I hate my father

[Hiroshi2]

This morning me and my dad got into just a little argument about my college plans or whatever. I told him that I honestly did not know what to do with my life, just that I had a general idea of what I wanted to major in (something to do with social sciences) and starting to fuss at me for my "lack of direction". I didn't say nothing and then he just got really pissed at me and suddenly went crazy and grabbed my neck and started punching me. I started to try to punch back and wrestled with him but he kept pushing and hitting me. My mom broke us up. Didn't call the cops or nothing, but they BOTH got mad at me and just sent me to my room and took all my shit out, etc. My mom went to a funeral and will be back later tonight. My dad went to work around 1 PM and I just told my sister I'd be back, I just got back from chilling out at my friend's house right now. I'll go to school tommorrow and everything, but I'm still deciding on whether or not I want to go back home tommorow.

What pisses me off is that this is not the first time he's done this. I'm really fed up with this shit, and I quite honestly I want to get him back but I don't because I don't want to get a criminal record or nothing like that, or cause any kind of trouble that would affect my future. I DO want to go to college, etc. even if only so that I can get away from my parents.


I just had to get that off my chest right there..............

[>:^|]

Hiroshi,

Please keep yourself safe. Only you can assess your own situation. But don't let pride and anger make you do anything rash.

BTDT

(left home at 17, never been back)

[537]

Damn....


Sorry to hear you've got it rough with your dad like that. I assume he isn't the type to be able to have a sit-down talk with?


Generally it isn't a good idea to fight back, but definitely defend yourself. You're right in not wanting a criminal record or anything like that. My father used to smack me around when I was young, and one day I got fed up with him and started screaming at him to back off. He came to his senses and saw how counterproductive it was, and never laid a hand on me again (I can't say for sure this is why, because I eventually grew bigger than him).

I wish you well, man.

[Hiroshi2]

Thanks, guys.



@ 537:

No, he is not the type to "sit-down-and-have-a-talk-with". Neither is my mom, which is precisely whY I try to keep conversation with them at a minimal. They're terrible listeners and I can hear it when even when they talk to each other. It's frustrating trying to talk to them, whenever I say what I really feel, I'm labeled a "smart-ass" even if I don't really say it in a smart-ass way. So I just say the hell with it and I just tell them what they want to hear. Didn't work today.

I am the same height as my father but he weights about a hundred pounds more than me. I feel like I could take him with enough adreniline, definitely. I am a very stubborn and competive person, if I truly was hell-bent on fighting him............I wouldn't have given up until I had done just that.

It's going to be very tempting seeing him sleep tonight and not do anything..........

My mom doesn't know I'm down here on the computer. She thinks I'm dong homework and shit.

[ChinaLama]

sorry to hear about your parents. :-(

[shy]

i'm sorry to hear your situation...

you're young... what he's doing to you is considered child abuse as you are a minor. doesn't he worry about this?

i can understand why you don't want to go to the cops. but how comfortable are you in calling a confidential hotline for teens or something? a place where you can get the right information and figure out what you might be able to do to improve your home environment?

also, you said that this has happened before... after the rage dies down, what is your family environment like afterwards? do they act like nothing happened? is there some silent-treatment thing that occurs between the both of you? or are that really nice to you? do they apologize?

just trying to get a sense of what it's like... in my household, it use to be as if nothing really happened and everyone was like 'peachy-keen' the next day... as if acting all happy and nice will erase what happened the previous day. i don't agree with that.... that's just masking the root of the problem.

[shy]

Hiroshi ... bro, you're going thru a phase. Hope you guys work it out.

But you're are living under his roof no? Your spending, your parents finance you? Got a job? Who's paying for college?

It's probably old-fashioned for me to say this, but unless you can survive without his financial assistance, you got no choice.

I was once like that with my father (RIP); however, I never depended on him. Live on my own at about 16 (with roommates), worked and paid for my own college tuition. Finally finished.

i'm sorry, dac. but i'm going to have to strongly disagree w/ you here. it is the law in which the parents have to financially support their kids until they are 18 years of age. and it is the law that states that hitting your own children is deemed child abuse. if you want to argue that case with me, don't bother. call up your local social worker. if they could, they'd be at hiroshi's door, taking both im and his sister away from that house. call up the police and ask them to back you up on this... they won't.

just because you were dependent... i don't think now is the time to rub it in to a fellow yw-er that he isn't.

come on man... be sensitive. hiroshi's obviously really upset, hurt and angry right now. no need to make him feel any worse.

look at it this way... hiroshi is honestly lost about what he wants to do w/ his future but he does want a good future which means getting to college and thereby, earning his independence the long and hard way, which in the long run, will give him more choices of the future.

no matter which way you cut it... this is hardly a phase in that his father is beating him up instead of trying to help his son out on this osbstacle here.

you can not expect a family to be healthy and functioning if each obstacle of one or more family member is met via violence.

what you call 'a phase', i call dysfunctional.

[kitty]

hiroshi, I'm sorry to hear that. Me and my dad really don't get along either. He's never hit me, prolly 'cuz I'm a girl and all that, but he has threatened to disown me etc. etc.

I can tell you that while it is definitely a draw to try and placate your parents to maintain financial security, in the long run, it is dangerous and hurtful to everybody. I got myself through college by lying to my parents, and maybe ended up making things ten times worse. I was scared of my dad -- at an early age I was taught by my mom that the easiest way to maintain peace in the house was to lie to my father. I can also remember numerous times when he was violent or threatening to me, my sis, and my mom.

Obviously, I have a different situation since I can't really fight back, being physically weaker than him. But I can say that once I my dad and I got through the rough times a few months ago, my dad learned to adjust to the idea of me being more adult. He just physically couldn't keep up the threatening and the crying and the drama, and we eventually were forced to talk, albeit in short spurts of time between yelling and screaming.

It's difficult for parents to recognize children growing up. I guess I'm going to have to take the cheesy route and say that your dad is going through a lot of emotional confusion, just as you are. Your dad being a more physically expressive person, it might be a good idea for you to set up a permanent/semi-permanent refuge from home, that you can turn to if things go sour (i.e., let a friend know of your situation, and have him/her keep a blanket available in case you need to have a place to stay on short notice). You may want to seriously consider spending the night elsewhere, but don't completely write him off. Let him know where you're going, let him know that you still love him and care about how he's doing.

Eventually, he will realize that though he is doing these things out of love, he is pushing you away. He's human just like everyone else, and we all make mistakes with the ones we love.

[shy]

Shy ... alrighty. I respect that.


thanks, dude. :) i guess you were just trying to help in your own way... hope i didn't come off too harsh.

[John0101]

damn Hiroshi2, thats harsh. That really should not of happened, I don't know the whole story behind everything but I'm sure you viewed the situation one way and he viewed a totally different way.

Try talking in a calm slow tone, like everything is in control. Be relax and look into his eyes. He might be under a lot of stress and/or pressure.

If he goes any futher then he did in this situation and you think everything is going overboard talk with somebody you trust who has some authority power, family member, maybe a teacher you trust, etc.

Good luck man

[Hiroshi2]

No problem, dac.

I understand that yeah hate to admit but I am financially dependent on him. I thought about, well what if I crash with some of my friends, get a job, etc. I have a couple of friends who are the types who always have people living in under their roof, their parents don't really care or whatever.


shy, I don't want to call the cops, I'd rather settle this on my own. Besides that, I don't want everybody around me wondering what the hell's going on, etc. I dunno.

I've got less than two years of high school left.........if I can graduate and move to a far-away college or something, then things would be alright. I have to get through my parents first though.

He's supposed to be home in about an hour. I won't say anything to him. Whenever he looked at me, I just looked him right back. On the last time, he told me to stop looking him in his eye. I wante d to keep on making eye contact with him so that he would try to come at me so I could hit him back, but I didn't. I just punked out and looked away.

He took away everything in my room except for my bed and my notebook (e.g. "journal") where I just wrote two or three pages about how much I can't stand him right there as he was taking shit out of my room.


Oh and one last thing: no he was not influenced by alcohol or drugs. We don't have a single alcoholic beverage in the house, believe me, I've looked. I did smoke a few cigarettes I got from my friend while I was over his house, though. Felt a little bit better. Gave me a cigar, I just put it in my backpack.

Thanks for your support, guys.

[kitty]

good luck... he may be scared of losing you. the important thing to remember is that no father actually hates their child... they often just don't know how to express it.

[BaiginLong]

man dude I have more reason to hate my pops than you do aiight but hey it's life
family may not always be the funnest people to be around but man it's not like you or I really have a choice unless they not doing they're job under legal standards

if you want my story it's a bit long but ask me for it

oh yeah pops is gone now and I'm working things out with mom pretty well
you could say I've become a veritable expert in parent-child relations since I've been pretty successful in helping other peeps out

trust me though, we all have to go through shit and it makes us better people

that which does not kill you makes you stronger

I learned that over an over

but hey just know you got the support of everyone here at YW to deal with your problems
cause we a family here

as with college tell him that if you really look at the people there they don't even know what tyhey're doing until later down the road and that's the dang truth

ppl change majors like clothes there
heh

but yeah you better than most since you have at least some idea about what major you want to go into

P.S. drugs are not the answer man and I come from tha ghetto that shit is bad news even if it's just cigs

[Tao]

like shy said, you can try calling a youth support hotline like boys town national hotline: http://www.girlsandboystown.org/hotline/index.asp

it's toll free and anonymous. Talk to one of those counselors so that at least you know what your options are if heaven forbid things get worse. That way you won't feel trapped and hopeless, and will be able to do something to change your family for the better.

god speed man, hope everything works out for you.

[mr. x]

sorry to hear it man, just curious, how would your folks feel about you taking a breather outside of home, like a trial moving out sorta thing?

[nonamerasian]

I sounds like a tough situation. What did your father hope to accomplish, anyhow?

There is some great advice in this thread.

I hope the best for you.

[Hiroshi2]

Yeah thanks for the support, guys.

It's been about a day and a half since all of that crap happened, I've calmed down a little.

I just can't shake the urge to fight him though. Now I WANT him to come at me. I feel like a punk.

What's even worse, I told a trusted (or so I thought) friend about and he ended up telling people about that shit, so I had to put up with other people's BS about it. Ugh.

He came and talked to me last night before I went to sleep about how all of this crap was hurting my mother and all of that. But the way he said it made it sound like he placed the blame solely on me. Whatever. I don't plan on speaking to him at all and I'm still thinking about moving out as drastic as it sounds.

Tao, I know the Boys Town hotline thing is a good idea, but I think I'll pass. I'll just deal with this on my own.

[John0101]

Yeah thanks for the support, guys.

It's been about a day and a half since all of that crap happened, I've calmed down a little.

I just can't shake the urge to fight him though. Now I WANT him to come at me. I feel like a punk.

What's even worse, I told a trusted (or so I thought) friend about and he ended up telling people about that shit, so I had to put up with other people's BS about it. Ugh.

He came and talked to me last night before I went to sleep about how all of this crap was hurting my mother and all of that. But the way he said it made it sound like he placed the blame solely on me. Whatever. I don't plan on speaking to him at all and I'm still thinking about moving out as drastic as it sounds.

Tao, I know the Boys Town hotline thing is a good idea, but I think I'll pass. I'll just deal with this on my own.

I think your father really cares about the family, he obviously care about your mother. I think for the sake of the unity of family both of you guys should get the weight off your shoulders. I don't think you moving out at such a young age is a good idea, it will only compound the problem and instead dodges the bigger picture.

When you feel ready and he feels ready you should tell him how you feel. Take it step by step, he is your father and you are his son.

[Tao]

When you feel ready and he feels ready you should tell him how you feel. Take it step by step, he is your father and you are his son.
i dunno man, it might not be that simple. First off none of us here really knows the whole situation, so it's sorta early to jump to any conclusions be it that he still cares for the family or not. John, you're assuming that his dad is still a rational and caring person deep down, however, I wouldn't jump to that conclusion based solely on what hiroshi's been telling us. So in other words, no one here can really give him any advice....we can only offer suggestions.

[nonamerasian]

Yeah thanks for the support, guys.

It's been about a day and a half since all of that crap happened, I've calmed down a little.

I just can't shake the urge to fight him though. Now I WANT him to come at me. I feel like a punk.

What's even worse, I told a trusted (or so I thought) friend about and he ended up telling people about that shit, so I had to put up with other people's BS about it. Ugh.

He came and talked to me last night before I went to sleep about how all of this crap was hurting my mother and all of that. But the way he said it made it sound like he placed the blame solely on me. Whatever. I don't plan on speaking to him at all and I'm still thinking about moving out as drastic as it sounds.

Tao, I know the Boys Town hotline thing is a good idea, but I think I'll pass. I'll just deal with this on my own.

I think you should consider calling the hotline, even if it is just to listen.

You don’t have to take their advice, but listening to options may do some good.

I know that feeling of wanting to sock someone who unexpectedly got the best of you. Is hard to shake off because you feel that if you have one more chance, you can regain your dignity or at least get even, so you get bent on trying to provoke another incident.

I think that feeling is natural, at least for people who don’t like to throw the first punch. If more people were like that, incidents like this wouldn’t happen in the first place. ;) But, anyhow, it’s not always the best route to go.

Just knowing your options may stop you from doing anything that may be drastic.

[Faithless]

Man H2,

With all the stuff you share about your family situation, it's a wonder that you have time to sanely post here.

You give us a glimpse into a life that seems unbearable. Yet, your posts don't seem all filled with rage. A credit to your mental strength, I hope.

I'm hoping you can see past your family situation and look positively at your future, as well.

But if you can't, you got to look to other resources, and seek help with your life by turning towards friends and other family members outside your home.

It aint fun missing out on an good education and the healthy aspects in the prime of your life.

:frown:

[Hiroshi2]

Man H2,

With all the stuff you share about your family situation, it's a wonder that you have time to sanely post here.

You give us a glimpse into a life that seems unbearable. Yet, your posts don't seem all filled with rage. A credit to your mental strength, I hope.

I'm hoping you can see past your family situation and look positively at your future, as well.

But if you can't, you got to look to other resources, and seek help with your life by turning towards friends and other family members outside your home.

It aint fun missing out on an good education and the healthy aspects in the prime of your life.

:frown:


I wouldn't call it unbearable. Other people around me have much worse lives than I do. But I generally come to the forum as an escape from real life (well, except for girl problems, etc, I guess). But yeah things have gotten better with me and my pops. I don't think they're good (when we they ever, when I was a little kid?) but they have calmed down. I still have the urge to want to move out, but maybe that's normal for kids my age. I have less than a year and a half left (I graduate in May of 2005) so all I have to do is just hold on for that period of time.

But the main thing is that I have such great friends. Not just here, but I mean like in real life. I used to be extremely depressed, especially around this time of year, because of the wintertime dreariness, and the fact that school, by this point, has dragged on for five or six months and I'm ready for it to end, etc. But I haven't felt nearly as bad this winter. Lately, I've been much better off than I have recently. I actually used to cry all the time and have suicidal thoughts because I was so depressed, but now that seems like a long time ago. Not saying I don't feel down sometimes, it's just much better now than it has been in recent years, like since middle school, I would say. My middle school years were horrible.


Thanks for caring.

[Faithless]

H2,

I know my experiences are not like yours, but I have gone through a few different love/hate relationships with my pops -- with the last one not more than about a year ago over some total misunderstanding.

I went through a couple of spots of not talking to him for a month (in my teens to early college years). Thankfully, we mysteriously made-up, like guys do. It was fucked and stupid to walk-around the same house, sit at the same dinner table and ignore each other -- not to mention a waste of negative mental energy.

I don't know how you approach it, or even if you've considered it, but if you all can find someway to air differences between a third party (like a family therapist) and least get to the bottom of your differences, you'll be in better shape.

[Hiroshi2]

H2,

I know my experiences are not like yours, but I have gone through a few different love/hate relationships with my pops -- with the last one not more than about a year ago over some total misunderstanding.

I went through a couple of spots of not talking to him for a month (in my teens to early college years). Thankfully, we mysteriously made-up, like guys do. It was fucked and stupid to walk-around the same house, sit at the same dinner table and ignore each other -- not to mention a waste of negative mental energy.

I don't know how you approach it, or even if you've considered it, but if you all can find someway to air differences between a third party (like a family therapist) and least get to the bottom of your differences, you'll be in better shape.




Nah, like I said, we're more or less getting along for right now, so I'm not sweatin' it. At least not until the next little episode comes along..........

[kasia]

moving to rant.

[Faithless]

Nah, like I said, we're more or less getting along for right now, so I'm not sweatin' it. At least not until the next little episode comes along..........
In that case, if you two play b-ball, I suggest asking him for a friendly little game of one-on-one. :biggrin:

Then go inside, and outside on him. Reject his stuff, and do a lot of trash talking. Let's him know whose boss!

[Chris]

i'm sorry, dac. but i'm going to have to strongly disagree w/ you here. it is the law in which the parents have to financially support their kids until they are 18 years of age. and it is the law that states that hitting your own children is deemed child abuse. if you want to argue that case with me, don't bother. call up your local social worker. if they could, they'd be at hiroshi's door, taking both im and his sister away from that house. call up the police and ask them to back you up on this... they won't.

just because you were dependent... i don't think now is the time to rub it in to a fellow yw-er that he isn't.

come on man... be sensitive. hiroshi's obviously really upset, hurt and angry right now. no need to make him feel any worse.

look at it this way... hiroshi is honestly lost about what he wants to do w/ his future but he does want a good future which means getting to college and thereby, earning his independence the long and hard way, which in the long run, will give him more choices of the future.

no matter which way you cut it... this is hardly a phase in that his father is beating him up instead of trying to help his son out on this osbstacle here.

you can not expect a family to be healthy and functioning if each obstacle of one or more family member is met via violence.

what you call 'a phase', i call dysfunctional.


This is base on my own experience. When I was younger. My dad use to beat me up and i mean constantly. To the point that a teacher saw my bruise and reported to authorities. But I never reported it why. I guess I understood that it was punishement for the stuff I did. I wasn't the best behave child. I was living under thier roof and they kept me fed. I was expected to uphold my part of the bargain. It how my dad was taught by my grandfather. It was displicine. I know i am not making excuses for my father. But it was hwo they were raise. Of course I would not do that to my children. But sooner or later you going to realize that it is a two way street. BUt i hope you get through it Hiroshi I really do.