too? i don't think one can justify that they do.

you said you've done all you can. and well... like some one else here said, you can't play hero because she needs to save herself. and if she's not willing to use your support, then you've done the best you can.

just don't beat yourself up over it.

if you still feel a need to help, why not call an abuse hotline and get some guidance from those who see this stuff all the time. it's confidential and they might be able to get your pointers. but whatever they say, just remember that there's only so much you can do.

the hardest work has to be done by her. and admitting that she needs to get away in only half the battle.

good luck.

[jimbo]

Thanks for listening and the advice guys.

The latest update is that nobody else but myself knows whats happening, Her family has disowned her and she won't tell his family, I have told her that she needs to speak to somebody else who can help i.e relevant authorities etc but she says she doesn't want to lose the kids.

I really don't think theres anything more I can do, I have told her that she has all my love and support but I will not put my life on hold for her.

[Emperor_Mike]

Exercise caution and do your best to advise both your friends but do not get too involved. Ultimately, it's an issue of self-determination and they shall have to live with their decisions. It sounds terribly unforgiving, but you will need to respect their choices regardless of how you may feel about it.

[deez nuts]

i would smack him or her around and verbally berate them for being in an abusive relationship and not having the common sense to leave.

[nonamerasian]

It's a difficult situation.

As many people who have attempted to alleviate abusive situations will probably tell you, sometimes you step in to help the abused from the abuser and leave with both against you, sometimes even physically.

Perhaps more than anything, the abused HAS TO want to get away from the abuser--Not say say he/she does, but actually really want to.

If you do decide to get personally involved (which I think you should avoid), really exercise caution. And, don't be surprised if the damsel(s) in distress is peeved at you, or even unforgiving of your actions, after it's all said and done.

It happens.

[jimbo]

Thanks for the advice everyone.

Well the first problem has pretty much sorted itself out, He's apologised and admitted he over reacted and she has promised to her herself that if he ever lays a finger on her again then she's going to walk away for good. I am not going to be the godfather for obvious reasons even though she still wants me to, I feel its no longer appropiate for me to under these circumstances.

As for the second scenario, Well I have decided to walk away from this for both of our sakes as I cannot put my life on hold waiting for her should things change in the future.

[kimpossible]

Jimbo, I think achtungbaby enabled a feature that allows the author of a thread the ability to close the same thread. You might try closing this thread if it's finished.

[teaz0r]

i think you have to be a mafia for that.

http://forums.yellowworld.org/showthread.php?t=10689

if you wanna close let either CSB or I know or one of the admins.

[jimbo]

i think you have to be a mafia for that.

http://forums.yellowworld.org/showthread.php?t=10689

if you wanna close let either CSB or I know or one of the admins.


Yep might as well close it as theres nothing more I can really do.